I'm trying not to overreact but I'm not sure if I should react or not.

[PelvicFlora]

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

Completely disagree with this post - what a conclusion to jump to from so little information.

@PelvicFlora I feel sorry for your DH as well as you. You've clearly been to hell and back but if you don't talk to the poor bugger about it - well he doesn't have a crystal ball and he can't read your mind.

I'm sure someone has probably mentioned counselling upthread but if not I think you could benefit.

But talk to your DH - tell him what you just said in your post. He's not an obstetrician or any sort of medical expert and you have to be clear about it all to him. You're clearly traumatised and it feels like the birth is relatively recent.

Be fair to your DH, just talk to him.

@NoSquirrels This is how I took it aswell… have you ever mentioned a tummy tuck ? Sounds like he’s suggesting you have options if you want them.

Why focus on the one bad (clumsy, idiotic) thing amongst a day of wonderful things.
If he is normally great, then let if go or, better still, don't massively over react and sensibly ask for some reassurance or clarification.
(Or by all means turn it into a slanging match because that's healthy and will have a great outcome and no one should ever make a mistake)

As others have said, explain to him, as you have done here, exactly what the birth injuries were, and what the knock-on effect is for you.

I'm sorry this happened, and it's definitely time to put him in the picture, in no uncertain terms. He may have meant it in a solution focused way - some people are like that - BUT he should have thought before he spoke.

Have a ☕️ or a 🍷and try to enjoy the rest of your night.

I refuse to have surgery on my stretch marked wrinkly belly because the scars mean I'm proud to have carried and given birth to my child.
I can afford to have surgery but my body is for nourishing babies not looking like a porn star. Any man I am with has to get that.

Agreed. Any man worth his salt, even if you were complaining about your stomach, would tell you were beautiful, wonderful and so strong to have gone through what you have and given him children. He would tell you that you don't need to do anything about it, and certainly not risk an operation for all the reasons Sunriseinwonderland has given. Get angry, very angry.

@PelvicFlora

he was rude yes

and yes you do need to sit him down and set out for him much more clearly what happened to you, how scary and difficult it’s been.

tell him you pushed through and maybe that’s given him a false impression.

however NOT AT ALL because of how it looks, I don’t think you take (or the advice you’ve been given) on ‘don’t do certain types exercise’

is right.

the U.K. is SHOCKING for not helping mothers heal after birth.

You need specialist physio to teach you how to rebuild your core strength safely.

DO NOT just start doing sit ups or running (could make things worse).

but with the right type of specialist support to exercise and rehabilitate the right way you could improve things a lot.

whcih is important for long term quality of life. If things are precarious now, age and gravity will only make things worse overtime.

i had diastis recti (??) thé thing where your stomach muscles stay separated - the heart relying cause of ‘mum yum’ after my second. Large baby, c section.

i did the wrong type of abdominal exercise first, and made it worse.

but with specialist post natal physio (you’ll need to go private) and turned things around.

and once I’d improved the structure I moved onto guided weight training with a knowledgeable about exercise after birth PT.

Second baby is nearly four and my core strength is restored, no wee leaks when running or jumping on the trampoline.

flat stomach too.

yes your DH was rude (and perhaps I’ll informed)

but you do need to act and get specialist help to improve things, not to look better but to support your long term health and well being.

ill come back later and suggest some names

I do think you are a bit sensitive but that isnt a bad thing. We have all been conditioned to worry about our looks and weight and about how pregnancy changes our bodies. I am guessing it just worries you a bit more than you would like, as in you would like not to worry and with your brain you dont, but deep inside in your unconscious you do and thats why you found the conversation hurtful.
From you said further down the thread your husband doesnt seem to understand about the internal damage which is shocking to me. If he is persistent with the sit-ups approach despite the explanations no wonder you are sensitive to anything he says.
Hope you can find out what exactly he ment and get your point across.

Oh.

yeah then I totally take back my comment. YANBU and he’s being a dick.

I would sit down with him and tell him that you will explain once - and once only - about the physical implications child birth had on you.

Now that you have explained it I would tell him that you will not take any further body shaming from him - ever. That this is a red line for you.

If he would like a wife with a pre-birth body he needs to leave you and find someone who hasn't had kids to be with - and obviously take care he doesn't get her pregnant.

Nipp this sh** in the butt straight away as otherwise this will only get worse as you get inevitably older and saggier....

