So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

[CJsGoldfish]

I actually think calling a child a spoilt brat is awful. ‘Spoilt’ is not something you can fix. Spoiled food goes in the bin and it inedible. When something spoils your day you never get that day back. So calling a child ´spoilt’ is nit giving them a chance to make things better
Especially considering OPs update and other posts, seems quite apt to me 🤷‍♀️

adjective: having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or oversolicitous attention
“a spoiled child”

Time to get the contraception sorted and focus on your DD. It's not fair on her to allow her such awful behaviour. She needs more from you.

[notacooldad]

We are humans and it’s ok to show emotions.
Children haven’t yet learnt how to properly deal with their emotions and therefore show them differently to how we would as adults
Parents, partners etc are also humans which means they are not perfect and get things wrong sometimes and don't always handle every situation perfectly all the time. Add a highly charged emotion to the mix and it would be suprising if anyone handled it correctly. It is so easy to comment when you are not involved and behind a keyboard.
At work ( children's services) we talk about a 'good enough parent' which acknowledges people don't always handle every situation correct. I think the % of being a good enough parent was 80/20. Whether I agree with that percentage and what it covers is a different thread!!

[Divorcedalongtime]

@TrashyPanda

“I could kick her arse” is expressing deep annoyance, so much that hyperbole is used.

In exactly the same way as people say “I could swing for her”. Nobody thinks the speaker would actually kill the other person.

It’s obvious there is no intent to harm. It’s a justly annoyed adult letting off steam after he’s been lumbered with a rude, badly behaved child.

Really?! No wonder so many women and children are murdered by men when all red flags leading up to it were dismissed like this

[notacooldad]

Really?! No wonder so many women and children are murdered by men when all red flags leading up to it were dismissed like this
My dad threatened that he would knock me into next week. My mum was forever threatening to give me a good hiding. The threats went on. All potential red flags possibly. However they never laid a finger on me and I was the ultimate brat thinking I could do and say what I want. Not to victim blame my self but I knew how to push buttons.
All we have is a snapshot in a highly charged situation. It doesn't meant the wife or child are in an abusive relationship, they are about to get murdered or whatever.
We have been in highly charged situations throughout our married life ( 30plus years) There has been drama, words said that nobody really meant, learning curves, tempers lost but we got through.
This situation isn't particularly red flag situation for me and I am usually on high alert. You have 3 people who have conflicting and upsetting emotions going on. Once the dust settles everyone can regroup and hopefully move on.

[monsteramunch]

@notacooldad

Really?! No wonder so many women and children are murdered by men when all red flags leading up to it were dismissed like this
My dad threatened that he would knock me into next week. My mum was forever threatening to give me a good hiding. The threats went on. All potential red flags possibly. However they never laid a finger on me and I was the ultimate brat thinking I could do and say what I want. Not to victim blame my self but I knew how to push buttons.
All we have is a snapshot in a highly charged situation. It doesn't meant the wife or child are in an abusive relationship, they are about to get murdered or whatever.
We have been in highly charged situations throughout our married life ( 30plus years) There has been drama, words said that nobody really meant, learning curves, tempers lost but we got through.
This situation isn't particularly red flag situation for me and I am usually on high alert. You have 3 people who have conflicting and upsetting emotions going on. Once the dust settles everyone can regroup and hopefully move on.

You describe how your parents were towards you but this man isn't her parent. He doesn't even live with her! Yet feels entitled enough to say to her mum he's so angry with her (an eight year old girl) that he 'could kick her arse'.

It's worrying you don't find that worrying tbh.

[motherofqilins]

@Divorcedalongtime texts like that are crealy most of the time not meant to be taken literally but said in frustration about a situation have you never commented or texted to a friend "if I have to see/do this one more time I will scream." or "god I need to bleach my eyes/ears after seeing/listening to that" or even "god I could strangle x for doing y" ? at no point are most people going to do any of those things it's just empty words to let out the fustration.

[adriftinadenofvipers]

@emilytheresponsibleone

She didn't know what was going on.

Can you remember being a child? Can you think what it would be like to have a single parent, and that parent spend all day crying? About a tummy ache? You'd be confused, right? But mum says she's going to bake with you. Then she says not, and you get overwhelmed and push a chair. Then your mum starts to ring your dad- to send you away? You want everything to just stop!

Can't you have any empathy?

WTAF did you make up that line about child's mum ringing her dad to send her away???! Getting "overwhelmed" because mum says she can't bake with you??

The OP has said that the child's father can calm her down in a way that she can't. Now if she can be calm for her dad, and her mum feels she has to resort to calling him when she has a tantrum, that says two things to me - (1) this little girl is able to behave with her father and (2) she often goes off on one with her mum, who then rings her dad. Same mum acknowledges she is over-protective, well maybe she is playing on her mum? Could be that she is not happy that her mother has a boyfriend, and acts out accordingly to get her own way?

I'm not saying there is anything intrinsically wrong with that, but an 8 year old does not get to prevent her mother from having a life. Also I don't think that a self-confessed over-protective mum is likely to let a man she doesn't trust have access to her daughter, much less ask him to take her to the shop.

I'm also gleaning that the OP's BF doesn't have a lot of experience with children, and anyway this isn't his child.

I think that OP and her BF need to have a good open conversation about the situation, and OP needs to consider her DD's behaviour and deal with it accordingly. It's a work in progress, and it will take time.

I've wanted to kick someone's arse sometimes but I have never actually wanted to physically swing my leg up and do it, nor have I. It's a stock phrase and an expression of frustration in a situation - it doesn't mean I'm full of aggression.

