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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL ruining Mothers Day

170 replies

Lilyrose84 · 20/03/2023 09:08

Yesterday starting off really well.

DH's phone kept pinging every few minutes. He said it was his sister chasing us to confirm dates for her to come and visit. We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long. At 5pm he asked if we could sit down and look at dates and respond to his sister. I said I thought we had already agreed we were saying no and he had told them that.

Cue DH slamming his laptop down and storming out of the room with accusations about me not liking his sister (we have a tense relationship at best) and how she was doing us a favour as would be providing childcare, how ungrateful I was for her support and her unfair it was to prevent DC spending time with her cousins. It turns out MIL had also called him that morning and DH had told him of our plans and it became all about DN and SIL also needing a holiday / break etc etc. I told him that I needed to set boundaries as my mental health suffered every time she visited. DH and SIL start sniping at one another, she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

I ended up going for a walk, but I am furious that despite us already saying no, they couldn't accept this. It happens every time I put try to put boundaries in place. I had previously said no to a weekend because I had booked DH a surprise weekend. They went on and on and despite me already telling them it was because I had booked a weekend, I ended up having to tell DH about his weekend away.

I know DH is equally at fault here as it was mothers day and he knew it would create an argument, but I am really annoyed that they felt the need to challenge a no on what was meant to be my day to relax and chill out. AIBU?

OP posts:

VictorStrand · 20/03/2023 11:36

SIL sounds awful. It doesn't change the fact that your DH let it dominate Mothers Day and that your DH obviously doesn't want to cut contact with her. It's easy to pretend this is a SIL problem but it isn't. And until you and DH have a real discussion about how you feel, why it doesn't bother DH that she treats you like that and how you manage guests/visitors when the house is home to both of you, then this isn't going to go away.

SpilltheTea · 20/03/2023 11:40

Why is your husband okay with you being treated like shit by his family and still inviting them into your home? Stick up for yourself.

Boringcookingquestion · 20/03/2023 11:47

Your SIL sounds horrible but it was your DH who ruined Mother’s Day. He could have put his phone on silent and ignored her. He could have backed you up instead of storming out. He could have told her he won’t allow someone who makes fun of his wife’s weight and looks in his house.

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 11:47

YABU. It sounds like you don’t like your sister in law. Own that. It’s fine not to like someone but don’t project that onto her. She’s not responsible for your feelings.

Lesvacances · 20/03/2023 11:56

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 11:47

YABU. It sounds like you don’t like your sister in law. Own that. It’s fine not to like someone but don’t project that onto her. She’s not responsible for your feelings.

Of course she doesn’t like her fat shaming, nasty sil.
Why would she?

@Lilyrose84 my dbil is banned from our home because he was really rude to me.
Dh supports me.
Dh can visit his db whenever he wants but bil doesn’t get to upset my safe space.
Its surprising how many people have told me to get over it. But I won’t because no one comes out with stuff like that unless they really look down on you.

drpet49 · 20/03/2023 11:59

ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/03/2023 09:14

Who said no? It sounds like your DH wants to spend time with his sister and you are doing whatever you can to be obstructive.

Show quote history

I agree. So she can never, ever stay round your house?

GenuineNine · 20/03/2023 12:09

Your DH needs to stand up to his family. It is his weakness that has caused this. He could have turned off notifications and not responded to her.

Itsneverwhatitseems · 20/03/2023 12:12

I wouldn’t put up with being spoken to the way you are.
Just say no,
Until dh family treat you with respect. There is no way they will be allowed to stay.
Surely dh sees how they treat you.
Im amazed you’ve spent every Christmas with them tbh.
YANBU
Remind your dh of all the things they’ve said to you, how rude they are and that no one would put up with that.
Its seems sil wants to visit just to make herself seem better.

CremeEggQueen · 20/03/2023 12:19

Tomkirkman · 20/03/2023 09:23

I don’t believe for a minute that you and your dh said no and she pretends it didn’t happen and continues to push.

I am going to guess, behind you back, your dh is giving them green light.

He is your issue. Not them.

That's clearly said by someone who has no experience of this ever happening to them!
Believe me it does happen and you're sat there agog thinking WTF?
You can be literally saying no in their faces and they still won't fucking let it drop.
I can completely believe the OP sadly

shrimp88 · 20/03/2023 12:20

Lilyrose84 · 20/03/2023 10:42

I am not controlling DH or stopping him from seeing his family. However, when you become the butt of rude jokes over weight, the way you look (his family were all upset DC looks like me, told I'm not good enough for DB etc etc) then there comes a time when enough is enough and for the 1st time I have put my foot down and saying no. I will no longer be verbally insulted in my own home. Behaviours have consequences. I've spent nearly every Christmas with the in-laws so they can see DC. I have never stopped any family from visiting, but SIL went too far and I will no longer accept being spoken to or treated like that. DH has told her, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I am not controlling DH, but I ask if somebody came into your home and basically told you that they DB could do better, you need to lose weight would you want to welcome them again?!

Why didn't you say that they make rude jokes about your weight and say you are not good enough in your OP? That seems like a bit of a drip feed. If it's actually true and your DH has done nothing about it, why are you still with him and why do you visit them?

Tomkirkman · 20/03/2023 12:34

CremeEggQueen · 20/03/2023 12:19

Show quote history

This is clearly said by someone who didn’t read the comment properly.

i never said it couldn’t happen. I am talking about Ops Dh specifically, since the thread is about the Op. shockingly.

Wasn’t talking generally, or about anyone other than op and her dh.

starfishmummy · 20/03/2023 12:35

I have a right to set boundaries and say no when it happens in my own home.

