dinner just went to shit - why?

[Whatjusthappenedthen]

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

Just put the gravy on in the kitchen and some nice music on the radio in future.

Pick your arguments OP and don’t set an atmosphere at dinner times. Hope you’re all having a nicer evening x

Wow all this over gravy!?! And 2 adults, who should know better, to-ing and fro-ing at the dinner table with the telly on in the background! Jeez, family meals are such fun.

From my perspective it isn't so much the grave comment that was unreasonable (although it was unnecessary) it was then constantly snarling at her for being sulky.
You cannot control another person’s emotions. And you definitely can’t make them happier by telling them off!

Next time: be the change you want to soo. so if you want everyone to be happy and relaxed, YOU have to be happy and relaxed. Nobody else can feel this way while you’re storming out and sniping at your daughter.

be the change you want to *see

I don’t need to rtft to know it’ll be 12 pages of everyone saying pretty much the same thing but thanks for your unwanted and unasked for advice.

Well done for owning up to your mistake and apologising OP.

At least you've realised now OP. Sounds like the atmosphere was awful.
How about putting some music or the radio on rather than the TV if you're sitting down to eat together? You want background noise and telly is just too distracting imho.

You can just read the OP’s posts at a mere click of a button. Means you don’t have to trawl through the whole thread but you can at least read enough to be able to make a useful comment.

Personally, I think the reaction over the gravy was over-sensitive and a bit strange, and then to stomp out, then come back, then tell your DP off for turning down the tv, then your poor DD to be sitting there fighting back tears ... it sounds just awful. I'm afraid though that if I have to give my fair opinion, you did seem to be driving a lot of the stress.

Just have to draw a line under it I guess.

Really? So the OP posted a thread asking a question on a parenting site with a huge amount of followers for the bant and larfs then? Jesus.

I'm reading this @Whatjusthappenedthen that your partner may not be your children's father? Am I right and is this an issue for you?

If I’m not mistaken I said pretty much what everyone else said - and the OP agreed she was wrong and apologised to her dd 👍

Wtf is wrong with people on here? Do you think there are “rules” of your own making that people have to follow to be allowed to comment on a thread? You are not the arbitrator of wrong and right on MN - get a bloody grip 🤣

I appreciate you may be ND but you sound quite difficult and set the tone for the meal.

I'm glad you've all had a hug and sorted things out!!

Also exactly like my mother, nothing was ever good enough.

I realise that now and that I need to stop it before dd ends up exactly the same as me.

@Whatjusthappenedthen I know it's a thread of people telling you you're wrong, me amongst them.

What's important here is that you're learning. And can make a real change.

What I think you need to do:

1. Acknowledge that you need to change
2. Try to see that 'winning' isn't a thing with your own kids. It's not a power struggle, it's a family. Let other people have the gravy, do what they want with their face etc.
3. Stop the TV at the table. It's helping and hindering at the same time. Would music work? It's more calming and less intrusive.
4. Stop recreating your childhood. I had to in a big way. My mother was like yours and I started that way. It took a lot of books, parenting classes and honesty to change. Give your kids some power. I started deliberating allowing my mum's rules to be broken. We made our own rules which we ALL agreed to.
5. Never force emotion. If your kid is annoyed, they are allowed to be. Don't force smiles, or happiness or anything like that. If they are annoyed, acknowledge it kindly and let it be, "sorry you're feeling unhappy DD, let me know if you want to talk about it" and then just have dinner. Let her frown and have a face on. It's OK.

All the best.

Is your partner their dad?

Lols. Just saying if you read the just the OP’s posts you don’t have to repeat what everyone else has already said, when she’s already acknowledged she was wrong and that she’s apologised to her daughter. Thought it might be helpful info.

Get another gravy boat or two then everyone is covered..

The problem is you.

Did you ask before going for the gravy? You are rude and entitled and your passive aggressive bitchiness would make anyone want to avoid having a meal with you.

Fair play to you coming back op and owning it

Glad there's been some positive ideas you've taken from this and everyone's had a good old hug

Even better give everyone a miniature gravy jug - that’s what I do. You can get them cheap from amazon.

There now -that’s a useful comment🤣

That’s not panic, you went on the attack. You even saw she was close to tears and continued. You actually told her you couldn’t stand to sit next to her and left. That’s not panic. It’s mean bullying behaviour and border line abusive .

Oh op I really feel for you. Data like these can make you feel like you e really cocked everything up but well done for taking some time to reflect and chat to your dd. Onwards and upwards

The people who have told me how they would have handled things have actually helped more than they realise because I just can't picture how else I should have reacted, if that makes any sense at all

and reacted to what exactly? Her getting the gravy first, being upset as you were a bully? You are still posting like she did something wrong.

she did not.

I still don't understand what she did wrong going for gravy? Surely you just say "pass the gravy when you're done thanks"

I'm guessing mother's day is at the root of this and you know you were the over-reactor in this one.
Were you perhaps disappointed by a lack of family show of appreciation for mother's day?

The day causes a lot of expectations and can actually be a very tough day with all the expectations that come with it.
All the best for tomorrow. xx