So upset. DP called DD this

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You're having a really tough day 😢

In common with most other posters, I agree that DP did not do anything hugely wrong. It might have been preferable to handle the situation better but he wasn't wrong.

For today, just get through this evening. Calm DD. Get some rest. When you are better you can discuss with DP, and you can consider any underlying issues with DD 💐

Of course she senses something is wrong. I knew at 8 something was terribly wrong at home but I didn't have the experience or language to talk about it so my feelings came out in other ways. If my child acted like that out of character then I wld be worried about their emotional welfare and work it out with them. Unlike what it acceptable in your home which is shutting children down, making them suppress their feelings and verbally insulting them - maybe that explains behavioural problems.

Don't bother replying. I won't be looking at this thread again. I'm not interested in debating with such awful people.

I agree with DP. Sorry

I don’t know if this is usual for an 8 year old? I imagined some children would be trying to look after their mum if she was unwell etc. but it’s like nothing is happening.

She’s 8, she can’t possibly understand the impact of miscarriage on you, even in telling her you’re unwell she won’t understand what that means. It’s not her job to look after you, and it’s unfair to expect that of her. I’d expect her to be able to express her disappointment and to be distracted into something else but understanding or empathy for adult concerns isn’t appropriate for a small child.

I reckon you have kids but not yet an eight year old. Most eight year olds do not act in a violent way due to being told no. They don't have hysterics. The problem here is not her feelings but how she expresses her. You, @Angelik however are so far off being able to claim the moral high ground by calling the OP's partner "some boyfriend", why would you be so dismissive?

Sorry for your loss OP, I don't think your DP is the problem here, he didn't say anything dreadful. Be kind to yourself.

I mean this in the gentlest way.

But why do you believe if you can keep it together, he shouldX

You have both been through something awful. But you aren’t in the same position. The woman he loves has been through something awful and he is trying look after you. And saw what’s was happening and reacted poorly. Not terribly but not great.

and she isn’t his child. He doesn’t have the connection or experience with her that you do.

You are both different people. This situation is awful for you both but it’s different for both you. Dealing with your dd is different for both for you because of your starting points, different ideas on how to handle things, different experience levels z He shouldn’t have done it, but I don’t think it’s something you can’t come back from.

He didn't hit her, he didn't swear at her, he didn't say he didn't like her, he just told her she was a spoilt little brat. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't but she certainly was behaving like one. I don't think a reality check will do her any harm, what will cause a problem is if you take her side in this, back him up and tell her it isn't acceptable and if she doesn't want people to think she's a spoilt little brat she needs to stop behaving like one.

I hope you are OK, it is a horrible thing to go through.

someone told me that the highest cause of abuse in the home is step parents. i unfortunately found out this was true.

i am on your daughters side 100%. i'm sorry that you're having a miscarriage and that she's also losing a baby sibling - that's so difficult.

I don't think your standards for him are unrealistic @peachesandcreamz , he's not her dad so he needs to back off.

Having said that, I think he was trying to be supportive of you by standing up for you.

I do think it's worth having DD assessed for SEN. (If this isn't a one-off.) I don't think the average 8 year old would have a violent meltdown over baking.

She might just really like baking I guess.

YANBU.

We can’t expect a child to be able to manage her emotions perfectly let alone when there’s undoubtedly an atmosphere at home with the miscarriage.

He is not her parent.

that she's also losing a baby sibling - that's so difficult.

Talk about hyperbole. It's awful for OP & her DP. Her 8 yo DD is unaware of the mc & sad as it is, she is not losing a baby sibling. That's really offensive to those who actually have.

I agree. My just turned 7 year old is the most empathetic of all of us. It's not an excuse. There maybe a reason though. Divorced/separated parents, atmosphere in the home, mums new partner.

He probably does have a short fuse. You are being too protective to think she can do this and no one will be suprised or mortified for you. People make mistakes. She's in his life now, you've chosen that so it's not really a ltb type thing. Plus does he have experience of children?

She may be autistic, but it sounds like you’re very soft on her which can’t be helping the behavioural issues

my dsis was ill recently (notmc) and my eight year old niece quietly played by herself and kept going to my dsis are you ok do u feel better

theyre perfectly capable of understanding

Sounds like she is a spoilt brat

In two words your DP has insulted both your child (“brat”) and your parenting (“spoilt”), which he needs to learn are cardinal sins.

But he was quite right in what he said, I’d’ve probably gone further.

And he couldn’t bake with her or do something else with her why?
Because he wasn't there. Op was talking to him on the phone - the one she knocked out of op'shand.

You don’t deescalate a child that’s lost their shit by also losing your shit. That’s just fucking basic. It teaches them nothing
Nobody does perfect parenting 100% of the time especially in a situation when a miscarriage involved and emotions are high.

NO the OP was talking to the child's father on the phone. She has clearly said that her DP is not the girl's father.

This is a great reply....I think people on here are being pretty harsh about your daughter to be fair....

I don't think your DP was doing anything that awful considering the circumstances (unless there is more to your story) but people are forgetting that your daughter is probably feeling unsettled by the atmosphere....you feeling upset, being unwell, it will be worrying for her even if she isn't showing it through sympathy.

She is just venting....we all get angry sometimes when we are disappointed or stressed about something.

No - she was phoning the child's dad for help and her dp is not the child's father.

Obviously your DD is out of order, how has your day been, has she seen you in pain and weepy all day and is maybe a bit scared, confused as to what's going on and is displaying it in this way.

I wound not have a boyfriend disciplining my child as a general rule. I may excuse the name calling in this instance, as the miscarriage is his loss too.

I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more

I would need to know what happened when he was more riled up ?

I would be divided on wether to ask him to leave or not due to the miscarriage. I believe your child should always take priority and it's her home, not his. If they were better having some space it should be him to leave. But I don't think it ideal for her to watch you suffer and it is your boyfriends baby as well so if you want him there, it's a tough one.

It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

well, you weren't handling it were you? How can you let her behave like that, and then say your DP wasn't to tell her off? DP if you're reading: you're better off out of this. The bratty behaviour won't stop, her mum isn't doing anything to stop it and apparently you just have to put up with it.

Going against the grain but unless your partner has been around a long time and established as a step dad figure then it’s not his place to parent your daughter and certainly not to call a child names. This would be a red flag for me.

My seven year old with autism is actually the most empathetic child out of my three so I hate the automatic response of maybe it's asd. If I was unwell he would be a little trooper. She absolutely DID behave like a little brat. This isn't normal behaviour for an eight year old. I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. Maybe she could do a few overnights with her dad while you are recovering.