SIL ruining Mothers Day

[Lilyrose84]

Yesterday starting off really well.

DH's phone kept pinging every few minutes. He said it was his sister chasing us to confirm dates for her to come and visit. We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long. At 5pm he asked if we could sit down and look at dates and respond to his sister. I said I thought we had already agreed we were saying no and he had told them that.

Cue DH slamming his laptop down and storming out of the room with accusations about me not liking his sister (we have a tense relationship at best) and how she was doing us a favour as would be providing childcare, how ungrateful I was for her support and her unfair it was to prevent DC spending time with her cousins. It turns out MIL had also called him that morning and DH had told him of our plans and it became all about DN and SIL also needing a holiday / break etc etc. I told him that I needed to set boundaries as my mental health suffered every time she visited. DH and SIL start sniping at one another, she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

I ended up going for a walk, but I am furious that despite us already saying no, they couldn't accept this. It happens every time I put try to put boundaries in place. I had previously said no to a weekend because I had booked DH a surprise weekend. They went on and on and despite me already telling them it was because I had booked a weekend, I ended up having to tell DH about his weekend away.

I know DH is equally at fault here as it was mothers day and he knew it would create an argument, but I am really annoyed that they felt the need to challenge a no on what was meant to be my day to relax and chill out. AIBU?

How about her just coming for 3 nights rather than a week? Perhaps suggest it as an olive branch/compromise. The suggestion might even earn you some brownie points! BTW she sounds horrible.

OP
Stick to your guns
Don't let her visit
There's no way I'd have her in my house after she was so rude to you

Note to posters....read the damn thread properly!

They sound weird OP and a bit embarrassing. Fancy being told no and then hounding when someone clearly doesn't want to see you 😳

So much emotional nonsense around Mother's day, I think. A week is a lot if you don't get on with someone but in families sometimes you have to put up with it. The husband should feel he can have his sister to stay without causing ww3. Imagine if he tried to keep his wife from her family...I know from experience how isolating and bad for mental health THAT is!

He can go and meet his sister. But people who insult his wife don’t stay in their home. That’s a very reasonable boundary she should absolutely hold. It is not the same as keeping someone from their family.

How awful you’ve got one hell of a bitch for a SIL; sit down & calmly talk to your DH he’s had his DM dripping poison in his ear as well as his maliciously cruel DS; calmly tell him how it makes you feel when the bitch tell you he could have done better; or that you need to lose weight etc, put him on the spot & ask him would he put up with it if it was your family doing it to him? Tell him you don’t need child care your Dc is looking forward to spending time with her friends at holiday club; ask him why do you have to provide his Ds & her sprog with a free holiday why can’t she go to her DMs for the week instead? Ask him to agree she can stay two nights max; then she’s out & if there’s one snide comment she’s out the door immediately no ifs no buts & HE HAS TO TELL HER THAT HIMSELF I suspect she won’t want to come & will leave you alone; but do you have any family? Can’t you spend Christmas with them? Or completely break with “family tradition” snd create your own family tradition stay at home do things your little family love to do together make your own special happy memories for your child so she sees you as the happy confident mummy you should be NOT the one who’s being railroaded by her MIL& SIL xx good luck lovely xx

No OP I wouldn’t allow her in my house ever again! I wouldn’t speak to her ever again and wouldn’t want my child round someone so toxic! I also would expect my DH to stand up for me!!!

why does the SIL & DN need to come to yours for a holiday?? Talk about use and abuse you!!

If he agrees to her coming is there a friend or family member you can go off to stay with?

And he answered!

You're not in the wrong. A week of anyone can he challenging even when you all get along well. Thats clearly not the case here. I'm assuming if you're needing childcare she's coming when you're not actually there. You're husband needs to get his priorities right. If this is about your children spending time with their cousins and aunt, Thank her profusely and say your husband will drop your kids off at hers. Grandma can join them.
The other alternative is to remove yourself from the situation. Maybe you could be busy on a work project. Book yourself into a Travel lodge for Wed, Thursday Fri and grit your teeth through the weekend.

