SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

It sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and agree on some changes/sacrifices. I was a SAHM for years but I always tried (and still do) to keep in my mind, as much as I love my children, I want there to be a marriage left at the end of raising them.

His take home is £12.5k 🙄

No she is not selfish at all that is a stupid thing to say to a new mum

And he’ll have to look after the baby far more than he does now and pay a huge amount of child support.

When he's had enough of what? Being able to leave the house when he likes, go to the pub every night, go to the gym when he likes, work evenings and weekends if he wants? Get a full night's sleep with a young baby?

The dude has got it made, he's living the life of Riley. If they split up he is either going to have to parent his child, be home to look after them, do the night feeds, get them ready for nursery while gettinf ready for work etc. Or he's going to have to pay a substantial whack in child maintenance for his ex wife to continue to do it all.

He is so not hard done by here.

He won’t have to look after it at all if he calls time on the marriage. It’s obvious he has zero interest in it.

True. And if he has no contact with the baby at all post split, he’d have to pay even more child support than if they shared care.

He’d pay about £1,230. Not enough to make him think twice.

In that case i am wrong and she has no reason to worry about supporting herself. All is wonderful !

I think you perhaps don't recognise your enormous privilege!

As a pp said, enjoy your baby, meet up with friends etc , be thankful you have no money worries etc

There are a lot of people in financially precarious situations at the moment with young children they they need to provide for....

I work in HR and there are a lot of people being laid off in various sectors! They have the worry of how to feed their families now and potentially loosing a roof over there head? Would you rather that?

I think if you want to be with such a high earner you need to realise there are downsides! Just like with everything

I don't think this is about your DH working/earning tbh, it's more about shifting priorities.

It sounds like neither of you are prioritising your relationship, which is the main red flag for me. The gym schedule and working hours is a bit of a moot point from my perspective because in a loving relationship these things would be mutually discussed and agreed upon.

I agree with you the regular/constant pub visits demonstrate a deeper issue of your DH avoiding his role as husband and father. Could you try to have an open conversation with him about your concerns to understand why he's pulling away?

If he's not willing to engage with you, then money aside it sounds like you're living the life of a single parent with little emotional support, which isn't ideal long term.

Good luck OP, you all deserve more.

It's not wonderful because she loves her husband and wants to be a family. And diorce is hard.

He is going down this path by never spending any time with her.

I had a similar situation with my ex husband - he doesn’t earn quite so much and we hadn’t agreed I would be a SAHM but he still seemed to expect me to do everything and felt it was his role to be the provider. I think if you feel miserable now it will only get worse. I’d recommend seeing a marriage counselor soon or you could find yourselves getting divorced one day. Plus the baby will pick up on the tension between you and in you as their mum. Be strong and reach out for support. Go for what you really want and deserve in this life.

Tough situation, but I think you have the wrong perspective by saying "I do everything for him", because he could easily also say that he does "everything" for you, after all, he's slaving for you and your kids, your gym time, sorry to say, should be the least of your worries and making him late for work is only detrimental for everyone. Marriage is not 50 50, that's a myth, marriage is 100 100, but that said, I can't see myself doing that to myself and my wife, working such long shifts, you simply have no life or time with your family otherwise, he must be incredibly stressed out, I'm not sure if he realizes the hole he's currently stuck in, it's normal for you to feel the way that you do right now and it sounds like some changes need to happen.

he's slaving for you and your kids, your gym time, sorry to say, should be the least of your worries and making him late for work is only detrimental for everyone.

WTF

1. he has a job, he's not "slaving" any more than any other worker

2. he spends his evenings in the pub or at the gym, undeniably leisure time, while his wife looks after their child. She doesn't have that opportunity.

Hi there.
So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It can be such a steep learning curve when your firstborn arrives. It is like starting a new job without a manual! Along with this, you both have no family support...That is incredibly tough!
I remember feeling very isolated during those early days, trying to establish routines, making time for myself and my relationship along with the incredible fatigue and extreme emotions it was exhausting! I also felt it was a weakness to want my husband to be more involved and around more when he was the primary breadwinner.
It can be a huge struggle adjusting to a new life, and a lot of this will be very 'normal'. However, you mention your increasing resentment regarding your DH's avoidant behaviour. You say that although you have both discussed this, he returns to the same pattern again and again, leaving you feeling lonely and doubting your relationship.
I was wondering if you could contact a professional, such as a Health Visitor or Counsellor. This may enable you to share your feelings in a safe and confidential environment. Perhaps your DH would consider joining you at some stage.
Wishing you all the very best!

He's slaving for you and your kids
🤣
Calm down. They're his kids too, you don't imagine it was an immaculate conception do you?
He has a job. Like many people do. Hardly 'slaving'.

I don’t think it is fair for him to look after the child before going to work if it makes him late. That can’t be a good look for a high flier. You could have a PT come to the house to train you - far more effective than working out in the gym and you are lucky to be able to afford it.

he's slaving for you and your kids, your gym time, sorry to say, should be the least of your worries and making him late for work is only detrimental for everyone.
He's not slaving away. He's doing a fairly standard working day for higher earning people, but is choosing to prioritise going to the pub instead of coming home to his family and wife.

Yes she shouldn't expect to have her gym time on a morning when the working parent is getting ready for work, but the idea that the poor man gets to opt out of family life, expect his wife to do everything domestic and be super grateful whilst he spend his free time down the pub is really silly and misogynistic.

he's slaving for you and your kids

His kid. And there’s only one of them. Read the OP.

In fairness to most of those saying get a nanny/sitter, the first post made it sound like the baby was around 1 when it’s quite normal for mum’s to return to work.
Situation doesn’t sound good though. Both need to put heads together to work out what is doable. Maybe weekend classes with daddy stepping up. It’s a fragile time for relationships/mental health. It’s important both sides are factored in.

for your own sanity you need a couple of hours per week so I would arrange for childcare to come to my home a couple of hours per week.

if I wasn’t comfortable leaving my child, I would then arrange a PT to come to my house/ garden whilst the childcare provider was there.

Your OH has a demanding job and you both agreed to him working and you staying at home. You should have a conversation after a year to check whether it’s still working for you both.

It’s unfair you expect him to look after DC in the morning before work.

Marriage requires compromise. It also requires nurturing. It seems you’ve both let that slip.

I think you need you see a counsellor together to help navigate this and agree where you can compromise.

For instance, having a date night once a month, him spending less time at the pub, him being given a chance to bond and spend time with DC.

You taking time for yourself. Finding a gym with a crèche or using a nanny or baby sitter a couple of times a week.

understand you are anxious and reluctant to leave your baby, though counselling may help your husband understand this.

Your husband is being unreasonable and I'm shocked that people seem to think you're being unreasonable to complain.

My husban doesn't even earn a fifth of what your husband earns, I'm a SAHM and my husband comes home every day and is a great dad to our 5 children. I look after the home while my husband works but when he is home we do 50/50 whatever needs doing. I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting more support and more of his time at all. I think that it's sad that he is prioritising himself over his family. I'm not envious of your situation at all 😢

Get a grip! Your child is old enough to be left, old enough to be in a room on its own. Your husband needs your attention too.

Both mine had their own rooms from six weeks and went to nursery 8am till 5:30pm, 5 days a week from 6 weeks old.

I would of killed to have had your lifestyle.