AIBU?
So upset. DP called DD this
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 18:38
Hello,
For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.
DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).
DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.
Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.
I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Seabreeze18 · 18/03/2023 19:09
I’m so sorry for your loss!! At 8 I would expect more from my child then that behaviour, but without knowing and only from what little u have said maybe she does have slight autism? And struggles with communicating seeing u upset and not knowing why? At 8 I may also have been honest and said mummy had a tiny baby in her tummy but it didn’t make it! Give her a chance to be empathic! Kids can be amazing if u give them a chance to be. Sending hugs to u and your family
(I say all this from a place of having a possible autistic child and another who has suffered horrendous tantrums that nearly destroyed the family at times)
Cocobutt · 18/03/2023 19:10
YANBU
Calling a child a spoilt brat because they can’t contain their emotions as well as an adult is not fair.
She should absolutely be taught that her outburst was wrong but not by calling her names in the middle of her meltdown.
I can’t imagine my mum or child’s teacher ever saying that to my child, let alone my partner.
I hope he’s kinder to you whilst you’re going through your miscarriage, as I’m sure you’re bound to have emotional outbursts every now and then ❤️
Sapphire387 · 18/03/2023 19:11
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 19:06
It's really difficult because I’m fiercely protective over DD and I often hold DP to standards that probably aren’t realistic. Especially in this case. But part of me thinks that if I can keep it together then he should be able to too?
I am beginning to question whether there’s a possibility of autism.
I have to be honest, OP. My DSD has episodes like this sometimes - also 8. If my DH was telling me off for calling her a spoilt little brat (and I have done), I'd leave him. And vice versa - if my kids are playing up he can tell them off. You can't expect people to step-parent your kids but just put up with a load of shit. Sometimes kids do cross the line and they need to be told.
Angelik · 18/03/2023 19:11
Wait, what! Are you people even human? She's 8. She's knows something awful has happened but doesn't understand cos she's 8. She's asked to spend time with her mum because she loves her mum and can see her mum is sad. Also she has no other parent to talk to or can see is looking after her mum. When mum can't do the fun, she is disappointed and sad and frustrated and doesn't know what to do COS SHE'S 8 .Then some boyfriend calls her a brat! Poor child.
CrotchetyQuaver · 18/03/2023 19:13
I think brat is a statement of fact in this instance. She may have subconsciously picked up that all was not well with you (-and your DP) and that led to her meltdown. I certainly wouldn't be giving him a hard time over it, you should be supporting him over this because she was basically being a brat.
Divorcedalongtime · 18/03/2023 19:14
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 18:55
DD has outbursts like this once in a while but it really is rare. It’s like she struggles to communicate her emotions and lashes out. She’s always acted a bit younger than her age but I just thought this was normal as every child is different. This behaviour is horrendous though and even though I agree she was acting like a brat - even I would never say that to her!
The pregnancy was unplanned but yes I’m guilty of not allowing DP to parent DD. Their relationship is usually fine and the only time it’s not is when she’s kicking off like she has done today. She’s definitely picking up on the change in mood due to me being in this situation and she’s seen me struggling. I’ve told her that I’m not well and that I’ve got a bad tummy ache but she’s not really in tune with feelings. I don’t know if this is usual for an 8 year old? I imagined some children would be trying to look after their mum if she was unwell etc. but it’s like nothing is happening.
I’m not saying your daughter is, but my daughter, now 12, is autistic and very much emotionally like a 5 year old.
name calling by adults is never ok, or labelling, I understand you are angry with your partner and of course he should r be parenting your daughter. I am beyond baffled by how people are biting on this.
SeasonFinale · 18/03/2023 19:15
Angelik · 18/03/2023 19:11
Wait, what! Are you people even human? She's 8. She's knows something awful has happened but doesn't understand cos she's 8. She's asked to spend time with her mum because she loves her mum and can see her mum is sad. Also she has no other parent to talk to or can see is looking after her mum. When mum can't do the fun, she is disappointed and sad and frustrated and doesn't know what to do COS SHE'S 8 .Then some boyfriend calls her a brat! Poor child.
She did not know something awful was happening. Her mum told her she couldn't bake with her as she had a poorly tummy.
Then she acted like a spoilt brat knocking over furniture and smacking the OPs phone from her hand. She wasn't disappointed and sad. No wonder there are behavioural issues in schools if that is acceptable in your home.
MichelleScarn · 18/03/2023 19:16
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 19:06
It's really difficult because I’m fiercely protective over DD and I often hold DP to standards that probably aren’t realistic. Especially in this case. But part of me thinks that if I can keep it together then he should be able to too?
I am beginning to question whether there’s a possibility of autism.
So do she normally get to do what she wants and not get challenged or told off for bad behaviour?
What type of standards do you hold DP to?
Ameadowwalk · 18/03/2023 19:16
Divorcedalongtime · 18/03/2023 19:14
I’m not saying your daughter is, but my daughter, now 12, is autistic and very much emotionally like a 5 year old.
name calling by adults is never ok, or labelling, I understand you are angry with your partner and of course he should r be parenting your daughter. I am beyond baffled by how people are biting on this.
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 18:55
DD has outbursts like this once in a while but it really is rare. It’s like she struggles to communicate her emotions and lashes out. She’s always acted a bit younger than her age but I just thought this was normal as every child is different. This behaviour is horrendous though and even though I agree she was acting like a brat - even I would never say that to her!
The pregnancy was unplanned but yes I’m guilty of not allowing DP to parent DD. Their relationship is usually fine and the only time it’s not is when she’s kicking off like she has done today. She’s definitely picking up on the change in mood due to me being in this situation and she’s seen me struggling. I’ve told her that I’m not well and that I’ve got a bad tummy ache but she’s not really in tune with feelings. I don’t know if this is usual for an 8 year old? I imagined some children would be trying to look after their mum if she was unwell etc. but it’s like nothing is happening.
I am baffled as well.
Soubriquet · 18/03/2023 19:17
I have an 8 year old who is mentally fragile. He cries at the drop of a hat but he never has outbursts like this.
Saying she “doesn’t understand why mum can’t bake” is bullshit. She’s 8 years old! Not 8 months. She perfectly understands. She just doesn’t care
LynetteScavo · 18/03/2023 19:20
I am beginning to question whether there’s a possibility of autism.
I was waiting for the "possibility of autism* to be raised.
I would have had a tantrum like that aged 8. And at 10/12/15yo.
I am not autistic, and I was not spoilt. I was frustrated and very angry as a child. Ultimately your DDs behaviour wasn't about the cake.
Mummyof287 · 18/03/2023 19:21
I thought when i saw the title of your post that you were going to say he called her something way worse than that tbh :-/
I'm guessing he has lost a baby too?
It must be hard seeing your child disciplined by someone who isn't their biological parent, and I would hope he might apologise when calm for saying that and for being angry, but jeez what parent biological or otherwise doesn't lose their rag sometimes, especially in your circumstances!
I think you need to be going much easier on him...
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