AIBU?
How would you feel about family members eloping?
Elopenope · 19/03/2023 11:29
Me and DP are considering marrying quietly, just us two.
Initially when we started speaking about it, it was clear our parents thought we would invite them still (I think had just assumed it was a destination wedding?)
We are now beginning to firm up plans and it seems like our gently introducing the idea isn't going well.
On top of that a minor celeb (ish) eloped recently and I saw a lot of comments about how people would be devastated if their sister etc did that, how they clearly aren't close with the families and how hurtful it is.
In all honesty would you be hurt if your ds, dd etc did this? If your dc didn't get to be bridesmaids etc.
We get on well with our families, I'm just by nature an introverted person with not much interest in a party. I'd hate for them to think it was anything to do with them
Im also neurodiverse so can struggle with this stuff. In my head it's quite clearly a thing between a couple, but realise that's not how it works.
I've got no idea if I should then invite them to dress fittings etc or just do the whole thing alone. Which is worse? Is it better to be really clear that on September 12th we will be marrying (and leave them feeling odd that day) or just say after
I'm mostly interested in families points of views. Lots of friends that have eloped have told us it was fine, but when speaking to others they've been hurt
Yabu- I would be hurt if my family did this
Yanbu- I wouldn't mind if my sister eloped
Am I being unreasonable?
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LauraIAm · 20/03/2023 10:44
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 19/03/2023 16:43
But it's not "one of the most important days of your life" to lots of people.
I wanted a marriage not a wedding. The day itself was a formality I did to get married.
LauraIAm · 19/03/2023 11:42
One of my siblings did this. Good relationship with my parents, no big backstory. We were all outwardly supportive but my mum was heartbroken. Dress fittings, bridesmaids etc don’t matter at all. Not inviting siblings is mean but personally I could live with it. Not inviting parents assuming normal circumstances I think is pretty much unforgivable. It’s one of the most important days of your life and a day most parents think about during their child’s childhood etc and would desperately want to be a part of.
@FatAgainItsLettuceTime Of course you are entitled to your opinion on whether the day is important or not. The OP asked for the views of families who had experienced this, and I’m giving mine. Actually the general trend on the thread seems to be along these lines ie people who have eloped don’t think it’s a big deal, families do. That doesn’t mean the OP shouldn’t elope, but she wanted intel on how families generally feel about elopements, and she now has that.
RedToothBrush · 20/03/2023 12:53
UsingChangeofName · 20/03/2023 08:45
@RedToothBrush - but everything you are describing in your post, that you didn't want, is about spending ridiculous amounts.
You can have a very low key wedding and still share it with people you love.
This isn't about "not comprehending" that people don't want 'a big fuss' or that people don't want to spend thousands on one day. I certainly understand that, and I suspect most people do, but there are 101 ways to get married without a big fuss, without spending thousands, but also without upsetting people who are very close to you.
I've been to all sorts of different weddings, and one of the nicest ones there were only 11 of us there.
Are you illiterate?
Or did you just read the bits about money and conveniently ignore the bits about stress and mental health?
LadyGrinningSoul85 · 20/03/2023 12:59
I plan on doing exactly this, after our baby is born, later on this year.
I don't see the point in big weddings, it's not all about having a big party, and personally I see it as a massively narcissistic waste of money.
Notice I said 'personally'. I don't need loads of replies from people trying to justify their reasons for spending loads.
Only thing I'll be sad about is our kids not being there, as we are only having 2 witnesses at the actual event, but they will be coming for a little meal with us afterwards.
It's all we need.
LadyGrinningSoul85 · 20/03/2023 13:01
LadyGrinningSoul85 · 20/03/2023 12:59
I plan on doing exactly this, after our baby is born, later on this year.
I don't see the point in big weddings, it's not all about having a big party, and personally I see it as a massively narcissistic waste of money.
Notice I said 'personally'. I don't need loads of replies from people trying to justify their reasons for spending loads.
Only thing I'll be sad about is our kids not being there, as we are only having 2 witnesses at the actual event, but they will be coming for a little meal with us afterwards.
It's all we need.
To add, I couldn't care less if it offends either of our families.
Neither side are particularly nice people.
They're massively self absorbed and maybe learning the world doesn't revolve around them will do them good.
FinallyHere · 20/03/2023 14:12
I'm torn on this one.
In theory, I'm all for the 'just us' and eloping approach but then when DSS actually did this, I felt (and did not tell a soul) a song that they didn't want to share that moment with anyone.
When we were getting married, I definitely wanted a low key event, with the emphasis on everyone who had travelled from near and far to be with us.
My test of who to invite was 'if I would be happy to never see them again, then don't invite them', which clarified that the elopement felt a bit 'don't care if never see me again'.
Ahhhhhbisto · 20/03/2023 14:41
legalseagull · 19/03/2023 19:56
I think it's selfish. If your parents are there for you through the bad times, they should also be able to witness and celebrate the good. I can't imagine not wanting my mum, sibling and children at my wedding. It doesn't need to be a big wedding. Even just a registry office with my mum and sibling would be lovely.
That's all very well but with step parents and siblings that would have been 17 people in mine and DH's family. Then you have the asking siblings partners, then nieces and nephews and it's no longer small!
Survey99 · 20/03/2023 19:08
sunflowerdaisyrose · 20/03/2023 14:30
@Survey99 I said how I'd feel as that was the specific question asked!
That was my point. Would you really feel nothing about your how your sibling was feeling - understanding, respect, concern over finances, not wanting a do. You would only solely consider your own feelings without taking in any other context at all?
It is not something where you wouldn't encompass the feelings of the main people involved into your own feelings unless you can only operate entirely one dimensionally.
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