So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

[AllOfThemWitches]

I dunno why everyone is wilfully ignoring the fact that OP has said this behaviour is rare. A child who has an occasional outburst is not a spoilt brat, it's a child who is having an overwhelming emotional response to something.

[aSofaNearYou]

@AllOfThemWitches

The DP in this case was dealing with the loss of his baby

More importantly, OP was dealing with the loss of her pregnancy, her little daughter clearly picked up on something (I mean, why wouldn't she, her mum was upset) and all he did was make everything worse when a bit of understand would have made all the difference.

I don't think that's more important tbh. What he was dealing with was worse than the 8 year old "picking up on something" and not getting to bake.

Like I said, people are not perfect. If I was confronted with her behaviour I would have shouted at her too, and largely for OPs sake. I wouldn't be thinking "Aaw being really calm with her will de-escalate". It's not a given that it would have stopped the behaviour, and like I said, not everyone acts like they are on a parenting course 100% of the time. Often emotion does come into it.

[aSofaNearYou]

@AllOfThemWitches

I dunno why everyone is wilfully ignoring the fact that OP has said this behaviour is rare. A child who has an occasional outburst is not a spoilt brat, it's a child who is having an overwhelming emotional response to something.

She also repeatedly referred to being fiercely defensive of her DD and not letting her DP parent (though also asking him to take her out alone, which is taking the piss), so the possibility of her downplaying her DDs behaviour feels very strong.

But also, "once in a while" is subjective - how often is that?

Plus, what difference does it make? His comment was based on her behaviour at the time, not her behaviour all the time.

[AllOfThemWitches]

Well, I'm definitely more concerned about the feelings of a confused kid than a grown man. You can't be much of a thinker if you've concluded it was all about baking when OP has said it's unusual behaviour.

[AllOfThemWitches]

Plus, what difference does it make? His comment was based on her behaviour at the time, not her behaviour all the time.

Was it? All we know is he called her a 'spoilt brat,' that's not the same as 'you're being a spoilt brat.' Plus, from what OP has said, it sounds as though he dislikes the kid full stop.

[aSofaNearYou]

@AllOfThemWitches

Well, I'm definitely more concerned about the feelings of a confused kid than a grown man. You can't be much of a thinker if you've concluded it was all about baking when OP has said it's unusual behaviour.

Don't be patronising. I just don't put all feelings kids have on a pedestal. You're not the only one capable of complex thought because you choose to. She had far less to feel upset about than the adults at that time and her behaviour was unacceptable either way.

And I've explained my thoughts on OP saying it was unusual.

[AllOfThemWitches]

Don't be patronising. I just don't put all feelings kids have on a pedestal. You're not the only one capable of complex thought because you choose to. She had far less to feel upset about than the adults at that time and her behaviour was unacceptable either way.

And I've explained my thoughts on OP saying it was unusual.

With respect, you have no idea how 'upset' he was. Let's not pretend that pregnancy loss affects men in the same way as it does women. And at least he knew why there was an atmosphere, unlike the 8yo child.

[aSofaNearYou]

Was it? All we know is he called her a 'spoilt brat,' that's not the same as 'you're being a spoilt brat.' Plus, from what OP has said, it sounds as though he dislikes the kid full stop.

I'd dislike a child with a habit of acting this way, whose mum was "fiercely defensive" and refused to let me do or say anything, but called on me to be involved. In fact, I'd have left by now. Can't blame him for that.

But your comments are ignoring my point tbh so it's a bit tiresome responding to them. I opened with his response was not perfect. But it was understandable in the circumstances.

[aSofaNearYou]

With respect, you have no idea how 'upset' he was. Let's not pretend that pregnancy loss affects men in the same way as it does women. And at least he knew why there was an atmosphere, unlike the 8yo child.

Sorry, still can't feel sorry for an 8 year old experiencing "an atmosphere" over two adults losing their baby.

Many children experience worse than "an atmosphere". It's really not the trauma you're painting it as.

