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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH organized nothing for tomorrow

346 replies

Nomothersdayforme · 18/03/2023 20:14

Just found out DH has not organised anything for tomorrow. He did this once before but it was just as Covid hit so I wasn’t too upset, hard to go into shops etc and Amazon deliveries all over the place. I’d mentioned something I’d like to him and DD. DS is too little to know. DD tried to advise DH on this and they ordered something totally awful online last week. DD let slip and I told her that maybe she and DH might want to swap it as she’d misinterpreted what I’d said… Said something to DH now about looking forward to what they’d chosen as an alternative once the misunderstanding had been cleared up and he told me they hadn’t got anything else. DD now crying as DH didn’t sort anything else. She is also too young to go to shops alone.

AIBU to think DH is crap? I always get him ace presents and bought gifts and cards for both my DM and his!

OP posts:
Spectre8 · 18/03/2023 23:30

Is it really a gift if you tell the person giving it exactly what you want... 🤔 perhaps a topic for a different thread

frami · 18/03/2023 23:48

'Never reject a gift from a child'
Wise words which I follow and which you would do well to heed OP.

I have been that child who's mother made her disatisfaction with things I bought her obvious and know what? I'm 60 and I have never forgotten her reaction.
I am stressed out anytime I need to buy her a gift (Christmas, birthday etc) and as a result the love that should be behind them has largely evaporated.

Don't be that Mum OP.

HonestFeedback · 18/03/2023 23:49

MargaretBall · 18/03/2023 22:58

OP, sorry, another thought ( your post has made me stop snd think a lot this evening). I expect it is too late for an alternative gift for your DD to give ( and for your DH to post MILs gift too ) so my final thought is that I would bring your DC out for brunch/ cake/ Macdonald's/ whatever , and have a mini Mother’s Day celebration with them. Tell your DD that this time with her is the best gift . This would go a long way to help your DD feel that she has made your day special. Re the issue of your DH, personally I would always encourage caution about making excuses or creating work arounds for other’s bad behaviour -in other words being the fixer - as your children get older toxic behaviour is harder to cover for and you become complicit . Of course I am mindful that this is a snapshot in your life and may not reflect your full relationship , your DH ( and you) may be suffering from overload rather than toxic traits. Focus on your children tomorrow then hit the reset button.

OK your husband hasn't put much effort in and you've taken it out unfairly on your daughter. Apologise to her and tell her you want to do an activity with her and make sure she feels you are thrilled with that. Just do what you would do if there was no husband in the equation.

Re the husband, does your response come from generally feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated? If so, find a way to make everyday life "fair" without needing presents to balance the scales. Stop doing anything you feel resentful about. I stopped buying presents for my husband's side of the family because I wasn't getting anything on my special occasions. As a result, at least half the time he doesn't get them anything and there is awkward displeasure towards him, but it's not my responsibility, that's on him if he wants to behave that way.

adriftinadenofvipers · 18/03/2023 23:51

frami · 18/03/2023 23:48

'Never reject a gift from a child'
Wise words which I follow and which you would do well to heed OP.

I have been that child who's mother made her disatisfaction with things I bought her obvious and know what? I'm 60 and I have never forgotten her reaction.
I am stressed out anytime I need to buy her a gift (Christmas, birthday etc) and as a result the love that should be behind them has largely evaporated.

Don't be that Mum OP.

Same here - taught myself to crochet. I was 9 years old and crocheted a hat for my new baby sibling-to-be, and hid it in my mum's things to take into hospital for when sister was born. Now, it was way too small and was never going to fit any baby, but I was devastated when my mum laughed and made fun of it. I don't think she had any idea how much that hurt.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/03/2023 23:54

Last year DH bought jokey type cards for DC to give me. Didn’t show it at the time but I was hurt as I always pick him cards with meaningful words.
however, afterwards, I severely took the piss about joke cards and the whole family has now taken this up. The older DC now take photos of cards dad might buy 🤣 Then I got him a joke card for Valentine’s Day-went down like a cup of cold sick…

have sorted my problem out!

sammyjoanne · 18/03/2023 23:54

I do feel sorry for DD. If they bought something you didnt like; misinterpreted or not, the thought is what counts, and you should have sucked it up and said thanks, thats lovely.

girljulian · 18/03/2023 23:54

Good grief. My mam will be getting a card and some chocolate, as she's got every Mother's Day for my entire life. It sounds like your real complaint is completely unrelated to Mother's Day, and is: "why have I married someone who can't remember that I'm allergic to x thing".

Foronenightonly22 · 18/03/2023 23:57

Seriously! My DH is crap at presents and I know how disappointing it is when you get nothing or something crap but that’s an awful lot of pressure to put on a little girl.

Bs0u416d · 19/03/2023 00:03

This reply has been deleted

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MoreSleepPleasee · 19/03/2023 00:04

I've just ordered myself a footspa. Order something nice for yourself op. Yanbu though.

Calmdown14 · 19/03/2023 00:12

Mother's day is about getting malteasers on toast served with a fruit shoot isn't it?

There are many occasions for your husband to buy you a gift. Complain if he doesn't help the kids make breakfast for you but it should be about what they can manage.

Is this about him being inconsiderate or are you expecting him to be good at gifts because you are?

Dee9409 · 19/03/2023 00:13

Get a grip, you’re the one who put so much pressure on your dd and upset her. She is going to struggle when people don’t meet her exact expectations for a gift when she’s older, also like another poster said Mother’s Day is what you make it, if anything you should say let’s all go out for dinner or something, stop being so narcissistic over nothing.

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 19/03/2023 00:17

Oh your poor daughter. I imagine she’s much more upset than you. Poor form!

