So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

[Lachimolala]

@emilytheresponsibleone OP only said that after the usual influx of ‘it must be the ND’ because apparently that’s the only reason for terrible behaviour these days.

Might I gently suggest you aren’t able or perhaps willing to see the bigger picture, you’ve written an awful lot about empathy yet are displaying the most un-empathetic and rigid rhetoric of trauma and abuse when there is zero evidence of that. I’m sure parenting adopted children is very difficult but it doesn’t make one the font of all knowledge on parenting. It’s a shame you can’t or won’t even try to see things from any other angle or perspective.

It might be a good idea to stop detailing the thread with your very forceful ideas and let some other parents that can remain objective have a chance at advising/supporting.

[emilytheresponsibleone]

"He reluctantly took her and she was apparently backchatting, at which point he messaged me to say “she’s just told me to shut up. I could kick her arse”."

Quote from OP. I'm not being hyperbolic. This isn't a man who likes OP's daughter, and a man who uses violent language towards a struggling child. He is not a man to have children with.

[Tandora]

@emilytheresponsibleone

I'll say it again- separated parents is considered an ACE. This child isn't behaving like a securely attached, happy child, so the evidence is she isn't one.

Are there really amicable break ups, with nothing traumatic going on, that go on to have perfect co-parenting relationships? Why would those couples break up? I've never seen a case where a family has broken up in the first year of a child's life where it's been completely amicable and all roses.

This child didn't behave like a spoiled brat. She behaved like a confused, frightened child.

And no, I'd never use violent language about my children to another adult.

🙄🙄

[emilytheresponsibleone]

"Remaining objective" appears to be blaming a child for adult behaviour. That's not ok. I will always advocate for children. OP has advocated for her child.

[aSofaNearYou]

I don't agree. Calling someone a "spoilt brat" is not commenting on their behaviour, it is commenting on them as a person. Same how saying "you're stupid" is different from saying "stop acting stupid" when someone is misbehaving.

Yes I know what you mean, it could be considered a comment on her as a person. What I'm saying is that it's not as unreasonable a thing to say about someone as chubby or stupid. Those aren't malicious things to be, but it's hurtful to point those things out. Calling on someone to check themselves on the fact that they're being unpleasant isn't as bad as insulting them for non harmful things about them that they can't control.

[Tandora]

@emilytheresponsibleone

"Remaining objective" appears to be blaming a child for adult behaviour. That's not ok. I will always advocate for children. OP has advocated for her child.

You are not advocating for anyone. You are labelling OP’s child traumatised and insecurely attached, and possibly neurodiverse. You are Insisting she’s insecure and traumatised because her parents are separated - because you apparently adhere to an ideological belief that all children without two biological, cohabiting parents are traumatised - when the truth is OP’s DD’s behaviour could be the result of any number of things. You are also denigrating and casting aspersions on OP’s relationship. It’s really helping no one.

[isadoradancing123]

She is exactly what he said

[pettysquabbles]

@Lachimolala

@emilytheresponsibleone OP only said that after the usual influx of ‘it must be the ND’ because apparently that’s the only reason for terrible behaviour these days.

Might I gently suggest you aren’t able or perhaps willing to see the bigger picture, you’ve written an awful lot about empathy yet are displaying the most un-empathetic and rigid rhetoric of trauma and abuse when there is zero evidence of that. I’m sure parenting adopted children is very difficult but it doesn’t make one the font of all knowledge on parenting. It’s a shame you can’t or won’t even try to see things from any other angle or perspective.

It might be a good idea to stop detailing the thread with your very forceful ideas and let some other parents that can remain objective have a chance at advising/supporting.

You've gently suggested it but @emilytheresponsibleone is not capable of taking on board that she is imposing her rigid narrative on this with very little or no evidence. She will clearly continue to push her very warped view of this situation.

[Nowhereelsetogo90]

@emilytheresponsibleone multiple reasons for break ups and divorce that don’t involve parenting. In our families case it was two lovely people who are excellent parents who got together too young, grew into people who were too different, got married and had a baby as a sticking plaster and realised very quickly that their baby stood a better chance with them apart. Now both happily remarried to people who are a much better match for them and said baby is now a thriving eight year old. Who isn’t traumatised…

And there are many, many families like ours.

You are projecting. Not every child is traumatised. Sometimes they are just being spoilt/bratty/in a bad mood. Just like adults can be! And yes, they deserve empathy. As do the adults in this situation.

[emilytheresponsibleone]

It's not about me. I can see I've hit some nerves. OP has disclosed her daughter struggles with sleep, that this meltdown wasn't the first, etc. I'm basing what I say on what OP has actually said. And I don't believe there are bratty/spoiled/bad children. Only behaviour that challenges, that is a communication of distress.

[monsteramunch]

he messaged me to say “she’s just told me to shut up. I could kick her arse”.

A man who spoke about my child like this isn't a man I would be comfortable having a relationship with.

It's obviously not ok for her to be rude and say shut up to people. But saying he could 'kick her arse' is so disproportionate and such a weirdly violent response he isn't cut out to be a step parent to her.

Very worrying he feels comfortable enough to tell you he's on the edge of abusing your daughter ("I could kick her arse").

[WildFlowerBees]

I think your dp should call it a day and dodge a bullet. How does he become part of your family if you hold him to standards you yourself don't keep and won't allow him to tell her off when she needs it?

Any man will have a hard time whilst you make excuses for your dd behaviour.