[AllOfThemWitches]

I'd dislike a child with a habit of acting this way, whose mum was "fiercely defensive" and refused to let me do or say anything, but called on me to be involved. In fact, I'd have left by now. Can't blame him for that.

I wonder why he hasn't fucked off then and is instead taking risks with someone who has a kid he obviously doesn't like. 🤔 Sounds like a real keeper.

[aSofaNearYou]

I wonder why he hasn't fucked off then and is instead taking risks with someone who has a kid he obviously doesn't like. 🤔 Sounds like a real keeper.

He's probably got a slightly higher patience threshold than me?

If his dislike is so obvious, why hasn't she broken up with him? But then that doesn't paint him as the villain does it.

[dollypartin]

@peachesandcreamz

Hi all. I haven’t read every single post but I wanted to clarify some things.

DD has never known a time when me and her dad were together as we broke up when she was a few months old. Since then, we’ve had an amicable relationship and co-parent effectively, despite him living a couple of hours away. I called him because he usually calms her down and I was desperate.

DP’s relationship with DD is generally good but he can sometimes lack patience with her. Even before the incident yesterday, I asked him if he would take DD to the shop with him just so I could try and have some rest. He reluctantly took her and she was apparently backchatting, at which point he messaged me to say “she’s just told me to shut up. I could kick her arse”.

I know DD and I know that the “shut-up” although not acceptable, would have been in jest. She’s used to him and her having quite a child-like relationship where they mess around and play fight etc.

In the past, he’s got annoyed with her with regards to bedtime because she used to be a terrible sleeper. It caused a lot of friction and it was uncomfortable for all of us to live like that. She had a fear of missing out and he wanted time with me. I felt like I was in the middle of it.

This doesn't sound like a great relationship between them. I can see some red flags from him. I also see you excusing all of her negative behaviour. I feel like when you're in a better place you need to take a step back and address some patterns and bigger issues.

Also if it ever comes down to a choice between your daughter and him, always choose your daughter. I had this and SF did a lot of damage to our relationship. And he's now gone.

[ScrollingLeaves]

aSofaNearYou · Today 08:57
Sorry, still can't feel sorry for an 8 year old experiencing "an atmosphere" over two adults losing their baby.

A large part of children’s upsets come from the adults’ states of mind around them.

So what the traumatised adults felt about losing their baby gets transferred in an abstract way to the child.

It is not a competition between the adults’ feelings and the child’s!

[aSofaNearYou]

@ScrollingLeaves

aSofaNearYou · Today 08:57
Sorry, still can't feel sorry for an 8 year old experiencing "an atmosphere" over two adults losing their baby.

A large part of children’s upsets come from the adults’ states of mind around them.

So what the traumatised adults felt about losing their baby gets transferred in an abstract way to the child.

It is not a competition between the adults’ feelings and the child’s!

I agree it's not a competition. But this is what is so often said in response to any mention of the parents emotions. "But the 8 year old CHILD was experiencing a bad atmosphere" so what the parents were experiencing is nothing in comparison and they should have been perfect. It's others that treat it like a competition - I'm simply saying if it were a competition, what the adults were experiencing was worse.

At the end of the day, she had a shit day because her mum was unwell and upset, she lashed out and behaved terribly, she got told off. This is the sort of thing that happens to kids, it is not the end of the world. I'm tired of the overdramatisation of it.

[AllOfThemWitches]

At the end of the day, she had a shit day because her mum was unwell and upset, she lashed out and behaved terribly, she got told off. This is the sort of thing that happens to kids, it is not the end of the world. I'm tired of the overdramatisation of it.

'Tired of the overdramatisation' when people are defending a child but not when they are banging on as though she is the spawn of Satan. 🙄

[aSofaNearYou]

Tired of the overdramatisation' when people are defending a child but not when they are banging on as though she is the spawn of Satan. 🙄

Nobody is saying she is the spawn of Satan. They're saying she was being a brat. It's the people defending her that see that as akin to calling her the spawn of Satan, aka, the dramatic people.

