SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

I would personally find someone like a part time Nanny, perhaps 9 hours a week, 3 hours x 3 days or something like this.
It will take them time to get the hang of the routines and things but over a few weeks you will be able to go and do things in the daytimes. I did this with mine, she was only 7 months but honestly she screamed SO much that I needed a break. I had a babysitter 3 hours x 3 days and it helped so much.

From a guy: DH is having an affair. And he’s an atrocious/absent father.

I think the next step is obvious….

Sheesh, mine fucking isn't. £250k, sell me out right now.

I read somewhere recently “don’t become the expert on the baby” and I thought that was just the best advice to mums. Leave your DH to do it his way, whatever that is. Baby will survive and they will work out their own way to be with each other, I know it’s hard but it matters.
Also YANBU go to bed with the baby, get your sleep. It’s exhausting you need it buuuuut you can afford a lovely person to watch your wee one a few mornings a week (in a few months maybe) so you can go to the gym and find time for yourself.
As for your partner, he sounds a bit shit but it’s only five months. His life hasn’t changed yet (well he hasn’t realised it) your entire world has been blown up. Just wait though, he will realise as baby starts being a person (I hope, my partner took a few months to realise this wee blob was actually a very exciting and interesting wee human)
Good luck

i don’t think your being unreasonable.
I think your situation is hard! Being a SAHM is not for everyone, and I personally couldn’t do it- I’d go mad. So I have real respect for people who do. It’s relentless! your OH obviously works really hard too, which isn’t easy. He deserves some down time, if he chooses that to be at the pub then great. But he can’t then resent you
for wanting some time at the gym, which may I just say, power to you girl that’s so productive!
Also he’s a grown ass man that can get himself organised the night before definitely, you’re right about that.

Question though, when do you make time for each other? If you’re heading towards being comfortable with a baby monitor can you stay up past 7, order in a Chinese and watch a film together? Spend some couple time being just you guys? its important to keep that going. Y’all might be feeling more resentful because you’re treating each other like childcare rather than loving partners.

I really empathise with your post. I’m not a SAHM but work 1.5 days a week term-time only and DH earns £300k. We both have degrees from Oxford and are capable but we chose to prioritise raising our children ourselves and so I took the hit. DH works similar hours and gets super tired and finds the buzz of work really rewarding vs the drudgery of childcare.

However we made a very conscious decision to make him as involved as possible and I accept that somethings that means me facilitating their relationship and giving over control. He loves our children and avoids work drinks so he can do bathtime and bedtime - but that’s taken a lot of effort.

Honestly, I think (and I’m not saying either of you is to blame) that your DH is feeling a) a lack of confidence with your DC because you’ve been reluctant to handover control (I had the same fears initially which went when I had 2nd DC) and b) a bit emasculated because you’ve lost interest in the relationship, you’ve effectively replaced him with your DC and now his contribution to the family is not enough for you. If you want things to improve, I’d suck it up (maybe having an honest conversation about the above) and work on them, before he feels pushed out and into the arms of someone who makes him feel he has value.

Off topic I know, but it is recommended babies should sleep in the same room as a parents for at least 6 months to reduced the risk of SIDS

Blarblarblar
Totally agree with you, especially on this:

I read somewhere recently “don’t become the expert on the baby” and I thought that was just the best advice to mums. Leave your DH to do it his way, whatever that is. Baby will survive and they will work out their own way to be with each other, I know it’s hard but it matters
Some men are genuinely useless in the weaponised incompetence sense, but I also despair when I see and hear women mollycoddling their spouse, criticising any aspect of their parenting that isn't exactly how they do it as mum, and generally making a martyr of themselves.

They end up being quick to complain later about having their plate full, and I can't help but think what did you expect when you've spent 18 months telling your spouse he's rubbish with his own child and taking over every five seconds. If the dad has the baby/child then go and do something else, leave the house, go for a walk, go to the gym, something other than breathe down his neck about not cutting the sandwiches the right way and choosing the wrong socks.

OP needs time to herself and to exercise. Her DH needs to stop prioritising the pub trips. Equally, she needs to accept she has a lot of options other than going to the gym when her husband is getting ready for work. They're both being stubborn and selfish in their own way.

