Feel shit and pissed off with kids grandparents

[Mamaofthree1]

I'm a SAHM with 3 kids (10 Wk Old, 1YO, 6YO. I'm always trying my best to be the best parent for my kids, spend time really with them like making sure am present and enjoying their company, take them to places nearly everyday to make them happy. I look back at my own childhood my parents weren't in it with their heart. They don't make any effort to see my kids they expect me to take my kids to see them every weekend they never come to mine to see them, they're not the most welcoming when I go there aswell, after like an hour they're yawning saying they tired etc and make it obvious they cant be arsed with the kids. My dad always drinks atm and that's all he cares about. Just feel like they're barely acting like grandparents. My mam does have MS and feels poorly quite a lot so I dont expect much from her but my dad doesn't have any excuse. My mam is poorly but she could enjoy their company more like interact with rhem more instead of just sticking them in front of the telly as soon qs they come un, if I ask to babysit she plain right refuses straight away. My 2 eldest kids had a sleepover at their house when they were 5 YO and 16 MO only because I left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting while I go to have dinner and night with DH before baby no 3 came along. Because if I asked they would of just said no. Am honestly just feeling so let down by them I normally would go every Saturday to theirs but today I just took the kids to softplay instead. Please tell me its my problem and it's not them. I just see all these other grandparents doing so much with their grandchildren while mine seems to be totally selfish never leave the house to visit us and always negative argumentative and miserable and just toxic for my kids. Sorry for the long post its just getting me so down. I feel like my kids deserve so much more. My other half's parents don't live in this country so they don't have anyone else by their side.

[ShonaShoop]

Don't be ringing your kids when you're 85 and need some help then. They might just change their phone number

I have my GC twice a week for their parents to work. I see them, either at ours or theirs, most weekends. I don’t spend time with my GC in exchange their DP’s will care for me when I’m elderly (and or sick).

After caring for my elderly dad, with Alzheimer’s, for years before he died. I do not want my DC to feel beholden to look after me. They have a life to get on with. I’d prefer they enjoyed it. I’d like them and GC to visit occasionally. But make me their full time job? No way!!

[PinkSyCo]

I can’t get over the fact that you dumped your kids on people with no or little interest in them! Your poor kids! 😳

[KatyJ89]

I don't quite agree with everything you've said but yes, it is hard watching your parents show no interest in your children. I just try and shower my kids with my love and hope for the best and swear if I'm lucky enough to be grandparent in the future then I'll be different

[mathanxiety]

I think what's going on here is you're feeling that your parents have washed their hands of you and don't make the smallest effort to show you they love you and appreciate something that's important to you. And that is hard.

I think trying to force them to give you and your children the affection and validation you need will only result in more heartache than you're already experiencing.

I'd step right back and start mourning the relationship you had your hopes pinned on.

[Daisybuttercup12345]

WOW . I agree you parents have failed in that they have raised a very selfish and entitled Brat.
You are the problem here. You mother is a sick woman. Their childraising years are over and they owe you nothing at all.
But I am glad you are a perfect parent yourself.

[Crazycrazylady]

Dear God. It's lovely with gp have a good relationship with their grand kids but some people don't feel up to it or don't want to go back to changing nappies etc. it's fine to be sad about that but your level of entitlement is astonishing.
You're annoyed they won't toddler proof their house. Don't offer free babysitting and don't fawn over your kids when they are there. It's nice that you're willing to cut your mom some slack given she has Ms though..

[Thesharkradar]

@LondonJax

Just as it is for the OP to provide and protect her own children as it was her and her DH choice to have them wasn't it?

I dont disagree, I think OP has unrealistic expectations of her parents

[LuckySantangelo35]

@LondonJax

Just as it is for the OP to provide and protect her own children as it was her and her DH choice to have them wasn't it?

@Thesharkradar

yep!

[LondonJax]

@Thesharkradar

i think you mean she should remember all the things that they did for her when she was a child and teen
They made a choice to have children and having made that choice it is their duty to protect and provide for their child.

