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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm trying not to overreact but I'm not sure if I should react or not.

258 replies

PelvicFlora · 19/03/2023 18:36

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

OP posts:
Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 19/03/2023 18:38

Wow well that was fucking rude of him.

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2023 18:38

Is it at all possible that he was trying to be supportive and offer you the option of correcting something he knows upsets you?

GabriellaMontez · 19/03/2023 18:39

That sounds mean.

And what is it he thinks you could do?

If you've had wine I recommend waiting to ask this question. If not I'd ask him now.

Rosesroof · 19/03/2023 18:40

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2023 18:38

Is it at all possible that he was trying to be supportive and offer you the option of correcting something he knows upsets you?

This is how I'd read that comment, given the context.

Ktime · 19/03/2023 18:40

I think you should tell him he upset you and explain to him like he’s a 2 year old what you told us about giving birth to his children. He’s a dickhead.

MsWhitworth · 19/03/2023 18:40

Oh dear, that is quite hurtful and it’ll be hard to forget that he thinks that. It sounds like you have a strong marriage though so you could let him know how hurtful you found it and hopefully he’ll apologise.

Notimeforaname · 19/03/2023 18:42

Unless he was planning to pay for a surgery and have you go under the knife, what exactly does he think you can "fix" ?

Is he thick or just an insensitive bastard?

Notimeforaname · 19/03/2023 18:42

explain to him like he’s a 2 year old what you told us about giving birth to his children.

Also this.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 18:43

Suggest he gets one of those penis pumps and he could also improve himself..

Original poster
PelvicFlora · 19/03/2023 18:43

I'm going to wait til the kids are in bed and then tell him he's a twat and should do some exercises to make his dick bigger. See how he likes it.

I'm mainly pissed off that he's ruined such a lovely weekend. I've spent all day feeling so lucky and grateful and having a lovely time, and with one comment he's undone all of it. Now I'm sitting on the sofa next to DC2, wiping away silent tears.

OP posts:
DevantMaJardin · 19/03/2023 18:44

Wow. YANBU.

Cloudhoppingdancer · 19/03/2023 18:45

Ouch. That is appalling. Does he have a mate who could tell him he was being a dick?

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2023 18:45

You should definitely tell him it upset you - in fact you should have stayed to say it to his ‘helpful’ face in the first place - but if he’s usually not a vain or insensitive bloke he really might have just been trying to be helpful. Do you perhaps mention your dissatisfaction with your body more than you think you do?

AngryBirdsNoMore · 19/03/2023 18:45

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2023 18:38

Is it at all possible that he was trying to be supportive and offer you the option of correcting something he knows upsets you?

Yes this is how I read it too. As a sort of ‘if you wanted surgery, I would support you’ sort of thing?

Dacadactyl · 19/03/2023 18:46

I actually think that if your husband can't tell you stuff straight and face to face, then what's the point?! I told my husband he needed to lose weight and while I know he wasn't impressed, I just had to say something.

Is there something you can do about the stomach issue? If not, then I think he's been insensitive, but otherwise I don't think he's out of order for mentioning it.

Notimeforaname · 19/03/2023 18:47

But if shes never brought that up and just said she wants to sit on the sofa...how is it helpful to suddenly say " Do you want plastic surgery , I think you need it"

dietcokelime · 19/03/2023 18:47

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2023 18:38

Is it at all possible that he was trying to be supportive and offer you the option of correcting something he knows upsets you?

This is totally how I read it, as in he knows you're not the biggest fan and supports you if you want to change?

I don't think jibes about penis size are going to start any further conversation in good faith either!

pandarific · 19/03/2023 18:48

I mean you had just complained about the wreck of your body and he presumably knows you hate your stomach?

I would imagine he was saying you could do something cosmetic with it and that would be okay with him. It sounds it’s a good relationship and you’re being a bit sensitive tbh?

Notimeforaname · 19/03/2023 18:48

That was to AngryBirdsNoMore and NoSquirrels

Notimeforaname · 19/03/2023 18:49

Is there something you can do about the stomach issue?

What issue? The issue of a body changing after birth? The husband thinks she needs to do something about it, that's the issue. Hes not happy with how her body looks.

ZekeZeke · 19/03/2023 18:49

Do you constantly talk about your stomach and how unhappy you are? Maybe he is just trying to help? And he is offering a solution.

Led9519 · 19/03/2023 18:50

So his remarks are shitty.
BTW do you think you have weight to lose? At size 10 I doubt it but just wondering?

It might be worth explaining to him it’s loose skin from pregnancy and weight loss or exercise isn’t going to change… ask him does he realise that? So unless he’s thinking something surgical what exactly does he expect you to do about it? Therefore saying what he said isn’t helpful and just makes you feel like crap.
Also let him know he ruined the weekend.
What a poo!

Xrays · 19/03/2023 18:50

It was a terrible comment to make. He shouldn’t have said it. But I wonder if he clumsily felt a bit hurt that you were moaning the dc had wrecked your body…? Sort of like you were angry with them and blaming them and he had a knee jerk reaction? (Jerk being a good choice of words…)!

MyMumsOnMN · 19/03/2023 18:50

I think it would be dickish if he just came out with it but maybe he was just trying to 'help' without actually being helpful after you mentioned it first?

If it upset you, say something though.

amylou8 · 19/03/2023 18:51

I think in the context of him not being a complete arse, this was a misjudged trying to be helpful, but went completely wrong comment.