AIBU?
So upset. DP called DD this
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 18:38
Hello,
For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.
DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).
DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.
Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.
I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?
Am I being unreasonable?
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Dora33 · 18/03/2023 18:55
Sorry for your loss.
I wouldn't ask your dp to go home as he is trying to support you and what he said was quite mild. It doesn't really describe the unacceptable behavior by your dd which was aggressive at times.
I wouldn't be looking to do a replacement activity with your dd. Also if you ask your dp to go home, would your dd be aware this was a result of him calling her that.
JackHackettsMac · 18/03/2023 18:55
Sorry for your loss OP. You’re obviously struggling today. 💐
After you’ve all calmed down, you’re going to need to sit down with your DP and discuss how to move forward if you’re planning to increase the size of your family with him.
You won’t be able to send him away every time your daughter has a melt down after you add a new baby to the mix. He needs to be allowed to deal with her outbursts and parent her too, unless she’s going to live f/t with her dad. What he said sounded pretty accurate, to be honest.
How do you normally deal with any bad behaviour?
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 18:55
DD has outbursts like this once in a while but it really is rare. It’s like she struggles to communicate her emotions and lashes out. She’s always acted a bit younger than her age but I just thought this was normal as every child is different. This behaviour is horrendous though and even though I agree she was acting like a brat - even I would never say that to her!
The pregnancy was unplanned but yes I’m guilty of not allowing DP to parent DD. Their relationship is usually fine and the only time it’s not is when she’s kicking off like she has done today. She’s definitely picking up on the change in mood due to me being in this situation and she’s seen me struggling. I’ve told her that I’m not well and that I’ve got a bad tummy ache but she’s not really in tune with feelings. I don’t know if this is usual for an 8 year old? I imagined some children would be trying to look after their mum if she was unwell etc. but it’s like nothing is happening.
Ihaveamagicwand · 18/03/2023 18:57
You’re both going through the miscarriage and she’s picking up on the emotions. You all need to cut each other some slack here. He needs to know she is upset about the atmosphere, she needs to know you are both upset because you’re not ‘feeling well’. And you probably need to realise that he wouldn’t have spoken to your daughter in that way if it had been a normal situation.
We don’t always realise what dads go through when we have a miscarriage as it’s such an overwhelmingly emotional as well as physical process for the mum and everyone’s focus tends to be on her. My DH only confessed weeks afterwards how utterly helpless and bereft he had felt at the time.
OneMoreCookieMonster · 18/03/2023 18:57
I'm going to kinda go against the grain here. Emotions are running high for both of you and it's a shitty situation. Your daughter at 8 should not have acted that way at all but having had several pregnancy loses myself (did not tell my kid of a similar age) kids pick up on the emotions and know things aren't right. She may have been struggling to deal with knowing something isn't right and wasn't able to manage her emotions. 8 is still very young. She's may be feeling isolated and kept out of the loop.
You dp was right to try and support you but he went over the line. He should have not called her a spoilt brat. You should always address the behaviour not the child. (Person)
This is a huge red flag for me. Rather losing his shit he should have tried reasoning with her. If H said this to my eldest, he'd be gone. But, given the overall situation I'd tried to explain to him why its not alright. both of you have should have left to her to it if she refused to go to her room. This in my experience helps to diffuse most situations.
Zombiemama84 · 18/03/2023 18:59
Sorry for your loss.
I also agree with others, if no SEN issues then she was definitely acting like a spoilt brat. Does she usually behave this way?
your partner is also hurting with the loss, emotions are running high and he was probably feeling protective of you knowing how you’re feeling and what you’re going through.
You need to let your daughter know that behaviour was unacceptable and I wouldn’t punish your partner.
LynetteScavo · 18/03/2023 19:00
Firstly I'm really sorry about your miscarriage.
The thing that stands out for me is that although your DP was present, you were phoning your DDs DF for support.
Your partner needs to be able to parent your DD if you are planning on having a baby with him. He can't just parent one child in the home and not the other.
His response wasn't ideal. But your DD was not behaving in an age appropriate way. The situation was out of hand and your DP was overwhelmed and stressed. He said it as he saw it. I think you both need to have some strategies in place for when your DD behaves like this.
IamnotSethRogan · 18/03/2023 19:01
I'm sorry about what you're going through but an 8 year old should not be behaving like this, regardless of if she's aware of your situation or not.
A) this Will be emotionally distressing for your partner as well
B) a spoilt brat is not an over reaction to how she has behaved
AxolotlOnions · 18/03/2023 19:05
This isn't normal behaviour for an 8 year old, not even occasionally. You're going through a tough time but I do wonder, do you usually ring her father when she is misbehaving? You really need to deal with her yourself. Break ups and new partners in a child's life cause a lot of upheaval, she needs to feel secure and certain of her boundaries in each home.
Crazydoglady1980 · 18/03/2023 19:05
OneMoreCookieMonster · 18/03/2023 18:57
I'm going to kinda go against the grain here. Emotions are running high for both of you and it's a shitty situation. Your daughter at 8 should not have acted that way at all but having had several pregnancy loses myself (did not tell my kid of a similar age) kids pick up on the emotions and know things aren't right. She may have been struggling to deal with knowing something isn't right and wasn't able to manage her emotions. 8 is still very young. She's may be feeling isolated and kept out of the loop.
You dp was right to try and support you but he went over the line. He should have not called her a spoilt brat. You should always address the behaviour not the child. (Person)
This is a huge red flag for me. Rather losing his shit he should have tried reasoning with her. If H said this to my eldest, he'd be gone. But, given the overall situation I'd tried to explain to him why its not alright. both of you have should have left to her to it if she refused to go to her room. This in my experience helps to diffuse most situations.
This.
Your daughter is picking up that something isn’t right but does not have the understanding to manage this well. Even though this is a tough time for both you and your DP, calling her names in anger is not okay.
You and DP need to discuss this, if he struggles with the meltdowns then he needs a plan of how he manages this. He is the adult
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 18/03/2023 19:05
I’m sorry for your loss. Can her Dad step in for couple of nights? If my DSDs Mum was going through this we would definitely want to help and switch nights etc if needed. She’ll be picking up on the atmosphere and you and your DP need time to process and grieve. I wouldn’t send him home, I’d try to resolve things together this evening then maybe see if DDs Dad can have her for a couple of nights, you can explain a swap by saying you’re unwell.
Jifmicroliquid · 18/03/2023 19:05
So sorry for your loss.
But I’m afraid an 8 year old should not be behaving like that. That sounds more like the type of tantrum a toddler has. Your child did behave like a spoilt brat and I would be coming down very hard on her for that sort of behaviour.
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 19:06
It's really difficult because I’m fiercely protective over DD and I often hold DP to standards that probably aren’t realistic. Especially in this case. But part of me thinks that if I can keep it together then he should be able to too?
I am beginning to question whether there’s a possibility of autism.
Ameadowwalk · 18/03/2023 19:07
MarshaMelrose · 18/03/2023 19:00
Yes, I don’t get why he didn’t explain you were unwell and do something with her in your place.
Maybe he's feeling upset about losing his baby and doesn't want to amuse an ill-behaved 8yo.
It’s really not clear that the DD was being badly behaved before she was told no baking. The thing is, if his partner is suffering the physical effects of miscarriage, he is the one who has to step up and look after the DD.
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