DH organized nothing for tomorrow

[Nomothersdayforme]

Just found out DH has not organised anything for tomorrow. He did this once before but it was just as Covid hit so I wasn’t too upset, hard to go into shops etc and Amazon deliveries all over the place. I’d mentioned something I’d like to him and DD. DS is too little to know. DD tried to advise DH on this and they ordered something totally awful online last week. DD let slip and I told her that maybe she and DH might want to swap it as she’d misinterpreted what I’d said… Said something to DH now about looking forward to what they’d chosen as an alternative once the misunderstanding had been cleared up and he told me they hadn’t got anything else. DD now crying as DH didn’t sort anything else. She is also too young to go to shops alone.

AIBU to think DH is crap? I always get him ace presents and bought gifts and cards for both my DM and his!

I now want to read your take on every single mum's net thread.

Super interesting perspective. I wish had the ability to process my own life like this.

They did organise something......you chose to be a tit over it.

You seriously need to perfect the art of appreciating their efforts because that's a shocking way to treat a child.

Oh dear @Nomothersdayforme just because you are not getting the gift you wanted doesn’t mean that there would have been no Mother’s Day for you. It really is a spoilt way to act when you could have enjoyed the day with your children, it’s not just about getting a gift.

This will stick in your daughters memory, I do think you need to rectify the way you have acted. You could have reassured her when she became upset. And if you feel unappreciated spoken to your husband in private.

Hope you can enjoy tomorrow

I think you're getting a harsh time, OP. I'm saying that as someone who saved up for a heart locket for my mum from Argos or H Samuel when I was a child and spent ages just imaging the look on her face when she opened it. Her response was 'oh, I don't wear things with hearts on them'. I was 11 and never forgot it.

However, I can see that the underlying issue is with your husband, that your allergy didn't cross his mind and he never thought to get you a gift you could actually use. A few years ago, my husband got me a voucher for something that everyone knows I hate. It was obviously purchased last minute but it was so unsuitable that even people I only vaguely knew at work said 'but don't you hate x?' when I told them what I'd got. I'm not materialistic or into gifts but sometimes they reveal something about the person giving the gift. As someone whontries to carefully pick gifts that I know will bring joy to the other person, it hurts when others don't do the same. People say 'it's the thought that counts' but often a gift is given with no thought at all. It's the lack of thought that can make these things feel hurtful, not some kind of materialistic greed for things. I can see why your daughter was upset but it might have been best to not mention anything to her andhave it out with your husband instead. I don't feel like she needed to have been part of the conversation. Yes, your husband is the one in the wrong but I think you should have taken one for the team and not let her know about the problem. This is you and husband issue, at the heart of it. Dd should be left out of it.

I am sorry that I have to point this out, but clearly the hard of thinking need this, it isnt about gifts or cards or being "treated". Its about respect and love.

it's you who is being hard of thinking here. It is a bit shit that the present wasn't what OP wanted. But to tell her DD that? it's totally shit and OP should hang her head in shame.

YY to modelling good behaviour and how to treat people, but FFS. She made her daughter cry by not being able to suck it up for one day then quietly suggesting to DH to change it? And then telling him to be better? Too hard for her?

Where's the respect and love for her DDs feelings?

I meant to add that she birthed his kids. She grew them for 9 months each, went through labour, nutured them, sacrificed her life and probably career to them and all she is worth is "That'll do"?

If you are happy to settle for that then ok, but those of us who know our worth are not.

At the very least, father's day will get exactly the same level of (non) effort.

This! She’s learning so little that nothing anyone does it good enough for her Mum, sadly. Probs be on here going NC in 20 years!

@Runningonjammiedodgers

Indeed.

It's why I've offered myself up to the baying mob occasionally just in case in amongst the swine swill a pearl shines through 😂

I kind of agree with this, what I would have done in your position @Nomothersdayforme is accept the gift graciously tomorrow, and then tell your husband on the quiet that you're allergic and can be return and get something different!!

