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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
GlassBunion · 16/03/2023 17:32

Telling your children first is great but you must have realised that they'd tell their dad.
You should have given him the courtesy of being pre warned so that he could be prepared for their news.

DeflatedAgain · 16/03/2023 17:32

I think the ratio of YABU would be completely different if people had all the information/facts included in your first post.

He sounds frustrating and YANBU in my opinion. He knows now and that's the end of it. Have the chat with him but don't apologise or back down. Don't let him know it's bothering you as he seems the type to relish in that.

Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy 🎊

Hesma · 16/03/2023 17:36

Out of courtesy I think you should have told him because it could affect the child you have together. If you are trying to co-parent amicably then I think you are out of order to be honest.

MeridianB · 16/03/2023 17:37

WigglyWigglyWiggly · 16/03/2023 14:14

You definitely should have told him. His child is going to become a sibling, that’s a hugely impactful change for any child and is something a parent should be informed of. Any decent, collaborative and supportive co-parent should make the parent aware of things that impact their child. I think you should’ve told him before posting on social media, and even if you desperately needed to post publicly before telling him, I think you should have raised it with him to discuss rather than him having to come to you.

First post nails it.

His message comes across as very measured. Unless there is a massive drip feed about him being abusive then I think YABU for not showing him the courtesy of sharing the news before putting it on social media.

lulublue32 · 16/03/2023 17:38

I think it’s a bit sad for him to find out on social media - probably after some random ex-school friend had read the post. I think sharing a child Should bump him up the priority list; not before close family and friends but definitely before a social media post.

MoreSleepPleasee · 16/03/2023 17:39

Yanbu he sees his child once every 2 weeks and not even overnight. What exactly does he think will change. It's all about control for him. Less than part time dad wanting full time responsibilities as he's hurt by your news.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 17:39

MeridianB · 16/03/2023 17:37

First post nails it.

His message comes across as very measured. Unless there is a massive drip feed about him being abusive then I think YABU for not showing him the courtesy of sharing the news before putting it on social media.

Show quote history

The first post doesn’t nail it - because he absolutely is not a ‘decent, collaborative and supportive co-parent’. Not even slightly.

Maybe read the rest of the thread.

Caveat - once again: in the OP’s shoes I’d have sent a heads-up text before the SM post, but I can absolutely see why she took the route she did.

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 16/03/2023 17:40

I’m a bit confused by what he wants to talk about actually.

if he lived nearby, he might be asking you if you’d like DS to stay extra nights with him while you’re in hospital, but he doesn’t… so what actually is there to talk about

”impact”… nah, what specifics?

MoreSleepPleasee · 16/03/2023 17:46

I don't even understand how much more support he can even give his child on a 1 day a fortnight visit if I'm honest. Surely he's making it all about the child on his fortnightly visits already?

Soakitup37 · 16/03/2023 17:47

Yabu- I don’t my ex husband before it became general knowledge. I don’t owe him anything but I think it’s just common decency.

MoreSleepPleasee · 16/03/2023 17:48

Op unless he is saying he understands you may need more support now and he should step up properly and be an actual dad?

MeridianB · 16/03/2023 17:48

@TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand Ive read al the OP’s posts. I think his request is measured and he should have been told after immediate family and before SM. it’s basic courtesy regardless of how she feels about him.

HikingforScenery · 16/03/2023 17:49

He sounds very level-headed tbh. You should’ve told him so he’s have been well prepped to talk to your DC about any questions they had but couldn’t ask you

TomatoSandwiches · 16/03/2023 17:51

Op please come back and let us know after your chat what exactly he as a part time Disney dad needed to discuss with you, give us all a laugh at least.
I suspect it will just be him rambling on in a patronising manner about not being informed in the way he deems fit and pressing for an apology, which he doesn't deserve imo.

Hellno45 · 16/03/2023 17:51

Congratulations on your news. I agree with your ex on this one. You should have told them to enable them to support your DC. Having a sibling changes the dynamics. It can be lovely but it is a readjustment.

ittakes2 · 16/03/2023 17:51

It’s not about him - he’s right it’s about your existing child - sounds like a back story as to why you did not tell him. It tells your child your parenting together is not joined up.

EarthFireAirWater · 16/03/2023 17:53

Grey rock, OP. Considering he hardly has any involvement, this 'let's have a chat about dc' is all about controlling you from afar and giving you his opinion of how you should run your household and parent your child.
IF he was doing 50-50 I could see why he would want to go over the logistics and if you needed him to have dc extra day or discuss how dc is feeling about all of it.
But I think you said he doesn't bother contacting you at all in between visits to check on dc or asks about school etc? So now he suddenly cares about how your dc is feeling?Hmm

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 16/03/2023 17:54

MeridianB · 16/03/2023 17:48

@TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand Ive read al the OP’s posts. I think his request is measured and he should have been told after immediate family and before SM. it’s basic courtesy regardless of how she feels about him.

