Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

[TeePee22]

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

This is it. Some people really don't like certain looks.

I see lots of threads from people saying they hate tattoos, think they're vile, and would hate their husband to have them. Some women hate beards on men.

I'm heavily tattooed, so is DH. We both like tattoos. DH has always had a beard. I'm sure women who hate beards wouldn't like him.

I really really dislike heavy muscles/the bodybuilding look, it makes me shudder. I'm not sure how I'd feel if DH started to look like that. I didn't date large muscular men because I hate the look.

If OP is becoming something that her husband finds unattractive then that's a tough one.

Oh I totally agree with you re the having your body judged part, I would never do that personally, but I’m talking specifically about the comments around the aesthetic being unattractive, like that should really matter.

Ok, but this comes from a man who is over weight to the point OP is worried for his health, yet he’s still off down the pub drinking all the time. It’s a double standard.

Actually, a correction, has he even said he finds it unattractive? I think that’s just been the opinion of some people on this thread, as if it’s relevant and OP should care about looking conventionally ‘pretty’.

I'd hate it if DO suddenly became a gym addict, slathering himself in mahogany tan and showing off on a stage.

I wouldn't leave him of course. I would find it deeply unattractive.

See you on stage @TeePee22 I'm 56 and am making my debut this year. The bikini is sparkly and ridiculously expensive 👙

I have no DH or DP to tell me I'm ridiculous 😍

But would you say he can't do it because it'll embarrass you?

Hey OP, I don't have a lot of time but I wanted to say that if your marriage hinges on this, it's not a marriage worth having anyway.
Do the show.

Well in my mind you are free to do what you want. Including doing bikini shows.

He is free to do anything he wants. Including divorcing you for doing bikini shows.

Plenty of people on here post about "dealbreakers". People are allowed to have all sorts of different dealbreakers I guess, and so long as everything point in marriage doesn't become a dealbreaker it seems reasonable to me.

I guess between the two of you you could come up with a compromise that keeps you both reasonably happy, but will probably end up with neither of you getting quite what you want. This, as far as I can tell, is how marriage generally works.

Maybe you could get yourself show ready and get some professional pics done - a halfway house between what he wants and what you want ?

The fact you're calling it a 'bikini show' says everything about your opinion on the matter.

Ah no: a bodybuilder's body is a fabulous look on both women and men 😍

It really isn’t. Male body builders make me heave.

‘Bikini’ is one of the classes in many competitions.

So many women will be ‘bikini competitors’ in the Bikini section of the show.

@CocaineBear and others who are throwing shade on the OP because you don't like a body builders look or for OP being proud of her new body - that's not the point of the questions she asked. She's not looking for people to show love to or as is the case totally hate on her new hobby or new body.....

She's asking if her partner should is reasonable to threaten divorce because she wants to do 1 body building show. Its a very simple question and in my mind a very simple answer.

Clearly my view is 'No it is not reasonable for him to threaten divorce for that' - he's most likely not going to divorce her. The issue her is the threat - he is being coercive and controlling by basically threatening to ruin her family if she does 1 thing that won't harm anyone and is not 'cheating' on her marriage, its actually 1 thing she wants to do as a celebration of her hard work and achievement.

Its horrible he's threatening to ruin her family life; his family life and their children's family life all to stop her doing something totally harmless.

@IDontWantToBeAPie he didn't say she wasn't attractive, he said she'd embarrass him by doing a competition - two very different things. Perhaps he'd be embarrassed because he's overweight and doesn't do a thing to help himself. Perhaps he's worried people will like her because she's got more confidence and is more healthy.

From your OP it sounds fine, but having known a couple who split up over bodybuilding I can see your DH's side. In this case it was a man doing the competitions and it ate into every aspect of thier lives. He ended up going from being clean to heavily reliant on steroids which changed his personality and killed thier sex life because she said the steroids shrank his balls which gave her the ick. Even if you are clean now OP, will you be able to resist the temptation to stay that way once you have done a few competitions?

Tbh I would also be pissed off if I was being nagged to go to a bodybuilding gym.

If you feel like your relationship is breaking down anyway then go for it, but if you think he is serious, the suggestion of getting photos done is a good one.

*if you think he is being serious and you do not want to divorce

Sorry!

Great. Leaves 'em free for me then 😘

If you compete with a natural federation, then PEDS are not permitted.

We're not all knocking back substances 😚

It would be fair for a spouse to have concerns about time commitment and expense. There are also legitimate concerns about the health impacts of taking this particular hobby to extremes. Those kind of issues can arise with all sorts of hobbies. In a good marriage, people will address these issues if they come up, sometimes those concerns are valid and compromise is needed.

however

if he is just worried about you wearing a bikini on stage, I would tell him it is none of his business.

I know, but a lot of body builders don't do clean competitions. OP hasn't confirmed what she would be doing either way but honestly if my husband said he was getting into body building, it would be one of my main concerns, even if he started out natural.

Fair point, many don't. But some of us do.

I get the feeling that OP would be looking at a natural fed 🙏

Yanbu.

Yes It’s a huge commitment but it’s relatively short term. And to be honest his tone and wording would have got my back right up. As op said, he didn’t mention the impact on the family or her health, just that no wife of his would be parading on a stage. Misogynistic knobber.

I understand what people are saying about the reaction if this was a man, but it’s like comparing apples and oranges. I know lots of men with time-consuming hobbies and not one gets up at the crack of dawn to partake in said hobby and then get their arse back in time to get the kids up and ready for school (they may leave a bit early to get the hobby done before work but there is definitely no helping with kids involved). I also know loads of women, myself included, who also have demanding, challenging time consuming hobbies. Without exception we do it on our own time and it doesn’t impact the family at all. Obviously there’s something wrong with that but in my experience it’s how it is.

To clarify, op is wanting to take part in a bodybuilding competition.

What in the actual fuck is a ‘bikini show’?

Again. Bikini is a competitor class.

@Donnashair but that's not what the OP said she was doing, and it was phrased in that way to berate her, quite clearly.