[pettysquabbles]

@emilytheresponsibleone

It's not about me. I can see I've hit some nerves. OP has disclosed her daughter struggles with sleep, that this meltdown wasn't the first, etc. I'm basing what I say on what OP has actually said. And I don't believe there are bratty/spoiled/bad children. Only behaviour that challenges, that is a communication of distress.

You've a very narrow behavioural psychological interpretation with a smattering of trauma informed ideas. It smacks of 1980's learning disability practice and totally ignores cognition. It won't serve you well but you're totally inflexible and unwilling to see beyond that.

[Lachimolala]

@emilytheresponsibleone

It's not about me. I can see I've hit some nerves. OP has disclosed her daughter struggles with sleep, that this meltdown wasn't the first, etc. I'm basing what I say on what OP has actually said. And I don't believe there are bratty/spoiled/bad children. Only behaviour that challenges, that is a communication of distress.

Stop labelling her behaviour as a ‘meltdown’ you are being beyond offensive to the rest of us who are actually ND and have repeatedly asked you to stop with this narrative that is completely and utterly disrespectful and belittling.

Respectfully, without a diagnosis please afford us some basic respect and change your terminology.

[BadNomad]

The daughter probably sensed her mum's boyfriend didn't like her. Now she definitely knows he doesn't. Can't be very comfortable at home for her. I can't imagine being with someone who dislikes my child, justified or not.

[Lachimolala]

@pettysquabbles

You've a very narrow behavioural psychological interpretation with a smattering of trauma informed ideas. It smacks of 1980's learning disability practice and totally ignores cognition. It won't serve you well but you're totally inflexible and unwilling to see beyond that.

Her stance on neurodivergence belongs about 30 years in the past, it’s very infantilising and frustrating.

[SofiaSoFar]

Why didn't you put "a spoilt brat" in the title instead of "this"?

Clickbait to get people to have to open the thread?

[emilytheresponsibleone]

@Lachimolala

Her stance on neurodivergence belongs about 30 years in the past, it’s very infantilising and frustrating.

Please quote where I've taken a "stance on neurodivergence"?!

I only included neurodiversity because OP mentioned she thought ASD might be a factor.

I use the term meltdown because that's what OP described.

[Jazzabel]

@emilytheresponsibleone

It's not about me. I can see I've hit some nerves. OP has disclosed her daughter struggles with sleep, that this meltdown wasn't the first, etc. I'm basing what I say on what OP has actually said. And I don't believe there are bratty/spoiled/bad children. Only behaviour that challenges, that is a communication of distress.

You’ve hit some nerves because you aren't willing to see there isn’t always a tragic story behind a child behaving badly. Despite other people’s lived experience telling you otherwise. You also seem to have created an exaggerated horrible version of the op’s life from the small amounts of information she’s given. To me, and from the sounds of it many others on this thread, it sounds like emotions were running high yesterday. The child who is used to getting her own way kicked off because she didn’t. A step parent who is probably also feeling very sad but isn’t allowed to parent the child lost control of his emotions and snapped. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed once everyone has calmed down. You also seem convinced the partner is some random man who dislikes children even though the op has said they get on well. I can tell you as a teacher and a parent there have been many times over the years I’ve wanted to kick a child’s arse. It ok to think it.

[Lachimolala]

@emilytheresponsibleone

Please quote where I've taken a "stance on neurodivergence"?!

I only included neurodiversity because OP mentioned she thought ASD might be a factor.

I use the term meltdown because that's what OP described.

I’ve always found it to be in incredibly poor taste when someone trots out the disingenuous faux innocence when confronted with their unsavoury behaviour.

Once again an Autistic/ADHD woman is politely asking you to stop misusing ND terminology. It’s offensive and upsetting. Please stop. Just because someone else did once doesn’t mean you should carry on when people have asked you to stop repeatedly.

[emilytheresponsibleone]

Why have you assumed I'm not autistic?

[Lachimolala]

@emilytheresponsibleone

Why have you assumed I'm not autistic?

The only person assuming anything here is you. Work on your internalised ableism please.

[TrashyPanda]

@emilytheresponsibleone

"He reluctantly took her and she was apparently backchatting, at which point he messaged me to say “she’s just told me to shut up. I could kick her arse”."

Quote from OP. I'm not being hyperbolic. This isn't a man who likes OP's daughter, and a man who uses violent language towards a struggling child. He is not a man to have children with.

“I could kick her arse” is expressing deep annoyance, so much that hyperbole is used.

In exactly the same way as people say “I could swing for her”. Nobody thinks the speaker would actually kill the other person.

It’s obvious there is no intent to harm. It’s a justly annoyed adult letting off steam after he’s been lumbered with a rude, badly behaved child.

[ScrollingLeaves]

An 8 year old is a very young child, and her life does not sound easy. It is no use having it in for her.

[Nowhereelsetogo90]

@Jazzabel

You’ve hit some nerves because you aren't willing to see there isn’t always a tragic story behind a child behaving badly. Despite other people’s lived experience telling you otherwise. You also seem to have created an exaggerated horrible version of the op’s life from the small amounts of information she’s given. To me, and from the sounds of it many others on this thread, it sounds like emotions were running high yesterday. The child who is used to getting her own way kicked off because she didn’t. A step parent who is probably also feeling very sad but isn’t allowed to parent the child lost control of his emotions and snapped. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed once everyone has calmed down. You also seem convinced the partner is some random man who dislikes children even though the op has said they get on well. I can tell you as a teacher and a parent there have been many times over the years I’ve wanted to kick a child’s arse. It ok to think it.

100% this!