Feel shit and pissed off with kids grandparents

Nobody owes you babysitting services, and nobody is likely to find your children as interesting as you do.

Mine never really slept over alone at grandparents until they were around 3. MIL and FIL used to look after them a day a week while worked and I think they felt like that was plenty. They never had them so we could go out for a meal. If we wanted to go out for an evening we would have to pay a babysitter and couldn't really afford that. My parents weren't local.

YABU to expect your Mum who has MS to look after a toddler and a small child. Your Dad is likely doing lots for her. I don't know it would be safe to leave small children with them? Why have a third if you find it such a bind?

It's hard when you have parents/grandparents who can't be arsed with their grandchildren. Even more so when you know that you were a child routinely given to your own grandparents.

The obvious response to that is they offloaded their kids as much as they could for a reason. If they weren’t that involved as parents why would anyone expect them to be involved as grandparents?!

This situation is not going to change, your mother is not able and your father is too selfish. Even though your in laws live in another country I would be trying to build the relationship through FaceTime etc,
I understand your want for help every now and again but it sounds like you need to look elsewhere.

He’s already a carer 24/7

I left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting while I go to have dinner and night with DH before baby no 3 came along.

😂😂😂. How do people have time to make a huge post about made up shit? Mind boggling.

Yes, sorry YABU they have no obligation and you should pay a babysitter for nights out. The research you mention is that children benefit from GOOD grandparents and they aren't that by your description. In addition, do you really want to leave them in the care of a drunk and a disabled person? I mean your mum sounds nice but depending on the stage of her MS she might not be capable and she's already dependent on his half-assed care meaning hes not going to put himself out much for your DC (I say this as a disabled person myself; couldn't care for a toddler for more than a couple of daytime hours let alone two small children. I'm happier & safer in charge of primary age children and very lucky my disability only got worse after DC was in secondary).

Its party time and not one minute can we lose

Change your expectations, and accept that they aren’t the sort of grandparents that help. Maybe change the visits to fortnightly and only stay an hour. I can understand why they are struggling with the kids, it must be difficult to manage MS. Has it always been like this, or just since your mum has become unwell?

Why have a third if you find it such a bind?

Well, quite !

Be my baby…

I think you're being a bit unreasonable but for a slightly different reason than PPs.

You knew what they were like when you were a child. Why would they suddenly be different as grandparents? I think you're trying to resolve some issues from your past by expecting them to be something they just never will be. It sounds like your mum is sick and your dad is an alcoholic. I'm really sorry, it does sound like they're not very good grandparents, and they never will be.

My parents live 5,000 miles away and my partner's parents just aren't that involved. I've had to grieve a bit but you will have to accept the reality and find help and comfort elsewhere. I hope you can

Put the wine down and go to bed.

Your children, your responsibility. Nobody else's, not even your parents.

This thread is pathetic (and unreal) 😂

YYYYYYMCA

1/10 OP. You need to try harder.

You forced a woman with MS and a heavy-drinking husband to babysit your kids? You are so far beyond unreasonable I cannot find the words. Your poor mum has got enough on her plate. Don’t go round every Saturday, it’s no fun for anyone. Do something fun with your kids instead. And every now and then see your mum on her own without your kids and make sure she’s ok.

My Mother didn't give a flying one about my son. She was a very selfish woman with issues. Being around her was unpleasant. So we stopped being around her.

i only got them to babysit that one time because I felt like they shouldnt really view them as a burden they should enjoy my kids company.

But they are under no obligation to enjoy your kids company. Maybe your kids aren't very good company? Maybe your dad is knackered from caring for your Mum? Maybe your Mum is feeling too ill to want company at all even if if it is your children? Maybe they just don't like your attitude?

It all seems like a lot of self made (or made up) drama and if it is true and you did just dump your kids and their bags, out yourself very bloody lucky that the bags didn't hit you on the back of the head as you were leaving because if you'd pulled that stunt with many people you'd have found bags and children returned to you pretty sharpish.

Another thing I forgot to mention is their house is not the most child friendly and they get stressed whenever my toddler touches stuff they don't like him touching but I would be okay with.

Why should their house be "child friendly". The onus is surely on you to keep an eye on them and I am intrigued what stuff it is you would be relaxed about them touching that the owners of that stuff are clearly more anxious about.

Maybe they don't like kids ? YABVU

My 2 eldest kids had a sleepover at their house when they were 5 YO and 16 MO only because I left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting while I go to have dinner and night with DH before baby no 3 came along.

As grandparents who have our grandkids stay over a lot (because we have the benefit of still being very young and active) I had quite a bit of sympathy for you at first until I read the above, and honestly this is exactly why the word 'entitled' gets banded about so much (and that's not even taking the MS into consideration which makes it even worse). Maybe it's your attitude that puts your parents off babysitting.

YABU. Your mother has a totally debilitating and extremely serious condition. Maybe think a bit more about what can do to help your parents rather than complaining they don't help you enough.

This^
you'll have to accept that's how they are OP, just dont contact them much, dont go round, be distant, at least you dont owe them anything!
mine we're interested either, but then based on the way they treated ME as a child I didnt expect any different.
Keep your distance, dont waste your energy on them.

I feel for you OP. I agree that unless you're in the situation it's very hard to understand how depressing it is.

I'm a single parent whose inlaws have zero contact (not my choice and have tried to encourage it but they live in a different country and have sided with my abusive ex so the relationship is non existent) the father only sees his children once every fortnight, and my own parents have little interest. It requires a lot of effort on my part to keep the relationship going.

My mother also has MS. I love her dearly despite our issues and hate to see her struggle and suffer. Despite her illness she does have energy for shopping and can travel into London regularly and go shopping in Knightsbridge, etc and have lunch with girlfriends. I'm glad she still can and don't begrudge it but I feel let down and disappointed that, at times, I have been so depressed and desperate that my children have definitely suffered and they don't step in to help and it would only be if I called them crying on the edge of a breakdown that they would come over, begrudgingly.

My father will be quite happy to see us for 5 minutes and then he gets really cross with them for 'disobeying' (his words), shouts at them, and has thought it was ok to 'tap' my son on the head for being naughty, twice now. I think it's utterly disgusting and have to now limit the time we spend with them when we visit. It has to be 100% supervised so my dad doesn't get cross and irritable.

YANBU for feeling the way you do.

The difference is that I wouldn't let my children stay over night with their grandparents as they are just too much for them (my father is young and perfectly fit and capable but he just can't help shouting at them and losing patience every few minutes).

I felt like they shouldnt really view them as a burden they should enjoy my kids company
you cant control them, you cant make them do what you think they ought to, they clearly dont feel much connection or any sense of duty towards your children. The silver lining is you can now let go of any sense of duty you feel towards them