AIBU?
How do some intelligent men not fucking get it??
Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 11:52
DH is an intelligent human being. How is it that any intelligent human being has managed to fuck Mother’s Day up to this extent?
A few weeks ago, he asked me what I want to do for Mother’s Day. I said I’d like a day to relax, maybe lunch or afternoon tea with my DM or something like that. He said everything would be booked up and overpriced on mothers day so that was a clear no.
This morning at 6.30, DS wanted a toy that was left in the car and I asked DH to get it, he responded with “why is that my responsibility?”. No card, no cup of tea, no breakfast in bed - nothing. Every Sunday we do a dog walk and go to a cafe. Cafe opens at 8 but is heaving by 9 so DH is then hurrying me along to be out of the house early. In the cafe, DH goes to save a table and I go to order wrangling DS. DH and I order the same thing but they only have one left so I order something else for one of us - I tell him that and he makes no offer for me to have the thing we both originally wanted. He then tucks in and I manage DS and DD - by the time he’s finished, I’ve barely touched mine so he had over half of my food too. DS then sees something outside and runs over to the window, I go to retrieve him and when I get back, DH tells me that he’s had to get up to deal with DD “because she was so sad” and I wasn’t dealing with it (because I was on the other side of the room with DS!!). He’s purchased a book off Amazon that you’re supposed to gap fill with phrases like “I love my mummy because ” but he hasn’t filled it out. No card, no flowers, no dinner cooked, nothing. …and he’s just told me he thinks I should go to the gym. How hard is it for an intelligent, decent person to buy a bunch of flowers, fill out a card, make a cup of tea and not criticise me for one bloody day of the year?!
Happy Fucking Mother’s Day everyone!
Am I being unreasonable?
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Doormatnomore · 19/03/2023 12:34
We’ve not marked Mother’s Day in this house for a variety of reasons (mostly cause we never mark anything) but so Dh has changed the beds and it doing the ironing. I’ve set the kiddos up with activities and we’re debating what to roast for tea. We’ll head to the supermarket in a bit. It’s nothing to do with mothers day and 100% about whether we are a tea or a manager and subordinate.
arethereanyleftatall · 19/03/2023 12:34
He may well be intelligent op, but he's certainly not decent. Nor is he very nice.
None of the behaviour from him you have detailed is pleasant on any day, let alone Mother's Day.
I suspect in years to come, you will look back on this portion of your life and wonder why on Earth you tolerated him.
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/03/2023 12:35
You may have an intelligent husband OP but you certainly don't have a decent one.
He doesn't give a shit about you I'm afraid. You ask why he doesn't take 10 minutes or spend £10 to make you happy and make his day easier, but you're not getting that your happiness makes absolutely no difference to his day. He literally doesn't care.
Start making plans to leave him, even if you can't do it right now. He's a shit human being and you don't deserve to be stuck with him.
justasking111 · 19/03/2023 12:35
Back in the day I had cards from school, breakfast in bed, flowers from OH. I didn't have to cook which was nice. We visited both mothers during the day.
Today grown sons organised a brunch so a full Welsh breakfast at 9.30 am at a lovely venue. So four mums had a nice treat.
My youngest couldn't get home train strike, royal mail still haven't delivered the card he posted on Monday.
OH always said mother day for me not his responsibility. Ummm. I sorted out his mum too 🙄
HaggisBurger · 19/03/2023 12:35
QuackMooBaaOink · 19/03/2023 12:30
There are so many posts like this along a similar theme. For what it's worth, here are my thoughts.
- he doesn't "not get it", he is making an active choice to not bother.
- expecting your family (DH/older kids) to make effort for you, to make you feel cared for and appreciated, DOES NOT make you entitled or unrealistic.
- if children are young, then YES it is ABSOLUTELY DHs job to facilitate mothers day for them. No it isn't spouse day, but it is about children seeing care and gratitude being modelled in their home and helping them to show it too.
- no its not a commercialised day unless you make it so. Most women on here are not expecting the moon on a stick. A bloody cup of tea, a card and and a £1 bunch of daffodils would at least show someone had cared enough to mark the day.
- for some women, mothers day isn't a thing. Now whether that's because they are just so used to the lack of consideration that they've stopped caring or whether they genuinely aren't bothered isn't for me to say, but either way, that doesn't mean that expecting your family to show they give one iota of crap on one day out of 365, makes you "grabby".
- finally, children learn by what they live. I'm sad at how many children are being surreptitiously fed the narrative that it's ok that mum's a martyr and its OK that we don't bother for her. I'm pretty sure if we tried pulling that crap on them on birthdays/ Xmas there would be a riot. Also, you are telling daughters that this level of effort is acceptable, and sons that this is the way to treat their future partners/mothers of their children.
