I'm trying not to overreact but I'm not sure if I should react or not.

[PelvicFlora]

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

OK, then I’m changing my answer to ‘He’s an arsehole, offer him the cock-enhancers and suggest if he tried hard and puts the effort in he can improve things.’

Seriously- tell him to research your surgeries and recommended aftercare. Don’t tell him, he needs to do his own fact finding then come back with an apology.

It isn't great at all but in context don't think it's sounds like he was being malicious. What could he has said to such a comment that didn't hurt you?

Does he realise that the mum tum is near impossible to get rid of or do you think it was his naive way of trying to encourage you to do something rather than just think of your body as destroyed?
Either way you need to tell him how upset you are but saying anything derogatory about his dick is something you won't be able to take back and it doesn't sound like you need to to be tit for tat in an otherwise healthy relationship.

Being 'supportive' isn't suggesting you'd be there for them if they had surgery that you think they should have. It's saying, 'I think your post baby body is just a hot as before the kids!'.
But there will always be people who confuse being rude with being unasked-for-honest.

This. He knows it’s making you unhappy. Of course you would rather him be in the ‘you’re fine as you are’ school of thought.

Nobody’s post baby body is as hot as before the kids. It would be ludicrous to say that.

Fucking idiot. What a stupid, thoughtless, twattish thing to say.

He clearly has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what childbearing can do to a woman's body. And I mean permanently.

I wish I could pop round and nail his scrotum to your kitchen table while he begs for your forgiveness.

Don't let it spoil everything nice that's already happened over the weekend. One thoughtless hurtful comment shouldn't take away from all the good that's gone before. Don't be passive aggressive back, that won't help anything. Tell him, calmly as possible, that he hurt your feelings and if he's as nice as you say he'll apologise.

If he's usually a good egg then try to see it as a clumsy attempt to be supportive in case you were hinting you wanted to do something about it (have you talked about a tummy tuck or just being unhappy with your stomach area?). Many men can be too 'solution focused' and then say something really thoughtless. Make sure he understands that barring surgery there isn't much that can be done about loose skin.

I speak as someone who was always really miserable and sensitive about the appearance and feel of my large heavy breasts and I can imagine exH saying something like that if I asked that question - because he knew how unhappy I was about them. And I did comment on it quite a bit - can't buy nice fitting tops, can't wear dresses, need massive bras, etc. He wouldn't have seen it as being mean to yes I should do something if I wanted to. (As it turns out I had a breast reduction/uplift after we split up but it was for me not any other reason).

I think YANBU at all, it’s a horrible comment to make when he knows what you’ve been through. If he wanted to be supportive why comment on the “size of your stomach”? Particularly when it’s clear you have other things going on which sound serious! Perhaps he could have said something like, if you’re not happy should we look into what we can do to help fix that? Making it into a size and weight thing immediately is horrible.

Ask him what he thinks it is that you could do, other than further surgery? I presume he really has no idea how childbirth changes the body. Give him one chance. Only one.

Perhaps he was genuinely just telling you you had options if you wanted to do something about it since you said you had 'destroyed your body'. His response to your question 'do you think I should?!' is harder to excuse, though. Surely the nice thing to say to that would have been something on the lines of 'Of course not, you're lovely as you are, but if you're really bothered about it and wanted to do something about it, I'd happily support you.' However, men aren't the most sensitive creatures, as we know.

Given how upset you are, I'd let him know. But would you be happy if he apologised? He may apologise for having been insensitive, but it's probably not going to stop you from thinking that he secretly found your body unattractive all these years, right? If it were me (because I'm really vain), I'd tell him how hurt I was but seeing as he's brought it out into the open, he now has to pay for cosmetic surgery or treatment to rectify the issue. That way you won't have to deal with self esteem issues in the future.

It sounds like you made a jokey comment rather than it being something you complain about genuinely all the time?

If so, he’s a dick. Lots (if not most) mums have some looser skin and/or stretch marks after pregnancy. It’s perfectly normal and not something that needs to be ‘fixed’. I quite like the soft squishy skin on my belly!

This is exactly how I read it.
You were complaining about your body and he supported you in wanting to change that.

You kinda set him up for failure. You have sagging skin, this is a fact you both obviously know, you complained about that. He could either dismiss you, lie to you, or agree with you.

Does he mean a tummy tuck?

