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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH organized nothing for tomorrow

346 replies

Nomothersdayforme · 18/03/2023 20:14

Just found out DH has not organised anything for tomorrow. He did this once before but it was just as Covid hit so I wasn’t too upset, hard to go into shops etc and Amazon deliveries all over the place. I’d mentioned something I’d like to him and DD. DS is too little to know. DD tried to advise DH on this and they ordered something totally awful online last week. DD let slip and I told her that maybe she and DH might want to swap it as she’d misinterpreted what I’d said… Said something to DH now about looking forward to what they’d chosen as an alternative once the misunderstanding had been cleared up and he told me they hadn’t got anything else. DD now crying as DH didn’t sort anything else. She is also too young to go to shops alone.

AIBU to think DH is crap? I always get him ace presents and bought gifts and cards for both my DM and his!

OP posts:
kirinm · 18/03/2023 22:31

Nomothersdayforme · 18/03/2023 22:30

DD is crying because DH didn’t swap the item he returned. She’s crying because there is nothing to give to me tomorrow. She was not upset last week when she realized/was told, in a nice way, that the gift wouldn’t work for me. She seemed quite keen to choose an alternative. DH did not facilitate this. Why does that make me the bad guy?

Why did you tell your DD to tell her dad anything at all? If you don't like it, tell him.

Starseeking · 18/03/2023 22:32

I used to go to loads of effort buying presents for family, including my then DP. Over time he got worse and worse at present buying for me, sometimes getting me nothing on birthdays etc. he couldn't be bothered. I stopped doing it in the end, it was just another thing that made me leave him (he's EXDP now).

Faradalla · 18/03/2023 22:32

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 18/03/2023 22:25

Imagine how you’d feel at her DDs age being shown that nothing you do is good enough. Check the stately homes threads. Lots of materialistic parents there who have had kids go no contact because of a childhood worth of stories just like this one…

Show quote history

See my previous post! I have perused the Stately Homes thread many, many times through the years for solidarity in my own experiences. I would never make such a projection about a child going NC with someone, especially someone I have never met. All parents mess up (myself included!) and I would find it so hurtful if someone surmised that my child might end up never speaking to me as adult as a result of one of my flaws.

PinkSyCo · 18/03/2023 22:32

Nomothersdayforme · 18/03/2023 22:21

@MargaretBall @Laptopneeded - thanks for seeing my point of view. I know not everyone celebrates like this but we do. Or did. Why not this year? Busy lives and laziness probably. But the point is, I would not have done this and always go to lots of effort to find something just right. How hard would it have been to order something else with next week/day delivery? Or stop at one of the multiple shops we walked past today? I definitely feel taken for granted. If the gift I got his mum - which is still sitting on the side as he hasn’t posted it, incidentally, was more my kind of thing, I would have kept it!

OP you are still blethering on about the gift. Are you not at all bothered that you made your young DD cry? Why couldn’t you have done the decent thing and hidden your disappointment from her?

Spectre8 · 18/03/2023 22:35

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/03/2023 22:19

I meant to add that she birthed his kids. She grew them for 9 months each, went through labour, nutured them, sacrificed her life and probably career to them and all she is worth is "That'll do"?

If you are happy to settle for that then ok, but those of us who know our worth are not.

At the very least, father's day will get exactly the same level of (non) effort.

Lol wtf! Noone held a gun to her head and forced her! She chose to have children to knowing all that it entails.

If you are happy to have children then your happy to deal with all the risks involved and limitations if may place on your career and so on.

And if you know your worth you wouldn't measure your worth by materialistic gifts

tachetastic · 18/03/2023 22:37

Maybe take her out tomorrow and find a way to let her "buy" you some chocolate, or go for lunch as a mum and daughter treat. It doesn't have to be expensive - a panini at Costa?

It sounds like the magic of Mothers Day is a little broken for her this year and it might need a jump start.

BadNomad · 18/03/2023 22:37

Your daughter is crying because you told her she got you the wrong gift so she tried to sort it but failed. She's blaming herself which is very unfair.

