To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

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Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

I wouldn't tell him

His message was reasonable and I would have have told him as a matter of courtesy before splashing it all over Facebook.

Is this a reverse?

I'd have told him prior to the general social media post, because it will impact him and he may need to support your child if they have things they don't feel like they can talk to you about. Just as if he and his new partner were having a new baby they might come to you to share their feelings on it. A new half sibling is a big deal and brings both positive and negative feelings and thoughts and insecurities but they may not want to talk to you about doubts as for you it is exciting and happy.

I completely agree with him. Sharing all over social media but not telling him does seem quite insensitive.

Your whole relationship with him sounds very odd to be honest. You are very scathing about him and that may well be warranted, but then why are you friends on social media and he's liking your post? He might well not see your child often, or could be more involved etc, but he's said here your new baby will impact your child and he is right. It's very possible as well that your child might want to talk to their Dad about it rather than you so it is something he should've known. I'm not sure there is any point in him ever trying if when he does try, he's criticised for it, and I can't help but wonder if that is a pattern for you - personally I think there is more to this dynamic than you've let on. I'm also not sure why him waiting two weeks is a big deal to you, it's far better for him to respond two weeks later than react and lash out at the time, this is a healthier way to go about it and that reflects in his measured and considered message.

Anyway - I think unreasonable not to have told him personally, but a text would do, just out of courtesy especially given you're amicable enough to be on social media and liking posts. I do think him demanding a sit down chat is unreasonable and it could be discussed by text etc if you're not comfortable talking in person/don't regularly do that.

With the additional information you’ve posted I now think you have been reasonable. Finding out on social media still allows plenty of time for you to talk things over about how this may impact on your DC and anything you can do to help with the adjustment. If he did want to talk things over then he could have still initiated that without complaining that he was not told as soon as he thought he should be.

what the betting you would have been furious if you had found out that he was having a baby with a new woman via Facebook and he told your daughter before you knew.

He's being a fkn weirdo! I don't think, like others, that it is a calm and measured response because I can feel the anger seeping through the message.

And now be wants to talk to you like a naughty child!

Is he single?

If he wants a chat; you, your DP and him should sit down.

He is very, very strange.

I think, unless there’s a very nasty split, that you should have told him after close family but before general announcement.

I told my exh when I got engaged and when I was pregnant with smallest dd before announcing to anyone other than parents and dd. (In fact he knew about pregnancy before dd). He told me about pregnancy for them before telling dd.

I wanted to successfully co-parent (which we mostly manage!) and that means that my exh is still an important part of my life as the father of my child.

I'd of probably text so it didn't come as a shock when DC told him but then I guess it's about your relationship with him now, if you co-parent well or are are NC

I think it would have been polite to tell him first, before splashing it all over FB.

I think this is where this thread has hit now.....

OP: was I BU?

Nearly everyone: Yes

OP: but he had 2 weeks notice since the message

Nearly everyone: you are still BU

OP: but he had 2 weeks notice since the message
Nearly everyone: you are still BUOP: but he had 2 weeks notice since the messageNearly everyone: you are still BU💤💤💤💤💤

Congratulations but I think you should have told him.

I'm positive I've read more than one thread from a woman upset she wasn't told her ex was starting a new family, only to get replies like "You must be unhinged! Why would he update an ex on his personal life?"

No, you're not unreasonable. Your ex was going to find out through your child - when he eventually saw them. And as he was controlling, all the more reason to not tell him something that does not affect him.

And now he's found out he is trying to centre himself. If you agree to have a meeting don't let him derail. Stick to addressing his concerns. Maybe he will surprise you and genuinely want to support his child.

Having read all your updates, OP, I can absolutely understand how you feel.

TBH I don't see what difference it makes how he found out? It's not as though you've had the baby and announced the birth on social media and this is the first he's hearing about it. He now knows you will be having a new baby in 6 months - so he didn't get a personalised message informing him. Oh well? Not sure what the big deal is. I dunno OP, I think he is being a little OTT about it.

I think you're getting a lot of slightly unfair stick on here OP, as no one really knows the dynamic of your relationship with ex and the nuance there from what you've described changes it a bit for me.

Would it probably have been a good idea to quickly text him before the announcement went on social media? Yes. But I find his overly long message and some of his wording a bit..off? The way he basically shuts it off at the end and denies you any right to reply...it's a bit 'this is the way it is, I'm right, you're wrong and I'm not listening to anything other than my owpn opminion on the subject'. I get some controlly, sanctimonious and gaslighty vibes TBH.

Had he just said 'Congratulations on your happy news. Just a quick heads up that I was a little disappointed not to have been told in advance of the social media post and would have appreciated a chance to chat about DC. I would imagine you would have wanted the same if circumstances were reversed. Can we please chat soon?' I would probably agree with others in it being reasonable. But SO MANY paragraphs, going over same thing several times and trying to hard to take the shine off it and make it all about him strikes me as far too much.

You should have told him before you announced it on social media. Not before close family and friends, but before anyone else.

I get that he’s a controlling knob and not much of a Dad, but he still regularly sees your joint child so you are co-parenting. And as a co-parent he should get the heads up on anything major happening in your joint child’s life.

I also understand that this might be a handy thing to use against you - but you have rather handed him ammunition.

I think you need to stop arguing with everyone and just accept that you are wrong on this occasion.

Frankly from just your first two posts YWNBU. What is this nonsense of a prescribed order of communications where an ex must be told prior to a social media announcement? You told exh at the same time as good friends and extended family, unless your social media is visible to every man and his dog then he's still had privileged information before the rest of the world. Yes his personal preference was to be told individually, but he doesn't get to decide how you share your news. What difference does it actually make? I would block exh on social media to be honest, he obviously feels more invested in your life than he should, co-parenting doesn't have to mean that level of sharing of your own personal life.
He makes a point about the impact on joint DC, yet since exh wasn't due to see joint DC prior to the social media announcement it makes not one iota of difference to joint DC whether their dad got an excited WhatsApp message with a photo of the pregnancy test, a personalised messenger appear at his door, a phone call, or a social media announcement that other people got to see too. His message to you which on first glance might seem measured and reasonable is actually quite cold and controlling. It's all about the impact on exh really, he wants to be treated as special and important. There's no rush to 'discuss things', baby's not here for ages yet.
Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

How can he come across as any type of person? He’s not given his version of anything. You mean that OP has painted him that way.

Inevitable drip feed when OP could see thread wasn't going according to plan

Quelle surprise.

Exactly this. So easy to start throwing things in when you're not getting the desired response.

We’ve also reached “oh no, I’m on the minority side, I need to post my opinion over and over and over again and name change a few times too so people think I’m different posters but forget which name I made certain comments under and hope no one notices that I’ve accidentally responded to people in the wrong username”. 😁🙄😂

Really depends on your relationship history, but it sounds weird to me. What is there to talk about? Does he want to give you an in person bollocking too?

Is he just upset about you moving on but trying to rationalise it as something else?

Yeah you could've told him earlier, but you had your reasons. I really can't see what there is to discuss if he doesn't do over night care etc. If he's a difficult person I'd have someone with you if you have to have a discussion.

@HeckyPeck discussion is probs too heavy a word but when my DH ex got pregnant she told him first before telling DSD - behaviour often changes during pregnancy as kids worry about a new sibling etc so was good for them to chat about how to best put any worries she might have to bed.