I think you need to have an honest conversation that he really hurt your feelings and made you feel self conscious

I just couldn't get naked around someone who spoke to me like that ever again. I'd make it clear that was the end of a physical relationship for me.

Very idiotic insensitive thing to say

I don't think he actually understands what you've been through.
I think you need to show him some images of unfixed rectocele and explain the risks of the wrong kind of exercise. And how lucky you are to be even able to function. And he's banging on about a bit of loose skin.
He needs a proper lecture.

So he thinks he knows better than your surgeon and physio? I'd ask him what qualifies him to have this belief.

I'd also be tempted to ask him to do some work in his small dick. It may be hard work. But that's not a reason to not try.

I don't think he's shallow. He's proven that by continuing to love you with your less than perfect body. You brought the subject up. In his clumsy way he was saying "Your body's not 'destroyed ' (your words). "Yes there's some damage but its not beyong repair" . When you asked shall I 'mend it' then he probably meant "yeah you go for it babe if that's what you want". Id imagine he knows your body well. Is he thick? If not id imagine he knows its not going back to how it was and he acknowledges what youve been through carrying his children....you gotva card from the children and him. He doesnt think youre lazy or ugly, he thinks the same as you, that with a bit of effort you could improve your body.

I get this has dealt a blow to your self esteem but I just tthink the big issue is communication styles. Show him my post and ask if that's what he meant.

I think you’ve internalised a lot of bollocks beauty standards if you really think that.

Like I’ve said, I quite like my tummy. But after overhearing a drunken conversation between DH and some of the other dads in our friend group, it’s not unusual for men to find a post baby belly sexy either (not that that should matter 🤷‍♀️).

’Hot’ doesn’t always have to mean looking like you did at 20.

OP, it seems to me that this, probably quite throwaway, comment has tapped into a deeper concern you’ve got about your pelvic floor.

Don’t spoil your lovely weekend by reading things into the comment that probably weren’t there. Perhaps tomorrow, google a women’s physio in your area. There are lots of things you can do to support the strength and efficiency of your pelvic floor.

You said you were gonna think about how your body was destroyed by giving birth, he made a suggestion about sorting it and you’ve taken it to mean he’s called you a fat cow?!

I think you’re overreacting to this tbh. If he’s a good egg and it sounds like he is I’d explain why it hurt your feelings but I wouldn’t trash the lovely day over a comment he may well have made trying to make you feel better.

men tend to want to offer a solution when you say what’s bothering you.

i wouldn’t be blowing up about this.

Hmm. I think you are not being unreasonable and I think I would cry too if someone said that to me. I mean that generally though; let alone if I’d sacrificed my body to have someone’s children and then all they could do was criticise the effects that had on me! You must be devastated because there’s so much that goes into your ‘Mum Tum’ and for him to not understand that is awful. Hugs to you.

Having said this, I wonder if perhaps he was hinting that he’d pay for cosmetic surgery for you as a treat if you wanted it? Men are extremely solution focused and this is the kind of thing my DP would say if I said I was unhappy about a part of my body. He would be saying it from a place of wanting to fix my problems for me and thinking that was helpful. He’d never say it unless I said it myself. I’m just thinking maybe he thought it was ok to say cos you’d brought it up? If he’d said it out of the blue then that would be a lot worse if you see what I mean. He maybe did think he was offering you something helpful by offering surgery.

I suggest you tell him how you feel and why. See what he says and go from there. YANBU but I’d see how the land lies before getting really really upset.

He said something like 'it'll take hard work, but it's doable if you put the effort in'

He's a moron. Even if you could safely exercise, you can't exercise away loose skin.

And absolutely no-one should feel compelled to have surgery for aesthetic purposes, that should be done only if it bothers you personally, certainly not for anyone else, surgery is risky.

You asked. He probably thought that was the answer you wanted to hear.

I've also been left with a gargantuan tummy after carrying 3 massive babies and I would not ask this question. Yes, I would benefit from surgery physically I've no wish to put my body through it, not after three c/s.

I'd have thought at size 10 (I was a lotttt bigger after my third!) exercise should at least make you happier about your tum?

Don't knock an otherwise good man. I very much doubt he said it to be cruel. Point out to him you were hurt, and I'm sure he will be mortified.

Given his other comments about exercise 3tc, this is part of a pattern. He's very unreasonable.