Feel shit and pissed off with kids grandparents

[Mamaofthree1]

I'm a SAHM with 3 kids (10 Wk Old, 1YO, 6YO. I'm always trying my best to be the best parent for my kids, spend time really with them like making sure am present and enjoying their company, take them to places nearly everyday to make them happy. I look back at my own childhood my parents weren't in it with their heart. They don't make any effort to see my kids they expect me to take my kids to see them every weekend they never come to mine to see them, they're not the most welcoming when I go there aswell, after like an hour they're yawning saying they tired etc and make it obvious they cant be arsed with the kids. My dad always drinks atm and that's all he cares about. Just feel like they're barely acting like grandparents. My mam does have MS and feels poorly quite a lot so I dont expect much from her but my dad doesn't have any excuse. My mam is poorly but she could enjoy their company more like interact with rhem more instead of just sticking them in front of the telly as soon qs they come un, if I ask to babysit she plain right refuses straight away. My 2 eldest kids had a sleepover at their house when they were 5 YO and 16 MO only because I left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting while I go to have dinner and night with DH before baby no 3 came along. Because if I asked they would of just said no. Am honestly just feeling so let down by them I normally would go every Saturday to theirs but today I just took the kids to softplay instead. Please tell me its my problem and it's not them. I just see all these other grandparents doing so much with their grandchildren while mine seems to be totally selfish never leave the house to visit us and always negative argumentative and miserable and just toxic for my kids. Sorry for the long post its just getting me so down. I feel like my kids deserve so much more. My other half's parents don't live in this country so they don't have anyone else by their side.

[Tomkirkman]

@FlamingoQueen

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You are not expecting your parents to babysit / do childcare - just would like them to take an interest in your children. Some grandparents just do not do this. I had the most amazing grandparents and absolutely adored them - my kids do not really have relationships with their grandparents. They don’t even text / ring on their granddaughters birthday (although cards sent).

For your own sanity, I would stop visiting them - if they are more than capable of coming to you, then let them do that. It is far easier when the children have their own toys etc. It is important that you accept they are not going to change and you need to continue to build your own loving relationship with your dc. It will mess with your head otherwise. They have a choice - if they choose not to engage, then it’s tough. Their loss.

Op is expecting it.

She expects their house to be toddler proof. She also backed the kids up and left there without asking and told them they were babysitting so her and her husband could have date night.

[Retinolqqqq]

I think you’re getting a hard time on here.

But I get why you’re disappointed. It can be lonely parenting without wider family around who are enthusiastically part of it too.

It’s ok to feel sad that you don’t have all that grandparent love around your children.

You can’t change them, though.

Do you have a good support network of friends with kids?

I agree with the posters who suggest finding a good babysitting agency!

[Ellie1015]

Cut back on the weekend visits if they are not enjoyable. Every other week is more than reasonable. Invite your mum and dad to your or to swimming or to soft play etc instead.

Dont worry about the research saying grandparents are important. Seeing them once a fortnight at their house can still be a good relationship if that is what works for you all.

[Innachu]

Grandparents do tend to love and to want to see grandchildren no matter the relationship with the children.

it is very sad

[Thoughtful2355]

but what if they dont WANT to have this big relationship with YOUR kids, WHAT IF they arnt that interested in kids??

Your being entitled and i can understand you wanting these great grandparents that do all of the lovely grandparent things but maybe they just arnt that interested. Thats not a them problem, its a you problem for forcing them to be interested in kids.

My grandma is the same, She loved her kids but not that interested in any of the other kids that came along.

[InsertMoniker]

Dont worry about the research saying grandparents are important. Seeing them once a fortnight at their house can still be a good relationship if that is what works for you all

Quite. My siblings and I didn't have any grandparents as they died before we were born. Didn't miss it because we never had it.

[OutsideLookingOut]

Did they express being interested in grandchildren before they came? They had no choice in whether you had children and how many you have. It seems like they were not the best if parents anyway and maybe did not like raising children?


Like others I do think you are extremely entitled but then we can all get jealous of what others have. It would be wonderful for you and your children if they wanted to be very involved.

Sadly many people even relations do not find children good company or do want a great deal of closeness with them.

[JustJustWhy]

I think the OP is getting a hard time. If you separate out what she was saying about babysitting expectations, don't we all go into parenthood to hope to create a family and to love and support our kids? I've never expected my parents to babysit and I've NEVER used them as childcare while I work (nursery fees were like a second mortgage) because my child was my responsibility and I would never expect them to start having to be a 'parent' all over again. I wanted them to enjoy the role of grandparents, which is quite different. However, we are a very close family and they adore my child and their other grandchildren. The OP indicates that her parents don't have this bond with her children and I find that really sad and I can see how she looks at families like mine, which I never take for granted for a single moment, and feels upset.

[gogohmm]

Yabu. Your mum has ms, sounds like your dad is drinking to cope. Babysitting by grandparents is not a right. But the flip side is stop visiting so much.

[OutsideLookingOut]

@JustJustWhy

I think the OP is getting a hard time. If you separate out what she was saying about babysitting expectations, don't we all go into parenthood to hope to create a family and to love and support our kids? I've never expected my parents to babysit and I've NEVER used them as childcare while I work (nursery fees were like a second mortgage) because my child was my responsibility and I would never expect them to start having to be a 'parent' all over again. I wanted them to enjoy the role of grandparents, which is quite different. However, we are a very close family and they adore my child and their other grandchildren. The OP indicates that her parents don't have this bond with her children and I find that really sad and I can see how she looks at families like mine, which I never take for granted for a single moment, and feels upset.