Just as it is for the OP to provide and protect her own children as it was her and her DH choice to have them wasn't it?

[Sacmagique75]

“I look back at my own childhood my parents weren't in it with their heart.”

With kindness, it sounds like your parents didn’t enjoy having young children first time around, and clearly that has not changed. Reframing your mindset/expectations might help you here.

[LuckySantangelo35]

@Thesharkradar

i think you mean she should remember all the things that they did for her when she was a child and teen
They made a choice to have children and having made that choice it is their duty to protect and provide for their child.

@Thesharkradar

doesn’t mean that op can’t be appreciative and grateful for that!

[uncomfortablydumb53]

YABVU
You can't make them interested if they're not the grandparents you think they should be!
Your DC Will definitely not suffer without their presence

[BMrs]

In a similar situation here. It's really disappointing when grandparents aren't interested in their grandchildren. In NC with dad and Mum just isn't fussed about kids in general. She's never had my children overnight, just the very odd hour twice and my eldest is 6.

Honestly just lower your expectations. Not everyone is a great grandparent and it's a shame your kids/my kids don't get that but it is what it is. I wouldn't force it and I certainly wouldn't be wasting my Saturdays visiting people who don't want me there or appreciate me visiting.

I just concentrate on our own little family now and crack on with it just us.

[Mumwithapub]

I understand how you are feeling, it's more about the bigger picture of family and how the bigger connection of it all stems. As I child I loved nothing more than all my Aunt's, Uncles and cousins getting together as a big family. It makes a child feel secure and that's what you may be wanting for your children. Unfortunately society seems to have broken down in this area over recent decades and only the lucky few have the security of an extended family that make the effort.

[Tellyaddict123]

I think there’s a variation of what people expect from grandparents.

First type is you had kids it’s your choice and you should cope without any help.

Second is expecting family to be there and help out after all it takes a village.

I sit closer to the second. While I don’t expect my parents to do regular childcare it would be lovely if they supported me more, offered to help and just generally felt like they had my back.

I get what your saying OP it would nice if felt supported, it’s not about regular childcare it’s about having a support network.

I would stop going round so often if they aren’t interested. Stop trying to force a relationship they don’t want as you will always be left upset. Please don’t leave your children there again without agreeing it first, that’s out of order.

[LondonJax]

@Back2front

As someone whose parents were totally involved in my kids' lives, I get your point OP. I would want to be involved and support with any grandchildren that come along. They sound inadequate and won't change tho so just do your own thing and stop making an effort to go see them. Remember this when they are elderly.

I'm the mum of an older teenager so we're not in this position yet. I have no idea if I'll be ready, willing or able to help with my GC if and when the time comes. I hope I will but, as an older parent, it may be more limited. I don't know.

However, if my child 'threatened' me with 'help me with the grandchildren or I don't help you when you need it' having loved HIM/nurtured HIM/supported HIM and paid for everything he needed or wanted during HIS childhood my reply would be 'then I'll be using the £500K house inheritance you THINK you're getting to pay for my now fantastic care sunshine'. I suggest kids who hold their parents to ransom over caring for the grandchildren remember that when they're parents are elderly....Threats work both ways too.

But then we've brought our son up to appreciate that loving their family doesn't come with conditions or pay back. Hopefully he'll appreciate whatever we can do rather than insisting, calculating or assuming we'll do more.

OP, I wouldn't be spending every Saturday at the GPS as your kids need more variety and, maybe, your parents need a bit of a break from them. Seeing them less often may make it more of a treat when they do meet up, on both parts.

And get a baby sitter if you want an evening out. You can't force them to enjoy your kids, your mum is ill (and may be worried understandably), what's going on with your dad seems very complicated and they weren't there for you as a kid so what do you think has changed?

Forget this stuff about involved grandparents - there's always a study somewhere that says things should be done a certain way. We're older parents as I said, so DS's grandparents have all died. We had no-one to baby sit him except friends occasionally (which we were grateful for). He's pretty well adjusted for not having the GPS input...

