I'm trying not to overreact but I'm not sure if I should react or not.

[PelvicFlora]

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

@slashlover calm down the second option is just a joke.

Too many people on Mumsnet seem to think it's ok to receive hurtful comments and do nothing about it. I've walked out before when DH was rude to me and he's not done it ever again, he apologised profusely and learnt his lesson. I didn't create a big argument because why get more angry when I could go have a nice evening elsewhere - I didn't go to a hotel but to a friend's nearby but if they had said no then I wouldn't have hesitated to go to a nice hotel, bed to myself, no middle of the night wake up for the toddlers etc.

The people who accept rude behaviour from their DHs/DPs and don't challenge or question it worry me the most.

I think he's completely in the dark about what actually happened to me and what effect my birth injuries have had on me.

Mainly because - although you might not think it from my OP - I never really talk about it. Even when I'd just given birth and after the surgery, etc, I was stoic and just cracked on with everything. I had no help, no family near by, DH was an hour and a half commute away every day, so I just got on with things. I think because he's always seen me coping, he has never registered that I came within a couple of millimetres of being fecally incontinent and that I had a haemorrhage during the birth and, and, and...

But I've always known in myself how bad it was and how precarious my 'inside situation' is. TBH the state of my loose stomach skin is the least of my problems, but he seems to think it's all one and the same thing and if I just stopped being so precious and went for a few long runs, the mum tum would just magically disappear?

@PelvicFlora you need to tell him all of that.

I would struggle to get over that. It's so hurtful on so many levels.

He ruined the good weekend, his comment was appalling.

He is a man who has no clue, but should after what you’ve been through in childbirth, how a woman’s body in the stomach area often simply doesn’t go back to completely pre birth condition. No matter how many sit ups or exercises.

How ignorant of him. I’d say, ‘This area is the result of bringing our children to life. You reject that and you’re rejecting me and what I went through and our children’s entrance into the world. Love it or leave it.’

But if he doesn't know all that, how is he expected to know that when you talk about your damaged body you're not talking about your "mum tum"? That's all he knows because that's all he can see. He can't know that isn't what you're talking about.

You need to sit him down, this evening, and tell him exactly what happened to your body and what the surgery did.

Tell him to educate himself. Tell him to do some research about birth injuries, and actually express an interest in what you went through. When he's done all that, he can come back with a plan that's based on knowledge rather than ignorance.

How rude of him.

He should be proud of your tummy, it is evidence of your love and courage in bringing forth his f children.

Sounds like the perfect opportunity to explain exactly what you have told us here about your injuries and let him have it.

I actually feel a bit sorry for your OH. Sounds as if he loves you but you've kept a lot from him - for loving reasons, trying to protect him, I expect. I was getting all cross with his mansplaining and telling you about exercise, but your latest post makes me realise he doesn't know that there is NO WAY!

So YABU - a bit. You need to sit him down and explain to him about your health and what you have been through. I predict tears on both sides and a lovely healing cuddle as a result. (And do womansplain to him about the loose skin while you're at it!)

Good luck, and I look forward to you feeling a lot better. Hugs.

I mean, he thinks that is what you meant when you said your body was destroyed, so it’s time to have a proper conversation so he doesn’t get mixed up again. Good luck.

It seems blatantly obvious that this did not come from purely the good place of supporting OP if this was something that was bothering her - everything OP has said about his phrasing and his wider attitude suggests that he is one of those people who thinks people are being lazy and making excuses if they allow themselves not to be in shape (there are many out there that think like this) and is also totally ignorant of the actual impact of childbirth on OP. Lucky him that he's in the privileged position of being a man and not having to carry and birth his children.

I would take him to your next physio appointment and explain it to him - together with the physio.
Also explain to him what you have written here. Sometimes men really don’t realise. I get the whole getting on with it - often there is no choice. But the time has come now to be really open. Maybe some online resources about 3rd degree tears - and relate it to his anatomy in some comparative way eg a split from base of penis through testicles to anus. That areas usually quite a sensitive subject for men. It might put it in perspective for him.

Well then tell him… how is he suppose to no, if he doesn’t no.

Seconded. I think men sometimes think they need to offer solutions when what we are looking for is reassurance.

I do think it was misjudged rather than nasty.

I would say this, but like many men he is stupid. I'm sorry you are upset OP

It was cruel and deliberate . This didn't just pop into his head , he's been thinking this for a while and has not held it back ... because he knew it would be a cruel thing to say out loud . He did it to put you back in your box for getting ' on your high horse ' and pointing out he was cooking .

By are you shielding him from you have been through ? You tell him exactly what your body has been through physically and the mental impact of this on you and how cruel, crass his remark was.

Unfortunately I don't think you'll ever forget this remark ... he really went very low with that .

I’d do this, Op.

I think there was a misunderstanding of the situation. You were talking about what you went through as a way to get him to cook. He mistook it to think you were complaining and upset about your body and offered a practical solution.

Don’t let it ruin your day

This incident aside would you say he's a good person? A genuinely loving husband? If he is I think it might be good for both of you for you to tell him this or to put the information in these posts together (not show him the thread) and print it out and give them to him. Sometimes it's easier to tell people things in a non-verbal way. Include how much this has hurt you and why. This is something that's important to you and about you, you should he be able to tell him things that matter and get support. He should be willing to listen and take your points on board and realise he's been a dick and apologise for the hurt he's caused. That should be what a marriage is.

Sit him down and be radically honest with him. Tell him that you want him to listen carefully and fully. Tell him exactly what you've just said to us. Show him diagrams of the muscles that the tear went through and talk about the fact that the repair is scar tissue, which is a different tissue to muscle, which means that the injury could be ripped open again, and that the result is that he could have a faecally incontinent wife if she does sit ups. Then talk about stomach skin being stretched beyond it's normal elasticity during pregnancy, and how sit ups work to tone up muscle not skin, and how this is just how your stomach looks now. Tell him how you've tried really hard to not develop hang ups about any part of your body's totally normal and natural way of looking, and how difficult that is when women are constantly surrounded by airbrushed beauty and being judged for not fitting impossible beauty standards. In particular tell him about your haemorrhage in as much honest detail as you can and that you very nearly died as a result of it. Tell him how his comment made you feel. Tell him all of it.

I refuse to have surgery on my stretch marked wrinkly belly because the scars mean I'm proud to have carried and given birth to my child.
I can afford to have surgery but my body is for nourishing babies not looking like a porn star.
Any man I am with has to get that.