How would you feel about family members eloping?

I think if you are doing dress fittings and talking about a wedding then you are doing a wedding and they ought to be invited if you are including them on planning talks. Otherwise of course they will feel pushed out. I think you're now too far down the rabbit hole to not invite them without them feeling shunned.

I eloped 5 years ago and still haven't told my family. Not because they wouldnt approve but because I wasnt having a "wedding", I was signing a legal document with 2 witnesses. I wouldnt invite my parents to watch me sign a pension document so made no sense to have them attend my legal marriage. But I certainly wouldnt have told them what we were planning and what I wanted to wear or where I was going to have it and then not invite them!

Definitely don’t think it’s about being mother of the bride, big party etc just to be there on the day that’s marking the start of their married life and commitment together and be happy together making very precious memories.

If anyone had said my wedding was about them making ‘very precious memories’ I’d have wanted to elope on the spot, shortly after feeling very nauseous…

It’s exactly this kind of overly emotive taking over of someone else’s decision to just get married that makes some people want to elope.

Exactly, @Changingplace and @CheersForThatEh. People don’t get to emote all over something that just isn’t a big deal for the people actually involved, and translate their failure to invest their own wedding with Big Significance into some kind of deficiency and insult to family members who cling to the idea that this SHOULD be terribly important therefore they should be invited.

Same. My parents didn’t have a big white wedding and think they’re a tacky waste of money the same as I do. Even if they were into that, I’m not, and that’s what matters. I think my parents would actually think I’d lost my mind if I started planning a wedding like that

What an incredibly mean and bitchy thing to say to someone who is voicing their upset.
My kids aren't married yet, but after funerals of young and old I cannot wait for a symbolic, happy event. Registry office/ pub meal or whatever they want. But yes, I want to be there. I also want to love and know my grandchildren.

You are allowed to love and be part of your children's lives FFS.

You think they are a "tacky waste of money", as they do, not the other way around. Clearly learnt behaviour and, frankly, rude to state it too.

Although I loved my wedding, it was so stressful to plan it so I'd think my family members eloping was smart!

I also don't know anyone who has eloped that has regretted it

I would be delighted for you!
Congratulations,

The most important part of a wedding is the vows and you only need the bride and groom to make them. Have a great day and enjoy yourselves. My son got married when on holiday, it wasn’t planned, it just felt like the right thing for them. I was over the moon for them both, we all celebrated when they got home.

I could never have done it without my and dh parents atleast

I agree with this.

If you have a normal, loving family relationship with parents / siblings, I think it is very strange to not recognise that this is an important life event, and that to exclude them is hurtful.

If you were my close family, I'd respect your decision but would be hurt you didn't feel close enough to want me at your special day
MN is full of people who don't like to socialise, which will skew answers

I think this is spot on, too.

There are SO many options between eloping and "having a big fuss".
I mean, what you are proposing isn't eloping. It is arranging a wedding, telling everyone about it and adding on "but you can't come". That seems the most hurtful option of them all. If the 2 of you slipped away and then told people after it was done, (as eloping tends to be done) it wouldn't be quite as bad. I can understand that when people who have already been living together / have dc together get married years down the line.

Of course it is up to the B&G to do what they want to do. I am expecting 'unorthodox' from at least one of my dc. But you specifically asked us to be honest about how we would feel. Personally, I would be sad, and disappointed, and it would make me question the whole relationship.

But it’s not a ‘special day’ for many of us who chose not to invite family. This has been said multiple times on the thread but seems not to be being heard. Obviously those not invited may feel disappointed, as posters are saying, but they need to recognise that this is because they are projecting their own feelings about weddings and specialness and family and exclusion onto someone else’s wedding. (And that their desire to make a ceremony into a huge emotional deal may well have contributed to the decision not to invite them if the couple see it as a purely practical issue.)

I do agree though that ‘telling people we are going to elope’ is a contradiction in terms.

The issue is you’re making this all about your feelings and wants and your own sense of importance.

When grown adults decide to get married it’s about them and when families start saying what their wedding should or shouldn’t be that’s exactly the kind of reason people decide to elope.

The fact you’re openly saying you’d then exclude their partner on that basis says a lot, why are you assuming it would be purely their partners decision, why the assumption someone needs to be blamed and found at fault?

One of the things I wanted to avoid was this social pressure to create your wedding day as 'the happiest day in your life' where everything had to be perfect and everyone had to be there.

Because I'd have found that too much and got upset if things didn't go to plan or weren't quite right or certain people couldn't come etc etc.

