Husband said I can’t do something .. is he unreasonable or am I ?

[TeePee22]

Namechanged as I’m fairly sure he knows my old username ( shared iPad )
4 years ago I was overweight and had been since I had my first child also had some health problems . I joined a gym and fell in love with training . Got a PT and have really developed in bodybuilding … if I may say so myself I have built a pretty good body which has taken hundreds of hours of work and commitment . It’s not been quick and it’s certainly not been easy but I have done the grind day in day out dragged myself in the gym at 5 am etc .
Im hurtling towards menopause and at the end of last year had a great idea of oh I want to do a bodybuilding show .
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it takes huge dedication and balls to stand on a stage in a sparkly bikini and be judged on your physique . I just want a day where I’m glam and have some amazing photos to show when I’m really old .. look that was me kind of thing .
This has set off world war 3 in my household , I started comp prep beginning of the month with my coach and he has now flat out said I’m not doing it or we are getting divorced and no wife of his is and I quote “prancing around on a stage” and what if anyone finds out he would be the laughing stock ?
he has always hated everything to do with my gym time ( and yes it’s a daily commitment but I don’t feel it encroaches on life I manage to parent 3 children one who is still quite young and a stressful job ) FYI he is overweight despite me trying to do everything to encourage him he does zero exercise which worries me daily . I have tried to involve him so many times but he won’t come along and train with me .
i know it’s probably not a normal thing to decide to do at my advanced age …but Im going to be so bloody angry if I don’t and frankly let someone tell me what to do
Its not dangerous ,so it’s not like he is worried about me ( unless your in the realms of the men’s open classes ) it’s just a strange sport to those that don’t really get it

What I expected from him was Oh ok .. well I don’t really get what it why you’re doing it but crack on if you want to .
I don’t think IBU and frankly I think he is being a massive controlling dickhead but I’m willing to listen and take on board of people
think actually yeah it’s me I have lost my mind 👀

He is a massive controlling dickhead, you're right.

I'd go ahead and do it.

Well done you for working so hard on yourself. What on earth does your h have against you going to the gym? Is he like this with other social things you want to go to?

No, you have assumed that.

If Op is going for anything above Bikini for her first competition she is beyond naive.

Op seems to think prep will rough, but easily doable. She also says her body is usually almost competition ready. If her body is almost read for figure or above, without dedicated prep it is, in-fact, quite dangerous. That’s not healthy long term. It’s also taking up and will take up far more commitment, than she is letting on.

@Donnashair assumed and interpreted are two different things.

@Donnashair you're also missing the fact the OP is doing this for fun. She knows she won't win. She doesn't have to kill herself to get ready for enjoyment.

She says she gets up at 5am to train. She looks after the dc and works. His complaint is 'embarrassment'. Not a valid reason.

If OP planned to enter competitions regularly hat is one thing. But a one off competition so she can look back when she is older is like a partner wanting to climb Everest or do an ultramarathon.
What strange people on here that think once married, people can't do extreme things ever again.

The fact that it is a bodybuilding show that you want to do is irrelevant, and has actually sidetracked the thread away from the real issue here.

What actually matters in all of this is his "no wife of mine is going to do x" attitude. You are not his property. You are not under his control. He is not your boss. He has no right to treat you as some sort of possession.

No you assumed the use of Bikini was a put down.

Except it’s not a put down. It’s the correct term. It’s actually really patronising of you to assume the term Bikini must be a put down when talking about comps.

I know Op is doing it for fun. And what? Are you suggesting she isn’t doing it properly. If her body is almost ready for figure class or above, it’s a huge amount of effort. She may not even make it on to stage if she is nowhere near in the condition she needs to be. How fun is that? the difference between 1st and last in a comp are minimal. She will still need to be very close in condition to the winner.

I don’t think people really get how ruthless and stressful comps are.

As many, many, many, many PP have already pointed out, clearly that’s not the reason because, if it were, he wouldn’t have a problem with her going to the gym so much before she even mentioned the competition. OP has given a very selective version of events and it’s pretty clear from her gaps that he has some reasonable points in all the bits she’s not said. She’d need to train for multiple hours a day, even if she’s getting up at 5am, who is looking after the kids the whole time she’s training? Is he getting hours a day to himself? How is it impacting finances - gym membership, personal training, supplements, outfits, tanning, entry fees etc cost a fortune!? And she’s constantly insulting and judging him!

Well it'll be my first competition and I'm going in the Bodybuilding category. There's just no way that I'm wearing heels on stage.

There's no way that I'll win either. But at 56, and having shed over six stones in my late 40s, I really don't care. So yes, I will happily stand there like a "prize pig" - thanks to whoever threw that into the mix - while my physique is judged. Because, well ...... that's what bodybuilding is.

