How do some intelligent men not fucking get it??

[Ishefuckingkiddingme]

DH is an intelligent human being. How is it that any intelligent human being has managed to fuck Mother’s Day up to this extent?

A few weeks ago, he asked me what I want to do for Mother’s Day. I said I’d like a day to relax, maybe lunch or afternoon tea with my DM or something like that. He said everything would be booked up and overpriced on mothers day so that was a clear no.

This morning at 6.30, DS wanted a toy that was left in the car and I asked DH to get it, he responded with “why is that my responsibility?”. No card, no cup of tea, no breakfast in bed - nothing. Every Sunday we do a dog walk and go to a cafe. Cafe opens at 8 but is heaving by 9 so DH is then hurrying me along to be out of the house early. In the cafe, DH goes to save a table and I go to order wrangling DS. DH and I order the same thing but they only have one left so I order something else for one of us - I tell him that and he makes no offer for me to have the thing we both originally wanted. He then tucks in and I manage DS and DD - by the time he’s finished, I’ve barely touched mine so he had over half of my food too. DS then sees something outside and runs over to the window, I go to retrieve him and when I get back, DH tells me that he’s had to get up to deal with DD “because she was so sad” and I wasn’t dealing with it (because I was on the other side of the room with DS!!). He’s purchased a book off Amazon that you’re supposed to gap fill with phrases like “I love my mummy because ” but he hasn’t filled it out. No card, no flowers, no dinner cooked, nothing. …and he’s just told me he thinks I should go to the gym. How hard is it for an intelligent, decent person to buy a bunch of flowers, fill out a card, make a cup of tea and not criticise me for one bloody day of the year?!

Happy Fucking Mother’s Day everyone!

Aim for top 1%! 😉

Knob!

I'm pretty sure she said he's a school teacher.

Taken for granted much??

Book yourself a spa day next weekend, and don’t tell him until you’re about to leave. Let him deal with the kids for the day. If he complains you can tell him it’s a belated Mothers Day gift to yourself because he did absolutely fuck all.

He's boring and gormless. Quite a few women on MN saying Mother's Day was unhappy due to their H. But honestly, you all must know what they're like. I'd have decided what I wanted to do with my day then gone and done it. Even if I had to take the kids with me. Man-free zone if they're apt to spoil things

He sounds like a twat OP. But why do you put up with it? Why did you let him have the food that you wanted in the cafe? Why didn’t you say “I’m afraid there was only one, but it’s Mother’s Day so I’m going to have it”?

And why are you the one having to look after both kids in the cafe and order the food while he has a nice sit down? Why are you the one who had to run after the 3 year old?

You need to stop being such a doormat and he needs to stop being such a lazy bastard.

Thanks to all (well, most) for the support.

To answer a few points, he teaches maths but no SLT. Not sure if that counts as manly or not.

When I said “intelligent”, I meant “smart enough to realise that Mother’s Day is nice for both of us if he puts a tad of effort in”. I did not mean “££££” FFS. I earn a lot more than he does - he’s a bloody teacher, I’m not with him for a “naice middle class lifestyle”. Genuinely, take a look at yourself and ask how you ended up so misogynistic.

He’s 27, not a miserable middle aged man.

When he asked why it was his responsibility, I did respond with “because he’s your kid too and it’s bloody Mother’s Day” which is when I got hit with “oh, yeah, happy Mother’s Day”. The rest of it was just trying to pick my battles and not make a mountain out of a molehill until it just snowballed. I absolutely did tell him that I wasn’t ok with his lack of effort and I got sad puppy-dog eyes and him being so upset with himself that he’d messed up. And I didn’t fall for that either and told him he’s not the victim here. He said he was winging it and that he thought he’d be able to wing it better than he did - I said that people who are winging it can still offer a cup of tea or just be generally nice! He then promised to do dinner but got a stomach and didn’t. So not off the hook at all.