It has to be said, if any child of mine had EVER lunged at my phone, there would have been consequences!

[notacooldad]

You describe how your parents were towards you but this man isn't her parent. He doesn't even live with her! Yet feels entitled enough to say to her mum he's so angry with her (an eight year old girl) that he 'could kick her arse'.
It's worrying you don't find that worrying tbh.

I get that. I would be looking at other behaviours but if this was a one off and as I said it is just a small snap shot in the life of this family it may not be the worst thing in the world. If there are other indicators I would be worried but as I've said no one is perfect 100% of the time and that includes you.

[adriftinadenofvipers]

@Divorcedalongtime

Really?! No wonder so many women and children are murdered by men when all red flags leading up to it were dismissed like this

Difference is, those poor women and kids were actually threatened, and had the threat followed through.

This is not the situation here.

[monsteramunch]

@notacooldad

You describe how your parents were towards you but this man isn't her parent. He doesn't even live with her! Yet feels entitled enough to say to her mum he's so angry with her (an eight year old girl) that he 'could kick her arse'.
It's worrying you don't find that worrying tbh.

I get that. I would be looking at other behaviours but if this was a one off and as I said it is just a small snap shot in the life of this family it may not be the worst thing in the world. If there are other indicators I would be worried but as I've said no one is perfect 100% of the time and that includes you.

Eh? When did I say I was anything close to perfect? Trust me, I think nothing of the sort. I don't want to derail OP's thread so I'll leave it there.

[Jazzabel]

The “kick her arse” text might not have meant actual violence. Its being used more commonly now to mean a telling off.

[foxlover47]

@MysteryBelle I don't consider a adult male calling a child of 8 a brat as high class !
The adult male should be high class enough to remain calm and mature not escalate a already volatile situation

[Eatentoomanyroses]

he shouldn’t be saying anything negative to her at this stage in proceedings even if she was being awful. Frankly I would take your cue here and not set up shop with him. Him and your dd won’t get on and you’re just setting yourself and them up for a lot of unhappiness

[Divorcedalongtime]

@adriftinadenofvipers

Difference is, those poor women and kids were actually threatened, and had the threat followed through.

This is not the situation here.

Because of course it started with that… 🙄 anyone not seeing a brown man shouting abuse at a small child as a massive red flag is deluded and part of the problem why so many women and children are murdered by men.

[Divorcedalongtime]

@Divorcedalongtime

Because of course it started with that… 🙄 anyone not seeing a brown man shouting abuse at a small child as a massive red flag is deluded and part of the problem why so many women and children are murdered by men.

Grown man * not brown. Autocorrect

[shieldmaiden7]

@OhmygodDont

Are you the op who’s DD wouldn’t go to bed unless you slept with her so make sure you couldn’t spend time with your dp and you nearly split up because you couldn’t see that she shouldn’t dictate your bedtime?

This what I was wonder as it sounds so similar..

[adriftinadenofvipers]

@Divorcedalongtime

Grown man * not brown. Autocorrect

Some of us are not hysterical and calling a child a brat is not the kind of abuse most of those tragic cases involved - more fucking bastard and cunt territory I suspect. I doubt child abusers with murderous intent would be mildly telling a child they were a brat FFS!

[DrMarciaFieldstone]

@shieldmaiden7

This what I was wonder as it sounds so similar..

This crossed my mind too.

I’d be off if I was the DP, tbh. From experience, this just gets worse, not better.

[Baggal1983]

Exactly. I completely agree with your post.

[Baggal1983]

@notacooldad I completely agree.

[firsttimemum1230]

I’m sorry but she indeed was behaving like a spoilt little brat and should never behave like that with or without you going through anything. If you change your mind about doing anything okay complain and moan a little bit but to throw over a chair and grab your phone?? Not acceptable and spoilt brat behaviour of a child that doesn’t like to be told no. You need to be looking at yourself an your daughters behaviour moving forward and working on stopping this behaviour.

[firsttimemum1230]

He possibly shouldn’t of said it or got involved I wouldn’t dream of doing so but this is absolutely spoilt behaviour

[jannier]

Why is your DD reacting like a toddler? Obviously she would be upset at not doing something promised at that age but should have the emotional security to understand that mum isn't well at the moment ....(.or did you not give her a reason and just say I've changed my mind??? ) ...and you are sorry too...
Your partner is trying to support you whilst grieving himself your DDs behaviour was like a spoilt brat

[aSofaNearYou]

Parents, partners etc are also humans which means they are not perfect and get things wrong sometimes and don't always handle every situation perfectly all the time. Add a highly charged emotion to the mix and it would be suprising if anyone handled it correctly. It is so easy to comment when you are not involved and behind a keyboard.
At work ( children's services) we talk about a 'good enough parent' which acknowledges people don't always handle every situation correct. I think the % of being a good enough parent was 80/20.

This is so important and so often gets forgotten on here. The DP in this case was dealing with the loss of his baby, and the DDs behaviour was appalling. I won't argue that he said the best possible thing that would be most recommended on a parenting course, but not everyone parents like they're on a parenting course 100% of the time. He didn't do anything bad enough to warrant the reaction of OP and people on here.

[AllOfThemWitches]

The DP in this case was dealing with the loss of his baby

More importantly, OP was dealing with the loss of her pregnancy, her little daughter clearly picked up on something (I mean, why wouldn't she, her mum was upset) and all he did was make everything worse when a bit of understand would have made all the difference.