Feel shit and pissed off with kids grandparents

[Mamaofthree1]

I'm a SAHM with 3 kids (10 Wk Old, 1YO, 6YO. I'm always trying my best to be the best parent for my kids, spend time really with them like making sure am present and enjoying their company, take them to places nearly everyday to make them happy. I look back at my own childhood my parents weren't in it with their heart. They don't make any effort to see my kids they expect me to take my kids to see them every weekend they never come to mine to see them, they're not the most welcoming when I go there aswell, after like an hour they're yawning saying they tired etc and make it obvious they cant be arsed with the kids. My dad always drinks atm and that's all he cares about. Just feel like they're barely acting like grandparents. My mam does have MS and feels poorly quite a lot so I dont expect much from her but my dad doesn't have any excuse. My mam is poorly but she could enjoy their company more like interact with rhem more instead of just sticking them in front of the telly as soon qs they come un, if I ask to babysit she plain right refuses straight away. My 2 eldest kids had a sleepover at their house when they were 5 YO and 16 MO only because I left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting while I go to have dinner and night with DH before baby no 3 came along. Because if I asked they would of just said no. Am honestly just feeling so let down by them I normally would go every Saturday to theirs but today I just took the kids to softplay instead. Please tell me its my problem and it's not them. I just see all these other grandparents doing so much with their grandchildren while mine seems to be totally selfish never leave the house to visit us and always negative argumentative and miserable and just toxic for my kids. Sorry for the long post its just getting me so down. I feel like my kids deserve so much more. My other half's parents don't live in this country so they don't have anyone else by their side.

[Shinyandnew1]

My 2 eldest kids had a sleepover at their house when they were 5 YO and 16 MO only because I left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting while I go to have dinner and night with DH before baby no 3 came along. Because if I asked they would of just said no.

There is certainly someone being unreasonable here but it’s not your parents. I can’t believe you did this!

[DragonsFurry]

I hope you've managed to ignore all the negative, goady comments OP.

Why do you take the kids to your parents every Saturday if they're not interested? Just stop doing it and see less of them, they're obviously not interested in being very involved.

My parents are not dissimilar, it is quite hurtful but you have to just get on with your life without seeing them so much. Plus, there'll be less of an obligation now to look after them when they get to the point of needing help.

[pinkyredrose]

Why the hell would they want to watch your kids swimming lesson?

[Jmaho]

I'm commenting as I have a similar position so I should understand what you are saying. I don't
We have 4 children and none of them have ever had a sleepover at their grandparents
They have been looked after a handful of times for a couple of hours when there has been a school event
Both grandparents don't want sleepovers or to look after the children. It's fine. It's their choice. Just as it was ours to have 4 children
We hardly see one side unless we go to them. We see the other side at our house every two weeks
We haven't been out alone as a couple for five years
It's fine. It's our choice. You chose to have 3 children and be a SAHM so deal with it. It doesn't make you special
I find the fact that you dumped your kids on your parents overnight without asking them first incredibly rude and shameful to be honest
You sound very immature

[lv884]

I think visiting grandparents is more common than them visiting, especially if they are elderly or disabled.

I was wondering OP: is the lack of babysitters the real frustration?

We also only have my parents in the UK. My mum still won’t have my 3 year old overnight. I know she’s being overly worrisome but her thoughts are valid and I have to respect that and remember that when we made the decision to have kids, it didn’t necessarily mean our parents would want to be babysitters. Your baby is still quite young for some grandparents and an overnight stay. We would love a very occasional - even annual! - night to ourselves and lie in together so I can empathise. But I would never just turn up with the kids’ belongings, tbh - and I have young, active parents who would have no problem running around after kids.

[Pipsquiggle]

I get it OP but unfortunately you can't do anything about it.

We have one set of GPs who are disinterested, it's a shame. My DC don''t see them a lot and definitely don't have a fun, loving relationship with them. It's the GPs loss.

You know you can''t rely on them in any capacity, so just move on. I definitely would not be going around every weekend

[maddy68]

You sound very entitled. You demanded they stayed???

I would never have them again.

