How would you feel about family members eloping?

[Elopenope]

Me and DP are considering marrying quietly, just us two.

Initially when we started speaking about it, it was clear our parents thought we would invite them still (I think had just assumed it was a destination wedding?)

We are now beginning to firm up plans and it seems like our gently introducing the idea isn't going well.

On top of that a minor celeb (ish) eloped recently and I saw a lot of comments about how people would be devastated if their sister etc did that, how they clearly aren't close with the families and how hurtful it is.


In all honesty would you be hurt if your ds, dd etc did this? If your dc didn't get to be bridesmaids etc.

We get on well with our families, I'm just by nature an introverted person with not much interest in a party. I'd hate for them to think it was anything to do with them

Im also neurodiverse so can struggle with this stuff. In my head it's quite clearly a thing between a couple, but realise that's not how it works.

I've got no idea if I should then invite them to dress fittings etc or just do the whole thing alone. Which is worse? Is it better to be really clear that on September 12th we will be marrying (and leave them feeling odd that day) or just say after

I'm mostly interested in families points of views. Lots of friends that have eloped have told us it was fine, but when speaking to others they've been hurt

Yabu- I would be hurt if my family did this

Yanbu- I wouldn't mind if my sister eloped

[WilsonMilson]

Personally, I could not give the slightest fuck, in fact I would actively encourage someone not to go through all the hoopla and ensuing expense and seemingly inescapable drama of a big wedding. It’s the marriage that counts, not the wedding.

[BingoBonus]

I wouldn't mind at all..... but I think it needs to be surprise to everyone.
I don't think it works if you tell people you are thinking about eloping!!!

[280NeuerNamen]

@Magnalux

I’d be very upset if I thought my children didn’t want me at their wedding… however I wouldn’t make a big fuss about it it’s all about what they want at the end of the day. I would feel very sad though

Yes, I agree entirely.

[LookingOldTheseDays]

What's the purpose of telling close relatives that you are "eloping" (i.e. telling them, "we plan to marry but you aren't invited"). Are you still expecting gifts? Are you expecting them to get excited about planning it with you, choosing a dress etc.?

Either just get married on the quiet with no announcement and no fuss (which is what eloping actually means), or invite people to a proper small wedding. This halfway house of announcing an elopement just smacks of attention seeking.

[MyMumIsOnMN]

We got married without telling anyone. Sent a text to my mum the next morning “we got married yesterday”. He only people who knew beforehand were us two, two friends who were witnesses, and the officiant we had booked to perform the ceremony (we are not in the UK). No one died. I’m sure my mum was a little disappointed not to have been there but she accepted that this was our choice.

[HateLongCovid]

It's your wedding 👰🏻, your decision. I can understand their disappointment, but at the end of the day I think family should be happy for you. You can always have a meal out or get together with family on your return to celebrate. A big wedding is not to everyone's taste. My autistic daughter for one has said if she gets married she'll very likely do it in private and I won't get an invite. I told her that's fine, it's her wedding day, her choice! Hope people begin to understand

[TedMullins]

@DelphiniumBlue

I'd be really hurt if my sons or siblings didn't invite me to their wedding. Weddings are a family thing, it's bringing a new person into the family. To exclude the 'old' family makes it very clear that they are no longer important. I can't imagine how anyone who is close to their family would do such an unkind thing.
I understand the wish for a small, low key wedding, even no party, but to not invite them to the marriage ceremony shows no concern for their feelings. You couldn't do that and then expect the new bride/groom to be welcomed whole heartedly into the family, with the best will in the world it would create a distance.

marriage is about the two people getting married, no one else. It’s absolutely nothing to do with their family members what kind of wedding, if any, they have, and to suggest you’d hold a grudge against the new spouse because they had a private wedding does not indicate a healthy dynamic at all. In fact if I had parents who’d kick off and emotionally blackmail me into having a wedding I didn’t want that would be all the more reason to exclude them.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

I wouldn’t care at all. Whatever makes you happy.

Organise a family lunch for when you get home. If they complain after that they are being unreasonable.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

.. having said that, if you are going to marry quietly, I think you have to do that. Better not to tell people in advance that’s what you’re intending and no - for heavens sake don’t involve them in dress fittings, that really would be weird. You either elope/do it on the quiet or you don’t.

[PPop]

YANBU it's your day and no one should dictate where/how you decide to do it.

We eloped last year, we did have a conversation with my parents and DH parents prior as I knew mine wouldn't come but made the offer, his parents did come along with 2 sets of friends. It was perfect family were all invited etc just couldn't make it for either monetary reasons or leave and they weren't offended, nor was I... 😊
We did have ours available as a live stream via the wedding organiser which my family watched.

[Quveas]

My bother eloped and got married in New York with a couple of random passers-by as witnesses. It was bloody great. No expensive clothes I'd never wear again and no need to wait for the inevitable drunken row between whichever members of the family are currently not getting on. A wdding is for you and not everybody else. Elope. Save money for things that are important. ANd you don't need to tell anyone you got married anyway!

[BrendaWearingBaffies]

@IwasToldThereWouldBeCake

They might be relieved, to be spared the melo drama.

This. Relief at not having to fork out on an outfit.

[ditalini]

Honestly? I'd be hurt and dh probably more so, but I'd never dream of showing that I was anything but delighted for them and I'd absolutely accept that it was my dc & partners decision to make.

