DH organized nothing for tomorrow

[Nomothersdayforme]

Just found out DH has not organised anything for tomorrow. He did this once before but it was just as Covid hit so I wasn’t too upset, hard to go into shops etc and Amazon deliveries all over the place. I’d mentioned something I’d like to him and DD. DS is too little to know. DD tried to advise DH on this and they ordered something totally awful online last week. DD let slip and I told her that maybe she and DH might want to swap it as she’d misinterpreted what I’d said… Said something to DH now about looking forward to what they’d chosen as an alternative once the misunderstanding had been cleared up and he told me they hadn’t got anything else. DD now crying as DH didn’t sort anything else. She is also too young to go to shops alone.

AIBU to think DH is crap? I always get him ace presents and bought gifts and cards for both my DM and his!

I get being annoyed at your husband if you generally go big on occasions.
I would have not involved my daughter and just exchanged it on the quiet, given how upset she sounds.

I get the feeling of disappointment from DH over the lack of effort and really you are within your rights to be annoyed with him. Your poor DD though she has no control over this. What happened to soggy cornflakes in bed presented by our children with a loving kind smile and hug and a hand made card. You are not his mother and so IMO gifts should be accepted as age appropriate from the giver (the child)!

Op.

It doesn't make you the bad guy.

There is a certain cohort on here who love posts like this so they can have fun and pick it apart. Sometimes on less emotive subjects it's amusing but sometimes it goes too far.

Or perhaps it is a case of basic comprehensive skills and inference? Someone did post on here a while ago the test.

Stop putting effort into Father’s Day and presents for his family then. No wonder he doesn’t try hard if he never has to think about it. I could understand if it was your birthday but for mother’s day I wouldn’t expect anything more than a card or maybe a small gift like flowers or a box of chocolates.

OP, sorry, another thought ( your post has made me stop snd think a lot this evening). I expect it is too late for an alternative gift for your DD to give ( and for your DH to post MILs gift too ) so my final thought is that I would bring your DC out for brunch/ cake/ Macdonald's/ whatever , and have a mini Mother’s Day celebration with them. Tell your DD that this time with her is the best gift . This would go a long way to help your DD feel that she has made your day special. Re the issue of your DH, personally I would always encourage caution about making excuses or creating work arounds for other’s bad behaviour -in other words being the fixer - as your children get older toxic behaviour is harder to cover for and you become complicit . Of course I am mindful that this is a snapshot in your life and may not reflect your full relationship , your DH ( and you) may be suffering from overload rather than toxic traits. Focus on your children tomorrow then hit the reset button.

You are, without question, responsible for your child's emotional reaction to this. No matter which way you wish to skew the narrative, you have clearly caused the upset here. And to be so condescending to those mothers who may receive flowers or breakfast in bed or a handmade card ( or a lovingly picked leaf from a tree) or indeed nothing is absolutely hilarious. I always deeply pity those people who give such significance to Hallmark holidays with grand gestures. I bet you post it on all on social media too? I've invariably found the people that do this are the most unhappy. Just saying.

Can’t say I’m that bothered about Mother’s Day myself. My hubby is a bit useless at stuff like this and she told me she only started to get any gifts after he married me!! (She has 3 children!). My hubby is absolutely lovely and kind and sweet but useless at anything to do with things like this. It just gets filed in the ‘stuff’ part of his brain that never gets sorted. I’d have just taken the gift and said thanks guys (and then asked him for the receipt later!)

She is upset because her FATHER hasn't replaced the gift as agreed and her FATHER allowed her to choose something unsuitable in the first place

Her mother's "fault" is being allergic to something for over 25 years and expecting her husband to have the avaliable braincells to steer the child in the right direction

For example My kids want to buy me a cake the youngest has sen and can't process the fact that I'm gluten intolerant his brother (because their dad is shit) tells him no bro mom can't eat food from here we need to look for food thats "free from" look for the purple sign on the aisle that is how things are done its easy its simple its NOT what happened with OP

Another who loves a £1 bunch of daffodils. They brighten my day just as much as a £40 bunch, probably more so because a £40 bunch is such a waste of money!

Wow - mother's day doesn't mean you are entitled to a gift.
And your DD tried and you've upset her instead of being gracious.

Mother's day is spending time together if able, with potentially a card thrown in. Happier still with a cuddle and a 'happy mother's day mum' - some don't get that option

Yeah that’s fair enough, and tbh if the OP was even slightly self aware or showing a little bit of understanding as to how HER behaviour has impacted her child she would probably be getting an easier time of it on this thread. All parents mess up, I 100% agree with you - the good parents though can reflect and apologise and help their child through their mess ups. And in my experience those are the parents who go on to have meaningful adult relationships with their children. But you are right, I don’t know the OP and this might be a one-off occurrence. Based on the blatant materialistic attitude and sense of nothing being good enough though, I doubt it, as do many others reading this.