For me it was never about making it the happiest day of my life. It was a special day for me and DH but not necessarily THE day. It was a commitment to make many happy memories together not just one princess day.

I genuinely don't think my parents were upset at not coming because they understood that. My parents didn't have the wedding they wanted; they tried to please everyone else. My mum's parents were divorced and both her parents put on something of a show by all accounts and really upset her. And they certainly they understood that we didn't want to spend £20,000 - 30,000 on a wedding like BIL did. We just don't have the money and understand why we feel it's a gross overindulgence to do so.

My mil was already putting pressure on about the dress and that got too much for me. I just didn't want to spend hundred on a dress I'd wear once. I thought it wasteful and I had huge amounts of trouble finding anything to fit me as it was (I'm tiny). The thought of seeing loads of lovely dresses but none of them being remotely suitable for my size and shape upset me.

A quiet day was right for me without the need to make the single day the most wonderful.

I have many happy and special memories. I don't think building up one day to do that would create that for me. I'd just remember the stress and pressure of it. Which misses the point entirely doesn't it?

My family live all over the world. They've never been that close. Its not something that's important to us. Out of all my family, none have had a big traditional do in my lifetime. We just value things differently.

And that's ok.

The number of posters who can't comprehend that on this thread is quite staggering tbh.

I'd be really upset and disappointed quite honestly and take it as a reflection on our relationship. I can't imagine getting married without my siblings and parents there.

I would be ok if my kids did this. I'd be hurt if others were invited and I wasn't but if no one was invited I'd be ok. It's your day, do what feels right for you. I'd want to celebrate with my kids though and want to throw them a party or dinner or something.

I'd be really upset and disappointed quite honestly and take it as a reflection on our relationship.

This or similar is reflected in many posts. It is exactly this that make people choose to elope. Pressure from family for what they want and how they feel, without even mentioning the couple or any appreciation why they might want to do something different or what they choose for their day.

Honestly- I would be so incredibly upset. I am from a culture where weddings etc are big family events so I don't know if that makes a difference. I also only have one child.
My parents and in- laws would've been devastated if they had not been invited to our wedding.

Although I understand why people do it, I'd be devastated if any members (and a select few cousins who are really close) of my immediate family eloped. Might sound dramatic to some, but I'd be really upset.

But it’s not a ‘special day’ for many of us who chose not to invite family. This has been said multiple times on the thread but seems not to be being heard. Obviously those not invited may feel disappointed, as posters are saying, but they need to recognise that this is because they are projecting their own feelings about weddings and specialness and family and exclusion onto someone else’s wedding. (And that their desire to make a ceremony into a huge emotional deal may well have contributed to the decision not to invite them if the couple see it as a purely practical issue.)

But the OP is talking about possibly inviting family to "dress fittings" and the like, so clearly it is for her, and in her family.
I understand for some people it is a "bit of paper" as is often said on here - in which case, elope properly and don't tell anyone or make it into "an event" - but that isn't the case for the OP from what she says.

@RedToothBrush - but everything you are describing in your post, that you didn't want, is about spending ridiculous amounts.
You can have a very low key wedding and still share it with people you love.

This isn't about "not comprehending" that people don't want 'a big fuss' or that people don't want to spend thousands on one day. I certainly understand that, and I suspect most people do, but there are 101 ways to get married without a big fuss, without spending thousands, but also without upsetting people who are very close to you.
I've been to all sorts of different weddings, and one of the nicest ones there were only 11 of us there.

Also, the thread isn't asking "Do you understand why some people might elope?"
The OP specifically asked "How would you feel about family members eloping?"
So I have to presume that is what she wants to know.

I wasn’t responding to the OP’s specific situation, but to the posters saying they would be devastated if excluded from a ‘special day’ — I’m saying that only the people getting married get to decide whether it’s a big deal or something akin to signing a document. @RedToothBrush is absolutely right to suggest that the pressure to regard a wedding as some emotional big deal, regardless of finances or numbers, is a key element in the decision to not invite people.

Surely it’s not that hard to understand that if you regard your wedding as something you want done with minimum fuss and emotion, having people around who are insisting on it being some kind of huge emotional day and choking back tears because they always wanted to walk you down the aisle in a white dress and throw confetti and have a wedding album when what is actually happening is a quick register office thing followed by lunch with everyone casually dressed, would be a strain?

This thread amply demonstrates how pervasive that kind of emotional projection is.

Again, why are you assuming that 'wanting to be invited to be present at' equals "insisting on it being some kind of huge emotional day and choking back tears because they always wanted to walk you down the aisle in a white dress and throw confetti and have a wedding album" ?