They are allowed to have a nice home without your kids touching their nice things.

They have done their parenting years

If you planned it nicely. Asking them would it be possible to babysit one Saturday so you can go out then I am sure you would get a better result

[Cocobutt]

My 2 eldest kids had a sleepover at their house when they were 5 YO and 16 MO only because I left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting while I go to have dinner and night with DH before baby no 3 came along. Because if I asked they would of just said no.

Wow!
Poor parents and poor kids!

No wonder they don’t get too involved with your DCs!
You’d end up dumping them on them every 5 minutes else.

These are your kids, not theirs.
They do not owe you anything.

Maybe if you stop expecting them to look after them they’ll show more interest in what they do.

Stop going over every Saturday. Go once a fortnight or month.
Perhaps you could invite them over for Sunday roast every now and then.

[Nanny0gg]

@Mamaofthree1

Another thing I forgot to mention is their house is not the most child friendly and they get stressed whenever my toddler touches stuff they don't like him touching but I would be okay with. Just clearly want to be left on thei own in the house with no friends , I'm feeling so down when I spend too much time with them. Some advice please and tell me if I'm being unreasonable

Yes, you're unreasonable

Are you bored?

[BorderlineBagpuss]

I think that all the comments saying the OP is unreasonable is a really selfish mindset and reflective of a society that values individualism above all else. In many cultures it would be horrifying for the grandparents to not take an interest in the grandchildren or want to help their children. Even if it isn’t a source of joy for the grandparents, I would have considered it a form of duty. But OP knows her parents are crap at parenting so she should save herself the heartache of disappointment and accept them for who they are.

[Hoplesscynic]

@Mamaofthree1

I don't get how I'm the 'problem' like unless anyone's gone through this they won't understand it. I feel as though they're not there for my kids and it's not so much that it benefits me because they would babysit, i only got them to babysit that one time because I felt like they shouldnt really view them as a burden they should enjoy my kids company. It's the fact that my kids are missing out on having real involved grandparents, like research has shown how important grandparents are in kids lives.

Whilst I get your feelings about your parents (I also have a parent who does barely anything with my kids/their GC), YABVVU to demand they look after your kids!
Whether the grandparents are super involved or not at all, you can't demand they turn into babysitters on your say so. You chose to have kids and you chose to have THREE - it's your problem to sort childcare. Your parents can help out if they want to, but they don't owe you a childcare service.

[Dacadactyl]

I don't think it's out of order of you to expect a night out with your husband now and again.

If they're not prepared to help you out on occasion, I'd leave them to it. They don't sound like they're adding anything to your life except stress.

I'd bin them off. But I'd tell them how I felt first. Relationships go both ways.

They'll soon be ringing you when they're old and need help with hospital appointments or whatever. So just tell them that you only put yourself out for people who help you in return.

And I say that as someone who wouldn't be doing mad amounts of childcare for grandkids myself. The odd bloody night out once in a blue moon should not be an issue for them.

[billy1966]

It is understandable that you wish they were more involved but they aren't and that is their choice.

I think you are wrong to bring them into a toxic environment where they are miserable and disinterested.

That is far worse for your children and you do it weekly....too much.

You can't change your parents and you are spoiling this time with your children by wasting energy on something you cannot change.

Go to the softplay places with your children and watch them have fun.

See a lot less of your parents and hopefully if they see them once every 6 weeks they will be a bit more enthusiastic for the 1 hour they are together.

Invest your energy in things you can change, not what you can't.

Wishing you well.

[Mumof3teenagers]

I get it op. My DM was very hands on with my DC’s when they were younger.I would have been lost without her as my DH worked away a lot.
DH’s parents on the other hand were the opposite. Never asked to see the kids. When we called there were looking at their watches, always had somewhere better to be. Talked at the kids, same few questions every time we visited but no real interest in them.
I always felt they lived in their own little bubble with no time for the grandkids or us. Never babysat, never called etc
So, I understand how you feel. It’s their loss, try not to be too angry about it, easier said than done.
Mine are older now and have a fabulous relationship with my DM, she earned and deserves that but rarely see DHs parents. They ask about them and love them but have no real connection with them.