OP I am a SAHM worked through my first then had twins and financially there was no choice but to give up work. I had the same issues as you, there was no real understanding of how tough and long a day could be, but he had been at work and 'deserved' to relax or go out with his pals. His nights out became longer and longer and some nights he didn't show till the wee hours of the morning. I resented him, he resented me, we had no intimacy and then I was diagnosed with a life long, very limiting condition. Then he started working away, days, a week at a time. I was struggling, unbeknown to me I had pnd on top. Eventually he left us, and I discovered he had been cheating on me with a woman from work. We have been separated 5 years, divorced for 3 and life is better for me. After 17 years together in total, I didn't recognise him at all. Now he is a rubbish dad, ditches our kids for his new life and her DD all the time. He cut down his time with our kids and the official arrangement is now every second weekend, which he rarely sticks to. In a way, it suits me, because I get all this wonderful time with my kids, it's exhausting and he doesn't do hospital appointments, parents nights or emergencies, he is always 'busy' from someone I loved so much, I now hate his guts, mainly for how he has treated our kids. We weren't and I'm not as financially stable as you, and he pays less than half the child maintenance he should. But we muddle through and I think we are better off without him.

I'm not saying that's where you're heading, the baby years are tough for both parents in different ways.

It is. But what miraculously happens between five months and 30 days and six months and one day? The NHS always errs on the side of caution anyway.

I quite agree with what @JustMakeMeAList and @W0tnow said.

I don’t think your issue so much is really your DH being at home so you can get to the gym. You could of course organise for some paid childcare to sort this.

But that your DH has no interest in a family life with you. And you have limited interest in making time for him.

In this day and age, a model of a family unit where the father has no responsibility or engagement with raising your child or children, is not a healthy or happy model for you, nor a very positive example for your child who will witness and model the same as they grow.

Does you DH have gratitude for your contribution to your family life? What does that gratitude look like? How is it expressed?

Are you comfortable with the power inbalance between your respective financial positions? How will it pan out for you if the marriage doesn’t work out?

Childcare and child raising is damn hard work, 24/7, relentless. Much longer days than the 10-12 hours days your husband is currently doing.

When the glow of the newborn period moves on, and the beautiful but more demanding and time consuming toddler and later years commence, will you still be ok with your DH being unavailable for all of your child/children’s waking hours, and leaving it all to you.

The current issue with your gym will be rather symbiotic of the larger problems you will be staring down in time, and potentially really resent. And resentment if unresolved will ultimately kill a relationship and marriage.

It appears your current model for living for your family unit isn’t working for you. I’d suggest you talk it over with DH and see if you can work out something better.

Great post Twocrabs20

Your not being unreasonable or selfish to expect your husband to be a Dad. He should want to come home and help with his baby and spend as much time as he can with you both. My husband works away and works a lot of hours too but when he's home he does as much as he can to try give me a bit of a break too. Being a sahm is hard work aswell, just because you don't get paid for it doesn't make you any less worthy. As for the gym you should absolutely be allowed some time to go and do something for you and he should be able to be left with his daughter for a short while hes not a babysitter he is a Dad. Yes he works hard and that is great and has to be appreciated but that doesn't mean his baby isn't his responsibility too. My previous marriage was like this and it wasn't a good marriage at all. You need to be a team x i understand you not wanting a babysitter If you have no family near as I wouldn't want just anyone watching my baby either. My baby still sleeps in our room but we put him to bed and spend time together in the living room x I hope you can work things out but you both need to be on the same page or your never goni be happy xx

Going to the gym in the mornings must be tricky for him to be getting ready for work and minding the baby. IMO you could go to the gym during the day esp as you use a personal trainer and a number of gyms have creches. The fact you aren't prepared to leave him alone in a creche but with you is not your husbands decision. He works quite late hours in presumably a stressful job and going out after work etc might be needed- I do think as you have the option to get a babysitter, this isn't about you not having time to do your things but more about the fact you want him to look after the baby.

OP you are not making an effort in your marriage. Do you absolutely need to go to bed at the same time as DC? If you can go to bed later, you can then at least have some time alone with your DH to reconnect and talk about yours and his day. It's unfair to put it all on him to come back within the short time frame in the evening. I can imagine the stress level can be very high in his job role, therefore you being there to talk to after work could help him destress. As for parenting DC, as you are not ready to be away from DC yet, maybe you can let DH take over during the weekends between work calls? It's abit unfair to fault him for not parenting enough or making an effort when his work is so full on and he doesn't get home by 7pm more often than you would like. But in the other hand , you are not making the time for him.

You’re not being unreasonable and what a shame to read so many women suggest you are! Ladies, it’s not the 1920s, a mom is allowed to choose to be home and no, that doesn’t mean she has to forego all reasonable expectations of her husband to take care of her child or share some of the tasks that require doing. It’s fairly accepted now that each person do their job (paid or unpaid) during working hours and when they’re both home they work as a team. How people choose to share household chores is one thing, but really there should be zero debate about parenting. They are both equal parents. Mom might be watching the child exclusively during working hours, when dad is home, why shouldn’t he be a dad? And yes, SAHM have needs and rights too, if she wants to go to the gym it’s absolutely fair she gets to do that.

