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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm trying not to overreact but I'm not sure if I should react or not.

258 replies

PelvicFlora · 19/03/2023 18:36

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

OP posts:
Thirtyandflailing · 20/03/2023 19:16

That would piss me off tbh. My second child was 9lb 7oz and honestly the only thing that helped was a tummy tuck because no exercise was going to tighten it back up.

Redragtoabull · 20/03/2023 19:28

Wait till he gets saggy, wrinkly balls and revisit that conversation!

Danielle8p · 20/03/2023 19:33

@PelvicFlora coming from someone who always takes things as a personal insult I honestly think he thinks you really do think your tummys ruined cause of your jokey comment and when you said do u think I should do something about it he said yes and in 'if your that unhappy about it' x

Lovetoplan · 20/03/2023 19:45

Consider surgery if you can - its not difficult and you may feel a whole lot better about yourself afterwards!

Coffeellama · 20/03/2023 20:01

Lovetoplan · 20/03/2023 19:45

Consider surgery if you can - its not difficult and you may feel a whole lot better about yourself afterwards!

Surgery for what exactly?

Lovetoplan · 20/03/2023 20:07

Tummy tuck

Coffeellama · 20/03/2023 20:11

Lovetoplan · 20/03/2023 20:07

Tummy tuck

Why would that make her feel better? Have you read her posts?

Withnailandeye · 20/03/2023 20:14

I think it was an insensitive misguided remark which came from a place of kindness after what sounds like a weekend in which you’ve been spoilt.

I can’t actually believe you took his card and bought £200 of Pilates without discussing it with him though, that’s not ok and if this thread was by a husband about a wife, the replies on essentially stealing £200 of his money would be entirely different. That is not the way a healthy relationship works.

T1Dmama · 20/03/2023 20:27

I don’t think he thinks you’re fat… he, like you is just aware that your tummy skin is stretched…. While pointing it out is insensitive, many people say things without really thinking until after… I wouldn’t have held it over him, I would just point out to him that the skin is stretched and not much you can do about it…
Have you tried moisturising it everyday and gently massaging the area to stimulate circulation ?

Fluffmum · 20/03/2023 20:32

Tell him to f@vk off!

mitsandscarf · 20/03/2023 21:03

after reading your post you were already very hyper aware, think maybe he was trying to help not meaning to be offensive, but should not have probably said anything! I wouldn’t take it too much to heart, but maybe say to him I’m very conscious so took that to heart, I think he would be mortified he’s upset you!

Sadnangry · 20/03/2023 21:08

My husband is lovely too but always comes out with thoughtless comments…I’ve just gotten used to them now and repeat them back for him to see how bad they are… he then backtracks like crazy and grovels 😂 for example i recently lost over a stone in weight… his comment…you can really see your pretty face again now, it doesn’t look toxic and fat anymore 🙄😂😂. At the same time I know he’d die for me xx hope you’re feeling better now xx

summerin69 · 20/03/2023 21:53

If you say he's really an all round good egg - then I think he's just stumbled into that tactless hole that men seem to, where they're saying what they think you want them to say. He knows you're sensitive about your tummy, so he's trying to see if he can 'fix it' by saying it's not hopeless, you can do something about it if it makes you feel bad - and give you 'hope', not realising it's had the opposite effect.

It stung because you're already sensitive about it. If you didn't care, then what he said would have been like water off a duck's back. Which is exactly what he's picking up on - he knows you care about it and wants to help.

Because you're sensitive about it, even if he'd said all the right things.. do you think you might still have wondered if he really meant it?

Why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Unless he's cruel and thoughtless most of the time, then... don't.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 20/03/2023 22:11

I don’t think the OP is coming back but this has been a dizzying roundup of women telling other women they deserve to be told if their body isn’t good enough for their menz. What jolly cheeky hubsters eh? Gotta love ‘em 🤔

WTAFhappened123 · 20/03/2023 22:15

My husband told me in front of our friends - that my body has ‘so much potential’ 😳

Atsocta · 20/03/2023 22:15

What an unkind idiot …

HettyMeg · 20/03/2023 22:36

What an arsehole. Sorry you've had that comment OP.

Original poster
PelvicFlora · 20/03/2023 22:46

Withnailandeye · 20/03/2023 20:14

I think it was an insensitive misguided remark which came from a place of kindness after what sounds like a weekend in which you’ve been spoilt.

I can’t actually believe you took his card and bought £200 of Pilates without discussing it with him though, that’s not ok and if this thread was by a husband about a wife, the replies on essentially stealing £200 of his money would be entirely different. That is not the way a healthy relationship works.

He can afford it!

OP posts:
Original poster
PelvicFlora · 20/03/2023 22:53

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 20/03/2023 22:11

I don’t think the OP is coming back but this has been a dizzying roundup of women telling other women they deserve to be told if their body isn’t good enough for their menz. What jolly cheeky hubsters eh? Gotta love ‘em 🤔

Haha, yes quite.

I should have realised when I got pregnant that the inevitable consequence would be that my husband would find my body grotesque.

I need to stop being so oversensitive, hard work and vain. But also consider having a tummy tuck; to fulfil my womanly duty of remaining fuckable.

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 20/03/2023 23:29

SIGH...sadly, all too often, men think that when we say things like that, we are asking for them to fix it. He MAY have been trying to be supportive. Of course, he MAY have also been being an ass. Which one is he, generally? That's your most likely answer.

mustgetoffmn · 21/03/2023 01:13

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 18:43

Suggest he gets one of those penis pumps and he could also improve himself..

Great idea

mustgetoffmn · 21/03/2023 01:17

Well it’s not about reacting or not. The remark is tactless and unnecessary whatever vein it was said in. Would think he’s already noticed you felt upset by it.

Carouselfish · 21/03/2023 01:31

@Blossomtoes hot is relative. It wouldn't be ludicrous to say he still found it hot!!

threatmatrix · 21/03/2023 01:47

Then I suggest he stumps up 10k for a tummy tuck.

Shauny098 · 21/03/2023 02:32

PelvicFlora · 19/03/2023 18:36

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

What do you think by “do something about it”, do you think he meant tummy tuck? Because it sounds like only that would “fix” it (not saying it needs to be fixed btw) BUT if you wanted to I’ve had a full TT, I had a huge split and the surgeon said I had the worst stomach she’d ever seen (cheers doc, and I was a size 6!). It’s the best decision I ever made! Tell him he can pay for it then and (if this is something you want) I’d make damn sure I got it after that comment!

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