[MrsDanversGlidesAgain]

Another thing I forgot to mention is their house is not the most child friendly

How absolutely shameful that two adults have their house as they want and like it and not set up as a permanent nursery. Some people's selfishness is unbelievable, isn't it? 🙄

[Mumof3teenagers]

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain

Another thing I forgot to mention is their house is not the most child friendly

How absolutely shameful that two adults have their house as they want and like it and not set up as a permanent nursery. Some people's selfishness is unbelievable, isn't it? 🙄

I don’t think op wants them to change their whole house but would like if they called to hers instead. OPs house would be child friendly but the grandparents can’t be arsed to visit.

[Lemme]

I haven’t read the thread but it looks like you’ve been given a hard time. It is very difficult having young children and it’s no surprise that you wish your parents would help more. But it’s their choice to do so and from what you say about your childhood it doesn’t sound as if kids are their thing. Many grand parents are similar and although it’s tough, there’s not much you can do about it if you have spoken with them about it kindly and they still aren’t willing to help. No point even getting bitter about it, sadly.

Spend your weekends doing things with your kids instead. Much better for the kids than hanging around uncaring grandparents with drink problems! Make new mum friends, you could set up a reciprocal babysitting arrangement or at least hang out with someone whose company you enjoy.

[coeurnoir]

If I was your parents I think I'd move a long way away and not give you the address.

[Dacadactyl]

@coeurnoir

If I was your parents I think I'd move a long way away and not give you the address.

Don't be ringing your kids when you're 85 and need some help then. They might just change their phone number.

[AnotherForumUser]

YABVU. The world and its inhabitants aren't there to revolve around your and your demands. Do you ever do anything for them? What do you do to help them? Or is it all one way with you demanding help from them? Maybe try seeing your parents as individuals with their own lives. That way your children will see them as people not indentured servants to jump when mummy says. That way you have a better chance of encouraging a good grandparent-grandchild relationship. As it is you are damaging these family relationships by your expectations and behaviour and I'd be encouraging your parents to move far away without a forwarding address.

[Cocobutt]

@BorderlineBagpuss

I think that all the comments saying the OP is unreasonable is a really selfish mindset and reflective of a society that values individualism above all else. In many cultures it would be horrifying for the grandparents to not take an interest in the grandchildren or want to help their children. Even if it isn’t a source of joy for the grandparents, I would have considered it a form of duty. But OP knows her parents are crap at parenting so she should save herself the heartache of disappointment and accept them for who they are.

I completely disagree.
I think it’s very selfish to expect your parents to babysit the children you have.

Having children is a choice.
If you choose to have them then you shouldn’t expect other people to look after them.

I have 1 child.
I chose not to have any more.
I would happily help her out with childcare if she had DCs in the future.

But it would be very selfish of her to expect me to have them on a regular basis when I work FT, have hobbies and can finally have some me time after years of looking after my DC.

She could choose to go on and have 8 kids and that would be way too much for me to cope with.
Likewise the ages that OP dumped her kids on her parents are very difficult ages for grandparents to cope with if they haven’t done it for years.

[Dacadactyl]

@AnotherForumUser Demands?!

The OP appears to have had one night out with her husband in 5 years.

[Cocobutt]

@Dacadactyl

Don't be ringing your kids when you're 85 and need some help then. They might just change their phone number.

So the years that they patented you means nothing?

Unless you are willing to look after their kids all of the time then they’re not allowed to ring you and ask for help when they’re old and frail, even though they raised you for years?

[MumOf2workOptions]

You "left their bags and told them straight they were babysitting"

No wonder they aren't very obliging you sound like you think the world owes you a living.

They are your children not their responsibility

[Dacadactyl]

@Cocobutt no, you are misunderstanding. The OP isn't saying "I wanna work full time and my parents are bang out of order for not minding the kids to facilitate that". She is saying they are disinterested in the kids and never offer to give her and her husband a break EVER.

I agree that that is their right. But a relationship is a 2 way street and I would feel much less obligated towards parents who can't be arsed to help me out now and again.