AIBU?
To go on honeymoon without young DC?
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 17:48
So finally, after 7 years and 2 DC together DP and I are getting married in November. We have booked our honeymoon and plan to not take the DC. They will be 5 and 20 months when we go away and we'll be gone for 10 days. My parents have very generously offered to have them. They've had them before but the longest has been 3 days (all was fine). Youngest goes to my parents at least one day a week whilst I work and has done since 6 months old so is well used to them.
I am really looking forward to it but a friend has made me second guess myself, she looked frankly horrified when I said we weren't taking the DC and said how young they still were, how long we'd be gone for etc.
This will be the first time we'll have gone on 'proper' holiday without DC and the first time DP will have been abroad! I'm now starting to worry I will traumatise them by leaving them for 10 days!
YABU - Your friend is right
YANBU - Enjoy the honeymoon, kids will be fine
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:29
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 18:24
Can you share links to the studies you found that state this? Not being goady, genuinely asking. I'm a scientist myself so appreciate peer reviewed research!
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:20
How do you know the kids will be fine? I’ve had a little look if any research has been done into this, and while the data is hard to verify in some cases, studies suggest that leaving a child under the age of 3 for more than 2-3 days can leave lasting trauma. I know we’d all like time away, there’s not many people who I know who’d be happy to knob off on a ten day holiday leaving their baby at home. Surely a long weekend would be best for now, and a longer holiday when the child has a bit of a clue what’s going on and that mum and dad are coming back? My kids are 6-15 and would likely be upset if I said I was leaving them for ten days.
Justmuddlingalong · 18/03/2023 18:11
Don't give it a second thought. Go and enjoy yourselves. The kid's will be fine.
Your friend sounds...odd/jealous/bitter/one of "those" mums.
*Delete as applicable
Google ‘how long is it ok to leave a 1 year old to go on holiday’ and click through the articles. I have a feeling that any I link post will be picked apart. For me it’s common sense that a baby will be distraught. But there are studies on it.
Sapphire387 · 18/03/2023 18:31
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:26
They’re leaving a 1 and 5yo. Completely out of order imo. You can be a couple without scaring the shit out of your babies. I’ve seen people come on here and get ripped to shreds for saying they’re thinking of leaving their puppy for a week to go on holiday. Apparently that’s disgusting, but a baby wondering where mummy and daddy have gone for so long is fine, is it? I wouldn’t even leave a 5yo for that long, but at least they know what’s happening
Justmuddlingalong · 18/03/2023 18:23
They're parents, and a family, but also a couple. They're not knobbing off, they're having a honeymoon. Leaving the kids with capable, willing grandparents.
People sometimes have to be apart from their kids for various reasons. This is a honeymoon, it's obviously a special occasion, and the children are with their loving grandparents.
Do you honestly enjoy just making people feel bad? How do you know it's going to scare the shit out of the kids?
Mumsnet is weird about dogs - I can't see why someone couldn't leave their puppy in the care of someone else.
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 18:32
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:29
Google ‘how long is it ok to leave a 1 year old to go on holiday’ and click through the articles. I have a feeling that any I link post will be picked apart. For me it’s common sense that a baby will be distraught. But there are studies on it.
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 18:24
Can you share links to the studies you found that state this? Not being goady, genuinely asking. I'm a scientist myself so appreciate peer reviewed research!
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:20
How do you know the kids will be fine? I’ve had a little look if any research has been done into this, and while the data is hard to verify in some cases, studies suggest that leaving a child under the age of 3 for more than 2-3 days can leave lasting trauma. I know we’d all like time away, there’s not many people who I know who’d be happy to knob off on a ten day holiday leaving their baby at home. Surely a long weekend would be best for now, and a longer holiday when the child has a bit of a clue what’s going on and that mum and dad are coming back? My kids are 6-15 and would likely be upset if I said I was leaving them for ten days.
Justmuddlingalong · 18/03/2023 18:11
Don't give it a second thought. Go and enjoy yourselves. The kid's will be fine.
Your friend sounds...odd/jealous/bitter/one of "those" mums.
*Delete as applicable
Not at all, as long as it's a genuine peer reviewed study I will read and consider it. Judging by your language in other comments though you think I'm a complete monster for even considering it.
user1469032438 · 18/03/2023 18:33
I went on a 10 day honey moon last year when DD was 5, like you she stayed with my lovely parents who see a few times a week and we used to live with so knows them very well!
Honestly, would I do it again? No. She was fine for the first 4 or 5 days but then she started to get really stressed, I face timed her every day and spoke to her but she didn't cope well towards the end and I regret going for so long. Not to mention I found it very very hard to be away from her for so long too and couldn't enjoy myself either.