[ditalini]

I'm completely baffled by this false dichotomy of massive hoopla vs no-one except witnesses off the street though.

I know loads of people who've had a no fuss registry office wedding with just parents/very closest people in attendance and then lunch/quick drink down the pub.

[HoneyPotBee]

There is a good chance that me and DP are going to get married abroad and not tell anyone. We want the security from a legal point of view, but don’t want to either have the hassle of arranging a big wedding or dealing with the grief of not inviting people to a small wedding.

[Roguebludger]

We did this. His family were grumpy mine were fine. Ultimately you're signing a financial contract. I didn't invite family to watch me sign my will or mortgage agreement so why would I spend thousands inviting lots of people to wag h me sign a marriage certificate?

[Emmamoo89]

Wouldn't bother me

[Idolikeanicepieceofcake]

My DH and I did this exact thing. No family members at all, lovely quiet elopement venue with no fuss. We decided that rather than spending the money on a big wedding we would have a decent (but not overly expensive) honeymoon and be able to treat ourselves to a day out/experience/fancy meal once a month for a year without feeling guilty about spending money. If it's what you would be happy with then I say fill your boots and go for it!

[NotMeNoNo]

DH's brother did this. Sent cards afterwards to say "to announce X&Y were married...." He and his wife are both really quiet, non attention seeking people, a big wedding would have been excruciating for them. I think his sister and DM were pretty hurt they weren't told, it's a bit of a blow when someone close does a huge thing without telling you.

So you might want to give some thought to managing the "message" as some ppl will appreciate being told and wish you well, others will barge in given half a chance.

[Raineth]

I would be hurt.

If someone wants a quiet wedding and no party that’s up to them, but legally there have to be witnesses to the marriage, so why can’t those witnesses be family? Isn’t that better than strangers/friends ? And if some family are witnesses, it’s just good manners to invite the rest of close family.

A wedding isn’t actually just about you, it’s about the joining together of two different family trees. Refusing to invite family to a family occasion is rude, hurtful and selfish. You are of course free to live your life in a rude selfish way, but you must be prepared to deal with family reactions to that if you do.

But, you can keep people happy without anything formal or a huge party. You can just eg go stay at a hotel with a wedding license and ask around to see which family members would like to watch the ceremony and join you for dinner afterwards.

[AuntieMarys]

We did it. Didn't have a party either when we came back.
Best thing we ever did.

[Elopenope]

@Raineth

I would be hurt.

If someone wants a quiet wedding and no party that’s up to them, but legally there have to be witnesses to the marriage, so why can’t those witnesses be family? Isn’t that better than strangers/friends ? And if some family are witnesses, it’s just good manners to invite the rest of close family.

A wedding isn’t actually just about you, it’s about the joining together of two different family trees. Refusing to invite family to a family occasion is rude, hurtful and selfish. You are of course free to live your life in a rude selfish way, but you must be prepared to deal with family reactions to that if you do.

But, you can keep people happy without anything formal or a huge party. You can just eg go stay at a hotel with a wedding license and ask around to see which family members would like to watch the ceremony and join you for dinner afterwards.

Genuinely I don't know of any hotel where you can do something like that. Normally weddings = exclusive hire.

The idea of not having people we know as witnesses is because then they sign the paper and go. Realistically I'd need to invite both sets of parents, and would then feel responsible for their day, if they were enjoying it etc.

If we get married in the pouring rain outside, we would laugh it off. My parents less so! I'd then feel that we needed to have dinner all together, then spend the evening with them.

I'm also not sure if it's more upsetting for my dsis if my parents come and she doesn't

[Elopenope]

@Luredbyapomegranate

.. having said that, if you are going to marry quietly, I think you have to do that. Better not to tell people in advance that’s what you’re intending and no - for heavens sake don’t involve them in dress fittings, that really would be weird. You either elope/do it on the quiet or you don’t.

I really thought that it would be less hurtful if we were open about it.
It's helpful to hear that others don't think that.

I just wondered if there was a way to make it less hurtful and thought being honest and finding ways to include them might be that.

[Ichosetheredpill]

It’s hard and will inevitably upset people. I think it partly depends on the relationship you have with your family. I am also ND and fully understand why you’d not want the big party. I’d be really sorry to miss wedding dress choosing with DD and would love to be involved with planning for DD and DS but ultimately as a parent/family you have to accept that your DCs can do what they want. I remember a friend’s brother eloping and there was a lot of hurt from the family and DM and MIL in particular.
I think if you do it, you have to do it for yourselves, because you love each other and it’s the right thing for you, be completely committed to it and have an amazing time that will outweigh any moaning from family.
I would happily have eloped but went for the halfway house - had a wedding far enough away that an abusive elderly family member was excluded by default as it was too far for them to travel. There was a bit of a hoohah about it but we stuck to our guns and it was a wonderful, joyful day that we will treasure forever. It would not have been if said family member had attended. We treasure our wedding day because we did it the way we wanted and the memories have lifted us during some difficult times.
Could you have a small dinner with immediate family when you’re back? That depends on how they’d handle it - only worth considering if they’ll celebrate with you and not make you feel bad.

[cptartapp]

More selfish of the family member to expect a loved one not to have the wedding they want.