SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Every other issue you’ve described is secondary to this:

In the blink of an eye, DC will be 18 and flying and the nest, and DH will barely know them.

For his sake as much as yours and your child’s, I think he should see if he can find a way to take a step back and take on a less demanding role.

I can't believe the amount of people suggesting you find childcare. That's not the point. He needs to spend more time with his own child. He is going to bitterly regret his behaviour one day when his kid has grown. He is selfish and asking you to step back to spend more time with him is totally unrealistic. He should want to spend every moment with the child.

OP my partner looks after our baby from wake up until work every morning and then every night when he comes home. That is how it should be. He wants to because he loves our baby.

I think honestly your like would be better if you left him because then the court would force him to spend time with his own child and you would get maintenance. Money isn't everything, he and you can't get these precious years back.

You're both being selfish, actually. He's being selfish by spending his after work hours at the pub instead of coming home to spend time with you and DC. You're being selfish by not allowing DH to spend any time with DC. He's offered so that you're able to go out and so your own thing, yet you refuse to loosen the apron strings even just a little bit. It's almost as if DC is the only one that matters to you, and perhaps, that is leading to some resentment from DH.

The two of you need to sit down and have a chat where you come to an agreeable compromise regarding child care and child rearing. If you feel that DC is still to young for daycare or a sitter, then by all means, wait until they reach the 1 year mark. But still allow DH some time to bond with DC. Stop being a helicopter parent in that regard. If you're still nursing, prep a few bottles before going out, and give DH brief 'How to' regarding diaper changes, burping and bathing.

If the two of you can't seem to come to an agreement, or if DH seems to be disinterested in even talking about things, then perhaps it's time to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship. Good luck!

Some posters are completely ignoring the fact that this baby is 5 months old. She's still tiny, waking multiple times per night, the initial euphoria has worn off and the bone-numbing weariness of the early months has had time to set in. The OP is in the trenches of parenting and she's there by herself, rather than with her husband by her side.

Totally agree

My gym took babies from 6 weeks old. Why would your baby be too young for a crèche?

Preach. I am in disbelief at people. Why are women often such women haters and forgiving of men's behaviour? It's as though people forget what it was really like at the beginning with a baby as well.

I have a 5 month old and go to bed when the baby does otherwise I don't get any decent sleep! My husband (high earner) rushes back though so I am "lucky" - what bs to class someone as lucky because their husband actually wants to be the father they chose to be once their obligation to the job ended for the day.

DH and I also savour any minutes we get together.

Jeez.

Oh and I'm awake now because my husband does the nights alone on the weekend so I get some time for myself.

And HE's gone to bed at 7:30 because the night is hard!

This.

I was a SAHM to our now 7 and 5 year old and because I was with them all the time when they were smaller, it was easy for me to look after them in comparison to him. I promise you this does change though! I also think there is a generation thing where men are also expected to do everything now…. I don’t remember my own dad ever putting me to bed!
Have you had a look for baby and mum fitness groups? Buggyfit was great fun and I got to make more mum friends. I also found a baby spin class where the buggies were next to the bikes. There is also the dance class with the baby in a carrier (can’t remember the name as being totally uncoordinated I couldn’t bare to do it!)
The pub issue would annoy me too but if he thinks you are going to be in bed or going to bed, he probably wants to wind down with some company. I think getting yourself comfortable with a baby monitor would be a massive benefit, so you can both enjoy some time together. Have a look at babysitting agencies too.

OP is this your husband's first kid? Or just your first kid?

I’m a sahm and my husband plays golf instead of going to the pub so I can totally relate to this. But they don’t get to call all the shots just because they are the ones paying the bills… you also have a “job” and that is to raise the children and run the home whilst supporting your husband if his career is that demanding!
Marriage and parenting to me is about compromise. I told my husband if he wants to play golf then he had to pay for a nanny once a week or watch our DC so I can do things like get my hair cut etc. I had a good career before and I’m sure you did too so we could always go back to work then they would have to help equally with the children and DH wouldn’t get time to go to the pub at all!

I would suggest to him hiring a nanny once or twice a week or allocating a few hours each weekend when he had to watch your DC so you can do something for yourself too. I wouldn’t suggest doing it before work because it will be a very stressful start to the day and that will rub off on your DC.

Set up your own bank account and build it up. Make sure you're not skint when you've finally had enough.

Summed up

"I have a lifestyle most can only dream of BUT it's not enough, I ALSO want my DH to be home after work every night in time for bedtime....

My DH doesn't know anything about, or do anything with DC so I'm pissed off.
DH tries to learn or do something with DC and I correct him and belittle him."

I'm a woman and I'd be off down the pub too tbh if my DH was in bed at 7pm every night when I got home from work.

OP, You're doing yourself nor your DC any favours at all here. And yes. Tbh I do think you're selfish. Between the split shifts myself and my DH have to work, nursery drop offs and picks up (she's only 9 months old) and both of us working full time jobs just to provide for our family, you still see more of your DH than myself and mine see of each other.

You are incredibly fortunate and to be so fortunate, you need to compromise.

The above hits the nail on the head. You both can still turn this around OP. Get a babysitter and go out for dinner, have a chat together. Get back talking to your DH.

How do you know what she can afford? Maybe she lives in central london with a huge mortgage and high outgoings each month. A large portion of their dual household income is also paid in tax each month… so his take home probably is not as high as you think.

Ottersmith
I think some of the suggestions about childcare are more about the OP insisting they want to do their gym time in the morning as their husband is getting ready for work.

The OP could go in the evening when he's back instead of going to bed early evening. She doesn't have to expect the working parent to get ready for the day whilst juggling a baby so she can go to the gym.
She could also arrange childcare if she really wanted to have her exercise time in the day, an option many women don't have.
She could also look at doing what some of my friends did and have a remote personal trainer who did an at home programme.
She could also do one of the many mum and baby exercise classes out there as well.
She has a lot of options that she's choosing not to do.

The DH needs to step it up though, ditch the regular pub trips and be home at a sensible time as well.

I still can't believe how salty people are being! But sadly you each have very different expectations and therefore different measures by which you would class certain actions selfish.

I can't believe the responses on here tbh. Earning good money does not excuse your husband refusing to even pretend to actually parent his child and to begrudge you taking some time for yourself. I don't know what the answer is, but please don't let some of these responses convince you that his treatment of you and your DC is acceptable.

She made much of how her husband is able to pay for everything.

Come on guys, do we really think that if a sole breadwinner mum said that her SAHP decided that the only time they could go to the gym coincided with the working parent's getting ready in the morning, that people would be saying it was fine?

OP is not unreasonable to want some time to go to the gym, or her husband to parent. She is unreasonable to decide that the best time for him to do that is while he's getting ready for work, when she can go to the gym at any time.

@Ottersmith sorry but some men don't want to spend every moment with a baby- particularly older men and this chap has 20 years or so on the babies mum- neither do plenty of women if we are being honest. I'm not saying that's ok or right and clearly this chap either simply isn't bothered or has totally disengaged or is just a selfish man - but if OP wants this relationship to continue then she has choices to make and conversations to have

Or when he's finally had enough, which by the sound of it won't be too long. Single parenthood here she she comes!