I do have a gym membership - he bought it for me for Christmas. He said he thought I should go because my resilience is clearly low because I’m so upset over this and exercise increases resilience.

Anyway…

He said he thought I should go because my resilience is clearly low because I’m so upset over this and exercise increases resilience.

Is this the modern day equivalent of telling women to take tranquillisers because the only reason they might be unhappy in their relationships is because they're insane and in need of medication?

Sort out your contraception and stop having children with such a selfish loser.

What a waster.🙄

Yes. They make a particular beeline for threads on which women are sharing their experiences of sexual abuse or VAWG. On 'relationships', when a woman was just opening her eyes to the fact that she's in an abusive relationship, and being helped and supported by other women.

Another variety are the period and 'how often do you wash your fanjo' fetishists. But the real influx came - predictably - via 'Feminism and Women's Rights'.

The manosphere must be imploding with all that pent-up indignation.

I do understand when all you wanted to do was have a nice day but honestly I think you might need to redefine picking your battles here. There is absolutely no way any decent man would behave in this way. My partner has his faults but genuinely he would offer me or the kids the last bite of his meal any day, not just Mother’s Day, if he even suspected we would prefer it.

The post event melancholy is just an act to try to avoid having to face the fact that he’s behaved poorly.

I think you need to nip things in the bud clearly, politely but as they happen for it to have any impact at all, even if it does mean souring a few days out in the short term. So if he behaves selfishly in any way just pick it up- “sorry but I am knackered and I need a quick break, can you take the kids in the queue whilst I have a quick sit down” or “your turn to go after DS now I think please.” Yes it’s completely soul destroying to have to behave like a teacher when he should just do it but he’ll either get it and it will start to be something he does on his own or he won’t. If he doesn’t then I seriously think you need to think about moving on, for all your sakes.

As for the comment about the gym I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but honestly that sounds like the words of a delusional narcissist, if he keeps going on about your resilience rather than his own laziness I don’t think I could put up with it.

But the real influx came - predictably - via 'Feminism and Women's Rights'.

Oh. I should have known.

I still wonder what forum they're from, though. It's clearly orchestrated.

I think so. Also, heaven forfend that a woman who has given birth does not have a flat stomach and pert boobs.

Anyway, OP, whatever happens, do not preface any requests to him with the term "sorry". You are not sorry that he has to take some responsibility in the family. Too many women are self apologists in the face of unreasonable behaviour.

I do have a gym membership - he bought it for me for Christmas. He said he thought I should go because my resilience is clearly low because I’m so upset over this and exercise increases resilience.

WTF? He really is a piece of work. You need to nip his behaviour, like taking all the best food, taking the food off your plate, expecting you to do all the childcare, all the while benefiting from your higher salary, in the bud and if he doesn't change his entitlement and gaslighting behaviour then you seriously should think about leaving him. He sounds an absolute shit.

Oh, and if he's a teacher, is he doing all the child care and domestic responsibilities during school holidays?

Plus, he was on strike last week for 2 days, so had plenty of time to sort things out.

Christ. Your life op. Your choice I guess. What a shame.

He said he thought I should go because my resilience is clearly low because I’m so upset over this and exercise increases resilience.

Is he really going to let Op find time to go I wonder?

He's 27. Holy fuck. Don't choose this misery for yourself for the next 50 years or more. He has shown you already that he is an awful man.

OP…. I had a similar thread but after a completely thoughtless morning where DH got me nothing (despite DD asking him to get me a present on he behalf) I checked my DC’s we’re ok then told my DH I was going out.

I didn’t talk to him when I got back, I couldn’t really I would have cried in front of the kids. We’ve sorted it out this morning.

And I got absolutely slated for my “overreaction” etc.

On mumsnet I think you’re damned if your do and damned if you don’t unfortunately!

Only the mother of his child/children.

I haven't got kids but even I got a bunch of flowers (because I am close to and help out with other people's children)

She's already given you her advice.

Sorry, but don’t get it - you are not your husband’s mother.