DD is fine now btw and has nice memories of her holiday at nanas but it took a few weeks for her to really get back to herself :(
Kranke · 18/03/2023 18:37
I think the OP knows her children and parents better than we do. If they’re ok with it, then I don’t see the problem. I’m surprised at the comment from a friend though. It really annoys me when people do this unsolicited. I left my 8m old with their father to go to a leaving do of a very close friend. I was there for 2hrs and an ex-colleague kept saying to me whenever she could ‘oh I don’t know how you could bear to be apart from them for that long, I could never do it with mine, I just loved them too much’. My child was asleep for the majority of the time I was out!!
LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 18/03/2023 18:37
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 18:24
Can you share links to the studies you found that state this? Not being goady, genuinely asking. I'm a scientist myself so appreciate peer reviewed research!
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:20
How do you know the kids will be fine? I’ve had a little look if any research has been done into this, and while the data is hard to verify in some cases, studies suggest that leaving a child under the age of 3 for more than 2-3 days can leave lasting trauma. I know we’d all like time away, there’s not many people who I know who’d be happy to knob off on a ten day holiday leaving their baby at home. Surely a long weekend would be best for now, and a longer holiday when the child has a bit of a clue what’s going on and that mum and dad are coming back? My kids are 6-15 and would likely be upset if I said I was leaving them for ten days.
Justmuddlingalong · 18/03/2023 18:11
Don't give it a second thought. Go and enjoy yourselves. The kid's will be fine.
Your friend sounds...odd/jealous/bitter/one of "those" mums.
*Delete as applicable
This is not the time for peer reviewed research. This is the time to be in touch with you mother's intuition and do what you FEEL is right. What feels right? I know what feels right to me.
Kranke · 18/03/2023 18:39
LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 18/03/2023 18:37
This is not the time for peer reviewed research. This is the time to be in touch with you mother's intuition and do what you FEEL is right. What feels right? I know what feels right to me.
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 18:24
Can you share links to the studies you found that state this? Not being goady, genuinely asking. I'm a scientist myself so appreciate peer reviewed research!
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:20
How do you know the kids will be fine? I’ve had a little look if any research has been done into this, and while the data is hard to verify in some cases, studies suggest that leaving a child under the age of 3 for more than 2-3 days can leave lasting trauma. I know we’d all like time away, there’s not many people who I know who’d be happy to knob off on a ten day holiday leaving their baby at home. Surely a long weekend would be best for now, and a longer holiday when the child has a bit of a clue what’s going on and that mum and dad are coming back? My kids are 6-15 and would likely be upset if I said I was leaving them for ten days.
Justmuddlingalong · 18/03/2023 18:11
Don't give it a second thought. Go and enjoy yourselves. The kid's will be fine.
Your friend sounds...odd/jealous/bitter/one of "those" mums.
*Delete as applicable
Exactly, the OP feels fine with it, so who is anyone else to judge?
Flowerblooms · 18/03/2023 18:40
If you feel happy and comfortable leaving your kids with grandparents for 10 days that’s all that matters.
I personally wouldn’t, I have only slept away from my child for 1 night at a time and that has been a handful of times in 13 years but I wouldn’t judge anyone who does go on holiday for longer without their kids.
Everyone parents their kids and does what they think is right for them and their kids.
Nanny0gg · 18/03/2023 18:40
Kranke · 18/03/2023 18:39
Exactly, the OP feels fine with it, so who is anyone else to judge?
LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 18/03/2023 18:37
This is not the time for peer reviewed research. This is the time to be in touch with you mother's intuition and do what you FEEL is right. What feels right? I know what feels right to me.
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 18:24
Can you share links to the studies you found that state this? Not being goady, genuinely asking. I'm a scientist myself so appreciate peer reviewed research!
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:20
How do you know the kids will be fine? I’ve had a little look if any research has been done into this, and while the data is hard to verify in some cases, studies suggest that leaving a child under the age of 3 for more than 2-3 days can leave lasting trauma. I know we’d all like time away, there’s not many people who I know who’d be happy to knob off on a ten day holiday leaving their baby at home. Surely a long weekend would be best for now, and a longer holiday when the child has a bit of a clue what’s going on and that mum and dad are coming back? My kids are 6-15 and would likely be upset if I said I was leaving them for ten days.
Justmuddlingalong · 18/03/2023 18:11
Don't give it a second thought. Go and enjoy yourselves. The kid's will be fine.
Your friend sounds...odd/jealous/bitter/one of "those" mums.