I am in a situation where my DH is really good and will always make effort and facilitate for my young DC. Consequently, my 6 year old this year got her crafting stuff out one afternoon and starting making me a card because she had been told at school/rainbows/somewhere that it was nearly mothers day. She ASKED her dad to help her make me breakfast this morning and she tiptoed out of bed to get him up without waking me. This isn't me trying to be smug and this isn't because my child is some sort of angel (believe me!! 😄) It's because for 6 years, she has seen my DH model and facilitate love and care and thoughtfulness towards me, and us towards her. She has learnt by what she lives. Appreciating and showing thanks and love to your family is normal to her.
So to all of you who have had a disappointing mothers day, I'm sending you a massive hug and a virtual bunch of flowers 💐 you are all amazing and deserve much more. Please advocate for yourselves and your children. Shitty, half arsed partners deserve picking up on it and don't EVER feel entitled for expecting a basic bloody lie in and a cuppa.
❤❤❤
Yes. This. In a nutshell.
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 19/03/2023 12:36
Some men just don't seem to understand how important Mothers Day is for us. I've had nothing from my adult dch's today. I had to train DH after he said "Why should I organise it? You're not my mother!" But at least he's cooking lunch today.
Sit him down later in the week and calmly tell him what you've told us. Hopefully he'll learn for your birthday/next year.
Grannyd47 · 19/03/2023 12:38
i was just feeling a bit blue, because since my daughter died aged 43,neither son had remembered. It is also my birthday only 8 days ago & neither son sent card then; husband wrote on a piece of paper "crap card". But today I was delighted that husband disappeared to shops to return with flowers & chocolates commisssioned by 2nd son (we live abroad)
amyneedssleep · 19/03/2023 12:39
Why are so many women on here putting up with men who clearly loathe them? He's with you because he knows that without a wife he would have to take complete responsibility for himself and life has taught him that this is unacceptable. So he reluctantly takes a wife and demonstrates his virility by having the requisite two kids, who he barely acknowledges.
It's so depressing. Is this really the life you imagined for yourself and your children? At least call him out on his shit if you're determined to stay with him!
Redbluegreen123 · 19/03/2023 12:39
My husband is totally shit with all anniversaries and today has been no different. He couldn't be bothered to supervise the children signing the card so they basically destroyed it. I have to buy my own presents birthday Christmas mother's day other wise I get practical gifts like aprons or pans. I'm on strike from all gift buying this year including the kids birthdays. I make so much effort for everyone's birthday his included got him a one off experience for his 40th mine nothing I don't even recall getting a card. I feel massively unappreciated and it's wearing thin as somehow it's always my fault he doesn't or hasn't made the effort. Fml
DinosApple · 19/03/2023 12:41
I think mother's day with really small children is quite hard when your DH doesn't get it.
There was a great year where DH got flowers for his mum, flowers for my mum and yet none for me from the small DC...
The good news is, it gets better. I added chocolates I like to the shopping list in case they forgot. And bought a chicken for DH to shove in the oven.
DC didn't forget though, DD1 made me a treasure hunt with clues to my spa evening present (face pack and a movie) and DD2 knitted me a scarf.
Rather typically DH said oh maybe we should go out for father's Day lunch...
donttellmehesalive · 19/03/2023 12:42
Is this new behaviour or is he usually hopeless on special days?
If it's new, I'd want to know why.
If it's not, I don't understand why you've put up with years of disappointing birthdays and mothers days.
Do you make a fuss on Father's Day?
Did he do anything for his own mum?
Did you do anything nice for your mum?
RemoteControlDoobry · 19/03/2023 12:43
Can you go out by yourself? Take yourself for a nice lunch, buy yourself a present and arrive home with some lovely flowers. You could even write your own card to make him feel really bad🙂.
My exH is ‘intelligent’ with an important job but he’s one of the most stupid people I know.
SkyandSurf · 19/03/2023 12:44
Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 12:08
I just don’t understand. It would take ten minutes and £10 total to buy a card, buy a bunch of flowers, and make me a cup of tea. In exchange, he’d get me being happy and grateful and we’d have a nice time. Even from an entirely selfish perspective, surely ten minutes and £10 is worth it for him to have a nice day?!
It's not about this day. It's about showing you that he is more important, your needs aren't worth attending to, the children are mostly your responsibility' and he comes first- even on a day meant for you.
He didn't want today to be a nice day.
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