And for the folk who suggested that I may be vain, self-obsessed, or both, then ..... possibly. But I'm a decent woman. And my vanity and self-obsession shouldn't be troubling the world at large.

And if my body makes anyone heave, I'll grab you a bowl.

Whatever MN thinks, I'm doing it. Wish me luck 🙏

OP, I personally like your attitude towards this. Even when I was rhe fittest, I'd have never got up at 4.40 to exercise (my garage is still bloody cold).
I think your husband's attitude is very old fashioned and I'm sure comes from his own insecurities about his body. Not good.
But I wouldn't think a man would like to be seen in the gym being trained/PTd by their fit wives either.

Oh here we go again. No he doesn't sound jealous at all. There's absolutely no evidence of that.
Why when someone disagree or doesn't lime something is it because they're jealous.

@Donnashair it's not patronising to state that someone automatically assuming a woman entering a body building competition must want to enter a 'bikini show' is a put down. The OP has been very clear in her intentions.

If she'd specifically said that was she's chosen to do, that's fine, but it's not.

If he has any question about who is the owner of your body, divorce is probably for the best.

Your body, your choice.

Most likely he's jealous and insecure and probably worried you might have your head turned by a better looking and physically fitter bloke than him.

He probably liked it when you were overweight and lacking in self esteem because it's where he's at.

I think the real issue is he's worrying about what people will think of him not you.

He's now trying to control you and bring you down by criticising you.

I'd tell him your doing it;end of conversation.

Imagine the conversation with a solicitor

"Why are you divorcing your wife?"

"Because she lost weight and got into bodybuilding"

What a twat.

This reminds me of when my friend started burlesque classes for herself and her husband told her she wasn't allowed to partake in any of the dance schools shows because "he didn't want other men looking at his wife".

Your first comp and your are doing BB? And you keep your body quite close to that all year round? So close prep isn’t difficult? Your body fat is what percentage day to day?

I get it, you are new to competing. It’s exciting and you seem to think it makes you special.

But trying to explain competing to someone who is an ex competitor, owned businesses in the fitness industry and is still involved, just makes you look a bit silly. You are trying to so hard to make it seems wonderful with no downsides and the best things any woman could do, it’s coming across as though you are trying to convince yourself.

A bikini competition requires under 15% body fat, so someone entering a bikini competition is most definitely an accomplishment. It's what you'd usually start on. And requires a crazy amount of prep.

You're chosing the same activity but to empathise you need to think about what might induce a similar emotional response.....so let's say your husband says he's now going to perform at the works xmas party as Smart Arse. His act will consist of him parading in dirty holey YFronts and a string vest setting fire to his farts. He's pretty good at it already and it really makes people laugh and he'd really like to do a bit of stand up comedy. In the meantime he's practicing his slap stick routine....

No ones right or wrong....just grown apart.

I appreciate that you are the expert here. But .... you don't think that I'm doing this unaided do you? My trainer is a world-class competitive bodybuilder; he's got my back 😚

My show is a Novice competition, so ..... we're all pretty new to it. In previous years, there have only been one or two competitors in the Women's Bodybuilding; one year there were none. Seems a shame for a category to be unrepresented.

If you could see me, you'd know that I'm not a Bikini or Figure woman. Those categories are great for attracting women to compete but they're just not for me.

I've been training for a few years; I'm not entirely new to the scene. There are a couple of guys in my camp who've done really well and will be competing again this year. But we have no female representation.

I'll give it my best. And that is all I can do 😚

I know, but a lot of body builders don't do clean competitions. OP hasn't confirmed what she would be doing either way but honestly if my husband said he was getting into body building, it would be one of my main concerns, even if he started out natural.

It depends on the Federation. The BNBF is absolutely natural & competitors are tested before and after the show. The list of banned substances is huge and there is no 'turning a blind eye'.

DH did a couple of competitions a few years ago. I hated it. The hours of training, the food & diet. Not being able to go out for a meal on the spur of the moment. The constant, boring talking about it. The constant checking himself out in every reflective surface. He was obsessed & boring.

Plus I absolutely can't stand the look / aesthetics for it. To compete in the category he wanted he had to lose a lot of weight. His face looked ill & gaunt.

He was talking about doing it again last year. I said I couldn't stop him but I wouldn't support him. I'd had enough.

Reach any further and you'll fall over...

It’s so funny when posters write absolute bollocks with utmost certainty, isn’t it? 😆 what a moron.

Nah, it’s spot on and OP knows it.

Of course you should do it!!!! Your husband sounds controlling

Incredibly offensive language aside, they’re completely correct and it’s pretty clear the posters lacking in intelligence are the ones who think that OP is spending hours a day in the gym and hundreds of pounds of family money but it doesn’t impact her DH in any way. 🙄