AIBU?
How do some intelligent men not fucking get it??
Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 11:52
DH is an intelligent human being. How is it that any intelligent human being has managed to fuck Mother’s Day up to this extent?
A few weeks ago, he asked me what I want to do for Mother’s Day. I said I’d like a day to relax, maybe lunch or afternoon tea with my DM or something like that. He said everything would be booked up and overpriced on mothers day so that was a clear no.
This morning at 6.30, DS wanted a toy that was left in the car and I asked DH to get it, he responded with “why is that my responsibility?”. No card, no cup of tea, no breakfast in bed - nothing. Every Sunday we do a dog walk and go to a cafe. Cafe opens at 8 but is heaving by 9 so DH is then hurrying me along to be out of the house early. In the cafe, DH goes to save a table and I go to order wrangling DS. DH and I order the same thing but they only have one left so I order something else for one of us - I tell him that and he makes no offer for me to have the thing we both originally wanted. He then tucks in and I manage DS and DD - by the time he’s finished, I’ve barely touched mine so he had over half of my food too. DS then sees something outside and runs over to the window, I go to retrieve him and when I get back, DH tells me that he’s had to get up to deal with DD “because she was so sad” and I wasn’t dealing with it (because I was on the other side of the room with DS!!). He’s purchased a book off Amazon that you’re supposed to gap fill with phrases like “I love my mummy because ” but he hasn’t filled it out. No card, no flowers, no dinner cooked, nothing. …and he’s just told me he thinks I should go to the gym. How hard is it for an intelligent, decent person to buy a bunch of flowers, fill out a card, make a cup of tea and not criticise me for one bloody day of the year?!
Happy Fucking Mother’s Day everyone!
Am I being unreasonable?
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tothelefttotheleft · 19/03/2023 13:01
NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 19/03/2023 12:03
Oh and the thing about scoffing the first choice cafe item while you got the fallback choice- that is prickish any day of the year, not just on Mothers’ Day. Basic courtesy requires him to at least offer it to you, even if he hopes you’ll say “No, you have it dear”.
Or he could have split the first item and shared the other one.
habbiespond · 19/03/2023 13:03
ifIwerenotanandroid · 19/03/2023 13:00
In the restaurant, why didn't you tell him they only had one of what you both wanted, "... & since it's Mother's Day, I get it & you get to look after the kids, haha!".
You're brave to ask reasonable questions on here. It's the 19th of March - Martyr's day 😂
ancientgran · 19/03/2023 13:04
So what did you say when he asked why it was his responsibility?
When you ordered the food why didn't you say they only had one of A so I've ordered B for you.
He sounds like he needs clear communication, no use expecting him to work it out himself.
I do agree with him about things being crowded and over priced, we always did a meal out the week before or the week after. I've just bought flowers for GS to give to his mum (another male who needs a poke in the eye with a blunt stick before he cops on) and they were £15, I bet the same ones are £10 next week.
Namechangedforthisonetoday · 19/03/2023 13:05
LaSevillana · 19/03/2023 12:47
It's truly baffling how many married women still feel smug and look down on single women, because from where I'm sitting, it looks like the vast majority of marriages are like this. Mean, lazy husbands letting their wives take on the majority of the housework and everything else, not even bothering with the smallest gestures like flowers or breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. And on top of that, yours negs and criticises your body.
Honestly, why do you bother? Is this your idea of normal? Being emotionally neglected (if not downright abused)? Living with a man who won't get something out of a car for his child? Is this what a good life looks like?
I’m not sure it’s the majority. I have been well and truly spoiled today as I know my friends have also. This man ( your husband OP) is a horrible thoughtless pig. If you are still with this numpty on Father’s Day, don’t do a thing for him. Horrible odious man. Women are servants to men like this. Don’t stay in such a miserable marriage OP with a man who doesn’t really give a stuff about you.
Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2023 13:06
When you’re feeling up to it you need to bollock him from a height.
He needs to understand that a successful marriage means compromise - he might not see the point over a slightly overpriced tea, but you do - so he needs to book it.
Also he needs to step up with the kids.
Sorry you didn’t catch a great one OP, but if he’s basically decent you will have to train him. Get tough - he has no problem with telling it to you like it is - so give him the same back
ancientgran · 19/03/2023 13:06
Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 13:02
I’m not trying to “be a martyr”, I was trying to avoid ruining Mother’s Day (ironically). Trying to have a nice day and stupidly thinking that, if I just go with the flow, it’ll be fine.
Rookie mistake. Take it from someone who got married over 50 years ago if you lie down he'll walk over you, not because he's evil (well not necessarily) but because he's one of those people who lacks insight into what other people would think is quite normal.
Anotheradventureforme · 19/03/2023 13:07
Oh God - I feel you all- and if you would like some advice from an older (divorced!) woman here goes.
You have a choice with these people, you must explain what you want. "Mother's Day is on Sunday. I would like a cup of tea in bed and a card and a cup cake" etc - hinting will not cut it.
If it doesn't happen, you can remind them again or just accept that they really are not that bothered, in which case, if that is important to you then maybe they are not your person . If they are usually wonderful and make you laugh, are a decent parent, work hard and have a good heart then maybe cut them some slack.
Being passive aggressive or a martyr does not cut it. A lot of relationships could have been saved by a direct, honest and grown up conversation, however uncomfortable.
