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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 16/03/2023 23:47

@Playto

I find this really interesting. You have posted the hard, cold facts about how little he does for his children, how uninvolved he is in their lives, how you had to go to CMS to get him to financially support them, that he chose to move far way and live in shared accommodation which means he can’t even have then to stay overnight.

You have also posted how and when you informed him about you baby and why.

Despite this , many posters seem to have constructed this alternative reality where he’s an active co - parent with 50:50 responsibility who will be doing SO much more for his children once baby comes along and perhaps even running to help when you are in labour !

They have fallen for his oh so reasonable email and the fantasy father it sums up and ignored all the facts as you have posted them. I wonder why this is.

I realise that there’s a lot of women on Mn who have a very VERY low bar for fathers , and to then him doing 32 hours of looking after his own children a month ( wow a whole 4% ) makes him a total hero. And there are no doubt others who think that as aa man you should have to account to him for your decisions in life .

But even then I’m surprised by how many otherwise intelligent women are swayed by his rhetoric . It’s fascinating.

To be it’s perfectly clear. He doesn’t want to be told first so that he can offer to help. He doesn’t care one iota about it affects his child. He only cares about how it might affect him - which I assume is not at all.

He wants you to justify yourself to him and he wants to lecture you about your “ responsibilities ” to your joint child. The very responsibilities that he himself has a walked away from.

lobeliasb · 17/03/2023 00:07

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 16/03/2023 23:47

@Playto

I find this really interesting. You have posted the hard, cold facts about how little he does for his children, how uninvolved he is in their lives, how you had to go to CMS to get him to financially support them, that he chose to move far way and live in shared accommodation which means he can’t even have then to stay overnight.

You have also posted how and when you informed him about you baby and why.

Despite this , many posters seem to have constructed this alternative reality where he’s an active co - parent with 50:50 responsibility who will be doing SO much more for his children once baby comes along and perhaps even running to help when you are in labour !

They have fallen for his oh so reasonable email and the fantasy father it sums up and ignored all the facts as you have posted them. I wonder why this is.

I realise that there’s a lot of women on Mn who have a very VERY low bar for fathers , and to then him doing 32 hours of looking after his own children a month ( wow a whole 4% ) makes him a total hero. And there are no doubt others who think that as aa man you should have to account to him for your decisions in life .

But even then I’m surprised by how many otherwise intelligent women are swayed by his rhetoric . It’s fascinating.

To be it’s perfectly clear. He doesn’t want to be told first so that he can offer to help. He doesn’t care one iota about it affects his child. He only cares about how it might affect him - which I assume is not at all.

He wants you to justify yourself to him and he wants to lecture you about your “ responsibilities ” to your joint child. The very responsibilities that he himself has a walked away from.

Exactly!!!

He knows about the pregnancy now, far in advance of the due date. How does the way the message was delivered to him make any difference to the outcome? Maybe he's worried he's going to be expected to see his child more often to take some of the burden off OP whilst the baby is small and he doesn't want that? Can't see how it really makes any difference to him as he's barely involved as it is.

And as usual, this thread is full of posters creating a narrative and running away with it until they are discussing a totally fictional scenario.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 17/03/2023 02:59

Thank goodness for some sanity on this bizarre thread.

billy1966 · 17/03/2023 07:59

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 16/03/2023 23:47

@Playto

I find this really interesting. You have posted the hard, cold facts about how little he does for his children, how uninvolved he is in their lives, how you had to go to CMS to get him to financially support them, that he chose to move far way and live in shared accommodation which means he can’t even have then to stay overnight.

You have also posted how and when you informed him about you baby and why.

Despite this , many posters seem to have constructed this alternative reality where he’s an active co - parent with 50:50 responsibility who will be doing SO much more for his children once baby comes along and perhaps even running to help when you are in labour !

They have fallen for his oh so reasonable email and the fantasy father it sums up and ignored all the facts as you have posted them. I wonder why this is.

