For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.
DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).
DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.
Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.
I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?
So upset. DP called DD this
peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 18:38
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
AllOfThemWitches · 20/03/2023 08:32
The DP in this case was dealing with the loss of his baby
More importantly, OP was dealing with the loss of her pregnancy, her little daughter clearly picked up on something (I mean, why wouldn't she, her mum was upset) and all he did was make everything worse when a bit of understand would have made all the difference.
AllOfThemWitches · 20/03/2023 08:35
I dunno why everyone is wilfully ignoring the fact that OP has said this behaviour is rare. A child who has an occasional outburst is not a spoilt brat, it's a child who is having an overwhelming emotional response to something.
peachesandcreamz · 19/03/2023 13:07
Hi all. I haven’t read every single post but I wanted to clarify some things.
DD has never known a time when me and her dad were together as we broke up when she was a few months old. Since then, we’ve had an amicable relationship and co-parent effectively, despite him living a couple of hours away. I called him because he usually calms her down and I was desperate.
DP’s relationship with DD is generally good but he can sometimes lack patience with her. Even before the incident yesterday, I asked him if he would take DD to the shop with him just so I could try and have some rest. He reluctantly took her and she was apparently backchatting, at which point he messaged me to say “she’s just told me to shut up. I could kick her arse”.
I know DD and I know that the “shut-up” although not acceptable, would have been in jest. She’s used to him and her having quite a child-like relationship where they mess around and play fight etc.
In the past, he’s got annoyed with her with regards to bedtime because she used to be a terrible sleeper. It caused a lot of friction and it was uncomfortable for all of us to live like that. She had a fear of missing out and he wanted time with me. I felt like I was in the middle of it.
ScrollingLeaves · 20/03/2023 09:16
aSofaNearYou · Today 08:57
Sorry, still can't feel sorry for an 8 year old experiencing "an atmosphere" over two adults losing their baby.
A large part of children’s upsets come from the adults’ states of mind around them.
So what the traumatised adults felt about losing their baby gets transferred in an abstract way to the child.
It is not a competition between the adults’ feelings and the child’s!
YouSoundLovely · 18/03/2023 19:54
Absolutely agree with Angelik, and am quite disturbed by the viciousness so many posters are showing towards this little girl (and yes, 8 is still a little girl), tbh.
What people who are tearing her apart over her 'tantrum' 'over baking' are missing is that she's not reacting like this over baking. She'll know something's up. She'll know it's not just a 'tummy ache', but obviously nobody's telling her anything. She'll know her mother's upset. She'll be feeling tension and fears she can't have any words for. It's also an added stress for her to have her mother's boyfriend (and that's what he is at this stage, not a stepfather or anything like it - and therefore it is not his place to parent her) in her home when she's feeling her world rocked like this.
I wouldn't be impressed with a man who couldn't understand that an 8yo trying to navigate an atmosphere of mystery upset and sadness doesn't have access to adult outlets for her feelings and lashed out at her with something so vicious. It wouldn't bode well for his qualities as a father.
aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2023 10:56
Lots of people 'act terribly' when they feel like everything around them has gone to shit, most people are able to empathise. Joining a pile on just to parrot the whole 'brat' thing is such odd behaviour though.
There's nothing remotely odd about it. The subject of the thread is whether he was unreasonable to call her a brat, why would it be in the slightest bit odd for the people who agree she was to comment, as well as the people who don't?
How stuck in your own perspective can you get?
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.