This (more eloquently put than me)

It’s Mother’s Day, not “appreciate your wife/kids mum” day.

Exactly. It's not down to one's partner to buy an expensive present. On MD and FD the other parent's role is to take the child/ren to the shops with their pocket money or a small amount of money given to them for the purpose, to choose and buy their own small gift for the other parent. Which is given on the day as a surprise. I don't understand how OP even injure what her gift was last week.

I don't understand how OP even KNEW what her gift was last week. Ugh

Because she's equating love with materialism.

Lol he loved golf and I had collected the used ones on a dog walk with my mom - she asked me if I wanted help to wrap them as I couldn’t use scissors on my own, I told her excitedly that no I would like to do it. Hence my dads sock from the laundry basket and felt pens 😂 - long explanation sorry but missing my dad. He was very happy with golf balls, probably less so with the sock 😊

Perfect summary

This is spot on.

She's crying as you have place undue pressure on her. You and your DH's lack of communication, and your focus on the material. shouldn't be impacting her.

I am one of those mothers who is very happy with a handmade card and daffodils from the garden. I'm not a martyr by any means, I just don't need grand gestures to know that they love me, and I them.

I hope that tomorrow you can find a way to make your DD happy, and can resolve to be happy with what you do receive, even if it is a handmade card and some cheap flowers which if given by your DC should be the most special thing.

I feel very sorry for your DD... she did not deserve your rejection of her gift, no matter how unsuitable or how distasteful it was to you. You have messed up, not her, and even if your Dh is useless... YOU have upset her.

I hope you can make tomorrow about making her feel lucky to have her Mum and not sad that she disappointed you.

FWIW my family don't 'do' Mother's day (or any other Hallmark card day) .. occasionally one would remember and make me a card.

My absolute favourite..and the one I've kept was a handmade card from my teenage son, aged about 18. He'd been a truly awful teenager and was just emerging as a nice human at the other end, and he wrote a poem about mother's...
The last line being 'Thank Fuck you're mine'. That (despite the swearing) meant so much, because it was heartfelt ! And that's what it should be...not dutiful gifts, but being loved.

Why not just ask for a gift card from your favorite store?
It always seems to me that if I have to tell you what to get for me , you might as well give me a gift card to ensure that I get exactly what I want

I hate anyone asking me what do I want. I don't know how much you were planning to spend, and it is always awkward . I am not really into commercial holidays and birthdays except for children.

My stock answer to "what would you like for X day is I would like world peace." I am going to appreciate whatever is given and be perfectly happy if nothing is given. I give gifts to others because I don't necessarily expect them to share my feelings about commercial holidays, but once they are teenagers and beyond, I give gift cards. No one seems to be unhappy with a gift card Some people say that they would prefer something that you put thought into, but I think that a gift card says " I put enough thought into the gift to want to ensure that you can get exactly what you wanted."

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That would be my suggestion too. He reaps what he sows. Pick nice gifts for yourself from here on. Don't worry about him.

Meantime try to have, as suggested upthread, something nice with your daughter tomorrow.
Something small that gives her a chance to feel better about the day.

Some years ago I went to pottery classes. For Mother's day I made my mother a planter, it wasn't perfect but I was kind of proud of it.

I wrapped it and gave it to her when we were all together as a family at my sister's. She took it from me, and put it on the floor and didn't bother unwrapping it. My dad asked if she was going to unwrap and she said offhandedly that she unwrap it later at home.

It hurt like hell and I went to the bathroom and wept. I was nearly 40 years old and it still hurts. I would never ever treat my daughter like this...you need to think how to make this right because she will remember .

That would be my suggestion too. He reaps what he sows. Pick nice gifts for yourself from here on. Don't worry about him.

Sorry, but where does the child come into this @RachelGreeneGreep ? Is she going to be made to buy another crap present, that this time will make her dad annoyed, so she'll cry again?

What the actual fuck is wrong with some people on this thread? I feel so sorry for their kids. I really do.

Your DD misheard or misinterpreted, is what you put in the OP. So regardless of whether you're blaming your DH for this or not, your DD will be blaming herself that the wrong present was bought in the first place, that she told you about the wrong present and that now you have no present.
What you should have done was let her give you the original present. You say how lovely, thoughtful, etc, then can point out in a disappointed way that it doesn't work for your allergies and you and DD choose something more appropriate together. But tbh I don't believe anyone with a DD old enough to be this involved in present buying can be such a selfish arse about a Mother's Day gift.