Get your daughter to make you breakfast and draw a crappy card tomorrow. Just so she can feel better about herself. Then you need to address your useless shitty husband separately. He didn't even get his own mother something, why would you trust him to get you something?

Luckypom · 18/03/2023 22:38

Nosleepforthismum · 18/03/2023 22:16

I thought it was common knowledge that both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were for receiving dodgy gifts from your kids! My poor parents received no end of crap from us when we were younger. Highlights that I can remember are: box of chocolates - half eaten, a rock found in the garden, a Pokémon t-shirt, frogspawn in a jar and a singing novelty tie. Each gift was pretended to be loved and adored and it’s something I can’t wait to do with my own kids.

You sound like you are taking the day a bit too seriously and it’s a cliché but the gifts are really not important.

This has cheered me up 😊 - great presents, I think I have one similar - used golf balls presented in an unwashed sock 🙈accepted by my passed father with the love they were intended ❤️

Cloudhoppingdancer · 18/03/2023 22:39

You've been far too prescriptive about exactly what you want. Your DD shouldn't be under that much pressure to get exactly the right thing. She needs to develop her generosity by thinking about what she thinks you would like and getting that. You are just teaching her that present giving is hoping to get the one thing that will please the person when she should be feeling that whatever she has decided you will like will be precious to you because it's from her.

Your DH shouldn't have stopped halfway through but I can understand why he ran out of motivation - you can't micro manage gift giving like this.

kirkandpetal · 18/03/2023 22:40

@Luckypom were the golf's balls in a sock because your dad liked golf, or was he being prepped for a stint in prison and getting 'tooled up'?! Love that wee anecdote!

CiaoBellisima · 18/03/2023 22:41

Flossiemoss · 18/03/2023 20:43

It doesn’t matter what gift your young dc get you - you look delighted with it.
you (presumably ) do not want to be remembered by your children as being awful to please with presents.

poor dd.

This is pretty much my thoughts as well.

Your poor DD.

Mumsanetta · 18/03/2023 22:41

@Nomothersdayforme i think it’s timw
your husband learned that you reap what you sow - do not put any effort into his Father’s Day gift or birthday present so that he gets the message loud and clear. If he still doesn’t make an effort after that then maybe it’s time to change your family approach to gifts so that only the kids get gifts and a fuss. If you want to go ahead and spoil your DH on Father’s Day and his birthday anyway then go ahead but don’t be a martyr about it and accept that you are also contributing to his lack of effort by not making a stand.

Theluggage15 · 18/03/2023 22:42

It’s pretty gross you think the present matters and have upset your daughter. I gave my mum some odd things and I received some strange things from my children but they were all given and received with love. You’ve missed the point of Mother’s Day.

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/03/2023 22:45

I feel sorry for your daughter.

RiktheButler · 18/03/2023 22:48

You've upset your daughter, constantly blamed your husband and ranted on about how perfect.your gift skills are.

Maybe you should actually read the thread and understand just how wrong you are

Your poor, poor daughter.

SheilaWilcox · 18/03/2023 22:49

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/03/2023 21:11

Fuck me. Its all too much this.

I've asked for a lie in and the chance to go to IKEA on my own for a change. Can't wait.

That sounds perfect. Enjoy your day.

GuiltyPleasure · 18/03/2023 22:49

Nomothersdayforme · 18/03/2023 22:30

DD is crying because DH didn’t swap the item he returned. She’s crying because there is nothing to give to me tomorrow. She was not upset last week when she realized/was told, in a nice way, that the gift wouldn’t work for me. She seemed quite keen to choose an alternative. DH did not facilitate this. Why does that make me the bad guy?

Because you've caused this!!
You've made DD feel responsible for not giving you the gift you feel you deserve. The suitability of the gift, what you spend on your MIL, the monetary value of any of it is irrelevant. You've upset your DD because of your attitude & you need to remedy that. No child should feel disappointed and upset because they haven't lived up to what their parent thinks they're entitled to. If you've got an issue (& yes I do think it was thoughtless to by a piece of jewellery he knows you're allergic to) but that's not something to put on your child.

