Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

[TeePee22]

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

Interesting to see so many women doing the OP's husband's work for him, to paraphrase;

'Prize pig'

'You don't know what you're doing'

'You're bound to fail'

'They all look disgusting'

'Can't you just get some sexy photos done for him?'

'Are you still giving him enough sex?'

He's hated her exercising, but is happy enough for her to stay at home with the child whilst he's in the pub.

He is then saying that he will not have his possession wife doing this. He doesn't want other people - men - to see her body.

He is then saying it'll be embarrassing for him. Why? A beginner's comp is hardly front page news on the local rag's website. Nobody's ever going to know outside bodybuilding competition fans - and even those that do see her aren't going to have a clue that the hardworking, dedicated, good looking woman is anything to do with a pompous boozehound sulking on a sofa somewhere between York and Brighton with an extra large Dominos and a four pack of Fosters.

You’re absolutely right with your last paragraph. It makes absolutely no sense at all that he’d be opposed to this because he’d be embarrassed. It’s almost as if there’s another reason (or many other reasons) that make a lot more sense that OP has intentionally not mentioned in her OP because she knew if she said he opposed it because he’s a sexist pig she’d get support but if she said he opposed it because she’s destroying her family by spending hours a day at the gym and spaffing money on her hobby then people would take his side. The most obvious answer is almost always the correct one - and the most obvious answer here is that OP is lying. If his issue is her being on stage then why would he have had a problem with her going to the gym so much before she said she wanted to do a competition? That doesn’t make sense.

Have to say OP, I love your attitude towards this... Make me wonder if it's jealousy from your husband, however jealousy in a bigger sense. What I mean is, he's possibly jealous of your "get up and go, can do, grab life by the balls and just go for it" attitude. I think men are sometimes threatened by this in a woman... Such fools.

We all know, life is so, so short. Imagine all possible scenarios and you're 85. What would the older you have said to yourself now, if she could?

I'm sorry he isn't supportive of this, it feels like an incredible shame to me. He should be so proud of you, I. M. O.

If you go for it, I hope you have an absolute blast! X

I disagree with you on that - what I think is that he is lying and it's a case of a bog standard man trying to knock his wife's self esteem in case she realises that actually, he isn't all that after all and, if she ever wanted to, she could do far, far better.

In response:

1. I got the money

1. I'll make the time

1. Family members are old enough to sort themselves out

1. No it doesn't. It restricts what I can eat and that has fuck all impact on my family

1. I don't talk about it outside the inner circle. Anyway, it's no more boring than folk who constantly whitter on about their children, grandchildren or interior décor

1. That's subjective, not objective. I think it's a fabulous look

1. N/A. There's no DH or DP in my life

1. There is sweet FA wrong with my self-esteem.. Trust me, it's absolutely fine

1. Really? I used to be morbidly obese. Now that's proven to be bad for my health.

Are you missing anything? A bit of joy, I reckon. But hey, that's fine no skin off my nose. I only mentioned it because you asked.

What on earth made you think I was talking about you?! I was posting on the OP’s thread about the OP’s situation. What a fucking odd thing to do! Do you do this on every thread? Just assume the role of the OP and respond to people as if they’re talking to you? Strange behaviour. No one was talking about you. Your reasons why it works for you to do it in your family don’t apply to the OP because she’s not you. She does a DH, she does have young DCs… I don’t understand what point you could possibly have been trying to make.

I genuinely thought this was a name change fail.

Obviously your DH wouldn’t be affected by you body building if you don’t have a DH. Obviously your DC wouldn’t need looking after if your DC are old enough to look after themselves. Obviously a single person wouldn’t be using shared finances to fund it. If you have no self-esteem issues then that’s great but OP has said that she does. Restrictive eating around young children has been proven to impact them negatively.

No one asked you anything about why it works in your life, they just pointed out many reasons why it wouldn’t work in the OP’s life. This thread isn’t about you and no one asked you anything.

Ah, so sorry you find my behaviour strange. Call 111 if you're concerned.

You were having a dig at the OP and the bodybuilding community in general. I'm just sticking up for her and them.