I realise that there’s a lot of women on Mn who have a very VERY low bar for fathers , and to then him doing 32 hours of looking after his own children a month ( wow a whole 4% ) makes him a total hero. And there are no doubt others who think that as aa man you should have to account to him for your decisions in life .

But even then I’m surprised by how many otherwise intelligent women are swayed by his rhetoric . It’s fascinating.

To be it’s perfectly clear. He doesn’t want to be told first so that he can offer to help. He doesn’t care one iota about it affects his child. He only cares about how it might affect him - which I assume is not at all.

He wants you to justify yourself to him and he wants to lecture you about your “ responsibilities ” to your joint child. The very responsibilities that he himself has a walked away from.

Completely agree.

It's as if posters cannot comprehend what is written about a loser man and have to rewrite the narrative so it conforms with their narrow view and low bar.

He's a controlling waster which the OP rightly keeps at a distance.

She owes him diddly squat.

LeatherSkirt82 · 17/03/2023 08:17

I don’t think that any shortcomings of his, as you see them, excuse you from not doing the best thing for your DC - which would have been giving the other parent a heads up before everyone else found out. And I 100% understand why he didn’t broach the subject with you and your DP when he saw you in town but rather address it with you directly in 1-0-1. His concern has nothing to do with your new child (and therefore your DP) but with the effect this may have on his child with you.

I get that you hold a lot of grudges against him and that he may not be the best father but his past/current failings do not make him wrong in this matter.

Mortimercat · 17/03/2023 08:21

He didn’t ask to know before your close family, he wished he had been told before it was announced on social media.

I think his message was very reasonable and his way would be more conducive to successful Co-parenting.

Jonei · 17/03/2023 08:56

I think with all your updates that actually you're not unreasonable at all. He sounds awful. Just keep him at arms length at you were doing. You don't owe him anymore than you have already done.

whynotwhatknot · 17/03/2023 13:51

Is it court ordered contact op-i woldnt have made dc go otherwise if they didnt want to he sounds usless

Jazzy21 · 17/03/2023 14:01

The fact the your ex is so pompous in his text - says his piece and then says “no more needs to be said about it” as in you don’t get the right to reply, tells me exactly why he is an ex. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Mumsanetta · 17/03/2023 14:02

Jazzy21 · 17/03/2023 14:01

The fact the your ex is so pompous in his text - says his piece and then says “no more needs to be said about it” as in you don’t get the right to reply, tells me exactly why he is an ex. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I thought this too! I don’t even speak to my 4 yr old like that.

AnotherCountryMummy · 17/03/2023 14:23

I'm sorry, I'm with your ex as well. And I think his message is calm and well written, not at all bizarre.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 17/03/2023 14:46

billy1966 · 17/03/2023 07:59

Completely agree.

It's as if posters cannot comprehend what is written about a loser man and have to rewrite the narrative so it conforms with their narrow view and low bar.

He's a controlling waster which the OP rightly keeps at a distance.

She owes him diddly squat.

Show quote history

Most posters are replying to the opening post without reading the updates.

I actually thought it was a (biological sex) reverse when I read it - I assumed the op wanted to post a "gotcha" and was actually the father who'd started a shiny new family and not told his older child's mother, leaving her on the back foot when her child became clingy or insecure and she didn't realise that the child needed reassurance because they were worried that daddy wouldn't want them any more or whatever.

Mortimercat · 17/03/2023 15:38

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 17/03/2023 14:46

Most posters are replying to the opening post without reading the updates.

I actually thought it was a (biological sex) reverse when I read it - I assumed the op wanted to post a "gotcha" and was actually the father who'd started a shiny new family and not told his older child's mother, leaving her on the back foot when her child became clingy or insecure and she didn't realise that the child needed reassurance because they were worried that daddy wouldn't want them any more or whatever.

Show quote history

I think if there is pertinent background it should be in the first post. I tend to take information that would massively swing opinion to OP but only added later with a very large helping of salt.

