AIBU?
So upset. DP called DD this
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 18:38
Hello,
For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.
DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).
DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.
Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.
I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2023 11:05
Except it's fairly obvious that the posters seizing the opportunity to slag someone's kid off are just the type of people who actively enjoy kicking a woman while she's down. Pretty common on here unfortunately.
Nope, wrong again. You can't speak for other people's motives. She asked if she was unreasonable. People aren't automatically getting sick pleasure out of upsetting her if their answer is yes.
aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2023 11:17
AllOfThemWitches · 20/03/2023 11:07
Nope, wrong again
Lol. Nah, people on here can be dicks.
Ah I see, every time someone answers yes to the question AIBU, they are just trying to be hurtful, because everyone knows the point of AIBU is to only answer if you agree with the OP, and not specifically to get an idea of how many agree with you and how many don't.
I stand corrected.
potniatheron · 20/03/2023 11:23
aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2023 10:44
This exactly it. Very wise post. Can't believe people here are supporting the boyfriend in his outburst and advocating that a distressed child be further frozen out from the family by being portrayed as a black sheep.
Nobody's advocating that, stop projecting and misrepresenting what people have said.
They're saying the atmosphere she was picking up on was not justification for acting terribly and she deserved to be told off. Not "further frozen out from the family", that's just emotive nonsense.
But that is how it will be experienced by the child.
AllOfThemWitches · 20/03/2023 11:32
aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2023 11:17
Ah I see, every time someone answers yes to the question AIBU, they are just trying to be hurtful, because everyone knows the point of AIBU is to only answer if you agree with the OP, and not specifically to get an idea of how many agree with you and how many don't.
I stand corrected.
AllOfThemWitches · 20/03/2023 11:07
Nope, wrong again
Lol. Nah, people on here can be dicks.
Haha everyone knows aibu is a fucking cesspool, nice try though
jannier · 20/03/2023 11:53
AllOfThemWitches · 20/03/2023 08:32
The DP in this case was dealing with the loss of his baby
More importantly, OP was dealing with the loss of her pregnancy, her little daughter clearly picked up on something (I mean, why wouldn't she, her mum was upset) and all he did was make everything worse when a bit of understand would have made all the difference.
A bit of understanding of his feelings would be good wouldn't it? And at 8 we should have some regulation that stops us being violent ....throwing is violent begaviour
potniatheron · 20/03/2023 11:59
aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2023 11:39
But that is how it will be experienced by the child.
Is that the case every time a child is told off when they misbehave? Should we never do it because it makes them the "black sheep"?
No of course not but in this specific situation what I can glean is that a young child has been seriously unsettled by her mother's MC and there is a man, who is not her father, shouting at her. This man also is reluctant to do things with the child and has a short fuse with her to the extent that he feels the need to vent by text to her mother.
potniatheron · 20/03/2023 12:00
aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2023 11:39
But that is how it will be experienced by the child.
Is that the case every time a child is told off when they misbehave? Should we never do it because it makes them the "black sheep"?
The other thing I would add is that there is a difference between 'telling off' a child, which when done properly involves stopping the bad behaviour, explaining why the behaviour is wrong a modelling a better future response - and shouting at that child that they are a spoilt brat.
AllOfThemWitches · 20/03/2023 12:11
A bit of understanding of his feelings would be good wouldn't it? And at 8 we should have some regulation that stops us being violent ....throwing is violent begaviour
A bit of understanding about his feelings but a complete lack of when it comes to an 8yo girl. Figures.
beastlyslumber · 20/03/2023 12:46
MavisMcMinty · 20/03/2023 10:59
Brat definition:
(informal, disapproving) a person, especially a child, who behaves badly.
Sweet zombie Jebus, “brat” seems an appropriate word in the circumstances, and I’d’ve probably used a few other appropriate words.
Funny how the man in this scenario is forgiven for being emotionally incontinent but the little girl has to be blamed and name called. It's just misogyny.
MavisMcMinty · 20/03/2023 14:45
beastlyslumber · 20/03/2023 12:46
Funny how the man in this scenario is forgiven for being emotionally incontinent but the little girl has to be blamed and name called. It's just misogyny.
MavisMcMinty · 20/03/2023 10:59
Brat definition:
(informal, disapproving) a person, especially a child, who behaves badly.
Sweet zombie Jebus, “brat” seems an appropriate word in the circumstances, and I’d’ve probably used a few other appropriate words.
Meh. The profoundest thing I’ve read so far on MN is that children are like farts, only one’s own are vaguely tolerable.
beastlyslumber · 20/03/2023 16:03
MavisMcMinty · 20/03/2023 14:45
Meh. The profoundest thing I’ve read so far on MN is that children are like farts, only one’s own are vaguely tolerable.
beastlyslumber · 20/03/2023 12:46
Funny how the man in this scenario is forgiven for being emotionally incontinent but the little girl has to be blamed and name called. It's just misogyny.
MavisMcMinty · 20/03/2023 10:59
Brat definition:
(informal, disapproving) a person, especially a child, who behaves badly.
Sweet zombie Jebus, “brat” seems an appropriate word in the circumstances, and I’d’ve probably used a few other appropriate words.
Wow. What a nasty thing to say.
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 20/03/2023 17:09
potniatheron · 20/03/2023 10:33
This exactly it. Very wise post. Can't believe people here are supporting the boyfriend in his outburst and advocating that a distressed child be further frozen out from the family by being portrayed as a black sheep.
YouSoundLovely · 18/03/2023 19:54
Absolutely agree with Angelik, and am quite disturbed by the viciousness so many posters are showing towards this little girl (and yes, 8 is still a little girl), tbh.