Congrats Op and well done for doing something for your own physical and mental health. Your dh sounds like he's projecting because it's not something he wants to do for himself and if his own health isn't great it's probably more reason to resent you. I don't know when or how much you train but these things take dedication. The only thing I'd be annoyed about is if you were out every night/ weekend which impacted significantly on family life. Btw I go to the gym 3 times a week but work around family life where possible!

Good luck in your competition

Are you drunk?

You’re very defensive of a community that you and the OP aren’t actually a part of yet and are simply intending to become a part of.

He's jealous, he doesn't like the idea of you succeeding in this where he has failed. You go for it, and I wish you all the best. It takes dedication but not balls. Sorry, I hate this expression, along with 'man up' etc. It shows a deeply ingrained misogynistic belief that women are weak and inferior. How many men would have their wives threaten to divorce them if they did body building? It takes far more courage for a women to succeed in almost every sphere of life, so the expression makes no sense anyway.

I don't give a shiny shit who asked me what.

This a thread designed to dig at the bodybuilding community. It includes the OP, who's getting a shedload of shit from women who should be supporting her. And it includes me.

I don't need your approval to comment. It's a public forum.

@SweetSenorita are you not the OP with a name change fail then? That's weird...

If you think the thread was designed to dig at bodybuilders then why are you on the OP’s side? You obviously don’t need my permission to post - but, a heads up, no one needs your permission either. You also don’t get to decide how other women should be responding to the OP. You’re not the big shot you’re making yourself out to be. You’re mostly coming across as pissed off that people aren’t impressed that you’re trying to become and actually aren’t even yet a bodybuilder.

Bit uncalled for. I'm TT as it happens, due to past events.

I'm definitely part of the community. I just haven't formally competed yet.

You can’t trot out the aggression, nastiness and sarcasm you’ve repeatedly thrown out on this thread and then claim to be offended by “are you drunk?” as if you’re a sweet wee wallflower. If you’re that sensitive then don’t start on others.

Just do it and if he wants a divorce because of it, you are well out of it.

If you were “definitely part of the community” then you would know that it takes a fuck tonne of time and money to compete in a competition and that it absolutely would have a huge impact on your spouse (if you had one). If you were “definitely a part of the community” then you’d know that it can become incredibly unhealthy very quickly because you’d have seen it happen to people over and over and over again. You’d know the impact on young children, you’d know the impact on other areas of your life and you’d know that it’s not actually a good space for anyone with self-esteem issues. People who are actually a part of the community have made those points throughout this thread.

I never suggested you needed my permission. Post on. I'm listening.

I do not think I'm any kind of big shot. You have no idea what I think, do you?

I have no fucks to give whether you're impressed or not. MN in general was bever gonna be impressed because it's not seen as a good thing to do, particularly for women. So, you got that wrong too.

I'm supporting the OP because I think it's a good thing to do. She didn't start the thread to dig at bodybuilding. It's other posters who have done that.

I know all this. All the others in my camp are in relationships and have young children. We talk. A lot.

Disagree about the cost, which I don't think is outlandish.

Anything can get unhealthy if it becomes an obsession.

You decided the terminology that’s applicable to the (usually) most popular class was offensive.

It is patronising. The women who compete in bikini have also put huge amounts of effort in.

Anyway, as I said, my trainer know what's what. He's been doing this for years, I've been training with him for years and he knows how to keep me safe and give me the best chance of enjoying the experience.

Good luck to the OP. I hope we both get there this year 😘

So you understand very clearly why the OP’s DH may have very valid reasons to not want OP engaging in it? And you understand why your ridiculous response to PP about your (different) situation is completely irrelevant to the OP?

Sometimes you realise you still have more weight to lose...

...About 15 stone of fragile male.

Do the show, he won't divorce you.

Op has admitted it’s an obsession. When you have adhd things can become obsessions quickly and it doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Even if you feel it helps. So it sounds like you believe that if it becomes an obsession it’s a problem?

of course it’s costs a lot of money to compete. Your ‘camp’, your tan, your make up and hair, your outfit, travel, training, the food all adds up.

I am not saying it’s not worth paying. And as you are single you don’t need to consider anyone else. But to pretend it’s not much when you described your own bikini as ‘ridiculously expensive’, isn’t being honest.