But they don’t and trying to force it is rather entitled. It doesn’t mean it isn’t sad for OP but her response to it isn’t great.

[tenterden]

Your parents weren’t very interested in you as a child. Why did you think they would be interested in grandchildren?

Stop taking them there every week. Make your own life. They are never going to magically turn into the parents/grandparents you wanted.

[JustJustWhy]

@OutsideLookingOut

But they don’t and trying to force it is rather entitled. It doesn’t mean it isn’t sad for OP but her response to it isn’t great.

I'd say more misguided than entitled. I read the OP more that she's desperate for them to have the kind of bond that many grandparents do...but I agree that looks extremely unlikely and she is going about trying to force it in a cack-handed way. I just found the post quite sad.

[Winter2020]

I’m sorry that your parents aren’t interested in being devoted grandparents. It’s sad but it is their choice. I wouldn’t waste my time going every Saturday. Where is your husband on the Saturdays? Does he work weekends?

I think you would be better off arranging meet ups and play dates with friends than visiting your parents. You and your kids will find that more rewarding. Take the kids once in a blue moon to their grandparents for an hour - they might even make a fuss of them under those terms.

[Ohwonderful]

@InsertMoniker

I think we all as mums expect a level of practical and emotional support from our own mums/parents. I dont think this I'd entitlement

It is literally entitlement.

I suppose what I mean is, it's not unreasonable for someone to expect a level of support from their parents or a relationship between them and their grandchildren.

Calling someone entitled suggests someone is expecting more than would be reasonable/common place.

[Itsneverwhatitseems]

You had children because you wanted children. That does not mean your parents automatically want to look after them whenever you want them to. Your mother is unwell and your father not that interested. That’s just the way it is. Stop comparing your parents to others, I’m sure you would not be happy if they did that to you.

[DaveyJonesLocker]

My 2 eldest kids had a sleepover at their house when they were 5 YO and 16 MO only because I left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting while I go to have dinner and night with DH before baby no 3 came along. Because if I asked they would of just said no.

wtf!? You can't do that.

They're clearly not that bothered. You can't force them. I wouldn't be visiting that often. People see my DS as often as they make the effort to, I'm not forcing anyone into his life that doesn't light up the moment they see him.

[MrsR87]

I’m sorry, you left your children overnight with someone with a serious medical condition without checking what kind of day they were having first? That’s so entitled!
We are in a similar situation in terms of in laws being far away and my mum has cancer and so has chemo nearly everyday and so despite her wanting to be more involved and take the kids on days out and have sleepovers, she just physically can’t. I would never just drop the kids on her!
If you don’t think they are bothered, I don’t understand why you are taking them every week. Go once a month instead you might find that everyone looks forward to the visits more. Have play dates instead so that the kids benefit from some fun time and a child appropriate environment.

[MeMyCatsAndMyBooks]

You had kids because you wanted kids, they are your responsibility and yours alone.

If you want a break pay for a babysitter like everyone else. If I was your parents I wouldn't even answer the door to you.

[katepilar]

Its fine to want to have great or good grandparents for your children. unfortunately not all grandparents are like that.
you dont need to take yourselves to them every saturday if you dont want to and dont enjoy seeing them.

[CouldBeOuting]

Sorry OP but you’re YABU. My DCs have grown up with little to no GP involvement. Certainly no babysitting or days out with any of them. A couple of pub lunches with DHs dad and stepmother (they are far more interested in HER grandchildren - ours just aren’t relevant). My side were only interested in “classy” dinners and once invited my then 4 year old daughter to the opera as the friend they were going with had dropped out. It was an evening performance and she wouldn’t have stayed awake that late if it had been Teletubbies the opera - so I said tank you but no and their response was “well you clearly don’t want nice things for her” and kept a good distance ever after. When DF died my adult son said “I hardly knew him, I think I met him about a dozen times if that”.
Grandparents are special if they are good ones but not worth it if they aren’t bothered.

[Echobelly]

I get your disappointment, but you need to let go of the idea of them being there to help even if occasionally, they don't want to and they don't actually have to.

My parents were very involved when the kids were small, ILs a bit but it always had to be on their terms as they were (and still are) running their own businesses, whereas mine were semi-retired. I used to feel frustrated a bit at ILs initially, then I realised that was unreasonable as there were good reasons they couldn't be as accommodating. And sometimes there's no reason other than grandparents don't want to do it and aren't that kind of people. Some are prepared to basically provide full childcare cover, down to others who simply do not want to do any care because they are retired and they want to relax now - we just have to accept where they are at.

[crossstitchingnana]

I CBA to read it all but, do they ask you to go every week?

I see it as someone who wants their distant parents to be close and fun-loving grandparents. It won't happen. My maternal grandparents were so distant and cold and I never went to tea let alone sleepover (I would have shat myself with fear!) I have no memories of them even talking to me. Know what? I have turned out fine. And my mum never foisted us on them.

[Usernumber74736263]

The only thing I agree with you is that you shouldn’t be expected to go there all the time, when they could come to you - I agree with that. Everything else I think is one of those things. Growing up my grandparents were a massive part of my life, they both worked full time but still had us a lot of the time. My mother has never really had my kids but I’m okay with that.

[WimbyAce]

Do they actually want you to go round there every weekend? If they don't I would stop tbh. Grandparents are all very different, some love to be very involved and some just aren't interested. I think you need to respect that.

[VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji]

id have loved my family to want to be part of my kids lives, but they don’t want it.
you can’t force it. I don’t have help, they don’t want to help. They don’t have to help. As my mum says “you’ve made your bed”