I don’t disagree with that - but your point was the first post ‘nails it’. Do you think he is a ‘decent, collaborative and supportive co-parent’?

I think his email was not ‘measured’, but rather sanctimonious and condescending (given his complete and utter uninvolvement in parenting), but happy to agree to disagree on that.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 17:56

ittakes2 · 16/03/2023 17:51

It’s not about him - he’s right it’s about your existing child - sounds like a back story as to why you did not tell him. It tells your child your parenting together is not joined up.

It tells your child your parenting together is not joined up.

That's it! That's what I've been struggling to articulate. In a nutshell.

Not saying he isn't a twat, but this is still spot on.

MysteryBelle · 16/03/2023 17:56

Playto · 16/03/2023 17:07

@MysteryBelle Just to be precise, the discussion he says he wants is not about him. Remember in his message he said this is how he feels and nothing more needs to be said (about how he feels about not being told before public social media post). So, the discussion is about impact on dc and how things will change. That’s what he said. Now, think. How would he be involved at all in how things might change unless he wants to discuss seeing dc more often. Does that not make sense? The fact is, Op has twisted what ex said in his message, a message we have right in front of us. So, if we can see how she twisted ex’s words that we have in front of our eyes, how can we then trust anything she says about ex that we can’t verify?

I've been asking him for 8 years to see his DC more. He doesn't have anywhere suitable to have them overnight. He absolutely does not want to see his DC more. Even in the realms of fantasy that he might want to, his relationship with our DC is irreparably damaged where I doubt DC would want to stay overnight. It's only been recently that DC has stopped crying and being upset about having to see his dad.

I haven't twisted what he has said. If he wants to find out before the SM post, then he puts himself on the same pedestal as our close friends and family (albeit he potentially doesn't realise that's what he's done).

No. He hasn’t put himself on pedestal with your close family (and now you’ve added friends, another change from your original post). He said before your public social media post. So, after you’ve told your own close family you stated in op and before public social media post where you told everybody else (wider extended family, friends, colleagues, and the like). You indeed did twist his words, words we have right in front of us.

When you say ex does not have ‘suitable’ place to house dc for sleepover, what does that mean? You haven’t explained that unless I missed it. Is he allowed to drive dc hour away or not to his own lodgings, apartment, gf’s house, what is it? You haven’t clarified. And of course he would like to pick up (‘have access’) at your house as he lives an hour away. He’s not allowed to cross threshold, spend a few minutes there, or he would like to spend eight hours there or what? You have not been very clear. You have drip fed like nobody’s business.

The one clear thing is that you despise him. And that’s ok. He may have treated you and dc terribly, again, we don’t know, you haven’t said. In the latest drip, you’ve said dc just stopped crying at not being able to see his dad. May have missed if you clarified how old dc is?

It makes sense that ex wants to discuss seeing dc more often. That fits with what he said, discuss changes to dc’s life and the only actual involvement or connection ex could possibly have with those changes, becoming a big brother, is if he as dc’s dad gets to see dc more, as you will maybe be more amenable now to ex having dc at his own place, which you say isn’t suitable. Why isn’t it suitable? It’s hard to trust what you’re saying generally as the bit we can verify shows you twisted what he said. You say you want him to see dc more but you dismiss any possible ways for him to do that out of hand.

Cocobutt · 16/03/2023 17:58

The first post doesn’t nail it - because he absolutely is not a ‘decent, collaborative and supportive co-parent’. Not even slightly.

I think it’s irrelevant that he’s not a decent co-parent.

The fact is he is a co-parent and does see his child on a regular basis.

This isn’t about him at all and his feelings are completely irrelevant but because they share a child together he should be made aware for the child’s sake.

I think he should have also given OP a heads up if it was him having a baby as it would still affect their shared child.

BanditoShipman · 16/03/2023 18:00

Reugny · 16/03/2023 14:43

Guess you and I are the only ones who understand about controlling ex-partners.

Show quote history

I agree. His text wasn’t ‘extremely well written’🙄it was sanctimonious and condescending. My exh is the same.

I would have texted my exh before putting on social media but the rest of his response is plain controllling.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 18:02

ittakes2 · 16/03/2023 17:51

It’s not about him - he’s right it’s about your existing child - sounds like a back story as to why you did not tell him. It tells your child your parenting together is not joined up.

And to add, it also says to him that his mother doesn't see his father as equal to close friends and family, and gets annoyed at the idea that he might be.

Even if the kid can't stand him either and he's a shit dad, there should still be unity between his parents when it comes to changes in his life, and that he's the priority between them.

DaisyBoop · 16/03/2023 18:03

My ex didn’t tell me when his partner got pregnant. Didn’t bother me 🤷‍♀️

Sleepless1096 · 16/03/2023 18:04

I think this has been a bit of a drip-feed. After your first post, I was going to say YABU, but given he's not a particularly active co-parent and is unlikely to want to offer any practical help with your DC, as well as having problems with boundaries, I'm going to say YANBU on balance.