Also, cheer for yourself and own your happiness and time. Okay, Mother's Day, no other bugger has done anything, so I am making toast for lunch and watching Friends for an hour.
Happy Mother's Day all of you - model positivity and fun and your kids will take over and be great when they grow up.
RobertsRadio · 19/03/2023 13:07
DECENT? You really think he is a decent bloke after all that? If you really think he is decent after the stunning display of selfishness this morning, then I'm afraid your standards are appallingly low Op. Even without Mother's Day I would have been seriously pissed off at his antics.
I hope you behave in exactly the same way on Father's Day. Oh and next year, take the DC and the car and spend the day/weekend with your Mum.
Goodread1 · 19/03/2023 13:07
Hi Op
Your husband is Crap (useless), but if he is like that most of time,
Why would he be that much different, today,
He is lazy Complacent,
Taking you far too much for granted ,
Your post has reminded me of a TV 📺 series years ago I used to watch, of a dog whisper trainer, who used to help women with unruly dogs 🐕, and she would in a jokey way, train up at the same time their husbands of these dogs owners too,
She said it was similar techniques,
I can't remember the name of tv series but I rember it
I think you need to just tell him you are just going out , and just do that ,
You obviously deserve to have a break,
Is there a cafe /resturant you could take a mag or a book and have a bite to eat,?
Give them a ring to see anywhere nice you could have a meal or just turn up there,
If cafes /restaurants booked up, ?
if weather OK whever you are,
could you buy a picnic food and just eat in a nice park somewhere or go by the seaside have a picnic
Read a book or magazines
BellePeppa · 19/03/2023 13:08
LaSevillana · 19/03/2023 12:47
It's truly baffling how many married women still feel smug and look down on single women, because from where I'm sitting, it looks like the vast majority of marriages are like this. Mean, lazy husbands letting their wives take on the majority of the housework and everything else, not even bothering with the smallest gestures like flowers or breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. And on top of that, yours negs and criticises your body.
Honestly, why do you bother? Is this your idea of normal? Being emotionally neglected (if not downright abused)? Living with a man who won't get something out of a car for his child? Is this what a good life looks like?
And why I’m so much happier single (even though it meant becoming a single mother and in the beginning having to sleep on my mother’s sofa as we had nowhere else to go). But years later I am the author of my own life now, no one else gets to dictate whether I have a happy day or not, today and all the other 364 days of the year. Vivre le single life 👍
ShirleyPhallus · 19/03/2023 13:10
He sounds like a thoughtless prick, I’m sorry
i also think you need to be a bit less of a doormat though. Tell him these things bother you. When he’s eating his breakfast and you’re dealing with the children, say “can you deal with them so I can eat?”. Tell him that they only have one item left so say “because it’s Mother’s Day I’ll have that one, do you want the eggs or the pancakes instead?” Etc etc. He won’t just change unfortunately
OuiLaLa · 19/03/2023 13:11
@MobyJeff nails it I think. But add in live in nanny, chef etc
I have had really bad ‘special’ days with my husband. I don’t make much effort for his stuff now. He is free to leave if he wants a double standard in his favour.
Op, do you need to be on at him pointing this out a bit more? I wouldn’t let that stuff slide or bite my tongue. If it ends in a big row then maybe that is a good thing? Don’t die by a thousand papercuts!
LuluLehman · 19/03/2023 13:11
LaSevillana · 19/03/2023 12:47
It's truly baffling how many married women still feel smug and look down on single women, because from where I'm sitting, it looks like the vast majority of marriages are like this. Mean, lazy husbands letting their wives take on the majority of the housework and everything else, not even bothering with the smallest gestures like flowers or breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. And on top of that, yours negs and criticises your body.
Honestly, why do you bother? Is this your idea of normal? Being emotionally neglected (if not downright abused)? Living with a man who won't get something out of a car for his child? Is this what a good life looks like?
I have the same thoughts. I often feel sidelined by couples but observing this sort of behaviour makes me cherish the blissful state of singledom.
When I was first properly single I wondered why more people didn't talk about how great it is instead of the Bridget Jonesian whining about wanting to be a "smug married". But of course it makes sense. They don't want women to even think about what a fantastic time they could have by staying single because they'd have no-one to treat them like Gods.
billy1966 · 19/03/2023 13:11
You poor thing.
Unfortunately your relationship bar is really on the floor.
Lazy, selfish, unkind and downright unpleasant are the words to describe him.
You use "intelligent and decent"?
There is nothing decent about him.
Help yourself and sort out your contraception.
You have had two children to many with this waster.
This can be your life when you chose a waster unfortunately.
His "why is that my responsibility" regarding your son's toy speaks to the core of him, a total loser.
I hope you are returning to work, because losers are notoriously unreliable and not loyal.
You need to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you protect yourself and developassertiveness and standards.
Dry your tears and start protecting yourself against a selfish waster who really isn't worth a single of your tears.
latetothefisting · 19/03/2023 13:11
I don't get the women who post on here every year about the complete lack of effort for their birthdays/mothers day/Christmas yet still go above and beyond for their partners birthdays/fathers day etc.
Same for DC once they get to adult age.
Either marking special occasions is important to them or its not! If they cba to make an effort to appreciate you then fair enough but no need to be a martyr doing everything for them every year.
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