I know some people do things differently, but I thought flowers was a pretty standard gift for MD?

@MargaretBall @Laptopneeded - thanks for seeing my point of view. I know not everyone celebrates like this but we do. Or did. Why not this year? Busy lives and laziness probably. But the point is, I would not have done this and always go to lots of effort to find something just right. How hard would it have been to order something else with next week/day delivery? Or stop at one of the multiple shops we walked past today? I definitely feel taken for granted. If the gift I got his mum - which is still sitting on the side as he hasn’t posted it, incidentally, was more my kind of thing, I would have kept it!

Agreed - which is it?

She (presumably) chose to do those things! Kids didn’t ask to be here, they don’t owe us presents for birthing them FFS. It’s Mother’s Day, not “appreciate your wife/kids mum” day. Token of appreciation from your kids, home made drawing or message, coffee/breakfast in bed, teach kids to show appreciation. Not necessarily in materialistic ways.

MargaretBall
That's such a interesting take on it, and possibly why some of us find it difficult to relate because we don't equate gift giving and money with love and appreciation.

But even with the idea of valuing gift giving as an expression of love, it still seems really rude and mean to tell a child they need to do better and go sort something better out. That's not about having a different love language. It's just mean and bratty.

Why did you have to make it your daughter's fault?
Instead of just telling DH and leave her out of it? Unless she's like aged 18 or something.

You are overreacting. It’s Mothers Day, not your final supper. Don’t put so much thought on actual gifts. Have a nice relaxing day being waited on if possible with the little ones that made you a Mum.

@Faradalla

Ouch. That's so incredibly hurtful.
That's dreadful.

That's a horrible thing to say. Going NC is a very painful thing to be driven to and OP's clumsy handling of this situation doesn't mean her daughter will cut her out of her life in the future. This is really uncalled for.

In a healthy relationship , I would expect DH in this situation to absolutely have taken the DC aside , said he’d made a silly mistake and helped DC select a new gift and the issue could have been resolved leaving everyone happy. Instead the OP is left looking like the bad guy

alternatively, in a healthy mother-child relationship OP would have plastered on a smile, thanked her DD for the gift then arranged with DH to get it changed for something more suitable? Yes her DH should have been better, but OPs actions and inability to suck up one bad gift has left her DD crying.

Imagine how you’d feel at her DDs age being shown that nothing you do is good enough. Check the stately homes threads. Lots of materialistic parents there who have had kids go no contact because of a childhood worth of stories just like this one…

Yes, I never forgot it. If my kids gave me jewellery I didn't like, I would pretend to like it, wear it a bit and slowly fade it out or make an excuse that I wanted to keep it safe so they could have it when they were older, etc.

Op do your best to make your dd feel OK tomorrow.
She's probably nervous now and it's been made into this huge thing.

Ask your dh to model making an effort in future and tell him to assist you will stop remembering and buying for his own mum. He can also buy separate gifts for his children.

Just tell your DC you would prefer a bunch of flowers and leaves from the garden picked by them. No need to make it such a big materialistic occasion.

I honestly don't get the drama and wanting some huge special thing, I would always just want DH to help DC choose a box of chocolate and a little bunch of flowers, or help make a card. Then give me a break and a lie in! That's it. It's not a birthday. No need for specific gifts you've dropped hints you want and getting disappointed if they misinterpreted

I get you feel disappointed in your husband. But you could have kept quiet in front of your daughter and told your husband later. You choose not to take the high ground; instead you complained in front of your girl who is now devastated. Shame on you.

DD is crying because DH didn’t swap the item he returned. She’s crying because there is nothing to give to me tomorrow. She was not upset last week when she realized/was told, in a nice way, that the gift wouldn’t work for me. She seemed quite keen to choose an alternative. DH did not facilitate this. Why does that make me the bad guy?