Do you think you're a nice person?

[haioopl]

I go out of my way for friends and will consider other’s feelings etc. But this is mostly for my own gain, to feel liked and needed. I can be incredibly selfish and often have very selfish thoughts. Is anyone truly nice? Truly genuine?

I do feel jealous at times but the difference my mind wouldn’t wish that someone else hadn’t gotten a promotion, it would instead think about ways I can improve and get one too. It’s not that people are always happy for others but i’m neutral, I wouldn’t be unhappy someone else had done well. You’re trying to normalise hatefulness but it’s not really that normal.

I think I am. I offer help, I work hard, I'm friendly and chatty to people and make effort to stay in contact with people but I get nothing in return. My phone calls/messages often go unanswered if I try to make plans with people. Perhaps I'd be better off being rude, impolite and disinterested in people.

I'd genuinely be interested to hear from people who never feel jealousy, who are genuinely happy for other people all the time.

I was like that for about the first 30 years of my life, I was not happy for a small number of people who cause a lot of extreme damage after that age.

Generally family, friends, strangers I am very happy for them that things go well abd will help them. I have not been the jealous type, its the thief of joy.

I am suffering jealousy now over an issue due to 'women plus' (sacred men to many) because they stole from women and it made me miserable as I can't get basic healthcare I need, due to NHS Annexe B I fund that NHS and cannot safely use it.

So envy got me in the end too.

Generally I don't get jealous. I am not materialistic, i have had lots of nice experiences, I don't care about looks so someone being pretty doesn't bother me, social status is meaningless to me as nobody seems to like the big cheese and it's all fake, big groups of friends are fake, achievements like winning things meant nothing to me it feels empty, I watch delight in others as they win and don't get what the thrill is when they win, if we get woman only back I wouldn't feel delight as a load of whinging narcs will be upset and they caused so much harm it will be empty.

If a couple are getting married for the first time and I hear they are starting a family I am very happy for them my heart and chest swells with joy. I feel nothing if it's a second relationship that cause destruction to others like Johnson who abandoned children, I guess that's why winning is meaningless as I see losers. I don't hate them or wish ill on them I just am not happy for them, I don't think most people are happy for the couple except maybe their parents in that type of situation, they just fake they are.

I was influenced in childhood by this.

I have righteous anger at the 'women plus' who through their envy of women stole from us women.

You may enjoy reading more Thomas Acquinas if envy is something you want to quit.

Thomas lists the “daughters” of Envy are: tale-bearing, detraction, schadenfreude (joy at the misfortune of others), hatred. By these things we seek to denigrate others or reduce the esteem which they are owed. In effect I dismiss the good and destroy its influence.

Virtues that overcome envy - The proper response to observing goodness or excellence in another is joy and zeal. We should rejoice that they are blessed, because when they are blessed, we are blessed. Further, we should respond with a zeal that seeks to imitate (where possible) their goodness or excellence. Perhaps we can learn from them or from their good example. Instead, envy rejects joy and zeal, and with sorrow and anger sets out to destroy what is good.

@tunamayo81 Ironically your post isn't very nice. The insinuation that I'm abnormal is subtle in its viciousness. The worst kind in my opinion.
I guess niceness comes in different forms.
Some people are outwardly kind and empathetic and care about upsetting others, and other dont care, but feel less jealousy.

God I find this thread a bit depressing but confirms what I had noticed anyway . People only seems to care about their own circles.
I can be self absorbed but I don’t think I am selfish . Not sure if I am nice but I try to be kind and inclusive. Nice is what other people think of us but what matters is how you view yourself . I wish I didn’t care so much life would be much easier.

Good question. I don’t know. I’m nice to the people I love and care about and work with or generally know. I like talking to strangers and my instinct is to help a person in need but I’m also generally impatient and intolerant of people who don’t try to help themselves or have a woe is me attitude.

This.

@LittleFingerStrength that was really interesting, thank you. I would genuinely love to overcome those feelings. That last paragraph is an enlightening read. I don't find those feelings arise often, but when they do I want to learn to combat them!

I'd genuinely be interested to hear from people who never feel jealousy, who are genuinely happy for other people all the time.

I understand that jealousy is feeling unhappy that someone else has what you want, or has something you feel like they shouldn’t/don’t deserve, but it’s not an emotion I can point to and say ‘yes! I know what that feels like!’. When I hear what people describe, I don’t recognize it as something I have felt, or have felt to a degree that I can immediately recognize the emotion.

I don’t think this makes me special and neither do I believe it means that I lack the capacity for jealousy, just that it’s not something that’s featured up to now. Maybe it’s because I’ve been fortunate enough in life that if I’ve wanted something, I’ve not found it difficult to get it, and I’ve always believed that if I want something then I will get it. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never felt denied that I’m not a jealous person. That doesn’t mean I’m always happy when someone gets something, but I’m indifferent rather than resentful.

