I'm trying not to overreact but I'm not sure if I should react or not.

[PelvicFlora]

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

Yes and its ok for him to say he's not happy with it...if there's something she can do about it.

If I was you, I'd get the kids to bed and just walk out to a nice hotel. Treat yourself for a night away and when he finally clocks you're not in the house, you can tell him he really upset your day and you don't want to share a bed with him tonight.

Or you could play a long game where each week you just tell him something random about himself that you don't like "gosh your back is so gross and hairy, do something about it" until he gets the hint that it's rude and hurtful.

I wouldn't say anyone is being helpful when they say yes, you should do something about your tummy! Suggesting you can do something and that you should is two totally different things.

But she did bring it up. He didn't say this out if the blue. He said it as a response to the OP saying that her body had been destroyed. He was saying that it's possible to fix it. There's an old saying, never ascribe to malice what can be explained by stupidity. He didn't suddenly tell her he thought she looked fat, he appeared to be trying to help. Admittedly in a ham-handed way.

I think everyone is being unfair to your husband. You were sitting there complaining about how your body has been ruined and he just pointed out that you can do something about it, which is true.

He did not say he doesn't find you attractive or that he doesn't love you.

I'd read it as him saying he'd be ok if you wanted surgery to get rid of loose skin etc.

But I don't think he was necessarily being unkind.

BTW I think your body is amazing for making babies, mine too, and I don't care that it'll never look the same. Fine with me. My kids are my finest work.

I think the comment was well-intentioned but insensitive. You definitely need to tell him, 'when you said xxx, I felt xxx because xxx.' and you could add 'I would prefer if you xxx'. If he is a 'good egg' he'll be mortified and apologise and make it up to you. Try to speak about how you feel, not in an accusatory tone as that will put him on the defensive.

Communicate!

I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

You said you were unhappy and had "destroyed" your body, he said you could do something if you wanted to. YABU.

He wants her to have surgery, fuck that. The correct response is ‘you are lovely as you are’.

If I was you, I'd get the kids to bed and just walk out to a nice hotel. Treat yourself for a night away and when he finally clocks you're not in the house, you can tell him he really upset your day and you don't want to share a bed with him tonight.
Or you could play a long game where each week you just tell him something random about himself that you don't like "gosh your back is so gross and hairy, do something about it" until he gets the hint that it's rude and hurtful.

Are you 12?

Yes but needing to lose weight can be a health issue. It doesn't sound like OP's stomach is affecting her health.

It was rude, OP. If there was ever a time to say, "stop it, you're beautiful," that was it.

I think it's possible that he meant it well, as in, "if it really bothers you, there are things you could look into doing, and I'll be supportive about it." He said it appallingly, obviously, but if he's a good person then is it possible this is what he meant? E.g. have you made these kind of comments a lot, have you said it upsets you, have you been miffed not to buy a certain bikini or whatever?

Personally I think you've got two options: you can tell him it was an awful thing to say and it hurt you and that you don't want him to comment on it again. Or if you're feeling generous you could ask if the above is what he meant, still tell him how much he hurt you, and ask him to be more sensitive with his words in future.

He said something like 'it'll take hard work, but it's doable if you put the effort in'.

I think he thinks it can be sorted by doing 100 sit ups a day. I've told him so many times that because I've had a prolapse and rectocele repair surgery, sit ups are the worst thing I could do. But I always get the impression he thinks I'm being precious and could do sit ups if I really wanted to but am using the surgery as an excuse. Same with my not running.

I don't do anything high impact either, for the same reason (on the advice of my physio). It's genuinely one of my worse fears that I'll do something to fuck the repair and I'll end up incontinent in my 50s.

He's always telling me I look good and he fancies me, but now I'm wondering if the whole time he's been secretly thinking my stomach is gross?

@slashlover that's not correct. He said she should do something about it. This is what has upset OP, not suggesting that it could be changed if she wanted.

Where did OP say he mentioned surgery?

So invalidate how she feels?

Depends.

Do you frequently mention your stomach? If there was something about me that I didn't like and repeatedly complained about it to my partner, I would take it as a 'if it bothers you, let's see what can be done' comment

Can’t believe some posters are desperately trying to twist it into he was trying to be helpful. Was he fuck . Helpful to himself maybe but that’s it

and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away.

I took above to mean he knows only surgery would support.

But I could be wrong!

I perceived that to be that he thought she should do something about it if that's what she wanted. Eg, if I said "I feel fat, maybe I should join the gym" and my partner said I should, I'd take it as him being supportive of my plan not that he's agreeing I actually need to as such.

It all hinges on whether him saying "yes" meant 'yes, if it's upsetting you, of course I'll support you doing whatever you want to do about it" or "yes, I'd like you to do something about it". If the former then he's been a bit clumsy but is well intentioned. The latter is pretty unforgivable imo. Surgical correction is expensive, painful and like any surgery, carries risk. Absolutely fine for someone to choose it for themselves, disgusting for a man to suggest it to the mother of his children.

You can get non invasive skin tightening procedures but h's obviously a monster.

I don't hate my stomach though. I really make a conscious effort not to hate any part of my body. Especially not the part that was damaged by making my children.

It's not 'perfect' by Instagram beauty standards but it is what it is. Occasionally I wistfully look at pics of me in my 20s and think I'll never wear a bikini again, but to be honest I'm more bothered by all the internal damage that I suffered and that's what I was mainly referring to when I said about my body being destroyed. My BMI is 21 and like I said, I can still fit into clothes I had before the kids were born so it's not like I've really let myself go.

If he’s a good husband etc then this was a rude but accidentally hurtful comment, he’s clearly misjudged this situation. I would talk to him about it but I wouldn’t let it ruin your whole weekend and throw very personal insults at his body in revenge, you no how hurtful it is and you can’t take it back.

Also considering you like your body and are confident and happy with it, is it possible he thought you were more secure and thought you’d just take it as a joke?

YANBU, to everyone saying he meant it in a supportive way as OP is unhappy, when she asked him if he thinks she should do something about it that was his opportunity to say ‘it’s totally up to you” not “yes”!

And to the posters saying she CAN do something about it, you clearly have comprehension issues. She CAN’T do anything about it (other than surgery!). No amount of ‘hard work’ will get rid of it.

OP I totally understand, I lost all my baby weight but still have an overhang mum tum. I tried everything. Personal trainer, healthy diet etc for a good few years and it worked wonders for the rest of my body but the tum has not and will not budge. There’s no muscle in the overhang to tone, it’s just floppy and there lol.

I’m sure your husband didn’t mean to upset you but it’s definitely worth having a chat and breaking things down for him so he’s a bit more understanding!

There is one thing I learned. You don't joke about state of your body unless you are ready for helpful (sometimes not) suggestions.

I think you are overthinking. He obviously finds you attractive and as you said is a good egg, he missjudged one comment he thought might be welcomed based on what you said. Live and learn. Just tell him that was hurtful because you cannot do anything about it and that's it.
Also, dick comments are not equivalent here. Keep it adult.

Remind him when he gets older his balls will hang increasingly lower!!!

He clearly needs educating on your birth injuries and how it limits what you can do. Also that he's being shallow and ungrateful for what you have sacrificed to produce his DC.

I think you very much need to react. Tell him what a massive twat he has been. Point out that loose skin cannot be fixed by exercise. Ask if wrecking yourself to give him children was enough or he would prefer you have unnecessary surgery to be more aesthetic for him.

Lay it on thick and hopefully you'll never need to hear about it again.