SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Wow I completely disagree!

OP upon reading your post I immediately thought why are you married to this man - then saw his wage......

No amount of money would make me put up with this rubbish. This marriage benefits your husband only unless you like the money, which in that case then yes you'll have to accept being bottom of the pile and treat like rubbish and suck it up if you like the dosh. I would have left because my self respect is worth more than 250k a year.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there and it’s lonely and isolating. I’ve no advice really - my first marriage sounded very similar and ended. I left. I went to law school. I have a career that I love and a fiancé that shares the load with me 50/50. Your husband will never respect you as a SAHM and he’ll never change. Hell earn more and more and unless you make time for yourself, you will become completely insignificant. Of course you resent the drinking and the pub - you’re stuck at home with a baby - who you love very much. But you’re still stuck with the responsibility. Would you ever go bank to work?

He isn't selfish that's for sure. I for one think you're making your child too much of a priority. After the first 8 to 10 weeks most DC can sleep in another room. They don't have to be at bedside. Why should your DH come home if you are already in bed. You don't seem to be making him a priority.

yup. Been. There. Done that. Lived this life. Left. Went to law school. Got my own career and a new man 😂

Sounds to ne like you just need to have an honest conversation where you say 'I go to bed early because you're not here, I'd like to spend more time with you and am willing to adjust my routine for that, are you willing to do the same? You'd definitely have more intimacy if you spent more time together and felt more connected. Also, as a parent of a 2yo who still struggles with being separated from her, I'd say it's very normal to not want to be apart from your baby at 5 months. I would though encourage you to start phasing it in from c.6 months, even putting her in nursery or with a family member just for one morning a week, as it's much kinder to the child so they get used to not constantly being with you. I did this with my daughter before I went back to work l over a 6 month period and it worked really well. She only found it hard for about three weeks and then she did really well. Appreciate you don't need to go back to work but if you ever want to go for a night or weekend away with your husband, or even go to an appointment or something she cant come to, it will be much nicer for her to be used to being apart from you sometimes. Also just in case anything happens to you e.g. you have to go into hospital. You (collectively) also definitely need to foster a stronger relationship between your husband and child and that won't happen with you there. So please do try and go out more and leave uour DC with him - again, coming from someone who finds this hard themselves.

So glad you brought this up.

Big jobs and seniority brings more flexibility, not less.

But men lie about it so they can avoid family responsibilities.

I guarantee if it was something he was interested in doing, like some hobby he wanted to do that met on Wednesdays at 5pm, he'd make it happen.

taking care of baby like that is exhausting and it’s in child’s best interest hubby gets involved.

however it would be better if this happened on his terms.

for gym could you not put baby in crèche or pay a childminder? This would be best option for you I think and you should not feel bad about this as you need time out too.

relationship wise he sounds like he’s trying to escape. My hub was like that and we ended up divorced. Sorry.

What does he have to come home to? When he is home at 6.30pm you are bathing the kids and when he comes home late you are in bed.
The relationship is breaking down because you are prioritising the children over the relationship in ways that are unnecessary. He wants his bed and his wife but you are refusing this.
I am in a similar position with my DH's job, but I also work. We have to make time for each other and that means me sitting up in the evening sometimes even when I'm tired. In return he makes sacrifices for me and supports with the childcare and around the home.
Relationships take both people to work. You need to figure out how much you really care about yours.

You are unreasonable to expect your H to come home to someone who is in bed and is only interested in the baby, you need to look after your marriage, the baby can have is own room with a baby monitor and you need to be up when your husband gets home why don't you have a nap in the afternoon when the baby is resting and get some help so that you can go out with your husband.

What does he have to come home to? When he is home at 6.30pm you are bathing the kids and when he comes home late you are in bed

He could come home and bath the 5 month old baby himself, therefore having a chance to bond with his own child. The OP says even when he comes home ‘early’ he prefers to sit downstairs drinking while she baths their baby.