*Delete as applicable
She did ask...
SouthLondonMum22 · 18/03/2023 18:43
Go. You are allowed to have time away from your children and it sounds like they'll have a lovely time with Grandparents they are used to and more than comfortable with.
Your relationship matters and spending some quality time together without children is important.
DS will be 6 months when we go away for the weekend in June and we're considering 7 days away next year when he'll be around 18 months.
I'd also consider making new friends.
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:46
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 18:32
Not at all, as long as it's a genuine peer reviewed study I will read and consider it. Judging by your language in other comments though you think I'm a complete monster for even considering it.
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:29
Google ‘how long is it ok to leave a 1 year old to go on holiday’ and click through the articles. I have a feeling that any I link post will be picked apart. For me it’s common sense that a baby will be distraught. But there are studies on it.
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 18:24
Can you share links to the studies you found that state this? Not being goady, genuinely asking. I'm a scientist myself so appreciate peer reviewed research!
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:20
How do you know the kids will be fine? I’ve had a little look if any research has been done into this, and while the data is hard to verify in some cases, studies suggest that leaving a child under the age of 3 for more than 2-3 days can leave lasting trauma. I know we’d all like time away, there’s not many people who I know who’d be happy to knob off on a ten day holiday leaving their baby at home. Surely a long weekend would be best for now, and a longer holiday when the child has a bit of a clue what’s going on and that mum and dad are coming back? My kids are 6-15 and would likely be upset if I said I was leaving them for ten days.
Justmuddlingalong · 18/03/2023 18:11
Don't give it a second thought. Go and enjoy yourselves. The kid's will be fine.
Your friend sounds...odd/jealous/bitter/one of "those" mums.
*Delete as applicable
Well yes. We clearly have different priorities and standards when it comes to raising children. You’re literally having to actively research whether your children may be traumatised and psychologically damaged because your desire for a long holiday is more important than their welfare. But you’re still obviously going to go 🤷🏼♀️ like there’s a single baby on this planet who would be delighted at their parents disappearing out of their lives for what must seem like an eternity to them.
CoffeeBean5 · 18/03/2023 18:48
The 5 year old will be fine because they will understand. However, I think 10 days is way too long for the 20 month old. They won’t understand and might think you won’t return as they don’t have any concept of time. It will be difficult for your parents to manage that separation anxiety for so long. I think 2-3 nights would be ok though.
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:48
LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 18/03/2023 18:37
This is not the time for peer reviewed research. This is the time to be in touch with you mother's intuition and do what you FEEL is right. What feels right? I know what feels right to me.
StrawberryButtons · 18/03/2023 18:24
Can you share links to the studies you found that state this? Not being goady, genuinely asking. I'm a scientist myself so appreciate peer reviewed research!
Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 18:20
How do you know the kids will be fine? I’ve had a little look if any research has been done into this, and while the data is hard to verify in some cases, studies suggest that leaving a child under the age of 3 for more than 2-3 days can leave lasting trauma. I know we’d all like time away, there’s not many people who I know who’d be happy to knob off on a ten day holiday leaving their baby at home. Surely a long weekend would be best for now, and a longer holiday when the child has a bit of a clue what’s going on and that mum and dad are coming back? My kids are 6-15 and would likely be upset if I said I was leaving them for ten days.
Justmuddlingalong · 18/03/2023 18:11
Don't give it a second thought. Go and enjoy yourselves. The kid's will be fine.
Your friend sounds...odd/jealous/bitter/one of "those" mums.
*Delete as applicable
That’s the worst thing about it for me. The op needs to judge how much damage it may cause her children by peer reviewed research. If there’s only a little chance of long term trauma, then fuck it, may as well take the holiday
berksandbeyond · 18/03/2023 18:50
SouthLondonMum22 · 18/03/2023 18:43
Go. You are allowed to have time away from your children and it sounds like they'll have a lovely time with Grandparents they are used to and more than comfortable with.
Your relationship matters and spending some quality time together without children is important.
DS will be 6 months when we go away for the weekend in June and we're considering 7 days away next year when he'll be around 18 months.
I'd also consider making new friends.
You can spend quality time with your partner without the kids without buggering off on holiday. There is a happy medium
flexigirl · 18/03/2023 18:51
I wouldn't personally , even the five year old is young to be left that length of time. A few days might be ok but what will your parents do if the children struggle with that length of time not with mummy or daddy. That being said , it's your choice and you friend should have kept her opinion to herself really. It IS entirely up to you and just because opinions on here wouldn't do it , you don't have to listen. Have a wonderful wedding OP
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