To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

[Playto]

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

Tbh, even if the OP had texted him in advance he would still have found a different stick to beat her with. He comes across as that type of person.

He may have not seen it tho, you can't assume something on FB will be seen. So you didn't let him know, you assumed he'd find out then sent your child to him who's behaviour might have been different whilst they're thinking through the news, who might not have mentioned it.

But it sends more that you don't think he needs to know because he barely sees DS rather than because he's your ex iyswim, so if it was 50/50 say you'd have been more inclined to think he should know

When you need him to have his kid perhaps at short notice or to be on standby when your pushing out kid no 2 you will get why you should have had a conversation with him. 🥴

I’m amazed at the responses. I never told my ex (with whom I have kids) when I was pregnant again, and he didn’t tell me when his wife was pregnant. We each found out from the kids. No biggie.

He’s right. This impacts HIS child. He deserved to know. Men are slated on here when they do this.
i think you should have told him.

@MysteryBelle I clearly said in my OP: We told my DC first, then close family members and friends.

I said he put himself on the same pedestal as family and friends, which he has done, by wanting to be told in a private, individual manner before anyone 'wider'. He found out at the same time as wider, extended family and friends, which is what I would classify him as. I later clarified that he may have done this inadvertently. He found out with 2 weeks notice of any contact with our DC. Given his little contact and interest with our DC, I really don't understand his desire or objection to finding out at the same time as everyone else. As I've said, he had two weeks to absorb the news, ask questions etc. before any contact with DC. What's the issue, other than it clearly hurting his ego?

When you say ex does not have ‘suitable’ place to house dc for sleepover, what does that mean?

He has lived in various shared accommodation since we split up. He does have the means to afford different accommodation, unfortunately he prioritises himself and is very stingy and tight (hence me also having to go to CMS). His shared accommodation doesn't allow overnights, and even if it did, it's not appropriate for a child of DS's age (9) to be sharing a bed in shared lodgings with his dad.

He wants (and wanted) to spend the entire weekends at my house. Not 5 minutes over the threshold. His entire contact time. I allowed this at first (which is ridiculous and I should never have allowed this), but it stopped because he not only showed no respect or gratitude for my house, but he also swore at me and behaved aggressively in front of our DC in my own home.

Yep, 100% unreasonable from you. I agree with his message.

Well he sounds useless from your updates but I would have told him before announcing it on Facebook as I personally think that would have been the mature thing to do. Not because your ex is put on the same level as your friends and family but because you share a DC together. What if your DC is worried about his new sibling and brings it up when he next sees your ex? I would have thought most people would want to give their ex a heads up so they can reassure their DC properly without dealing with feeling shocked or surprised themselves.

I wondered if this was a reverse when I read his message.

I think he was really rational and you should have told him. No not before your close family, but before you put it on social.

What he's asking is reasonable. He just wants to make sure your shared child is ok and well supported.

I completely agree with him. It’s going to impact his child and it would have been courteous to tell him before announcing it to everyone else.

Of course YABU. He isn’t asking to be told before close family. He’s asking to have been told directly rather than some impersonal Facebook post.

I told my ex I was expecting a baby before we announced it publicly. He didn't tell his family, I mentioned it when I was 4 weeks away from my due date and they were shocked, has banned my DC from talking about their younger sibling in his presence and to his family and even denied knowing I was pregnant when it was brought up in mediation even though I have text to prove he looked after DC when I had to have a scan at 6 weeks due to a bleed and when told told him the gender.
I'm expecting again and I have no intention on telling him considering he still won't acknowledge my other children with my DH exists.

Well after 15 years of trying to get my ex to meet up with me every so often to discuss our (ND) children, and him acting like my behaviour was weird, I can totally understand your ex.

Congratulations.

I don't think YWBU to have not told him before posting it to social media, however I do think you should have then raised it with him so that you could discuss the impact on your shared DC, and to ensure he knew before seeing your DC.

He is useless -not important to you any more - and deserves nothing from you.
Your frustration with him sounds entirely justified.

However, your child is very important and you are stuck (trying) to share parenting.

Anything that helps him parent better -and is offered at no cost you you- is a good thing for your DC. If it somehow benefits your ex - that is just unlucky.

(Acting like this - and telling him directly would not be giving him status. You would just be doing the mature thing for your DC.)

This

He doesn't say negatively, he says impact. And having a sibling is a big change in a childs life.

@Fcuk38 He wouldn't be on standby! That's laughable. Even if I had nobody else and was desperate he still wouldn't be on standby, he'd make himself unavailable or demand he stay at my house to accommodate my extreme ask of him 😂

That comment was made by the first poster about the OP. she said:

Any decent, collaborative and supportive co-parent should make the parent aware of things that impact their child.

My ex sent me a message before telling our children he was having another child, I was very grateful and found it thoughtful. I'd have been on the back foot if I'd have found out from my children.

I think he has a point that if his partner was pregnant you would want to be told/informed before it went on social media, especially if they had already told your child. It didnt have to be a big issue, and in some ways I understand that you don’t think it is his business but like it or not, you are both responsible for how your child is told about issues that affect and impact on his life.

This is really interesting, I’d think it was my exh apart from he has no children other than our dc. Exh was exactly the same, moved 3 hours away then wanted contact in my home (once every 6 weeks 🙄), I allowed this until he disrespected my house and swore/shouted at me in front of dc.

he is a solicitor and everyone thinks he is so reasonable. He isn’t.

This is also very true.

Did he discuss his move an hour away and the impact it would have on your DC before he did that?

Ignore him, he's batshit!

@thegirlyupnorth No, he does what he wants and justifies it with a woe is me act, similar to the text message in the OP. He doesn't have DC overnight because he chooses to live in unsuitable, shared accommodation. He can't (won't) see DC after school because it's a two hour round trip.

I want to reiterate, there was no 'finding out from children'. He liked the social media post within the hour of it being posted, 2 weeks prior to his next contact time with DC. He had two weeks to absorb the information, ask questions, send a message, make a phone call. He's chosen two weeks later to do so, randomly, out of the blue. He also saw me on the weekend with DP, didn't bring it up then (he's cowardly and probably scared DP would tell him where to go) and has instead chosen to bring it up via an essay solely to me. Why? What is the motivation? If the motivation was being a kind and caring, involved father, he'd be seeing his DC more often, involved in their school life and living somewhere suitable to have them overnight.