What’s ‘nice’, anyway? It was a word my teachers told me never to use. And now that I’m well into adulthood, not to mention far down the track of female socialization, I see what wise advice this was. ‘It’s nice to be nice’, the old adage goes, but it’s a platitude generally trotted out when cajoling someone – almost certainly a woman – to put someone else’s comfort or interests before their own.
You can be as much of a people pleaser as you want: that’s if you even recognize that you are one considering the way this message is dripfed into females from our infancy. The trouble is, this doesn’t buy the liking or respect of others who won’t necessarily see you as a ‘nice’ person. Some will be out for what they can get and might even despise you as a pushover. Oddly enough, though, if you’ve ever been one of these (I’m a reformed people pleaser) and you somehow crack this habit, you frequently find people respond to you differently. Your own life becomes easier. Oddly enough, the ability to say ‘no’ and to stop caring what others think of me has actually had the reverse effect of making me less liked. And nowadays I don’t care about being thought a nice person, or find it essential for people to like me.
I’m no pushover. I don’t allow people to take liberties with me, although loved ones are permitted some. I don’t feel the need to be polite to men who are harassing me in public for example, and I'm quick and fairly ruthless when it comes to heading off unwanted contact. Equally, I’m not of an envious disposition. I don’t wish anybody ill. My friends are those I genuinely care for: I only want the best for them and I know the real meaning of friendship, love and loyalty.
But ‘nice?’ No. You can’t please everyone, and everyone won’t like you. Sometimes our lives are happier when we don’t try.