I'm trying not to overreact but I'm not sure if I should react or not.

[PelvicFlora]

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

Start your own thread then you can get some proper responses, you won’t get them on someone else’s.

@Newtothis2023

I think you need to start a new thread - you’ve posted on someone else’s dilemma!

I think he was offering to pay for surgery if that's what you want, maybe a bit clumsy but no harm meant.

@Newtothis2023 you have posted on somebody else's thread by accident.

@PelvicFlora At the risk of repeating myself and other people - if you haven't told him, if he has blanked everything he saw and/or doesn't understand the implications, TELL HIM. It sounds like he's under the misapprehension that you meant a bit of a saggy tummy when you actually meant the whole deal of everything child carrying and birth did to your body. TELL HIM.

I would sit him down and explain everything you’ve said here - about your body, the revisits, your fears. He needs to be on the same page as you. I think this situation is more complicated than an insensitive husband.

*the repairs (not revisits)

Thanks i didn't mean to. Trying to delete but don't know how. 🙈

Report your post and ask for it to be deleted.

I mean, the martyrish remark about sitting there reflecting on how kids had wrecked your body was pretty mean-spirited

It was absolutely a tongue-in-cheek joke.

We were bantering about him doing the dinner. I jokingly told him he was sorting it and he jokingly said 'so what are you going to to then?' and I jokingly said 'oh just sit and contemplate how carrying your children ruined my body...' or words to that effect. My intended meaning being - 'it's Mothers Day you cheeky sod, you making dinner is the least you could do in return for me birthing your massive kids'. It was all very light-hearted until he made the stomach comment. It just caught me so unawares and hurt me in a way I found surprising.

Thankyou

There is a Report button at the bottom of your post here, click on that and ask tha admins to take it down.
PS. copy it into a new thread before you do ask to have it deleted ;)

Then it’s time to fix this so that what you can now refer to as “the Mother’s Day incident” and all the times he’s inferred you’re just too precious to “run off” your mum tum (wtf) never happen again. Permanent end of discussion.

I recommend, maybe not tonight, wait until your emotions have settled a little, maybe tomorrow, but then, wait until the kids are asleep, and then sit down at the dining room table. Start with what has bothered you, and why the Mother’s Day comment fed into it, exactly what you’ve told us, “You seem to not understand the injuries I sustained during birth at all. I am taking advice about exercise, from a trained physio. If I did what you’re suggesting, I could be forced to wear diapers in just a decade or so. Do you not understand what happened to me? Because you’re normally a good husband, but this is a huge oversight.”

And then I recommend you explain a 3C tear to him in male anatomy terms. “Imagine that you have somehow managed to squeeze a rugby ball out of the tip of your penis. Penises are meant to stretch quite far, but that’s actually too big, so you have torn your entire penis, the tear goes through your testicles, and into the actual muscles that control your arsehole. It is truly impossible for you to ever be the way you were before.” Enough of this bollocks. Men need to understand that when women say their bodies are destroyed, they mean it. If most men had a tear like that on their own bodies, they’d assume it was a hospice situation, and NO WAY would they go home and take care of the house and children just the following week. Tell him. Let. It. All. Out. That you “got on” because you had to, but the pain was excruciating and you were terrified the whole time and probably not following doctors’ orders. Don’t let the fact that he doesn’t “understand” what happened poison your whole marriage, and serve as the starting point for resentment.

If you do this and have a heart to heart, hopefully it’ll sort this. But if he STILL makes felony stupid comments… I’m sorry, but the chances are that you’re slowly going to remember when he does things like this more and more (ruin Mothers Day for you) and remember he’s a “good egg” less and less. So I really do hope it can be nipped in the bud, OP. Good luck.

You could do 500 sit ups a day, run 50 miles and shrink to a size 8 and it wouldn't make any difference at all.
Only surgery ( tummy tuck +/- liposuction ) would get rid of it. And it's a very painful, uncomfortable procedure
His remark was ill informed and insensitive albeit probably coming from a place of concern

I would have found this very upsetting as well - I’m sorry this happened to you today of all days.

My only thought is your DH must have meant to suggest some kind of cosmetic surgery and was letting you know he’d support incurring the cost. It sounds like you are a very healthy size and should not be dieting (nor would this have any impact on your stomach because it’s loose skin due to stretching during childbirth).

All I can suggest is asking him to clarify the meaning behind his comment and explaining how much it hurt you. Childbirth is so hard on women’s bodies and we don’t need to be made to feel guilt on top of that for failing to live up to some unrealistic beauty standard. I know it’ll be upsetting to address it head-on but I think it’s better than allowing it to fester and it’s important for your husband to understand how comments like this make you feel (and it’s not you - the majority of women would feel the same). And that they can ultimately damage your connection.

@5YearsLeft spot on

@5YearsLeft couldn't have put it better myself!

Awh OP I'm really sorry he hurt your feelings, especially on mother's day! However, is the appearance of your belly something you've complained about to him? Because if it is, what is he supposed to say, except to give you advice on fixing it? If you've never complained about it before then totally different story though.

Just thinking of how I'd feel if my own husband was constantly moaning about the appearance of his belly, and if it was indeed surgically repairable. I think I'd also probably try and help him! But I guess there's no way to do that without acknowledging/agreeing that it looks bad.

Totally agree with @UWhatNow , it wasn't a generous offer to pay for curative surgery for loose skin as if you had been going on about it for years and wishing you could afford to have it done. It was very, very rude and of course it's hurtful and has spoiled the day. I would tell him later once the kids are in bed.

I agree with this

I do think your husband doesn't get it. From what you say, perhaps part of the reason he doesn't get it is because you haven't been clear enough about it with him? If you have, then you should ask him not to express his opinion. If not, you should explain it to him. Though it's not an excuse, I don't think many men empathise with post-birth trauma is it is something that will never affect them.

I read it to mean that he would support you in trying to improve your body. Whether that meant personal training or surgery and he would do the majority of caring for the kids in order to help you recover etc. When he said you should do something I read that to mean that even though surgery is drastic it’s worth it if it makes you feel happier.

However, tone is EVERYTHING and I wasn’t there and also I’m autistic. And even if he meant it kindly I’d still assume he meant to hurt me in the moment.

I think you should talk to him about how it made you feel and how he responds to that will tell you what you need to know

Very very few men really understand how much women are judged by their looks, and what pregnancy actually does to your body. Too many of them think it's no different to ordinary weight gain.

If he's not normally an arsehole, I'd give him a chance to make good. If he decides instead to turn it into you being oversensitive, or any other variation of you being wrong to be upset, I'd honestly consider the relationship. That's not shallow, it's a man not giving a shit and trying to pin his cruel and hurtful fuck ups on to you. I really haven't seen any decent men who make remarks like that.

I