Feel shit and pissed off with kids grandparents

[Mamaofthree1]

I'm a SAHM with 3 kids (10 Wk Old, 1YO, 6YO. I'm always trying my best to be the best parent for my kids, spend time really with them like making sure am present and enjoying their company, take them to places nearly everyday to make them happy. I look back at my own childhood my parents weren't in it with their heart. They don't make any effort to see my kids they expect me to take my kids to see them every weekend they never come to mine to see them, they're not the most welcoming when I go there aswell, after like an hour they're yawning saying they tired etc and make it obvious they cant be arsed with the kids. My dad always drinks atm and that's all he cares about. Just feel like they're barely acting like grandparents. My mam does have MS and feels poorly quite a lot so I dont expect much from her but my dad doesn't have any excuse. My mam is poorly but she could enjoy their company more like interact with rhem more instead of just sticking them in front of the telly as soon qs they come un, if I ask to babysit she plain right refuses straight away. My 2 eldest kids had a sleepover at their house when they were 5 YO and 16 MO only because I left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting while I go to have dinner and night with DH before baby no 3 came along. Because if I asked they would of just said no. Am honestly just feeling so let down by them I normally would go every Saturday to theirs but today I just took the kids to softplay instead. Please tell me its my problem and it's not them. I just see all these other grandparents doing so much with their grandchildren while mine seems to be totally selfish never leave the house to visit us and always negative argumentative and miserable and just toxic for my kids. Sorry for the long post its just getting me so down. I feel like my kids deserve so much more. My other half's parents don't live in this country so they don't have anyone else by their side.

This cannot be real.

Get a grip

YABVU

Hi Op

I think some of ubove posters reply have been somewhat harsh,
I can see both sides here, of yours and your parents situation here,

Your parents situation
Your mother unfortunately has MS , your father drinks 🍸 probably cause of the stress of caring for your mother, or he could have been a hard drinker before, your mom becoming ill with MS,?

Obviously not sure how long your mother had debilitating health disorder,?

You on the other hand feel like as their grand parents now,
It's a second chance to make up for their past failings as inadequate parens to yourself, who were either absent or not present emotionally as parents first time around,

I can see how you feel hard done by as they were not good enough parents /inadequate parents first time around,

And the present situation currently, makes you feel quite envious of other people/friends who have allways had more involved present parents/grandparents in their lives, than you unfortunately have,

your parents do not have to be there for you if they do not want to there for you, for whatever reasons,
however unfair this may feel towards yourself,

However I can see how your upbringing experiences and the reality of the way your current situation is,/family dynamics is, compounds this,
Makes your feel resentful,

I do get it, as you feel that your parents should have evolved matured enough to recognise their past feelings and want to make up for them now in that regard,

I think what you need to do, look into effective good therapy explore that, unresolved feelings of being abandoned emotional as a child,
Your feelings are very much valid,

Recognise however painful that your parents are human have flaws like anybody else, not perfect,

I think you need to accept your parents situation as it is and look how to adapt to this,
Such as lower expectations of them,

Such as not reliy on them for support in that way,
But could you just meet up with grandparnts or just your mother,?
in child/family friendly cafes/restaurants sometimes or on a regular basis every two weeks,

Could you arrange with them to vist the children's libarey together,with yourself?

When weather's gets better, why not meet up for family picnics in local parks /by the seaside or vist a leisure centre,

Having your children to learn to 🏊‍♂️ swim is obviously a good thing,

Could you take children go to the cinema to see Disney films with your parents or just one of your parents ?

Hmmmmm my mum has ms some days she can't get out of bed and my dad still works full time. I wouldn't even dream of asking her to have our 4. On the other hand when she is well she loves asking them over or coming to collect them. But I don't think it's an entitlement I should have. I'm grateful when grandparents get them and if they don't then no worries I know they love the kids the exact same.

Hi Op
Also just thinking as a family with your parents could you vist the zoo or animal parks when weather gets better?,

Could you vist botanical gardens with your family and grandparents when weather gets better?
What other family friendly places could you vist with grandparents?

Is there certain other family's members either side of family who are willing to be more involved in some ways, with your children?

I don't obviously mean just dumping all children together on them to have a break from them,
As obviously to look after all three children at same time is a lot to expect,
Could be just far overwhelming,

Could Certain family's members spend quality time with each one of your children, ?but not on same time of day,

Why not on pay for a good childminder, every so often or on a regular basis?

If you have good friends with children, could you as friends take it in turns to give each other a breaks sometimes?

Oops typo mistake
First reply to your Op Thread,

I ment
You feel that your parents should have evolved matured enough to make up for their past (failings) as parents through being grandparents

Your parents are not set up to have children in the house for long. There are other ways to have your parents regularly seeing their grandchildren...
Only plan to go to their house for less than an hour once a month and take all the food to share.
Look into meeting your parents at a park with a picnic.
Or meet at the soft play or at your place.
Take the dog for a walk around grandparent's neighbourhood.
Ask them out to morning tea at a cafe local to them.
Accompany your folks when they go to some of their commmittments ie church, working at Op Shop etc. every now and again.
Would either of your parents take just one of your children to their sport once a month or sometimes pick up one ot two from school and walk them home to you?
Try asking your parents to baby sit every month or two by asking well ahead and having them stay over at your place, which is kid friendly.
Also look at getting a holiday let that fits your parents once per year and enjoy having two more adults in the mix when you all go rambling etc.
Brain storm different ways to connect with your parents that are easier than having them keep a child friendly house or look after kids for hours at their place. Sleep overs with children younger than about six are hugely hard work. Babies need to see their things, their equipment and cot etc.