But it's also your DH's home too, does he get a say? Because it doesn't sound like it. Is there any compromise that can be made?

Heronwatcher · 20/03/2023 12:39

It’s not your SIL who is the main problem, it’s your DH. Assuming you were very clear with him about the visit (if you weren’t then you need to be clearer), he could easily have shut all the nonsense down (“sorry SIL but that just won’t work for us, but if you’d like to stay somewhere else nearby of course we’ll meet up loads”)(“sorry MIL this is between SIL and me, it just doesn’t work when she stays for that long etc”) but he chose not to, and he chose to make it your problem and then get shirty when you wouldn’t back down to appease his family. He’s the one you should be annoyed with.

thethinendofthewedge · 20/03/2023 12:55

Why is she so keen to come, if she snipes at your husband and thinks you aren't good enough for the family? For a whole week?
Do you live somewhere that's very appealing to visit, and it's free holiday accommodation?

This is what I'm wondering!

maddy68 · 20/03/2023 12:58

He didnt say no. You did ....

He tried to discuss it with you and you stropped off

Why are you stopping his sister coming ?

It's his home too. You are the problem here

I live in a holiday destination. My husband's family come and stay. (I'm honestly not that keen on them ) but he is. They are his family. You are his wife.

He wouldn't stop my family and friends coming to stay

A week is probably too long si compromise and make it a long weekend

phoenixrosehere · 20/03/2023 13:04

shrimp88 · 20/03/2023 12:20

Show quote history

How is it a drip feed? OP said this in the first post.

I told him that I needed to set boundaries as my mental health suffered every time she visited. DH and SIL start sniping at one another, she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

LucieLemon · 20/03/2023 13:09

I've read plenty of posts involving rude house guests, both friends and relatives. Overwhelmingly, the responses are along the lines of you don't have to put up with that, ask them to leave or if already gone, never have them back.

Unsure why the op should feel obligated to welcome anyone into her home that is directly rude and insulting?!

Yes, it's her husbands house too but where do you draw the line? How much shit should the op be expected to suck up and endure?

If they want to visit, great, sort out accommodation and OPs husband can meet up with his sister as much as he likes

Itsneverwhatitseems · 20/03/2023 13:09

starfishmummy · 20/03/2023 12:35

I have a right to set boundaries and say no when it happens in my own home.

But it's also your DH's home too, does he get a say? Because it doesn't sound like it. Is there any compromise that can be made?

Is it ok to entertain family members who insult one of the hosts.
The house may belong to two people but one of them is constantly being insulted, put down and degraded.
Is it still ok to say….but dh owns half the house so he can have anyone to visit and stay that he likes….sod the consequences on my wife’s well being.

Really?!!

Puppers · 20/03/2023 13:14

I don't think we're getting anything close to the full story here so nobody is going to be able to offer any meaningful advice.

You went from "our relationship is a bit tense and I had to say no to a previous visit because we had plans" to "she is abusive and I won't have her in my home". It also doesn't ring true that your husband was initially completely on board with this "no visits" rule and now he's suddenly done a U turn. More likely he agreed a week was too long but still wanted a shorter visit, or he was just guilt tripped/pressured into agreeing with you when actually he does want his sister to come. The fact that he's so upset now makes it very clear that he absolutely doesn't support a "she's not welcome to stay at all" stance.

I suspect you are being deliberately obstructive and don't want her to visit, regardless of the impact this has on your husband and kids. I suspect she is also a difficult character and the two of you clash; maybe this is more on her side but who knows. I suspect your husband could (and should) do a lot more to back you up. You want the nuclear option of "she isn't welcome in the house". I am almost 100% certain that if your husband and SIL were on this thread we'd hear a completely different story. Probably, like most things in life, the truth is somewhere in the middle of all these versions.

cartagenagina · 20/03/2023 13:25

Are you the poster who agreed to a holiday with ILs and then they decided they were descending on you at your house instead?

Either way, this is a DH problem. Either he backs you up and supports you, understanding the impact on your MH.

Or he chooses his mum and sister.

At least you will know where you stand.

Tell DH he can take the DC to see them on his own if it’s that relationship he’s worried about.

starfishmummy · 20/03/2023 13:28

Itsneverwhatitseems · 20/03/2023 13:09

Show quote history

It's not rocket science to find a compromise.

LucieLemon · 20/03/2023 13:33

The compromise is they stay in a local guesthouse or similar, husband can arrange whatever meet-ups he chooses.

P3N · 20/03/2023 13:39

I'm sorry but NO. There is no compromise when someone is being abusive. I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone, especially not in my home. All of the posters saying what about your DH? What about his feelings? If it was the OPs sister should he have to suffer abuse in his home because of her feelings? NO.

OP your DH is also apart of this problem. Her contacting him directly is to try and win him over. He needs to stop being so weak and defend you on this!
Don't allow her to stay. If he's desperate for a relationship, he can go and stay at his mothers with his sister, problem solved.

Quitelikeit · 20/03/2023 13:42

Do not listen to anyone on here calling you a bully. Your SiL is a vile insecure specimen.

Spend the minimum amount of time with her as possible

When in her company mostly nod and smile

Dont offer up any details about your life or plans

Do not back down and let her stay over!!!

Dibbydoos · 20/03/2023 13:42

Your DH needs to grow a pair. Toxic people and relationships injure everyone. If it was me I'd tell her she ruined your mother's day and you eont be around for the visit. I'd then book a bit of time away with friends when she visits. Your DH will need to handle her on his own, so he will learn to say no and mean it.

I stepped away from my family for years due to their bullying and poor behaviour - it was bliss! I now have to see them again once a week as my mum's in her 80s. It's just awful. Good luck OP.

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