This is a case of a manipulating SIL. I've experienced this for over forty years. I finally said to DH he can have a relationship with her but I will not. She used to demand visits at short notice, expect us to travel to her home for family gatherings...over 3hrs from us. My MIL would join forces with her. I used to get anxious and stressed when we spent time with them. Once I decided she/they meant nothing to me I became calm in their company, I was polite but never did anything I didn't want to do. The game ended. My stress was no longer their entertainment. Stay calm, do what suits you, do not react. It's your DH's sister and mother. Let him look after them.
Learn from a wise old bird!

Anxious and stressed is how I often feel in their company. The comments are then quickly followed up with them saying I don't understand their Northern humour and us Southerners do not have one. It is not humour, it is rudeness. They're around 5 hours away by car to us. When DC1 was born, FIL in particular was incredibly "upset" because everybody said DC1 was my double. This was followed up with "sssh, don't tell Richard (FIL)." Even at DC1's Christening these comments were made. It just makes me so sad for DC1.

To be honest they just sound ridiculous! The only suggestion I have is to get it out on the open..."why are you upset because our son looks like me?" and whatever the silly answers follow up with "but why ......."

Broken record not getting pulled into their stupidity! Just naming their stupidity!

I have and was told they're just joking. I'm learning to distance myself now from it all.

Well @Lilyrose84 your situation is similar to mine. I married a northerner whose family is also 5 hours drive away and I’m southern. I don’t think northerners have a sense of humour, they’re just sarcastic and blunt!(the few I’ve met anyway)…
I fell out with my MIL when DC was a year old because I was sick of the way she spoke to me, she would say I was ‘a silly little girl’ if I dared to take offends to her rudeness!.. My ex DH family haven’t even met our DC despite her now being at seniors! I have very little to do with. his Mam now,, occasional text to wish happy birthday or Christmas etc, still send cards from DC… (we made up when DC was about 3 or 4)…
Northerners are definitely different to us, they seem to speak their mind with no filter… she thought nothing of saying I’d put on weight, and tell DC by text that pizza is bad (if she’s having it at sleepover which is one off treat)…. Corrects her spellings (imagine texting your Nan and getting back ‘you’ve spelt X wrong, it’s XYZ’!!
It’s very sad that they can’t be nicer, even if it’s just to make their son/brothers life easier!
I would just tell husband it’s a firm no from you, you don’t need childcare and actually would rather not come home from work to SIL’s snipes and nastiness. If he says you’re being nasty, come back with how unsupportive he is and that he never sticks up for you!
I totally understand your situation and feel sad for you… thankfully I only met my ex DH’s family a handful of times, despite being married 16 years!! I have no doubt our split has been wonderful news to her because she has her manchild back with her! Some women think no one is ever good enough for their sons… sad but just the way they are. I learnt to tolerate her, and was relieved his family were so far away!!

I’m southern. I don’t think northerners have a sense of humour, they’re just sarcastic and blunt!(the few I’ve met anyway)… 👀

I'm western, & I think all southerners are silly little girls.

When it's aimed at yourself, does the ignorance & judgement hit home @T1Dmama?

You are joking??
I don’t get the joke can you explain it to me?

otherwise I’m due an apology before you step foot in my home

I have and was told they're just joking. I'm learning to distance myself now from it all.

Good to distance yourself. But an answer to just joking is "Why is that funny? When told you dont have a sense of humour "why are you so rude?" and so on. Disarm with questions repeated is quite an effective strategy. Very boring and also wearing for you though

Good to distance yourself. But an answer to just joking is "Why is that funny? When told you dont have a sense of humour "why are you so rude?" and so on. Disarm with questions repeated is quite an effective strategy. Very boring and also wearing for you though

this.
Also point out their own weight looks etc. See how they like it. Some people are great for dishing it out but don’t like it when they get it back You don’t want them saying hurtful things to your children.

Random resurrection.

All this