I understand its annoying for him, but it will benefit relationships between him and dc in a long run.

My husband didn't know how to change a nappy when I was going back to work from mat leave, thats how much he helped with our DC in the first year. (Read did absolutely zero).

Now he is with her in the mornings until I come from work at 2pm. Their relationship are amazing and he developed into a loving father. I can trust him 100% with her. But if it wasn't for me just leaving, it would never happen.

The other option is to get some help just for a few hours a week. Build up your trust with that person and at some point you would be able to leave your DC with them and have dates etc with your husband.

I don't agree with a lot of the comments on here... people saying it's your job to look after the children. I think having children is a shared responsibility and it's not like he would be doing the child a favour by spending time with him, he is just being a parent. As a parent you do what you can to spend as much time as possible with your children. Like prioritise your son/daughter over going to the pub. Pub can be something you do after the child is in bed. Sounds like he's using tired off work as an excuse to not see his child. He's got energy for the pub after work so he should have it to interact with his own child. At the end of the day tell him clearly that its not like your telling him because it benefits you, it benefits his child, otherwise your child will grow up quite distant from him. I know exactly how you feel that you feel you might resent looking after child, but don't allow his lazy parenting affect you as a parent, your child will grow up knowing who was there for him/her. Be clever and use his money wisely 😉get yourself some expensive gym with a creche and enjoy being a mother ❤ your effort will never be forgotten by your child xxx

I agree

I think you should look into marriage counelling before deeper resentments from boths sides goes too deep.

The actual question you ask: aibu asking him to prepare a bit the night before. No that’s not at all unreasonable. However, if his work is intense it’s not ideal looking after baby while mentally preparing for a days battle.

as other posters have suggested, get a childcare option for a short regular periods may be fairer to him.
having said that, I also would be desperately sad that coming home to me and DC is not a draw enough to tempt him away from the pub.
going to the pub could be part of corp culture and a bit of a necessity to keep his ear to ground, but a couple of nights pw with a young child seems more than fair.
I do agree with him that dc should go to own room already. But you have to feel ready yourself. Try not to be too precious, relax and enjoy you as a person as well as you as a mum x

Your DH needs to come home earlier more often. No excuse; my DH is the higher earner owning multiple businesses and spends time with our DC, has great bonds with them and has always been very involved with all aspects of child rearing and of all our lives. It’s possible. You ‘both’ need to want to make it work.

I work PT and I’m the main carer, I’m home more, do most housework, blah blah blah.

You need to allow your DH to bond with his child, and to be left alone with them other than in the mornings when he is getting ready for work.

You need to stop going to bed at the same time as your DC. You need to make time for your DH, and he needs to make time for you.

You are not intimate with each other. This will be a major issue soon and is likely to lead to other issues. Do you even kiss and hug?

You’re ‘both’ being selfish and stubborn. Your relationship is going to fail if you both carry on like this.

I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable, this first year is particularly hard but as they get older it can still be difficult. I completely relate to you, my DH also preferentially chooses wind down time in the pub instead of helping out and we both work, yet I do 90% of the childcare/housework as well as paying 50% of all bills and mortgage even though I’m on a lower salary. I’m burnt out and totally feeling resentful. To make things even worse, when I take time for myself like taking a few days away to visit family or meet friends, I’m faced with hostility on return. I don’t think it’s fair for working women to have to compromise their job, get into debt and still do all the childcare and not have any off time. Stay strong and demand time for yourself, you need it and deserve it.

Sounds like you’re being a bit unreasonable. There are loads of issues to unpack. If he earns well then that means there are resources to get a part time sitter. It clear he struggles with the morning shift, why can’t you just go to a class in the day time and have nanny/crèche cover? You can carefully vet a sitter, have them do shifts while you’re there to work out what they are like. We always used nursery workers from the day nursery as we were cautious too, but surely someone can recommend a sitter?
i think it’s important to work out what balance looks like for you all. He may need to decompress by seeing friends a couple of times a week. However surely he should want to spend some time with you and the baby. If you think he isn’t hands on then take a day out and leave him with the baby. Leave instructions if necessary but it sounds like it would be good for all of you. Date night sounds like it would be good for relationship more generally. You have to consider whether going to bed at 7 is really reasonable and fair on your partner. Maybe a sleeping arrangement where the baby is securely tucked in a cot by your bed would work better for you as a family.