AIBU?
How would you feel about family members eloping?
Elopenope · 19/03/2023 11:29
Me and DP are considering marrying quietly, just us two.
Initially when we started speaking about it, it was clear our parents thought we would invite them still (I think had just assumed it was a destination wedding?)
We are now beginning to firm up plans and it seems like our gently introducing the idea isn't going well.
On top of that a minor celeb (ish) eloped recently and I saw a lot of comments about how people would be devastated if their sister etc did that, how they clearly aren't close with the families and how hurtful it is.
In all honesty would you be hurt if your ds, dd etc did this? If your dc didn't get to be bridesmaids etc.
We get on well with our families, I'm just by nature an introverted person with not much interest in a party. I'd hate for them to think it was anything to do with them
Im also neurodiverse so can struggle with this stuff. In my head it's quite clearly a thing between a couple, but realise that's not how it works.
I've got no idea if I should then invite them to dress fittings etc or just do the whole thing alone. Which is worse? Is it better to be really clear that on September 12th we will be marrying (and leave them feeling odd that day) or just say after
I'm mostly interested in families points of views. Lots of friends that have eloped have told us it was fine, but when speaking to others they've been hurt
Yabu- I would be hurt if my family did this
Yanbu- I wouldn't mind if my sister eloped
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
cartagenagina · 19/03/2023 12:30
You aren’t eloping though are you?
You’re getting married and not inviting anyone.
I have always encouraged my DC to elope I.E get married secretly and just come back and tell everyone “guess what we did whilst we were away!” I think weddings are a dreadful waste of money for most people, and cause lots of stress.
Stop talking about it, just do it.
Blanketpolicy · 19/03/2023 12:32
Elopenope · 19/03/2023 12:12
I assumed it was more hurtful to do it as a suprise! Interesting that people feel differently
If someone is going to be upset about it then much better telling them after the fact instead of stretching it out and them trying to change your mind and thinking you are going ahead regardless of their feelings they have shared with you.
Stop all talk about it and just go and do it and tell them after.
InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 19/03/2023 12:34
If it’s going to hurt peoples feelings, then just get married and don’t tell them.
I have no idea why anyone would have a problem with it but apparently they do.
If my DC got married without telling me I’d only be upset that I hadn’t got to sit them down and make sure they were sure and to go through the long term costs, implications and potential pitfalls of marriage specifically with that person at that time. But we do discuss the general pros and cons of a marriage contract fairly regularly so I’d hope they were well equipped to make sure a marriage was genuinely in their best interests before committing to one.
DelphiniumBlue · 19/03/2023 12:37
I'd be really hurt if my sons or siblings didn't invite me to their wedding. Weddings are a family thing, it's bringing a new person into the family. To exclude the 'old' family makes it very clear that they are no longer important. I can't imagine how anyone who is close to their family would do such an unkind thing.
I understand the wish for a small, low key wedding, even no party, but to not invite them to the marriage ceremony shows no concern for their feelings. You couldn't do that and then expect the new bride/groom to be welcomed whole heartedly into the family, with the best will in the world it would create a distance.
LookingOldTheseDays · 19/03/2023 12:37
PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 19/03/2023 11:38
I wouldn't care at all.
I do dislike the modern use of the term 'elope' to mean a destination wedding without friends and family. I might pick you up on it if you used that word when telling me.
I agree re: the use of the word elopement for something that isn't.
From the sounds of it you have discussed it with family, so it isn't an elopement by definition. An elopement is where you get married on the quiet and don't tell anyone until afterwards.
SparkyBlue · 19/03/2023 12:41
An elopement to me is the couple telling absolutely no one end coming home with the big surprise. Telling people and making plans for months beforehand isn't an elopement imo. Just go off and do it and don't give them any hint of what's happening. That way there is a sense of romance about it
TollgateDebs · 19/03/2023 12:43
We went on holiday and got married, no witnesses and $50 later job done. Reasons, we were in our 40s, having been together a while, my Mum had died some years before, big families of cousins but only a couple of siblings and difficult relationship with one of them, had a mortgage (money was tight) and we really don't like big productions or the fuss that goes with it. The day was about our commitment to one another and so we did it the way that gave us joy. We did tell the parents and they knew us well enough to know this is the way that would make us happiest.
begoneday · 19/03/2023 12:46
DelphiniumBlue · 19/03/2023 12:37
I'd be really hurt if my sons or siblings didn't invite me to their wedding. Weddings are a family thing, it's bringing a new person into the family. To exclude the 'old' family makes it very clear that they are no longer important. I can't imagine how anyone who is close to their family would do such an unkind thing.
I understand the wish for a small, low key wedding, even no party, but to not invite them to the marriage ceremony shows no concern for their feelings. You couldn't do that and then expect the new bride/groom to be welcomed whole heartedly into the family, with the best will in the world it would create a distance.
It only creates a distance if older family members have a weird sense of ownership over their children, it’s a bit creepy if I’m honest . Let your DC go and live their lives and you live yours .
FleetIlya · 19/03/2023 12:49
It's what I'm planning to do. My relationship with my partner isn't about other people, it's about my partner and me.
If people feel "upset" it'll be mostly because they didn't get to enjoy a free party at my expense, and they can die mad about it, I guess. If they feel upset because of some souped-up nonsense about "weddings are about family and community blah blah" then they can die mad about that too.
It's not illegal to make other people cross by living your own life. Women are tired of performing for other people these days. Do it anyway.
SallyWD · 19/03/2023 12:51
We got married with only witnesses. I think my parents were delighted! Avoided all that fuss and expense. They did they same too. My in-laws seemed completely fine with it too. Only one friend complained because she thought she'd have been my bridesmaid. She wouldn't have been and it was about us not her. Do what you both want.
noscoobydoodle · 19/03/2023 12:53
We got married with just our DD while we were on holiday. Planned sort of last minute with a couple of months notice. We had a mixed reaction from very supportive to heartbroken. A big wedding is never something I wanted but we did have a party when we got back for family and friends- so I guess a bit of a middle ground.
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