Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

Obviously there’s not much I can say now hours later, but one thing I must point out is that you told her you’re not going anymore after she didn’t do what you asked, BUT you actually did take her in the end. Children will notice this and the threats of “if you don’t do this we’re not doing that”, but they always get to do “that” anyway, they’re never going to do what you tell them to do, when you tell them to. They pick up
on empty threats.

My DD walks all over DH and NEVER does what he says because he’s always giving out empty threats, then when she’s still playing up he gets mad, resorts to shouting (after numerous times of trying to be calm), then DD gets upset because she doesn’t like being told off, and it’s just chaos. Whereas DD listens to me much better because I stick to what I say, and I don’t even have to threat anything anymore because she’ll just listen straight away and it makes life so much easier!

Also, DD has just turned 5, I still help with getting her dressed because it makes a calmer morning. She’ll do as much as she can but I’ll pass things over to her.

@Hey12345 I had said to her that we needed to go out anyway as we needed to get dog food and a few other bits. Once things had calmed and we were talking and she was ready, I asked her if she could help me with a few things (she likes doing this anyway) and then I might consider going to the cafe after we’ve done our errands etc. It’s true, I don’t ever usually go back on something once I’ve said it, but some posters here advised not missing the day and doing it this way, also I thought maybe I’d been too harsh and this also had been something she’d been looking forward to (and me also)
We ended up having a nice day and I just have to think of tomorrow as a new day and think hard about changing my approach, which I keep trying to do

Read the "how to talk so little kids will listen" book. Lots of ideas about to get kids to do stuff in a fun way that isn't stressful. The more ideas you have up your sleeve to get her to cooperate the less stressed you'll feel.

@Summerfun54321 Thank you, yes, I seem to have lost some of my fun ways and used to be able to get her to cooperate easily by using my initiative etc.

i know exactly where you’re coming from nearly 5 yr old DD I’m still helping to get ready, I hate nagging and getting frustrated but it’s exhausting when you need to be doing breakfast and getting ready yourself etc trying to get out the door for school and work. It’s so stressful I was starting to feel like I was the only one plus the selective hearing this age seems to go through. You’re not alone 🙂

Then do better. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and being defensive and do better.

What is your problem exactly? OP has reflected on lots of replies, taken on board advice and said she's got some ideas to try. Your replies are really off-kilter.

Have you actually got children. If you have they must run rings around you.

She's 4, not 14. In my experience they need help for almost each piece of clothing at that age.

Reading the posts about taking kids out in pjs, I once took my son to nursery in only joggers once, as he point blanked refused a tshirt and it turned into a massive tantrum (he was about 2.5 so not much reasoning with him!), I handed him over to nursery, gave them a call an hour later to see how he was (just because he was so emotional that morning) and he had put a tshirt on as soon as I left!!

this is a hard one because sometimes when you want to escape the house they seem to be in love playing with toys.

sometimes when they are deciding not to listen I have to carry out the threat of not having something like the ice cream even if it was as much for yourself as it’s for them

next time you can use that of an example when it didn’t go to plan what happened and if we listen we get to do the fun things

ive found really emphasising when it’s going great and how easy it makes the day or the dinner really works because they feel great and again can use it as an example when it’s going wrong

keep going they change every two seconds

I get you, OP. It's the most frustrating thing when you think you might actually have a nice time with them for once (I mean sure it's nice to be a parent but it's hard work as well) and they ruin it, it's also the most frustrating thing when you are trying to do something nice for them (that you don't even want to do) and they are behaving badly. You just think what the hell am I doing? Begging with a kid so that they can get ice cream? Sooo frustrating.

@FrozenGhost Exactly!

@Mrscooper13 Yes, I’m really big on bigging up the good things and using positive reinforcement, mustn’t forget to keep on like this

I totally get your frustration, I’ve had the same issue with my DD. Started from a young age chasing her round getting ready. Could literally say we are going to Disney Land and she would still mess around. School days are hell. I do all the prep, get things out the night before,
make a game of it, no Tv etc etc. Sometimes we get overwhelmed as parents, don’t be to hard on yourself.

@DappledThings Thanks, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but am trying hard to stay motivated with this. Things have been difficult for a while, I’ve been worried about a few things I notice she does but my friends children don’t etc, it just all seems to have got so much harder the last year or so. She’s an amazing girl, our absolute world, but she’s so high energy, literally never stops, so intense at times and headstrong, she has such personality and is clever, she just very extra at times, it can be so exhausting. We don’t get a break as don’t have family nearby, but tomorrows another fresh day.

@Ruby0UX This is it, I’m such an organised person..clothes and bag etc ready downstairs, breakfast ready, have timed my getting ready to 10-15 mins-quick shower, teeth, dressed, hair brushed ( I do make up in the car for work once I’ve dropped her) It all just comes down to her getting dressed and when I do her hair

Ok, if this isn't working then change the routine. If she's normally hungry for breakfast then use this to your advantage. On a weekend morning/day off (so you have plenty of time and don't have to feel stressed about having to rush off anywhere) introduce the new rule in a calm and cheerful manner.

Explain that from now on she has to get dressed, hair done, shoes on before going downstairs for breakfast. Stay with her, help her as needed.

Coveralls can be used to keep her clothes clean while eating.

As another poster mentioned, new routines don't have to be forever, they can change again when she's older.

I honestly was wondering if I had written his myself! My dd is 4.5 and exactly the same. Mornings are a nightmare getting ready for school and work, I often end up going to work with no makeup on because I've been battling with her to get her dressed. I'm pregnant too and it's stressful. Then even on days when we are doing somethng fun and she's excited to go somewhere, again its a battle get dressed. They just hate the process of getting dressed I think and aren't able to understand yet what the consequences are if they don't. It's a shame your day was cancelled and normally I'd have probably said go anyway, because she is too young to get it. But I really feel your pain on this and it may have helped her realise that she won't get to do what she wants if she doesn't get ready.

Thanks for you feedback. I didn’t ask for it but thanks anyway.

She is 4. You need to be actively involved in the getting dressed bit still. Sitting waiting for her to do it is as productive as Sitting waiting for the dishes to do themselves. Also if she had time out then that was the consequence. There doesn't need to be another by taking away the ice cream you promised, you just made everything harder there. And yes, they get harder. All the time.

Would she care if you took her out in her pjs?

@snitzelvoncrumb Probably not 🙈We have woods two houses down from us, so often let her stay in her pjs on lazy Sundays when we take the dog there, she loves just putting her shoes/boots on and heading out…I mean, I totally get it

I think it's great how you listened to people on here and realised you may have lost you way a bit. Sometimes it's easy forgetting how little they are and parenting, expectations etc can be difficult at any age. Glad you managed to have a nice afternoon with your daughter!

@Doubletroublemummy2 As I’ve said, I’m always actively involved in helping her get dressed if she wants me to
Yes, the two punishments wasn’t needed, but by that point I was pretty exhausted and didn’t want to go out. I mean, I didn’t really want to go out anyway (aside from having to get dog food) it was more something she was excited about. In retrospect I should’ve just left it and asked Dh to bring some dog food on the way home.