I call bollocks. No one can be that thick

The only one I feel for in all of this is that poor woman with MS. Who is looking after her?

In my view becoming a parent is a choice, but becoming a grandparent isn't. Perhaps they're just not as into it as you want them to be or they have other priorities. It doesn't mean anyone is being unreasonable, it just sounds like you've realised something needs to change to avoid this negative situation continuing.

I'm expecting this year and know my MIL is really keen to become a nan whereas my mum lives 2 hours away and will probably only see us once or twice a year. Would I prefer her to be just as invested in my children? Of course! But I also respect her life choices so don't feel resentful.

It sounds like you could do with a break from these weekly visits as no one is getting much out of them. Why not reduce to once a month for a while and see how you feel? It might help you re-evaluate what works best for you and the kids overall at the weekends and give your parents a bit of breathing space too.

@user1492757084

I agree also with your post too,

Some very good points for Op to think about,

I just think the way that Op put her point across in her thread,

It came across in a way that, obviously got some other posters backs up or something,

I don’t think this is made up. OP I really feel for you and can see this isn’t about babysitting but just wanting the DGPs to give a shit. I’m sorry for you because I understand 💐

It’s not like they don’t love them, I’m sure they do, but some DGPs just don’t want to be that involved and you can’t force it. You can’t make them care. The best thing you can is fill your time with your own little family and friends, if DGPs want to come see you or invite you over great, but you have to accept the way it is. Life becomes a lot easier when you do.

At some point adult children realize that their parents should no longer be taken for granted and the adult child needs to step up and care for the parents. The shoe is on the other foot now and your parents actually need support from you. This shift has happened in your relationship but you have not noticed it. What do you do each week to help your mum? Do you pop around with a hot meal, help with cleaning, take her for a pedicure as she probably can’t reach her toes? You seem to still be in the needy child phase of this relationship and you need to re-evaluate. They cannot do what you want and if you don’t change your mindset your relationship will suffer even more.

Thank you @Sobloodysoreandfedup for your understanding.

I know it comes across as very entitled but I want to clarify that I am not expecting them to babysit for me (the time I mentioned was a one off, my dad didn't drink that night, and I left my 2 kids with them knowing that they would be fine), their house isn't dangerous.

I appreciate people's comments, I have read through all of them and I think posting here has been somewhat useful for me to reflect on my own feelings towards the situation and how I should approach it.

On the note about my mam having MS, its newly diagnosed and she isnt as poorly as what a lot of peoole are suggesting, she still manages to do things like going shopping, travelling, may I add that my mam is not expected to babysit my children.

For me, I would appreciate something like them coming to my daughters swimming lesson as one off with me to see how well she is doing (as an example). This would be more important than babysitting for me, I don't want time off, thats not what I am suggesting. I enjoy my children and am happy to stay in. I was only hoping that my parents would make a bit more effort and enjoy my children too.

You chose to have children.
They didn't choose to have grandchildren.
Yes it's lovely when grandparents are close with their grandchildren but it isn't something you can force. They have absolutely no obligation whatsoever to babysit your kids. If going there is so miserable, why drag your kids there every week?! Who is that benefitting? It feels like you are trying too hard to force a relationship with them. Dumping your kids is appalling behaviour. My DC (eldest 7) have NEVER been babysat by their grandparents because they aren't comfortable doing it and that's fine, they have every right to make that choice.

I’m sorry but different grandparents have different circumstances and needs, it’s not fair to compare them to other grandparents.

Your two youngest are very close in age and very young, it’s probably too much for the grandparents. Demanding that they babysit for you like that sounds very rude.

YABsoU. Sorry your parents aren't acting in exactly the way you want. You chose to have children, they didn't choose for you. There are probably lots of aspects of your behaviour that they wish were different but hey, that's life.

Woah… your dad does not need ecxuses for not babysitting, he can say no because he has raised his kids now its your turn. If you want to dine out that badly get a childminder in,plenty around.

I totally get where you are coming from. My MIL is the same, she doesn't bother with my kids. Sadly she is the only grandparent they have left. And she fosters kids so it's not like she isn't surrounded by kids. I have no time for her anymore, in fact I stopped going to see her when she stopped taking an interest in my kids. She isn't bothered.

But you DID say that your mum is poorly a lot in your first post .

What is wrong with the people of MN! You can give your opinion without being so awful!
@Mamaofthree1 you sound like a parent that is trying their best for her children and shock horror you want the same from your parent! YANBU that’s what we all want.
My family would walk across broken glass for my children and be over the moon to look after them. I’m sorry you don’t have the same support.
Maybe consider making the kids less available or explaining you’re going to x and if they would like to come then they’re very welcome. Before anyone says your mum has MS and can’t do anything, you can hire mobility scooters at some country parks, go to one of those locations and say you’ll hire her one.

Shit parents turn into shit grandparents sadly.

Expect much less.

Don't go every weekend.

You said yourself your parents weren’t that into parenting when you were a child. I can see why it would be therapeutic for you if they have your children the attention they didn’t give you, but they are still the same people. They are not that into kids, sadly. You need to forgive them (in your heart I mean, not to their face!) for that and build your relationship with your own children based on the cards you have been dealt, not what you wish had happened. In the mean
time, sitters is a great babysitting agency. I had no local family and used them when the kids were young. Also consider nursery. If you have no help, you need to find ways of creating a break for yourself for your own mental health.