What people who are tearing her apart over her 'tantrum' 'over baking' are missing is that she's not reacting like this over baking. She'll know something's up. She'll know it's not just a 'tummy ache', but obviously nobody's telling her anything. She'll know her mother's upset. She'll be feeling tension and fears she can't have any words for. It's also an added stress for her to have her mother's boyfriend (and that's what he is at this stage, not a stepfather or anything like it - and therefore it is not his place to parent her) in her home when she's feeling her world rocked like this.
I wouldn't be impressed with a man who couldn't understand that an 8yo trying to navigate an atmosphere of mystery upset and sadness doesn't have access to adult outlets for her feelings and lashed out at her with something so vicious. It wouldn't bode well for his qualities as a father.
Agreed.
A lot of people are also saying that the OP's boyfriend is grieving and so can behave as badly as he likes. We have no idea what his feelings are about the OP's miscarriage. Given their living circumstances and the fact that the OP's daughter is clearly upset about some aspects of the situation, and the fact that this was not a planned pregnancy, we can't necessarily jump to any conclusions about his feelings.
aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2023 17:14
A lot of people are also saying that the OP's boyfriend is grieving and so can behave as badly as he likes. We have no idea what his feelings are about the OP's miscarriage. Given their living circumstances and the fact that the OP's daughter is clearly upset about some aspects of the situation, and the fact that this was not a planned pregnancy, we can't necessarily jump to any conclusions about his feelings.
It doesn't really make that much difference to me. It's an added factor but I wouldn't condemn him even if he wasn't upset about the miscarriage.
notacooldad · 20/03/2023 17:24
DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).
DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢
I seriously bet a lot of people on here would have reacted negatively, even for a moment if their child was screaming at the top of their lungs, knocking a chair over and ragging your phone out of your hands because you said you couldn't do something there and then. ( Usual proviso- excluding children who have a SEN) I've said it before nobody get parenting right all the time and reacts perfectly in every challenging situation, especially when you have your own pressures that you are dealing with.
To me I would be looking at the over all attitude. Is he normal great and they get on or is there resentment is what I would be looking at. If it is just a blip then I could move on. However if there was a negative pattern of negativity towards the child then the relationship would be over for me.
potniatheron · 21/03/2023 09:38
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 20/03/2023 17:09
Agreed.
A lot of people are also saying that the OP's boyfriend is grieving and so can behave as badly as he likes. We have no idea what his feelings are about the OP's miscarriage. Given their living circumstances and the fact that the OP's daughter is clearly upset about some aspects of the situation, and the fact that this was not a planned pregnancy, we can't necessarily jump to any conclusions about his feelings.
potniatheron · 20/03/2023 10:33
This exactly it. Very wise post. Can't believe people here are supporting the boyfriend in his outburst and advocating that a distressed child be further frozen out from the family by being portrayed as a black sheep.
YouSoundLovely · 18/03/2023 19:54
Absolutely agree with Angelik, and am quite disturbed by the viciousness so many posters are showing towards this little girl (and yes, 8 is still a little girl), tbh.
What people who are tearing her apart over her 'tantrum' 'over baking' are missing is that she's not reacting like this over baking. She'll know something's up. She'll know it's not just a 'tummy ache', but obviously nobody's telling her anything. She'll know her mother's upset. She'll be feeling tension and fears she can't have any words for. It's also an added stress for her to have her mother's boyfriend (and that's what he is at this stage, not a stepfather or anything like it - and therefore it is not his place to parent her) in her home when she's feeling her world rocked like this.
I wouldn't be impressed with a man who couldn't understand that an 8yo trying to navigate an atmosphere of mystery upset and sadness doesn't have access to adult outlets for her feelings and lashed out at her with something so vicious. It wouldn't bode well for his qualities as a father.
Yup. Really quite bowled over by how male oriented some of the responses on this thread have been, favouring the boyfriend over the natal daughter.
Divorcedalongtime · 21/03/2023 12:49
potniatheron · 21/03/2023 09:38
Yup. Really quite bowled over by how male oriented some of the responses on this thread have been, favouring the boyfriend over the natal daughter.
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 20/03/2023 17:09
Agreed.
A lot of people are also saying that the OP's boyfriend is grieving and so can behave as badly as he likes. We have no idea what his feelings are about the OP's miscarriage. Given their living circumstances and the fact that the OP's daughter is clearly upset about some aspects of the situation, and the fact that this was not a planned pregnancy, we can't necessarily jump to any conclusions about his feelings.
potniatheron · 20/03/2023 10:33
This exactly it. Very wise post. Can't believe people here are supporting the boyfriend in his outburst and advocating that a distressed child be further frozen out from the family by being portrayed as a black sheep.
YouSoundLovely · 18/03/2023 19:54
Absolutely agree with Angelik, and am quite disturbed by the viciousness so many posters are showing towards this little girl (and yes, 8 is still a little girl), tbh.
What people who are tearing her apart over her 'tantrum' 'over baking' are missing is that she's not reacting like this over baking. She'll know something's up. She'll know it's not just a 'tummy ache', but obviously nobody's telling her anything. She'll know her mother's upset. She'll be feeling tension and fears she can't have any words for. It's also an added stress for her to have her mother's boyfriend (and that's what he is at this stage, not a stepfather or anything like it - and therefore it is not his place to parent her) in her home when she's feeling her world rocked like this.
I wouldn't be impressed with a man who couldn't understand that an 8yo trying to navigate an atmosphere of mystery upset and sadness doesn't have access to adult outlets for her feelings and lashed out at her with something so vicious. It wouldn't bode well for his qualities as a father.
Yes so much this. I am beyond baffled at how DP is made out to be a saint and DD who is only 8 (!!!) the big bad villain.
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