When mine were that age and I was a SAHM my husband was working long days in the city, he’d rush home in time for bath and bedtime. It was the highlight of his day.

On the other hand, I went to the gym during the day and had childcare for those times. Like the OP, we could easily afford it.

It sounds like you have both lost your way here. You’re being obstinate and he’s not got any parental responsibility. Neither of you is focusing on your marriage either.

You say that your DH doesn’t even know what to feed your DC, so why not get an experienced nanny to give you a hand twice a week for a couple of hours so you can go to the gym and remind yourself that you CAN do things for yourself without feeling GUILTY or without breaking the bond you have. Part of the reason we tell ourselves we don’t want to do stuff if because we feel like our child is dependent on us when actually we have become dependent on needing them! It is important to remember who you were before you and your DC and then when you have a little time for yourself you will resent your husband (and your DC) less! With a £250k salary there is no worry at all for the cost of the extra hands on deck!

Both YABU and YANBU.

Take baby steps with the baby. Get them into their own room firstly.

DH and yourself should book in date nights once a week or once a fortnight when the baby is in bed.

But it's ridiculous that he sees the baby so little, and attends to the baby so little. That's not the definition of a good Dad and surely he wants to spend time with his baby. Bed time etc is special bonding time. Ask him to committ to doing bedtime at least 2 evenings a week.

Good luck

I definitely don’t feel that either of you are being particularly unreasonable. It’s just your life values not matching up.
If your DH feels rushed in the morning, I would suggest as the SAHM that you assist him by getting his stuff ready the night before for the morning he is watching your DC whilst you are at the gym. Some will say this archaic but I firmly believe it falls in the remit of being a SAHM.
You most certainly are not unreasonable for wanting your DH to spend more time as a family. You do however need to broach the subject or be proactive book a getaway, days out etc.
It isn’t unreasonable for your DH to want to spend some time alone with you either, it’s vital in keeping the relationship healthy. Surprise him one night with dinner, remind him and yourself why you fell in love.
Step back a little in terms of DC, your DH needs to learn how to manage. I’ve been guilty of doing too much (and moaning about my DP not helping), in term reducing their relationship/bonding because I could not step back and let go of the control.
You are lucky in the fact that money concerns do not come into factor here. But to be in a relationship where neither of you seem particularly happy is not lucky at all. I really wish you the best 💙

Only read the OP. I think you’re being somewhat unreasonable. I have a busy and stressful job. I do have a child too. If I was the sole provider (which I am not) I would expect complete help from DH given the circumstances. Why don’t you go to a gym which offers child care facilities?

Well yes, if you're not bothered about NHS guidelines and think it's worth the SIDS risk, crack on.

OP, I have only read your comments as arriving late to the thread and I expect this had been said but you/ your DH are in catch 22 here. You are not actually letting him parent or only letting him do it your way. He is asking you to go out and let him learn himself in the same way you had to.
I left my DH with a 1 year old, 2.5 year old and 3 year old for a long weekend. They were all still alive and smiling. He had miraculously had a good night's sleep every night but none of them were any the worse for it.
By allowing your husband to have time with the baby, he will also grow to respect your role more so it is a win win.
All he really needs to know is how to change a nappy and prepare a bottle.
If you let baby cooking to you all the time, it will get harder and harder for him to help out here and there. Pick a night where he gets home in time for a bath with baby. A soothing activity and you can put your feet up or get another job done and then get a towel and rescue baby so DH can finish bath.
A 5 month baby can be put to bed at 7-8 pm and you can spend an evening together, even if just once a week.
I would sit down with him and make a plan for the week which is a balance for both of you of time with baby, time with friends( both of you) and time with each other. It may have to be a set timetable to try and get into habit.

I agree with what others have said, I think it’s great you are taking time for yourself and going to the gym is so good for your mental and physical health and will in turn make you the best mum you can be.

however!! I think we all know how stressful mornings are, so I’d be pretty annoyed if this was the other way around.

could you go to the gym at a more convenient time like when he gets in from work - rather than him going to the pub. Or put baby in a crèche while you work out during the day?