I mean, the martyrish remark about sitting there reflecting on how kids had wrecked your body was pretty mean-spirited; in his shoes I could see being defensive. Especially if he's secretly not happy with your stomach (most men wouldn't be) but has refrained from commenting so as not to hurt your feelings.

Why would you hurl that statement on a day that is supposed to be about celebrating motherhood, not complaining about it?

Maybe he shouldn't have let that slip out but there was provocation. Presumably it wouldn't have been better if he's said "I love every stretch mark as a symbol of our family" or whatever but you can't poke the beehive without getting stung. Maybe just not bring up such topics.

I can't see anything wrong with what he said. You brought up the subject saying your stomach was destroyed. He said it can be fixed. So how on earth is he in the wrong.

It’s likely the only way to get rid of it is a tummy tuck. Ask him if he is going to pay for it

You poor thing, you've been through the mill with the births... 💐

I wouldn't go all nuclear on DH though.
What was he implying could be done?
Does he understand that a surgery is an only option and it's not an easy one?

I'm a very fit size 8 myself with a puckered up tummy due to being biiiiig in my pregnancy.
I'd accept your DHs comment if he'd be ready to fork out for an op! But then I'd do that for myself anyway if I could afford it, so the conversation wouldn't bother me.

You were looking for reassurance, he was looking to solve the 'problem'. Its a communication issue as old as time.

OMFG I cannot believe all the responses on here saying you asked for it. Women are so conditioned to be hard on ourselves and our bodies, we don’t need a DH backing up our self criticism with ‘helpful’ comments. He’s supposed to be your biggest advocate.
If my husband ever said anything like that to me, I’d fire back, sure I’ll sort it out as soon as you sort out your (insert imperfections here). Followed by FO.
No totally unacceptable. YANBU.

Well, you know you need to change that now, dont you. Without giving it a thought I assumed he knows.

I feel like your updates make it worse. It's massively rage inducing he things this can be fixed with exercise. I have loose skin from weight loss. The only way I could get rid of it is surgery. It's not terrible and day to day I don't hate it but it's not something you can exercise away. I've researched plenty!

In addition you say the type of exercise he's talking about would be dangerous for you. So his know it all mansplaining attitude is making everything worse.

He's been rude, insensitive and arrogant.

Why did you spoil a lovely day by saying you were going to sit and think about how you’ve destroyed your body though? I read it that he was trying to support you if you are saying you are yourself not happy with body. He sounds as if he is normally great so ask before you accuse him and hurt his feelings. You might be getting upset thinking he’s thinking things he actually isn’t? Hope you can clear things up.

Well what I mean by in the dark is that he's ignorant, I suppose.

He was with me through both births. The first birth took 36 hours and he was there for all of it. Didn't sleep. But somehow didn't register that forceps, 3c tear and PPH would be life-changing...? I mean, he saw all of it happen with his own eyes but I just don't think it's ever gone in.

Same when I had a C section. He was all 'yeah you can drive within two weeks - what you worried about?'. Because he would, I suppose. He's the sort of person who would still get up and go to work even if his right arm was hanging off by a thread. He's never ill, and even when he is, he pretends he isn't. He's the opposite of the 'man flu' man.

I think you brought up the fact that you'd 'destroyed' your body. Given the context I really don't think he said anything wrong, and I think it may be probable he was just discussing what you had raised.

🙄

Then why don't you tell him?

He was really insensitive but if he doesn't know the full facts (and I do find that odd - surely he had the lowdown as soon as you were back in the ward at the latest?) he needs to know now

OP, I read your update that he means you could exercise loose skin and stretch marks away...

I still don't think he's horrible just very, very stupid.
Maybe he could exercise himself taller.

I think he's just read the situation wrong, and not like he thinks your a 'fat cow' or doesn't fancy you.

Go back to a few hours ago when you felt lucky and confident in yourself. You should be, you sound like an amazing woman.

Just tell him it was so badly handled and suss it out.

He's never ill, and even when he is, he pretends he isn't.

By your own admission you did the same after birth. Society as a whole expects women to bounce back after birth, it’s wrong but it’s a common misconception. You still need to communicate with eachother though, if you never mention it being an issue he still can’t no, like it or not he’s never going to start reading your mind. Hence why you need to tell him how you feel about what he said.