Feel shit and pissed off with kids grandparents

Furthermore

Babysitters are available!!!!

As someone whose parents were totally involved in my kids' lives, I get your point OP. I would want to be involved and support with any grandchildren that come along. They sound inadequate and won't change tho so just do your own thing and stop making an effort to go see them. Remember this when they are elderly.

I wouldn’t want to leave my kids overnight at a house where my Mum has a serious health condition (so cant be expected to look after them) and my Dad has drink issues. Ask friends/colleagues for babysitter recommendations. Also, why do you need to go there every weekend? I dont think your parents will mind you having other plans on a Saturday. Just go once a month with the kids or pop in for a coffee in the week without the kids if you have time. I dont think any grandparents expect to see the kids every week (unless your living next door to them). We see ours once a month and they except we have other things going on at the weekend (kids parties, days out etc, catching up on jobs etc).

I do agree with OPs central thesis that a close grandparent-grandchild relationship is ideal, but it's sadly not something you can force. Some people just aren't interested.

Assuming you go at the weekend because they both work in the week - if your mum doesn't work, why don't you go in the week, while your dad is out at work and 6 year old is at school. Then there is just baby who doesn't move much and 1 year old, less intense than adding a 6 year old in the mix as well. Don't go as often if they are not interested even though you imply they expect you to go, then it becomes more treat than routine. If you go at the weekend, take only the 6 year old occasionally to make up for missing visits in the week, again makes it less intense. Whilst they are not old, depending on work in the week and caring/illness they are probably tired at the weekend or have lots of things they also need to do for their own household.

This. Your mum’s got MS and your dad’s an alcoholic, what do you expect?

She is saying they are disinterested in the kids and never offer to give her and her husband a break EVER.


But they don’t need to give her and her husband a break.
That isn’t their job and they have their own issues they are trying to deal with.

OP goes there every Saturday and is annoyed they don’t make much effort with the DCs.
I think that’s because if they do show any effort then OP would dump the kids of them every 5 mins.

What parent dumps their kids for a sleepover at a house with someone who is poorly and someone who has a drinking problem.

Of course it would be lovely of them to babysit but it shouldn’t be expected and if OP wants a break then she needs to get a babysitter.

Don't be ringing your kids when you're 85 and need some help then. They might just change their phone number.

Luckily I didn't have kids for them to look after me in my old age! We've made arrangements already thanks.

Remember this when they are elderly.

This attitude really annoys me.

Your parents raise you your entire life but the level of care you give them when they’re elderly is only linked to how much they babysit your kids - that’s ridiculous!

Especially in this situation where the mum is poorly and the dad has alcohol issues.

The level of care you give them should be based on the level of care they gave YOU growing up. Not the kids that you chose to have.

The "drop and run" sleepover thing you did was bang out of order. And you seem surprised they don't want to babysit?
Your mum has MS, and you dad has an issue with alcohol, and presumably neither are spring chickens. Perhaps they (rightly) know that they don't have the energy for looking after 2 (now 3) very young children?

Either way, it's probably time to dial back on the weekly visits. You've said yourself, they don't seem to have much interest in the kids, and the house isn't very child-friendly (and why should it be? No kids live there).

I didn't have kids for them to look after me either. However, it's much nicer all round if your kids are on hand to decipher correspondence, help sort out bills and insurances, hospital stuff, medications etc when you can't do it for yourself.

As long as OPs parents and those like them remember that relationships are a 2 way street in this regard, that's all fine.

Although I must admit, I missed the MS and drink problem bit in your original post OP and it does sound like they are in no position to help anyone at present.

Dial back on the weekly visits...not only for your sake, but theirs.

This x 💯

I don't get the idea of the care when they're elderly thing anyway. As a parent you organise your own childcare AND you plan for your own future care. Why expect anyone else to be involved? As an independent adult, that's just the basics. My parents generation are notoriously slack anyway so I'd not be asking the ones that thought being a latchkey kid was a delightful and safe upbringing - they're not trustworthy!

'needy child'??
What are you talking about?
This woman is struggling with a difficult situation as a parent caring for her own children, she does not owe it to her parents to be a carer for them as well she has her own life to live.

Her father is a bad-tempered and physically abusive pisshead, I highly doubt he has it in him to be a kind grandpa ...you cannot fit a Square peg into a round hole!

It is difficult to accept, as all you see around you is hands on grandparents.
I totally understand how you feel, but I also think you are very fortunate to spend all of your time with your dc, not having to go to work full time.

It's your problem. You say you go to theirs but it sounds like this is your choice not theirs. They are probably happy not to see the kids and you so often.

This is spot on! Op you sound very entitled! Your dp don't have to think that your dc are the be all and end all, they raised you and now they are entitled to their own lives!

I cannot get my head around a mother/parent who thinks their own parents (kids grandparents) have to parent the grandchildren in any way! The grandparents are just not invested in their grandchildren in the same way as the OP, and of course they shouldn't be! They have their own lives and interests.

Plenty of people do not live close enough to their parents to do that, regardless of the closeness of the relationship.

My brother and I have a good relationship with our parents, but neither of us is in a position to provide elder care from different countries (as they were with theirs). Not that our parents expect it either, preferring to fund it themselves.

I imagine a lot of parents that don’t have a great relationship with their kids are going to particularly motivated to not rely on them when the time comes, so I’m not sure ‘well if you don’t do what I want I won’t help you when you’re old’ works as a compelling threat, except possibly as one of a good time.

OK I call bullshit.
As your youngest dc is ten months old , the overnight thing must have happened at least 10 months ago.Given the second child was at the time 16 months old they would now be at least 26 months, but you say they are a one year old.

You do know lots of people don't have grandparents helping with the children don't you?
That's why people either have arrangements with friends or siblings and take turns to have each others kids (or heaven forbid, hire a babysitter!)
They don't just pack bags and randomly drop their kids off at a totally unsuitable house and expect their parents to babysit (because they should enjoy it🙄)
This is the most unreasonable, entitled thing I have ever heard of.

@Mamaofthree1

this op

unfortunately I can relate to your mum, as i have MS and was in a relationship with an alcoholic for years. Trust me when I say there is very little in the tank when it comes to looking after anyone else.
If she is newly diagnosed and depending on the type of MS she has, she'll likely be terrified, knackered and worrying how on earth her life will look with only an addict husband to support her.
I understand you'd like your parents to be more involved but there is much more than just apathy behind their reluctance I'm sure.

Your dc aren't interesting or good company to anyone other than you and your dh and I say that as a Granny who provides childcare and sees dgs weekly. Yes i love him but he's hardly good company or all that interesting if I'm honest but I make sure he has fun when he's here. Your dm is ill, your df is her carer, I'm exhausted after a few hours caring for dgs and I have no health issues. Three of them is way beyond what your parents could be reasonably expected to manage
You have a dh, if you want a break leave the kids with him or pay a babysitter. No wonder your parents are hardly enthusiastic to see you all they will sense the resentment and entitlement coming from you in bucketloads.