I definitely think he needs to help with the baby more though, especially on weekends etc do you do any family activities?

We did this. We had a pram, it was suitable for overnight sleeping. Until both our kids slept through they slept in the lounge with us together so we had time together. When they had last feed or for second, the last feed before we wanted to go to bed, we would all go up to bed together.

Similar situation here however not as much of a high earning hubby.

I would get a gym with a crèche and put the baby in there. I used to do it and loved it, couple of hours for a gym and sauna, then we would get lunch at the gym and head home.
I think some of this is suck it up. It’s hard! Which ever route you take work/family wise, none of the options are easy!! The early years are mega hard, things will get easier as the years pass x

A voice of reason here!
baby is only 5m, I think by that time with mine I still wasn’t really getting dressed in the morning!! Don’t wear yourself out. You do need to exercise- for your mental health more than anything. You are just as important, more so even, than DH. If you were, say, ill and out of action for a week, everything would go tits up. Just because a SAHM job isn’t paid, doesn’t mean it’s worthless or an ‘easy way out’. You may have some separation issues with baby? Are you a bit depressed? What things (other than the gym and the baby) do you find pleasure in doing?
do you think that you have nothing much to talk about with DH as your days are always the same now? You do sound lonely. Is there a mums Facebook group for your area? I think that may be a good idea for somewhere to start, just to get you and baby out and about. Then maybe meeting for drinks in the evening even once a month. You do deserve it and don’t let anyone else tell you different.

I’m in exactly the same position. Same type of earning etc. DH here does very little but has also had a few ‘brief encounters’ in the past…I’m so sorry but to me - based on what you’re saying and certain clues / behaviours you’ve mentioned, this is where I would focus my attention. Does he let you near his phone? Is he protective of it? Does he clam up when you ask where he has been etc when he’s late? Does he shower when home or turn his phone when you’re near or always go to the loo and spend ages in there? Had he suddenly started wearing aftershave? I’m so sorry- tell me to shut up. I could be very wrong and I hope I am….but in any case, you are certainly not being unreasonable 💖

I haven't read every post, but my thoughts are that it will get so much better. Once your DC is in preschool you will have plenty of time for PTs and all the rest of the stuff. As an older Mum who was and is always the main financial provider (academic DH) I do think I missed out on a lot of both my DCs very early years, and still regret it. I have a fabulous relationship with both adult DCs, and neither feel they missed out, but I really did.
Forget about your DH's relationship with your kids. Think about yours. Smell their heads, have fun, build forts and finger paint. Does the gym really matter so much to you just now? Let him go have an afterwork drink to relax. When you do get time alone make it very special and only focused on you two. The early years go by in a blink of an eye.

when you said you like spending time with kids but it’s the principle thing that he should. I was once like that and you know what I realised later I was wrong. In my case, even though I was feeling resentful for doing everything for my child I realised it was still better than what actual happened in our lives due to the feelings of resentful
one of that was negative effect on my child due to our arguments and even if you don’t argue kids pick up these feelings very very quickly and it has a very bad effect on them.
so really is all that resentment worth it?

now having said all that, you still need to vent your feelings because they are valid. It’s life and us humans get bored quickly when it’s the same thing day in and day out. Find a safe space to do it in real life. Do deep breathing and activities you enjoy that will not conflict with your partner. When you get that outlet, it really helps.

also I would suggest a gratitude journal, it really helps feel better about things. All the best

Hi OP, you could consider looking for a postnatal doula for ad hoc childcare for your DC. I'm a doula and I'm super flexible in terms of what I can do as long as I have availability.

Have a look on doula UK and see if there is someone you click with. This could cover your gym visits. I was a very anxious and attached mum but I would have been able to leave my DC with someone like... well me... 😂

Good luck.