OoooohMatron · 19/03/2023 00:20

It's not about expensive gifts and experiences for mothers day. It's a homemade card from DC and maybe a bunch of flowers surely? DH is cooking a nice roast and we might go for a walk.

OoooohMatron · 19/03/2023 00:24

frami · 18/03/2023 23:48

'Never reject a gift from a child'
Wise words which I follow and which you would do well to heed OP.

I have been that child who's mother made her disatisfaction with things I bought her obvious and know what? I'm 60 and I have never forgotten her reaction.
I am stressed out anytime I need to buy her a gift (Christmas, birthday etc) and as a result the love that should be behind them has largely evaporated.

Don't be that Mum OP.

I'm afraid she already is that mum. 😕

BeautifulWar · 19/03/2023 00:26

I don't know anyone who makes requests for gifts for mother's day, or father's day either for that matter!

Most people just accept their child's offering (whatever that might be) with a smile and a hug, you don't make them feel like shit for their efforts.

Rainallnight · 19/03/2023 00:26

You were really hard on your DD

Jazzabel · 19/03/2023 00:37

fyn · 18/03/2023 23:01

Another who loves a £1 bunch of daffodils. They brighten my day just as much as a £40 bunch, probably more so because a £40 bunch is such a waste of money!

I’d be happy with a £1 bunch of daffodils and a hug. I’d rather my daughters saved their money than spend it on Mothers day.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 19/03/2023 00:38

I don't really get the big deal with mothers day. I get my mum a card and flowers my EXH does likewise for me, from our kids. But if no card appeared, I wouldn't be upset.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 19/03/2023 00:49

Ok, I have only read the first page of your thread
@Nomothersdayforme and I would not have posted on this one normally, because I do try to go along with the adage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all".

However, I feel so sorry for your dear daughter, and so angry with you OP, that I just can't not say anything. Our children are - or at least should be - the most important things people in our lives. Their feelings and care, should be the most important things to us. To be so cross with your husband that you are willing to badly (yes, I do actually think it is badly) hurt your dear child's feelings 'on purpose' - in the same way as if you decide to drive your car after you have had a couple of large glasses of wine, you could be considered to have done so with the sole intention of injuring someone! In either situation, if someone ends up being hurt, then that is such a likely consequence of your actions, that it should be morally treated as an intention to cause damage. Of course drink driving is in a different category to what you did, I am just trying to show you why, in my opinion, you can't separate your actions from the result - the most important result here being how you made your DD feel awful. You could have easily moaned at your husband once your DD was asleep.

When I was little, I used to save up my pocket money and buy my dear Mum a little bottle of violet (lavendar) "perfume", every Mother's Day, I think it even came with a couple of plastic violet flowers! I presume my Dad was with me when I bought them. I didn't stop buying them until I was a teenager, and suddenly realised that there couldn't be a much worse present than violet perfume, and rather than the reason my mum gave me for keeping them unopened on her dressing table - that she loved them too much to use them - she didn't use them presumably because she didn't want to go around smelling of a lavender field! When the "penny dropped", I loved my amazing mum even more, because she never gave me even the slightest hint that she didn't like lavender perfume!

Most of all, I think that she probably did love them as a Mother's Day present, because they were from me, because I had saved up every year so that I could buy her something I thought she loved. This, IMO, is how you should be thinking of your DD's present to you. If you are ever lucky enough for her to want to give you another present, please let her decide what to get you, and never, ever, prompt her. If you had to moan at your husband, you should have made sure that your daughter would never find out about it. In this case it sounds like you almost cross questioned the poor little sweetheart.

Crumpledstilstkin · 19/03/2023 00:50

Are people here missing the point that it was literally something she's allergic too? That's not hard to avoid for someone you love and care about.

Anyway, this is all salvageable. Just tell your daughter not to worry, you'll go out for some special time together tomorrow and that's the best gift she could give you. Then tell you husband that in the context of a family who does go all out for these sort of occasions his lack of effort has made you feel deeply hurt and either you need to both lower the bar significantly or he needs to buck his ideas up sharpish before you take this as a sign of how little he cares about your feelings.

Only you know if this is just an example of a wider problem with his behaviour.

MysteryBelle · 19/03/2023 01:02

Your warranted frustration with dh kind of spilled over to your dd. I’d make it right with her tomorrow even though she cried as a result of dh, reassure her, and spend the day having fun. Make sure you thank her profusely because like pp said, she will never forget your negative reaction, unfortunately. It’s your dh at fault as you correctly said. I feel your pain, most of the time my dh is actually superb at gifts but in other areas he drives me nuts.

MysteryBelle · 19/03/2023 01:03

Crumpledstilstkin · 19/03/2023 00:50

Are people here missing the point that it was literally something she's allergic too? That's not hard to avoid for someone you love and care about.

Anyway, this is all salvageable. Just tell your daughter not to worry, you'll go out for some special time together tomorrow and that's the best gift she could give you. Then tell you husband that in the context of a family who does go all out for these sort of occasions his lack of effort has made you feel deeply hurt and either you need to both lower the bar significantly or he needs to buck his ideas up sharpish before you take this as a sign of how little he cares about your feelings.

Only you know if this is just an example of a wider problem with his behaviour.

Good points

Easternext · 19/03/2023 01:03

Congratulations you have made your young dd feel awful for picking the wrong colour or some rubbish like that well done you!! If you want a present of dh then tell him directly DONT tell a young child want to get you then moan when it's wrong!!!! It's mother's day dd picked or told dad wrong thing but either way you should never have told her.

MysteryBelle · 19/03/2023 01:04

@Easternext, I believe it was something op is allergic to and dh knew this but didn’t bother to care.