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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel about family members eloping?

262 replies

Elopenope · 19/03/2023 11:29

Me and DP are considering marrying quietly, just us two.

Initially when we started speaking about it, it was clear our parents thought we would invite them still (I think had just assumed it was a destination wedding?)

We are now beginning to firm up plans and it seems like our gently introducing the idea isn't going well.

On top of that a minor celeb (ish) eloped recently and I saw a lot of comments about how people would be devastated if their sister etc did that, how they clearly aren't close with the families and how hurtful it is.

In all honesty would you be hurt if your ds, dd etc did this? If your dc didn't get to be bridesmaids etc.

We get on well with our families, I'm just by nature an introverted person with not much interest in a party. I'd hate for them to think it was anything to do with them

Im also neurodiverse so can struggle with this stuff. In my head it's quite clearly a thing between a couple, but realise that's not how it works.

I've got no idea if I should then invite them to dress fittings etc or just do the whole thing alone. Which is worse? Is it better to be really clear that on September 12th we will be marrying (and leave them feeling odd that day) or just say after

I'm mostly interested in families points of views. Lots of friends that have eloped have told us it was fine, but when speaking to others they've been hurt

Yabu- I would be hurt if my family did this

Yanbu- I wouldn't mind if my sister eloped

OP posts:
rainyalan · 19/03/2023 11:31

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. You do what makes you and your partner happy OP. Good luck with your plans ☺️

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 19/03/2023 11:31

They might be relieved, to be spared the melo drama.

WeAreAllLionesses · 19/03/2023 11:33

We did it. Still married 25 years on.

Family were fine (those that were less so at the time have got over it!).

WHAM01 · 19/03/2023 11:33

Hmm. DP and I got a civil partnership last year. The only people who came were our baby son and two witnesses. My family didn't mind - I think - at least no one expressed any disappointment. They respected that it was our day and our choice.

Ireallydohope · 19/03/2023 11:34

Relieved

PuttingDownRoots · 19/03/2023 11:34

I'd be a bit upset if either of my DDs didn't want me to celebrate them being happy. But ultimately... I want them to be happy.

blueyandbingobaby · 19/03/2023 11:34

My dd is only young but I know I would be devastated if she did this. My mum would have been devastated if either me or my sister did. And I would be the same if my sister had.

I get all the 'it's about you stuff' cos really it is. But that doesn't mean people won't feel a certain way about it.

ShapesAndNumbers · 19/03/2023 11:34

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Greensleevevssnotnose · 19/03/2023 11:36

I would be exstatic weddings are so boring

Holly60 · 19/03/2023 11:37

Yes I'd be gutted 😞

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 19/03/2023 11:38

I wouldn't care at all.

I do dislike the modern use of the term 'elope' to mean a destination wedding without friends and family. I might pick you up on it if you used that word when telling me.

Sceptre86 · 19/03/2023 11:38

Yes I would be upset but I'm from an asian background and it's not just about two people marrying but two families coming together for us. I had a small wedding by South Asian standards but all our family were there. I drew the line at having family friends I didn't know there.

You do you. There isn't really a right or wrong.

FrostyFifi · 19/03/2023 11:38

We were going to. Just the two of us abroad. I'm also ND and felt very stressed at the thought of a big fuss or being the centre of attention.

DH mother and sister were NOT happy and his mum was apparently talking about buying flights and turning up!

My family are abroad though and couldn't have afforded to attend so that also seemed fairest to me. My family were fine with it.

Wound up getting married in a registry office instead due to ill health changing plans so his parents got to be witnesses after all, so they were happy at least. I didn't love it but it got it done.

Acheyknees · 19/03/2023 11:38

Relieved, but I hate weddings.

Holly60 · 19/03/2023 11:38

I wouldn't care what kind of marriage ceremony they had or if they didn't want me in any particular part of it, but I would be devastated to not be a part of any of it in any way.

Softsoftsleep · 19/03/2023 11:39

I really wanted to elope but I knew it would break my parents' hearts. I'm their only daughter and it was important to them to be there on my wedding day. I wouldn't like my children to elope but would get over it if they did. My personal opinion is that while we can do things to only please ourselves, it doesn't always mean we should. I wouldn't have enjoyed my wedding day knowing my parents would have liked to have been there but weren't invited.

DismantledKing · 19/03/2023 11:39

It’s your wedding, you play it exactly how you want. It’s your day.

WarningToTheCurious · 19/03/2023 11:40

We got married quietly in the US - neither family wanted to go all that way - and DSis just invited our parents and his parents to a posh lunch and surprised them with a registry office wedding. PILs also got married abroad with just their best friends present.

We’ve already told our DCs to do get married however they want - they could save themselves a small fortune.

DismantledKing · 19/03/2023 11:40

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No it isn’t. That’s a very manipulative approach.

WHAM01 · 19/03/2023 11:41

I don't agree that it's selfish. Or at least, you could argue that it's as selfish for people to have an expectation that you will do something you don't want to do, that you will feel less comfortable, and that you will spend a load of money on something that you don't want and won't enjoy.

Holly60 · 19/03/2023 11:41

FrostyFifi · 19/03/2023 11:38

We were going to. Just the two of us abroad. I'm also ND and felt very stressed at the thought of a big fuss or being the centre of attention.

DH mother and sister were NOT happy and his mum was apparently talking about buying flights and turning up!

My family are abroad though and couldn't have afforded to attend so that also seemed fairest to me. My family were fine with it.

Wound up getting married in a registry office instead due to ill health changing plans so his parents got to be witnesses after all, so they were happy at least. I didn't love it but it got it done.

There seems to be a big difference between making a 'big fuss' and 'being the centre of attention' and allowing parents to be at a low key civil service.

This is what I don't really understand. If you have a good relationship with your parents why would you not let them be a part of it if they would like? You don't have a massive wedding - it's not either a huge wedding or an elopement 🤷‍♀️.

Candleabra · 19/03/2023 11:42

Honestly, if it was a very close family member I’d be disappointed to miss the wedding but i wouldn’t show it. I’d be very happy for them. I understand weddings can be stressful so if it’s what you want it makes a lot of sense.

mygoodies · 19/03/2023 11:42

it isn't selfish, it's supposed to be the best/most appropriate day for you and your spouse, so go ahead and enjoy 😊

Magnalux · 19/03/2023 11:42

I’d be very upset if I thought my children didn’t want me at their wedding… however I wouldn’t make a big fuss about it it’s all about what they want at the end of the day. I would feel very sad though

LauraIAm · 19/03/2023 11:42

One of my siblings did this. Good relationship with my parents, no big backstory. We were all outwardly supportive but my mum was heartbroken. Dress fittings, bridesmaids etc don’t matter at all. Not inviting siblings is mean but personally I could live with it. Not inviting parents assuming normal circumstances I think is pretty much unforgivable. It’s one of the most important days of your life and a day most parents think about during their child’s childhood etc and would desperately want to be a part of.