MissGroves · 18/03/2023 22:49

GiltEdges · 18/03/2023 20:26

For your DDs sake I'd have accepted the first choice gift with good grace and waited until after Mother's Day to ask DH to exchange it.

Show quote history

This! Yes you are disappointed that your DH hasn't organized something (or he has but it isn't to your liking), was there really any need to upset your DD? You should have accepted gracefully and thanked her and then when the day was over, she was in bed you could have spoken to DH and arranged to change it. I am really sorry but no sympathy for you but I do for your child.

TeenLifeMum · 18/03/2023 22:52

Dh is gutted the gift he ordered, chosen by our dc, hasn’t arrived (we’ve had no post since Tuesday - seems to be local post staffing issues) but I never really expect gifts. I like a card, family day and nice meal cooked by anyone but me. If dc chose something inappropriate I’d have spoken to dh to sort or just graciously accept. This did happen once, years ago - I asked for an iPod for my birthday (not Mother’s Day) but dh got me a cheap MP3 player instead for Mother’s Day. I was like huh? Dc had no idea as they were little. I did appreciate dh trying and was apologetic but we returned it and I got an iPod later that year.

Cornchip · 18/03/2023 22:53

Nomothersdayforme · 18/03/2023 22:30

DD is crying because DH didn’t swap the item he returned. She’s crying because there is nothing to give to me tomorrow. She was not upset last week when she realized/was told, in a nice way, that the gift wouldn’t work for me. She seemed quite keen to choose an alternative. DH did not facilitate this. Why does that make me the bad guy?

You’re the bad guy because you’ve upset your child over something your partner did.

All you had to do was talk to your partner privately and keep her entirely out of it. If he didn’t get you anything in the end, you pretend you’re fine with it in front of her and then give off to him when she’s gone to bed.

Honestly, you sound like such hard work. Creating a thread to bitch and whine because you didn’t get a nice enough present before the day is even here.

A lot of mums won’t get anything. A lot of mums will be working tomorrow (myself included). Yet you’re giving off because the gift that was bought for you last week wasn’t nice enough and after being so rude about it you’re upset because another gift hasn’t been provided.

Just a question, though. What’s wrong with “just” receiving a card and a box of chocolates? A bunch of flowers or flowers in a little pot for the garden? A silly little teddy your child picked out for you?

The whole thing is really weird.

GoodnightJude1 · 18/03/2023 22:53

My DD (when she was 5) chose a Father Christmas mug for me for Mother’s Day….

I still have it and I love it because she chose it.

I can think of much better things to get worked up about.

RedToothBrush · 18/03/2023 22:54

Nomothersdayforme · 18/03/2023 22:30

DD is crying because DH didn’t swap the item he returned. She’s crying because there is nothing to give to me tomorrow. She was not upset last week when she realized/was told, in a nice way, that the gift wouldn’t work for me. She seemed quite keen to choose an alternative. DH did not facilitate this. Why does that make me the bad guy?

Because you are continuing to make her the one stuck in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship due to your petty argument that requires your DH to prove his love via providing materialistic tat on a day which has become a marketing opportunity to flog to insecure women who can't communicate with their partners in an adult fashion.

She is crying because you are selfish and refuse to keep your argument between you and your husband.

HTH.

Spectre8 · 18/03/2023 22:54

And why are you buying his mum mother day gift. If he doesn't do it then its up to his mum to have words with him and pull him for it.

This is why women end up coming on here complaining they do everything, cos they don't put suitable boundaries in place and instead just do it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/03/2023 22:54

@Sodullincomparison I do the same for Xmas with dd almost 6- we go to the poundshop and she buys her big sis (my step daughter) in her 30's and her dad 5 things that she chooses and have done since she was 2

Dsd says they are always her fav pressies

Previous pressies have been

Tissues as had heart on them
Candyfloss as knows she likes it
Washing up liquid coz a unicorn on it
Pen as pink

Let us know what you got brought

ChrisPPancake · 18/03/2023 22:55

You sound like a nightmare.

You need to buy your own gift if you have such particular tastes.