[willow236]

@Sapphire387

Sounds like she was being a spoilt little brat tbh.

Omg yes absolutely.😮😮

[Milkand2sugarsplease]

If you're going to have a life together, you both need to get on the same page, hell, even the same book, on parenting your DD.

She does sound less mature than I would expect for her age, from things you've said in your posts. Consistency from both of you would help her know her boundaries. At the minute she seems to know your dp isn't parenting her and she's doing as she pleases around him and that's making your life more difficult.

DH parents DS, we make decisions jointly and we back each other up even if one of us has made a decision that the other one doesn't necessarily agree with and we chat about it later. I couldn't cope if I was the parent and he was the buddy because it would make life tricky all around.

Sorry about your loss, hope you're able to get some rest and recover.x

[potniatheron]

@YouSoundLovely

Absolutely agree with Angelik, and am quite disturbed by the viciousness so many posters are showing towards this little girl (and yes, 8 is still a little girl), tbh.

What people who are tearing her apart over her 'tantrum' 'over baking' are missing is that she's not reacting like this over baking. She'll know something's up. She'll know it's not just a 'tummy ache', but obviously nobody's telling her anything. She'll know her mother's upset. She'll be feeling tension and fears she can't have any words for. It's also an added stress for her to have her mother's boyfriend (and that's what he is at this stage, not a stepfather or anything like it - and therefore it is not his place to parent her) in her home when she's feeling her world rocked like this.

I wouldn't be impressed with a man who couldn't understand that an 8yo trying to navigate an atmosphere of mystery upset and sadness doesn't have access to adult outlets for her feelings and lashed out at her with something so vicious. It wouldn't bode well for his qualities as a father.

This exactly it. Very wise post. Can't believe people here are supporting the boyfriend in his outburst and advocating that a distressed child be further frozen out from the family by being portrayed as a black sheep.

[aSofaNearYou]

This exactly it. Very wise post. Can't believe people here are supporting the boyfriend in his outburst and advocating that a distressed child be further frozen out from the family by being portrayed as a black sheep.

Nobody's advocating that, stop projecting and misrepresenting what people have said.

They're saying the atmosphere she was picking up on was not justification for acting terribly and she deserved to be told off. Not "further frozen out from the family", that's just emotive nonsense.

[GymNewbie]

I also agree shes been A brat, at 8 she should know no is no.
If that was my dd she'd be put in her room until she has some respect

[AllOfThemWitches]

They're saying the atmosphere she was picking up on was not justification for acting terribly

Lots of people 'act terribly' when they feel like everything around them has gone to shit, most people are able to empathise. Joining a pile on just to parrot the whole 'brat' thing is such odd behaviour though.

[aSofaNearYou]

Lots of people 'act terribly' when they feel like everything around them has gone to shit, most people are able to empathise. Joining a pile on just to parrot the whole 'brat' thing is such odd behaviour though.

There's nothing remotely odd about it. The subject of the thread is whether he was unreasonable to call her a brat, why would it be in the slightest bit odd for the people who agree she was to comment, as well as the people who don't?

How stuck in your own perspective can you get?

[MavisMcMinty]

Brat definition:

(informal, disapproving) ​a person, especially a child, who behaves badly.

Sweet zombie Jebus, “brat” seems an appropriate word in the circumstances, and I’d’ve probably used a few other appropriate words.

[AllOfThemWitches]

@aSofaNearYou

Lots of people 'act terribly' when they feel like everything around them has gone to shit, most people are able to empathise. Joining a pile on just to parrot the whole 'brat' thing is such odd behaviour though.

There's nothing remotely odd about it. The subject of the thread is whether he was unreasonable to call her a brat, why would it be in the slightest bit odd for the people who agree she was to comment, as well as the people who don't?

How stuck in your own perspective can you get?

Except it's fairly obvious that the posters seizing the opportunity to slag someone's kid off are just the type of people who actively enjoy kicking a woman while she's down. Pretty common on here unfortunately.