Could have wrote this myself. Exactly me

I would say I used to be a nice , sweet and friendly person but at the grand old age of 36 my life has been hard and I have been hurt and let down by friends and family once too often. I have lost my faith in humans to be nice anymore. But having said that who wants to be nice , nice people don't get by very well in this world.

It wasn’t vicious or subtle, it was just factual and direct. Instead of acknowledging you have some problems that you need to take steps to work on, you’re trying to justify it by telling yourself everyone thinks/behaves like that and they absolutely don’t.

Well you don’t actually sound very nice 😂.
A thread full of people confessing they don’t think they’re nice. You’re one of the few people confidently declaring that they’re nice but yet you’re also one of the few trying to take down another poster. Don’t bother trying to polish your halo, you won’t get it to shine.

It's because it's written by a great philosopher not randoms on MN.

@tunamayo81

Eh? What part of the below (direct quote) was me trying to justify myself or claim everyone feels the same?

"I'd genuinely be interested to hear from people who never feel jealousy, who are genuinely happy for other people all the time"

As it happens based on this thread, it seems a lot of people do feel the same. I'd rather be occasionally jealous than deliberately rude to people.

I’m nice in that I am fairly benign, for example I would never dream of stealing from or ripping off anyone else. I genuinely don’t do envy, ever. I try not to be outwardly judgemental and I make a point of never gossiping, to the extent that I know I can come across to those who do enjoy a gossip as somewhat aloof.

I’m not so nice in that I do not suffer fools at all, I can be quite blunt, I’m not particularly sociable, I am quite selfish about how I spend my free time, I am careful with my money, I’m a bit of a loner and I sometimes like being the odd one out.

’Nice’ means different things to different people. I think a lot of the time ‘be nice’ is code for ‘be an insipid ‘be kind, always!’ people-pleaser and general doormat’. I also find that it’s the self/proclaimed ‘nice’ that are most performative in their ‘niceness’ when demanding service from others, being quick to harangue and shame those that aren’t inclined to do what they’re told or toe the party line.

Oh wow, I know someone on this thread. They claim they are a nice person and don't understand people who aren't nice!!! They are the most judgmental person I know -look down their nose at others, call people common on a daily basis, and take pleasure in going on the baby name threads to tell people their baby names are "chavvy" (their word not mine). A simple search of their user name would confirm this.

See, if I had to choose to be on the receiving end of either, I would take the rudeness every time, over someone being pleasant to my face and secretly wishing ill on me. With the former you know exactly where you stand, whereas the latter is insidious and malign.

I think I'm too nice, but I hate it because it comes across that I'm a pushover and I end up being treated badly.

I hate confrontations because often when I feel angry I feel like I want to cry and it's not because I'm a mard arse, it's just weird, It's like I want to cry with anger instead of shout or scream.. for this reason I tend not to get into confrontations about anything, I completely avoid any situation like that because I'd feel so stupid if my eyes started filling with tears during an argument.

Also, I would never want to upset or offend anyone so any twinges of annoyance or anger are promptly swallowed and added to my every increasing anxiety/stress levels/rocketing BP.

I mean, maybe I'm not as nice as I think I am, maybe all my anger is just festering inside and one day all of my concealed bile will just burst out and everyone who's slighted me will suffer the wrath of Jaffa 😡

You are me are very similar.

This is pretty much me.

I’d add that I have no interest in being ‘nice’, in being perceived to be ‘nice’, or surrounding myself with ‘nice’ people. I loathe people-pleasers who are so afraid of being disliked they trot about after people they neither like nor respect. I like interesting people.

I’m a cunt on here and in real life yet surprisingly people still like me 😂

I think I'm a bit the opposite of many of these posts.

I actually think I'm nicer than most people probably think I am. I genuinely never think nasty stuff about anyone unless they are actively attacking me, and even then I'm more likely to explain away their behaviour as coming from a place of hurt rather than them just being shits. Never feel jealousy. Other people being happy makes my day, even if it's just seeing people laughing or being loving with each other in the street.

I have a lot of deep empathy for others pain and misfortune and have done a lot of charity stuff because I genuinely care. I get flooded with sorrow when I see others in pain.

If someone needs help I will be there. I always hope the best for people.

But I'm very antisocial- I don't do any of the nice/ performative niceness... I don't stand at the school gate or go to neighbourhood events, chatting, asking people about their families. And I'm not the most emotionally intelligent, so I think I probably hurt people's feelings sometimes without realizing that something I said made them feel bad....