YeahYeahYeahWhatevs · 17/03/2023 17:56

thecatsthecats · 16/03/2023 14:24

It's a very calm message IMO.

He just wanted a heads up.

His child might feel unsettled, pushed out, excited, apprehensive, and he's trying to support that.

Happens even in happy families. My sister called me sobbing about things her elder child said about the new baby - and he loves his little brother!

Be a grown up and communicate with your child's father proactively.

This. You aren’t together any more but you co-parent together and that should be dealt with with as much decorum and respect for each other as you can muster, for the sake of your child.

DadBodAlready · 17/03/2023 18:10

You ex-DP has a valid point this could have a massive impact on your DC both in terms of his relationship with you and your new DP. Lets be honest (and you will no doubt say this won't be the case) but the focus of both you and you new DP will shift to the new baby. .... I've seen this happen with friends who start new families. The kids from the first marriage suffer ........ Your DC will seem like a 5th wheel, so your ex-DP is quite right to raise concerns.

occa · 17/03/2023 18:14

YABU. His text was totally fair.

WhoNeedsToSleepAnyway · 17/03/2023 18:16

He is 100% right and that is a very mature and calm message. You are being v unreasonable imo. Best thing to do now is talk with him to understand how you can both support your child through this change.

anon666 · 17/03/2023 18:23

I think it depends if he's an arsehole or not.

If he's a constant pain in the arse like my sister's ex, then understandable.

If he's nice and you guys are amicable then it seems a bit mean. It obviously has more impact on his life than some random acquaintance on social media, so would have been courteous to let him know before announcing to the world at large.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 17/03/2023 18:27

Why do so many people post on AIBU when they clearly do not want anyone to tell them they are being unreasonable or do no not want or will not accept that they are even when the overwhelming majority of voters say they are being unreasonable? I just don’t get the point of asking people if you are being unreasonable if you cannot accept the opinions of others. Seems attention seeking to me.

BadNomad · 17/03/2023 18:28

I don't understand these replies. He didn't need to know before his son. He didn't need to be told face-to-face. Even if they do need to discuss it, the baby isn't here yet, so what's the problem? What is there to even discuss? What support is he going to be to the child he doesn't want to see for more than a few hours a month? They aren't co-parenting. They aren't friends. She doesn't owe him anything.

JumbledE · 17/03/2023 18:33

I’ve changed my answer since reading your further updates. Given he had 2 weeks between finding out and seeing DC, which is plenty of time to ask questions etc (and around 6 months before the baby is born) it isn’t really that unreasonable!

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 17/03/2023 18:48

I haven't even read the thread and I think fuck him. I didn't tell my ex and he didn't tell me when his wife got pregnant and why would he?

Vynalbob · 17/03/2023 18:55

I don't get it, yes it might have been ideal for at least a text a few days prior but it's no biggy. As for the post that's saying he's not making it a drama...in my view he is (did you ask permission for your now OH to move in...after all that's probably more impactful).
I wouldn't worry too much....if it were me I'd probably answer far too abruptly.
👍

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 17/03/2023 19:17

BadNomad · 17/03/2023 18:28

I don't understand these replies. He didn't need to know before his son. He didn't need to be told face-to-face. Even if they do need to discuss it, the baby isn't here yet, so what's the problem? What is there to even discuss? What support is he going to be to the child he doesn't want to see for more than a few hours a month? They aren't co-parenting. They aren't friends. She doesn't owe him anything.

If the OP had posted all pertinent information in the OP, this thread would have gone the other way.

I do not understand the people saying his message to her was reasonable.

It wasn’t. It was condescending and sanctimonious - and he even ended it by saying, I’ve said my piece and you have no right of reply. Total arse.

This is a man who sees his child for a few hours a month.

Who moved an hour away.

Who can’t even have his child stay overnight.

This is not a co-parent, with even a vague idea of putting his child’s best interests first.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 17/03/2023 19:19

Sincere apologies @BadNomad

I meant to quote @Whowhatwherewhenwhy1

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