And don't compare your mum's ability to go shopping etc with looking after your children. I can easily go out for a whole day shopping or to the theatre because I can pace myself. Looking after a toddler again for the whole day would not as easy even now.

[Thesharkradar]

i think you mean she should remember all the things that they did for her when she was a child and teen
They made a choice to have children and having made that choice it is their duty to protect and provide for their child.

[LuckySantangelo35]

@Back2front

As someone whose parents were totally involved in my kids' lives, I get your point OP. I would want to be involved and support with any grandchildren that come along. They sound inadequate and won't change tho so just do your own thing and stop making an effort to go see them. Remember this when they are elderly.

@Back2front

i think you mean she should remember all the things that they did for her when she was a child and teen

honestly some people are so entitled - their parents not only have to parent them but their grandkids too if they want even a sniff of acknowledge and care in their last years!

Some people are soooooooo selfish! It’s not all about you and your precious kids

[hiredandsqueak]

Your dc aren't interesting or good company to anyone other than you and your dh and I say that as a Granny who provides childcare and sees dgs weekly. Yes i love him but he's hardly good company or all that interesting if I'm honest but I make sure he has fun when he's here. Your dm is ill, your df is her carer, I'm exhausted after a few hours caring for dgs and I have no health issues. Three of them is way beyond what your parents could be reasonably expected to manage
You have a dh, if you want a break leave the kids with him or pay a babysitter. No wonder your parents are hardly enthusiastic to see you all they will sense the resentment and entitlement coming from you in bucketloads.

[mygoodies]

unfortunately I can relate to your mum, as i have MS and was in a relationship with an alcoholic for years. Trust me when I say there is very little in the tank when it comes to looking after anyone else.
If she is newly diagnosed and depending on the type of MS she has, she'll likely be terrified, knackered and worrying how on earth her life will look with only an addict husband to support her.
I understand you'd like your parents to be more involved but there is much more than just apathy behind their reluctance I'm sure.

[LuckySantangelo35]

@melj1213

They appreciate their own company, their own space, their own lives.

Why can't you appreciate that they don't think your little darlings are the be all and end all of their existence and stop trying to force them on one another?

@Mamaofthree1

this op

[QueenBee1234]

You do know lots of people don't have grandparents helping with the children don't you?
That's why people either have arrangements with friends or siblings and take turns to have each others kids (or heaven forbid, hire a babysitter!)
They don't just pack bags and randomly drop their kids off at a totally unsuitable house and expect their parents to babysit (because they should enjoy it🙄)
This is the most unreasonable, entitled thing I have ever heard of.

[fUNNYfACE36]

OK I call bullshit.
As your youngest dc is ten months old , the overnight thing must have happened at least 10 months ago.Given the second child was at the time 16 months old they would now be at least 26 months, but you say they are a one year old.

[whumpthereitis]

@Dacadactyl

I didn't have kids for them to look after me either. However, it's much nicer all round if your kids are on hand to decipher correspondence, help sort out bills and insurances, hospital stuff, medications etc when you can't do it for yourself.

As long as OPs parents and those like them remember that relationships are a 2 way street in this regard, that's all fine.

Although I must admit, I missed the MS and drink problem bit in your original post OP and it does sound like they are in no position to help anyone at present.

Dial back on the weekly visits...not only for your sake, but theirs.

Plenty of people do not live close enough to their parents to do that, regardless of the closeness of the relationship.

My brother and I have a good relationship with our parents, but neither of us is in a position to provide elder care from different countries (as they were with theirs). Not that our parents expect it either, preferring to fund it themselves.

I imagine a lot of parents that don’t have a great relationship with their kids are going to particularly motivated to not rely on them when the time comes, so I’m not sure ‘well if you don’t do what I want I won’t help you when you’re old’ works as a compelling threat, except possibly as one of a good time.

[purpledalmation]

I cannot get my head around a mother/parent who thinks their own parents (kids grandparents) have to parent the grandchildren in any way! The grandparents are just not invested in their grandchildren in the same way as the OP, and of course they shouldn't be! They have their own lives and interests.